I desire sex, but I don't like it...?

[IceHurricane]

I think about sex all the time. It sounds amazing in my head, but when I actually go out and have sex, I hate it. I know I don't like sex. I know this but I want it so badly sometimes. I keep creating these scenarios in my head that I want to act out, but I know I won't like it. I keep thinking to myself "maybe next time will be different" but it never is. It's so frustrating wanting something you know you hate, and I don't know how to stop wanting it.

Any advice?

[nanogretchen4]

It sounds like your problem has three parts. First there's the fact that you have certain fantasies. Second there's the fact that you try to act on them. Third there's the fact that when you do act on your fantasies you don't enjoy it. In theory you could try to work on any of the three parts of the problem. In practice I recommend just accepting the existence of the fantasies rather than trying to suppress them. Trying to suppress thoughts is really exhausting and ineffective.

So, you can work on not acting on the fantasies. In a way this is the easiest since you have direct voluntary control over your actions. A simple form of meditation such as focusing on your breath for a predetermined number of minutes may be helpful here. Thoughts will enter your mind. You let them come and you let them go, and you return your attention to your breath. Having a thought is no cause for alarm, and it doesn't mean you have to act on it. With sexual fantasies it can also help to think of the fantasies as a tool. By focusing on the fantasies you can get aroused when you choose to. In other words, the fantasies work for you, you don't work for them.

You may or may not want to work on the third part of the problem, which is not enjoying sex when you have it. Some people don't enjoy sex no matter what. Many people enjoy sex under some circumstances but not others. The most common reasons sexuals don't enjoy sex is because either they are not in the right relationship with the right person or they feel some sort of guilt or shame. So you may want to analyze what is was you did not enjoy about the sexual encounters you have had.

[Lady of the Gray]

I often have these feelings. It's as if I want it, but the moment the sexual activities commense, I don't want it at all.

[Lady of the Gray]

I often have these feelings. It's as if I want it, but the moment the sexual activities commense, I don't want it at all.

[screamqueen]

That is exactly the way I feel most of the time. Like I am a horndog in my head but when I actually get a chance to act out on it it's like... meh. Whatever....

[Qwerty321]

The first thought is "change a partner". But really it depends. What in particular you don't like about sex? Can you change it?

[dissolved]

Having the fantasy turn out better than the act, or being disappointed/whatever in sex is something that everyone experiences at some point...

You may actually be limiting yourself in that by telling yourself you won't like it (and probably on some level convincing yourself this is true), when you do find yourself in a sexual scenario and it's disappointing, you're simply confirming your initial suspicion. The next time, you've already set yourself up for disappointment and you don't ever give anything a chance.

Sometimes sex is really really crap. The first person I ever slept with (and stayed with for five years because I was dumb and didn't realise I could do any better) was absolutely terrible. It was unbelievably boring, randomly painful and I was often forced into doing things I frankly wouldn't do again if someone paid me. But I kept trying with people, and you know what? They were all awful too and I kinda gave up. Up until earlier in the year when I met my current partner, I could count on one hand how many times I'd actually enjoyed sex in the past 15 years. I tried to keep an open mind, but a little part of me had to assume that it'd also be crap with my current partner and much to my surprise, it was far from it. My point is... rather than assuming the worst, be open to the fact it could (and may well) get better :D

[Guest]

You've got the innate desire thing, so ideally, you'll want to find a way to enjoy sex. The mismatch can't be pleasant.

Sex is often pretty awful. Some people have nothing but awful sex for long periods of time... and like Dissolved said, one's state of mind has a lot to do with it. I'd also like to clarify that generally speaking, it's not the mechanics that make it good or bad... it's the atmosphere, its the connection, its the passion or lack of passion (whatever you prefer, you know), it's the inclusion of kinks if you're into kinks, it's feeling safe and supported and respected and desired and in control (unless being out of control is your thing)... it's about the other person participating in an emotionally AND physically appealing way, it's about feeding off each other's desire... the mechanics of it, meh. It takes like 4 seconds to be shown how to touch someone's, ya know, bizness properly. It's all the other stuff that makes sex good or bad.

But anyway. Ice. Specifically, what's been your experience? Have you had sex with people you care about or no? People you were already attracted to or no? People with or without experience? What did you like about it and what didn't you like about it?

[Ansantsuken]

I've been having a similar problem ever since I've had sex for the first time. And, I'm not sure whether this is a solution, or whether it actually helps anyone but me, but I write about those fantasies when I feel the need to, like erotic fiction basically. And I've already got used to the possibility that I might never enjoy sex, so that's pretty much one of the rare things that do it for me in that aspect. Wish I had more sound advice, but, yeah...

[levelskid]

Man, that must suck. I don't know if I have a solution, but you can choose to desire and not have it. Best of wishes.

[Reveon]

I wish I had something to add to this, but I don't. But wow this topic certainly speaks to me, I feel like I can relate.

[KendraPM]

I've gone through that, but I came out the other side with the realization that I liked sexual situations that didn't involve me (my fantasies primarily focused on other people). Once I realized that (and that it was OK to not have sex), I no longer desired to have sex myself. Instead, I'll desire to read a sexy book, imagine two random people having sex, write erotica etc, but don't actually want to have sex at all. It's much more satisfying than getting naked with someone. Not saying this is you, but maybe once you figure out one part, another will fall into place.

[henpen82]

I've gone through the same thing. I gave up sex many years ago, simply because I never enjoyed! I think there are many issues at play - and its often hard to disypher what relates to what, and what causes what - these are what I think are the blocks - and they could apply to you too.

• Using Fantasy, means you'll usually be disappointed by reality, because you're in complete control in your fantasies and can be as specific as you like, you also control what the other person does - which you are unable to do in real life
• In you fantasies you might be a third party person or simply and spectator, you might even BE the other person - and so you might have a hard time being yourself
• Leading on from above - control, I'm scared of being in control - but also out of if. You can't control the 'other person' - so the 'other person becomes the problem
• fantasies COULD be rewiring your brain in a similar way to 'Porn addiction' - you create a fast track to arousal through these fantasies, especially if you have been doing this a long time..
• performance anxiety - this is harder for men to hide if this produced Erectile dysfunction - and then its a vicious circle every time you try and have sex
• Body dysmorphia - if you don't feel sexy in reality and embarrassed about your body and fear rejection because of it, this can build a barrier. In fantasy you can be whoever you want to be and look however you want.
• social anxiety - the whole nature of sex is about connecting with someone else, if you get nervous around new people, you may find it emotionally draining just dealing with other person if you haven't been dating long, you'll be putting up on act, trying to impress and your barriers will be up, and thats exhausting! you'll have to deal with small talk, being a host (if its happening at yours) or a guest (at someone else's) the social interation in itself can be overwhelming - let alone sex!
• You might not ACTUALLY BE THAT ATTRACTED to the person, sometimes we think we are or think we should be, maybe they have a great personality and you THINK they'd be an idea partner, but actually you don't REALLY want to be touching there naked body etc - as theres no physical chemistry, you might even be really turned off by them, but feel guilty that you shouldn't - then you have another issue - guilt to add to the mix.
• Repression, - you might be sexually repressed due to upbringing or things you picked up as a child. You might find it embarrassing to talk about ,You might believe that you loose control during sex, or that its dirty, or that someones watching, or just generally feel sex-negative! I think I experience second-hand Catholic guilt from my Parents.
• You Might not actually like the the physical sensations of sex - or they differ from your fantasies i.e. someone could fantasies about being spanked - and they might fantasies about taking is 'hard' - but in reality they have a low pain threshold - and hate the experience - and thats okay - just because you fantasies about something doesn't mean you SHOULD like it in reality.

You'd be well off trying to find a psychosexual therapist and trying to work through the causes... there could be many!

[scarletlatitude]

I don't have any answers for you, but I know how you feel.

[yomo]

I totally feel you ;u; this is my problem as well.

For me, the physical aspect of sex isn't the greatest irl, plus in reality, you're not dealing with a perfect idea of a person, you're dealing with a real person with their own reactions and such, and you actually have to physically perform things which can feel different than in fantasy.

I know I personally experience sexual attraction to fictional characters and the idea of a person (if that makes sense), but involving the actual person, I'm pretty sure I don't feel the same way. In fact, I can't remember the last time I have ever looked at a person irl and felt sexual attraction. Hence the reason I have so much trouble with identifying my own sexuality (although I'm probably Grey Ace like I keep going back to).

[Vixrotre]

I feel like that's what sex is. You just get all horny and you want it so bad, then you have it and you're like "Oh... I forgot it feels like it... Can we finish now? I'm bored."

At least in my experience. The only sex I enjoy is oral sex. Penetration is just... "meh". It doesn't feel good, I can't orgasm, it's too long, it's boring and I just don't enjoy it. :/

I don't know what's your sexual experience, but I'd suggest to try different things and see what works best for you. Or experiment on yourself. Find what spots on your body are sensitive, where you like to be touched, how you like to be touched and share it with your partner next time you "get down to business". :)

[CNGB]

Aaand this is exactly why I hate the "new definition" of asexualiy that some are using, that it means there is no desire for partnered sex. There can be and often is a desire for partnered sex--it's just that you don't enjoy it, nor do you feel sexual attraction. Sigh.

Anyway . . . I can relate. I don't think about sex all the time, and I don't think my drive for it is as extreme as yours, but I can get really, y'know, excited, and sometimes really consider seeing what I can do about making it happen. The desire goes away, of course. . . .

[Philip027]

Aaand this is exactly why I hate the "new definition" of asexualiy that some are using, that it means there is no desire for partnered sex. There can be and often is a desire for partnered sex--it's just that you don't enjoy it, nor do you feel sexual attraction. Sigh.

To me though this is exactly why the whole "solely based on sexual attraction" definition fails.

I have a hard time thinking of someone who generally desires partnered sex (even with nobody in particular, and regardless of whether they'd enjoy it in reality) as asexual. To me, and surely to almost every sexual person, that would be somewhat of a misnomer.

[CNGB]

Aaand this is exactly why I hate the "new definition" of asexualiy that some are using, that it means there is no desire for partnered sex. There can be and often is a desire for partnered sex--it's just that you don't enjoy it, nor do you feel sexual attraction. Sigh.

To me though this is exactly why the whole "solely based on sexual attraction" definition fails.

I have a hard time thinking of someone who generally desires partnered sex (even with nobody in particular, and regardless of whether they'd enjoy it in reality) as asexual. To me, and surely to almost every sexual person, that would be somewhat of a misnomer.

Not to almost every sexual person at all. :) At least for the people that I've had slight romantic attraction to, when I explained that if I love them enough I might want to have sex with them, they get it just well . . . in fact, in my experience they understand that better than not wanting to have sex, either.

That being said, in an ideal world I wouldn'thave sex, ever. It is not that I want to have sex, it's that I want to do something for someone I love.

[yomo]

I feel like that's what sex is. You just get all horny and you want it so bad, then you have it and you're like "Oh... I forgot it feels like it... Can we finish now? I'm bored."

At least in my experience. The only sex I enjoy is oral sex. Penetration is just... "meh". It doesn't feel good, I can't orgasm, it's too long, it's boring and I just don't enjoy it. :/

I don't know what's your sexual experience, but I'd suggest to try different things and see what works best for you. Or experiment on yourself. Find what spots on your body are sensitive, where you like to be touched, how you like to be touched and share it with your partner next time you "get down to business". :)

Well the thing is, I don't even desire partnered sex irl. Like if I'm not fantasizing, I don't even think about it and tend to get annoyed if my partner makes and sexual advances. I prefer masturbation if anything...the only reason I have sex with my partner is to basically bond with him and satisfy his needs. ^//^

[Vixrotre]

I feel like that's what sex is. You just get all horny and you want it so bad, then you have it and you're like "Oh... I forgot it feels like it... Can we finish now? I'm bored."

At least in my experience. The only sex I enjoy is oral sex. Penetration is just... "meh". It doesn't feel good, I can't orgasm, it's too long, it's boring and I just don't enjoy it. :/

I don't know what's your sexual experience, but I'd suggest to try different things and see what works best for you. Or experiment on yourself. Find what spots on your body are sensitive, where you like to be touched, how you like to be touched and share it with your partner next time you "get down to business". :)

Well the thing is, I don't even desire partnered sex irl. Like if I'm not fantasizing, I don't even think about it and tend to get annoyed if my partner makes and sexual advances. I prefer masturbation if anything...the only reason I have sex with my partner is to basically bond with him and satisfy his needs. ^//^

Why not masturbate one another? :D Or have oral sex? Oral sex is awesome! And you can fantasize all you want once he disappears from your line of sight. xD

But honestly, I remember when I started to have sex with my now ex-bf. We did it rather regularly for few months and I didn't enjoy it- I had to get him off before hand so he'd last longer, then he'd last for 20-40 minutes and wouldn't be able to orgasm and my vagina would just be numb and my throat would be all dry from moaning. Then he'd be too tired to get me off so I'd have to masturbate when he's not looking. Few months into the whole sex thing he told me he doesn't actually enjoy penetration, he prefers me performing oral sex on him and he has sex with me to satisfy ME. I was just so disappointed and angry that we wasted all this time AND money on condoms I never actually told him I felt the same way.

What I'm trying to say is that penetration as a form sex in my PoV and in my experience is just a myth. A beautiful myth, but a myth none the less. It never satisfied me, but there are other ways to get intimate with your partner, without getting the penetration on, unless he really wants it.

[Nes7]

I sometimes desire sex as well,but the actual act always disappoints. Its almost if i miss some nerves down there or ... I dont know. Oral sex can be quite nice though.

It makes me confused as asexuals are said to be not enjoying sex -which I dont-but also not wanting sex -which I sometimes do-.

With every guy so far its been disappointing; handsome, nice and having a attraction to him. Sex is always boring...and I hate it. I want to know how it feels but I seem not to be able too.

[scordatura]

I am attracted to people and consider myself pansexual in terms of attraction, but I don't enjoy partnered sex and don't want to have any. I was very sexually active when I was a young adult, but it was never satisfying. I don't miss it. But I still notice attractive people and like reading erotica.

[hairtothere]

Finding a partner that is ok with you saying "I'm bored now, I really don't want to do this anymore" seems crucial to a lasting (or not, as it may go) physical relationship of that kind.

Only once have i tried that, other times I'd just make an excuse and slip away never to return. To be fair one guy did stick his tongue in my ear 😣 and that deserves no return imo. But when i did say "hey.. hey, excuse me.. um. Sorry i guess, but.. i think the moment's over. Yeah, I'm a little bored now," it was because i was already fairly comfortable with them as a human, and they said that the fact i felt i could say that when most people wouldn't made them respect me even more and increased their affection because it meant i was THAT comfortable with them.

Easier said than done, but if you do want to try again, at least find someone who understands YOU, even if they don't quite grasp your sexuality. The ability to be completely open about your (a)sexuality and feelings or lack of, even with just one person, goes a long way.

[hairtothere]

Not that they're actually easy to find, that is. If they were I doubt we'd be here because we'd be perfectly understood and this site would be needless.

[Sugar-Tea]

• fantasies COULD be rewiring your brain in a similar way to 'Porn addiction' - you create a fast track to arousal through these fantasies, especially if you have been doing this a long time..

This has been bugging me for a while now. Is this actually a thing? Because the whole idea of it is a bit troubling for me.

Like IceHurricane, I desire the idea of sex. Then very, very sometimes, I briefly have a desire for an actual physical person. But the times I actually tried to have sex (with rather random people, admittedly, usually drunk but not always), it was just not pleasant. Not unpleasant either, just boring and void of any physical enjoyment.

The thing is that I always have the same fantasies about fictional people. It turns me on, gets me off while masturbating, and when I recently decided to stop having those fantasies, to just let desire come to me rather than get to it through these 'shortcuts', it just doesn't happen. Any attempt at masturbating ends with me starting to fall asleep or, frustratedly, go back to the old succes receipe. Imagining myself in sexual situations appears to be just not exciting enough for me.

My worry is this: is it possible to wire your brain in such a way that certain fantasies and sexual sensuations get intertwined to the point that you cannot have one without the other anymore? Would it then be possible to turn this around again? Can asexual tendencies be an effect rather than the cause of this, as I always used to perceive it to be?

[arthurh]

I sometimes desire sex as well,but the actual act always disappoints. Its almost if i miss some nerves down there or ... I dont know. Oral sex can be quite nice though.

It makes me confused as asexuals are said to be not enjoying sex -which I dont-but also not wanting sex -which I sometimes do-.

With every guy so far its been disappointing; handsome, nice and having a attraction to him. Sex is always boring...and I hate it. I want to know how it feels but I seem not to be able too.

I know this feeling all to well and there was only one person that it made a difference with and it wasn't because of attraction. I think it had to do with trust because I was willing to do anything for them to make them happy. Sorry this is very general so I don't know if it helps at all :(. Very rarely can I enjoy it with someone.

[l0tus]

This happens to me as well except I realize the fantasy is better than the real deal without ever trying it. I think some sex on tv/movies and in porn creates this idea of sex that is better than the actual thing. Then you feel you should be enjoying it in the way the actors are so you keep on trying and hoping it will happen for you. It's kind of like anything else in life, you go to something or meet someone and you make it a big deal in your mind but in reality it's not that great. lol

[Lady of the Gray]

I personally think that it's because I didn't feel the right kind of attraction to my partners. I think because there wasn't a romantic or sexual attraction, but a need to feel better about ourselves. They seem fine with it, but the whole time I am in that "robot mode."