How Long Did it Take You to Accept It?

[Emily_On_Earth]

How long did it take you to accept it?

I've known for 5 years now, and I can't seem to come to terms with it. I'm still frustrated and angry and wondering "what I did to deserve this." The thing is though that I'm not READY to accept it, I still want to go to therapy, and have my hormones constantly checked, and try medicines, and hopelessly believe that it will just take a few more years like it did for my father. I try and invite guys over like the other women my age do and even if one agrees to keep coming without sex sex, I end up resenting the fact that I have to offer up handjobs to compromise with my partner.

If you don't wanna be offended today, don't go on.

My friend is constantly either saying I'm not asexual or that I should accept it all and start trying to date someone who is asexual. And then, and I'm so so sorry to say this but I have a hard time talking about how I feel on here if I don't express my true feelings about this forum and asexuality in general, but talking to people on here really makes me feel like this must be some form of insanity. So many people who are asexual seem to have some kind of unrelated mental issues or are just socially strange if I meet them in person. And, of course I would say this an the incredibly unfit social worker (of all things) that I am, that makes me more than ever want to be as unaffiliated as possible with the whole thing, certainly not go looking for a male asexual partner.

Above all, I wish i never discovered asexuality because then I would have just lived my life, some therapy and assuming I was just going to have to have sex with my partner regardless and have no moral issues with it. But now that it's like this sexuality, it feels too much like getting a male partner as a lesbian woman, just somehow wrong. Although, I often think it's the best option and hope I can just go through with it.

I'm sorry to lay that out here, but like I said, it's so hard for me to be on here and get anything out of it without saying my true feelings, even if they are offensive.

[WinterWanderer]

Before I found this site, I had a similar outlook about myself. At the time, I was very romantically attached to a guy, and he to me, but I wouldn't let him come any closer (physically or emotionally), because I wasn't looking for the kind of relationship that he was looking for. That's when I googled my situation and found that there are, in fact, others like me, and that "asexuality" is actually a thing.

And it is weird to try to comprehend, isn't it? Especially at first. People should have sex, right? It should be ingrained into the very fabric of our lives... right?

Well, apparently not, because there are so many of us who aren't attracted to others at all.

As far as asexuality being a form of insanity... I would have to agree with you, that this site did kind of scare me for a while. The people here did seem kind of socially awkward. But the more I've met people on here, the more diversity I've seen, when it comes to backgrounds, beliefs, personalities, etc.

(Also, I've come across plenty of people who weren't ace, and were equally - if not more - socially awkward. So I don't think that there's necessarily a correlation between that and asexuality.)

For a while, I also thought that maybe there was something wrong with me. Because like I said, it does seem weird. Asexuality seems to go against what we, by human nature, should want to do. But the more I've learned about myself, the more I've come to accept it.

I can't really explain it. But I just feel like, if I don't want to have sex with someone, then I won't. I don't want to go against who I am, and make myself uncomfortable just to fit into society's norms. But if for some reason, I meet someone one day that I want to have sex with, cool. But if that never happens, it doesn't mean that I'm broken or weird. It just means that I'm different, which isn't always a bad thing.

This is a long reply, sorry! I hope it helped in some way.

[Sally]

Above all, I wish i never discovered asexuality because then I would have just lived my life, some therapy and assuming I was just going to have to have sex with my partner regardless and have no moral issues with it. But now that it's like this sexuality, it feels too much like getting a male partner as a lesbian woman, just somehow wrong. Although, I often think it's the best option and hope I can just go through with it.

It's highly likely that if you did live your life as a sexual, and had sex with your partner (as I did for years, as an asexual), you would find that it was not pleasant for you. So it's not like you could just *not* be asexual if you ignored it.

After years of wondering what was wrong with me, when I learned about asexuality, it took about 5 minutes for me to accept it. Because I realized nothing was wrong with me.

[Janus the Fox]

I accept whatever comes my way in terms of sexuality, just accepting how the mind (and to a lesser extent, the body) does how things is key in accepting exactly who I am.

[SkyWorld]

It took me about two months.

Most people here have felt like they were broken. I actually never felt that way. I thought that I was perfectly "normal" and it was everyone else being odd. I thought that deep down, they felt the same as I did, but because of the social pressure and expectations, they were just being into sex because it was "cool" and just over-exaggerating.

I found out about demisexuality before hearing about asexuality. At first I identified as demi then grey because I was afraid to accept myself as asexual. All this time I thought that I was part of the majority, it was very hard for me to accept that I'm actually part of the minority of the minority.

And also thinking, "how can I know that I'm asexual, what if I feel sexual attraction in the future?" Well, after hearing that it's a logical possibility, nobody can truly know the future. What matters is what I know right here and right now. And right now, I know that I have yet to feel any sexual attraction or desire for partnered sex.

I've been identifying myself as asexual for almost a year since I have accepted it. I know that there's nothing wrong with me as I originally thought of myself before knowing about asexuality. However, it did change my view on the world. The way that I thought was actually wrong and I felt like my whole life was a lie. So that was kind of hard to come to grasp, but I'm okay with myself.

Besides, being asexual is only a small part of me and doesn't define all that I am. There's still a whole lot of my personality that makes me feel great as a person.

[Nami]

I'm new to this site, but I'm certain I'm asexual, and it is hard for me to accept even though I've known for a long time.
At first I thought I had to be gay because I wasn't sexually attracted to men, but I'm not attracted to women either, so I can't be. At first I thought I'd rather be gay because people make such a massive fuss about sex and being 'sexually awakened' and having sexual liberation directly being linked to happiness, and if I were gay at least I could be in on this idea that seems to be such a huge thing in the media and society in general. I've always felt left out among my friends when they were talking about this kind of stuff even before I knew 'asexual' was a thing, and accepting that this is me is hard, but I'm learning to be kind to myself and love who I am, and I hope you can too.
I kind of get what you mean though, I consider myself social, I have a lot of friends and a boyfriend, but I also have anxiety and depression, and sometimes I feel like I'm totally insane, and this is just another thing that alienates me. But that's the point, asexuality is another thing. Being asexual isn't a mental illness, and it doesn't make you mentally ill or weird, just as much as being gay, straight, bisexual, demisexual etc. does because asexuality is equally as valid as any other sexuality. Plus, I'm sure if you met me, you'd never know that I have anxiety and depression, nor would you guess I'm asexual. It's a part of who you are yes, but not who you are, so please don't worry about it defining you, you're a whole person with a sexuality, not just a sexuality in a body (if this makes sense?).
Plus, I'm in a relationship with a sexual person. I'm romantically and aesthetically attracted to him, I love him and I'm really really happy. He knows I'm asexual, even though I came out to myself and him when I was actually with him, which must have hurt, but he's so loving and accepting of me. Plus, having a physical relationship with him doesn't bother me, I don't desire it like sexual people do, but I'm not sex repulsed (even though being sex repulsed is perfectly okay) so it makes me happy making sure he gets what he wants out of this relationship, as he'd never force sex on me and he constantly goes out of his way to look after me when I'm having a bad day, and he'd do anything for me. We're both happy, and I genuinely am happy doing what I'm doing and being asexual. I'm still accepting it, but at least I know who I am, and that's something you should be proud of too :)

[Blue Phoenix Ace]

After about four sleepless nights, yeah I think I got a handle on it. Granted, I learned about it around my 37th birthday. But after realizing it, I just felt relief. I knew it fit me, and it was good to know there was this community to interact with.

[Keumi]

I think it took me about a week. As soon as I read about it, I knew it fit me. It made so much sense. But then as I thought more about it, I got the feeling of being broken and weird. Pretty much got over that after a week or so, but those feelings still come back sometimes.

[Krista]

Well, first I was in denial for a long time. Then at the age of 29 I truely considered whether I was asexual. It took about 2-3 weeks to accept it after that. I realized that whether or not I wanted to be asexual, whether or not I accepted my asexuality, the truth was that I don't want sex and I'm not sexually attracted to people. So the only thing to do was accept it and get on with my life becuase my asexuality wasn't going to change.

It sounds like the idea of finding a partner is what is bothering you. It is true that finding a person you are compatible with in the small pool of asexuals is hard. It's also hard to make a relationship with a sexual person work. But just becuase those things are hard doesn't mean they're impossible! You might have to work harder and put yourself out there more than someone who wasn't asexual, but if you truely want to find someone you just have to keep trying.

[RK800]

I'm still working on it, to be honest.

[Atrytone]

How long did it take you to accept it?

Pretty much no time at all once I realized. The first time I refered to myself as asexual on social media it just felt right. I always felt different growing up, broken, and didn't have a word for those feelings. As soon as I did, well, it was a relief.

I've known for 5 years now, and I can't seem to come to terms with it. I'm still frustrated and angry and wondering "what I did to deserve this." The thing is though that I'm not READY to accept it, I still want to go to therapy, and have my hormones constantly checked, and try medicines, and hopelessly believe that it will just take a few more years like it did for my father.

It sounds like you are very distressed about this. Based on readings I've done most asexual people feel relatively little distress about their orientation. I would recommend seeing a clinical psychologist or psychiatrist with experience in human sexuality or sexual dysfunction. There are a number of things that could be causing you distress and a professional would be best equipped to help you deal with what's going on.

[...]talking to people on here really makes me feel like this must be some form of insanity. So many people who are asexual seem to have some kind of unrelated mental issues or are just socially strange if I meet them in person.

While it is true that people have considered asexuality a sexual dysfunction, perhaps on par with hypoactive sexual desire disorder (HSDD), current literature suggests that it is a true orientation. If what you are experiencing is not asexuality but a disorder or a dysfunction it may fit the classification of abnormal behaviour; rare, maladaptive behaviour that violates societal norms and causes personal distress or impairment (x). The reason I bring this up as a possibility is not to doubt or denigrate your sexuality but to suggest a potential alternative.

I'm sorry to hear that you still struggle with your orientation and wish you never heard about asexuality. I strongly recommend you speak with a professional about it to sort out your own feelings if nothing else.

Good luck, be well.

[SubØhm]

I still haven't fully accepted it. I'm still trying to figure out where I fall in all of this and I honestly don't know when i will fully accept it to be honest.

[Autumn Season]

About a month? Maybe? But it always felt right.

It's just that I always considered my feelings as the norm, so trying to see the difference between asexual and heterosexual was difficult at first. "Everyone (heterosexuals) is like me (asexual) so why are we using different labels?" Haha.

I try and invite guys over like the other women my age do

Maybe I'm just naive, but I only see this kind of thing in TV shows and seldomly even there. Real life people in my surroundings rarely do this, as far as I am aware.

[Queen Under the Mountain]

Less than five minutes. It was a huge relief actually, I felt free to stop trying to find a guy I would like to have something with and have words to explain to my friends why I show so little interest in relationships. Also, a lot of misunderstandings finally made sense.

About mental health issues, yeah, a lot of people here have it, but a lot of people out of here also have it. In any given population, be it aces, straights, vegan, pet lovers, Democrats, you'll find people with mental health issues because we live in a world where these issues are becoming more and more common independent of age, sexuality, musical taste, political affiliation or whatever.

[Guest]

I accepted it straight away, but at first I had a lot of doubt as to whether I was "really ace" or just trying to convince myself I was, after A while I realised it was mainly other people trying to convince myself I wasn't, but to be honest, it's never really bothered me.

I mean certainly if you wanted to be in a relationship, then yes it can be a barrier, but it's not some insurmountable hurdle, it's more like a wall put in place to see who really cares enough about the relationship to get over it.

Also, Since you didn't specify as to whether you have considered this i'll ask, have you entertained the possibility that you are homosexual,demisexual,gray sexual or simply attracted to non-binary identities?

[Tanzanite]

I already felt broken in other ways at the time, so I was pretty much numb at that point when I figured out that I was asexual, but this was actually one of the things I surprisingly didn't feel broken about. I would have accepted this immediately if I wasn't trying to gather more information about it. To me, it sucks not knowing the correct terms of what I am and how I am.

[cato]

About four or five years.

I realized I was asexual around the age of 15, but it didn't really bother me that much until I was 17, since I chalked some of it up to taking antidepressants. Once I got off those, though, and realized this was just the way I was, then... yeah. I spent the next several years feeling like I was broken and empty inside, a less than human shell. The lack of sexual attraction didn't bother me, but the aromanticism did. What was I, some kind of sociopathic freak? I've always been shy, and I struggled to fit in all through K-12. It was just one more reminder that I did not fit in, and that something was wrong with me. At my lowest, I considered suicide.

By 19, I finally made my peace. I can't miss what I've never had, and I seem to be doing OK in life without a need for a romantic other. Ultimately, my despair originated from what I thought others would expect of me; my expectation of what the rest of society is like removed, I don't personally care about having relationships, and I'd never think about them if I was suddenly the only person on the planet. So, why stress myself out of over wanting to want something I don't actually want?

Would I change to heterosexual or lesbian if I were given the opportunity? Yes, in a heartbeat. But they still haven't figured out what makes people gay, much less asexual. There's no magic medicine I can take any time in the future, and I have the rest of my life to live. Either I can wallow over what I'm not, or I can go enjoy what I am.

[amysorel]

I don´t think that be an asexual is a catastrophe. I didn´t be an asexual whole of my life, the change was coming slowly when I was about 18 years old. I only realized that I started to prefer psychological impulses instead physical ones and I extended range of my hobbies and interests to make my brain and soul happy.

I have never solute what are other people thinking about me. My friends always support me, so I needn´t to feel strange.

[Peachyy]

Ive been reluctant to give up my sexual-humorous personality. I don't know why. I dont even like it. But I feel an overwhelming compulsion to make the topic of choice revolve around men because that's what's easiest to talk about with het women. So I cant fully accept myself around others because that's the persona I've created around certain people. Im more myself around new aquatences but I'm stuck with that "hyper hetero" person I made to get through talking to women I didnt know very well. I'm also somewhat afraid to not be that person around those who know me as that because some people connected with me solely for how sexual and romantic I acted. But I know that its what I am and I'm trying to be more open about it by at least dropping those old fronts... But its difficult. Im not usually a very self conscious person but I'm more worried that other people won't accept it. The first person I mentioned my aromanticism to basically told me that I was lying because they had only known me to act opposite of it.

[Anthracite_Impreza]

Err, about 5 seconds, after which I just went "Hmmm, so I'm the weirdo? I still maintain everyone else's the weirdos". Then I went on my merry way.

[Guest]

but talking to people on here really makes me feel like this must be some form of insanity. So many people who are asexual seem to have some kind of unrelated mental issues or are just socially strange if I meet them in person.

Uhhhh... yeah. I think asexuality is very real and very much exists, and I think there are people on AVEN who are totally smart and cool and decent and can be social and take a joke and function in society, but I also think that asexuality has become the sexuality for people who don't fit in... I see it constantly on here, the use of social maladaptation to prove a sexual orientation. It's totally messed up. I'd also agree that the only meet up I attended was less than reassuring. Pretty sure anyone who happened by would assume it was an asperger's support group. But you just gotta keep reminding yourself that this is the internet, so amongst all the asexuals who exist, the ones who come play online are probably the more socially awkward ones. Don't let it get you down, and definitely don't let it make you question yourself. You are you, and you are awesome, and nothing about AVEN can or will change that.

[Qloshae]

Well, I first heard of demisexuality, but while it did stick to me, I just didn't feel like it was accurate. I even for a long time considered myself hyper-sexual due to my strong libido.

However, after quite some time I found this site and decided to join. I learned a lot from reading and learned to separate the elements that made me think I was hyper sexual, such as being omni-sensual and bi-aesthetically attracted to people, from the other types of attractions such as hetero-romantic.

More than this I learned that my libido had little to do with being a sexual or not because it does not describe an attraction, it describes a drive for sexual activity. Just that for asexuals with a libido, this drive is not focused.

The more I read, the more I noticed how much what I thought everyone experienced was wrong and the things I thought were parodies were actually the way sexuals perceived things. It became even clearer when a female friend of mine at the time tried to seduce me. Not being sexual, I was completely out of that framework and as such just thought it was hilarious.

I don't think there was a specific time when I accepted it, I mean, I have always accepted my own sexuality or lack thereof, but the process of understanding that I am an asexual took quite some time and went very gradually with no specific point at which I went from thinking I was a sexual to understanding that I was an asexual.

Knowing it however has helped me a lot, not only understanding where I am coming from and where others are coming from, but it has helped me discern what society tells me from what I actually feel which has made me a lot more free. I no longer believe that sexual attraction is a combination of aesthetic and romantic attraction and this means that I am now a lot more able at taking a step back and admiring people for their qualities.

In general tho, just being on this forum is what convinced me, even a silly little test about what type of asexual you are helped me as it put me as an autosexual, which makes sense to me because I view having sex with a woman more like a weekend at a hotel than drinking (and yes, I used drinking because thirst is a craving for water). Which again really just gave me a better understanding of why I do not experience sexual attraction.

Another thing that helped that I was discussing my frustrations with friendships with a support group for men and I stated that when I say that I love someone, what I mean is just that I respect them immensely and that they mean more to me than anyone else. Intended in an entirely platonic way. The other men there, knowing that I was asexual, however pointed out how to them, that is pretty much always connected to sexual attraction, even if it relates to a guy and they are heterosexual. Sure, they might have exaggerated a bit, but it did show some difference in perspective between me and them, simply due to me not experiencing sexual attraction.

Oh wow, this was a long text that went off topic. XD

[Qloshae]

My friend is constantly either saying I'm not asexual or that I should accept it all and start trying to date someone who is asexual. And then, and I'm so so sorry to say this but I have a hard time talking about how I feel on here if I don't express my true feelings about this forum and asexuality in general, but talking to people on here really makes me feel like this must be some form of insanity. So many people who are asexual seem to have some kind of unrelated mental issues or are just socially strange if I meet them in person. And, of course I would say this an the incredibly unfit social worker (of all things) that I am, that makes me more than ever want to be as unaffiliated as possible with the whole thing, certainly not go looking for a male asexual partner.

Above all, I wish i never discovered asexuality because then I would have just lived my life, some therapy and assuming I was just going to have to have sex with my partner regardless and have no moral issues with it. But now that it's like this sexuality, it feels too much like getting a male partner as a lesbian woman, just somehow wrong. Although, I often think it's the best option and hope I can just go through with it.

I'm sorry to lay that out here, but like I said, it's so hard for me to be on here and get anything out of it without saying my true feelings, even if they are offensive.

I know how you feel, sometimes it would just be easier if it was just a mental issue or a phase, but it's not so we might as well get used to it.

I also know what you mean about this forum, some people seem clueless and some are outright territorial. That said, there's a lot of great people on here and many of them are normal.

That said, there are variations within asexuality and you might not identify with them all and there are people here who do have psychological conditions, I mean, it wouldn't be the internet otherwise.

The main point here is to trust yourself, trust your understanding and finding a way to make your life better.

Asexual or not, everything is a learning experience, that's the perspective I used to cope here for quite some time before I felt more secure in the label.

[m4rble]

but talking to people on here really makes me feel like this must be some form of insanity. So many people who are asexual seem to have some kind of unrelated mental issues or are just socially strange if I meet them in person.

Uhhhh... yeah. I think asexuality is very real and very much exists, and I think there are people on AVEN who are totally smart and cool and decent and can be social and take a joke and function in society, but I also think that asexuality has become the sexuality for people who don't fit in... I see it constantly on here, the use of social maladaptation to prove a sexual orientation. It's totally messed up. I'd also agree that the only meet up I attended was less than reassuring. Pretty sure anyone who happened by would assume it was an asperger's support group. But you just gotta keep reminding yourself that this is the internet, so amongst all the asexuals who exist, the ones who come play online are probably the more socially awkward ones. Don't let it get you down, and definitely don't let it make you question yourself. You are you, and you are awesome, and nothing about AVEN can or will change that.

Well I'm on the autism spectrum(very high functioning) and I'm also definitely on the asexual spectrum. I had some issues when I was younger that made it difficult for me to relate to other people and interact socially. Although I still have a few issues I've learned to cope pretty well. You probably wouldn't think I was too unusual if you met me in real life. I think people online are more open about their anxieties and emotional issues. This post seems to be very judgmental. I'm not trying to seem overly sensitive, but this was sort of bothering me.

[Anthracite_Impreza]

but talking to people on here really makes me feel like this must be some form of insanity. So many people who are asexual seem to have some kind of unrelated mental issues or are just socially strange if I meet them in person.

Uhhhh... yeah. I think asexuality is very real and very much exists, and I think there are people on AVEN who are totally smart and cool and decent and can be social and take a joke and function in society, but I also think that asexuality has become the sexuality for people who don't fit in... I see it constantly on here, the use of social maladaptation to prove a sexual orientation. It's totally messed up. I'd also agree that the only meet up I attended was less than reassuring. Pretty sure anyone who happened by would assume it was an asperger's support group. But you just gotta keep reminding yourself that this is the internet, so amongst all the asexuals who exist, the ones who come play online are probably the more socially awkward ones. Don't let it get you down, and definitely don't let it make you question yourself. You are you, and you are awesome, and nothing about AVEN can or will change that.

Well I'm on the autism spectrum(very high functioning) and I'm also definitely on the asexual spectrum. I had some issues when I was younger that made it difficult for me to relate to other people and interact socially. Although I still have a few issues I've learned to cope pretty well. You probably wouldn't think I was too unusual if you met me in real life. I think people online are more open about their anxieties and emotional issues. This post seems to be very judgmental. I'm not trying to seem overly sensitive, but this was sort of bothering me.

I must admit, it hurt me too. As someone who's still coming to terms with the fact they're likely autistic, having people see us as weirdos who you should try to avoid is painful.

[Guest]

but talking to people on here really makes me feel like this must be some form of insanity. So many people who are asexual seem to have some kind of unrelated mental issues or are just socially strange if I meet them in person.

Uhhhh... yeah. I think asexuality is very real and very much exists, and I think there are people on AVEN who are totally smart and cool and decent and can be social and take a joke and function in society, but I also think that asexuality has become the sexuality for people who don't fit in... I see it constantly on here, the use of social maladaptation to prove a sexual orientation. It's totally messed up. I'd also agree that the only meet up I attended was less than reassuring. Pretty sure anyone who happened by would assume it was an asperger's support group. But you just gotta keep reminding yourself that this is the internet, so amongst all the asexuals who exist, the ones who come play online are probably the more socially awkward ones. Don't let it get you down, and definitely don't let it make you question yourself. You are you, and you are awesome, and nothing about AVEN can or will change that.

Well I'm on the autism spectrum(very high functioning) and I'm also definitely on the asexual spectrum. I had some issues when I was younger that made it difficult for me to relate to other people and interact socially. Although I still have a few issues I've learned to cope pretty well. You probably wouldn't think I was too unusual if you met me in real life. I think people online are more open about their anxieties and emotional issues. This post seems to be very judgmental. I'm not trying to seem overly sensitive, but this was sort of bothering me.

I must admit, it hurt me too. As someone who's still coming to terms with the fact they're likely autistic, having people see us as weirdos who you should try to avoid is painful.

My post was intended to be judgmental. Because sometimes we have to talk about this stuff. AVEN has more weirdos than your average place, and I very much understand why someone who is totally regular and otherwise normally functioning but also asexual would look around AVEN and wonder why they didn't fit in. Judgmental? Yes. A genuine issue? Also yes.

[Anthracite_Impreza]

So what do you propose?

[deltaX]

Once I heard the term, it took me about two months to accept that I was asexual, and a few more months after that to be totally okay with it. I think acceptance comes for different people at different rates, so try not to feel discourage if you're still frustrated and confused after five years.

I hope that if you are asexual you find a way to be okay with that. There is absolutely nothing wrong with you, no matter what your orientation is.

[TacitMoon]

..

[deltaX]

Once I heard the term, it took me about two months to accept that I was asexual, and a few more months after that to be totally okay with it. I think acceptance comes for different people at different rates, so try not to feel discourage if you're still frustrated and confused after five years.

I hope that if you are asexual you find a way to be okay with that. There is absolutely nothing wrong with you, no matter what your orientation is.