How Long Did it Take You to Accept It?

[BrightCancer]

At once...because i always knew i am different just i didn't know there is a name for that difference...and now that i know it's called Asexual i embraced it happily because it was nothing surprising for me, it was just that i found out what it is called....and now after knowing that it actually has a name and meaning i have a better perspective about it and about my self.

[Morning Glory]

[i'm not all that talented at my own grasp of the English language, despite it being my first language, so I worry how well this will translate from my thoughts to written words... But here goes nothing.]

A little bit about my story:

When I heard of the term "asexual" it didn't click with me right away. Despite always questioning my sexuality, I always identified as heterosexual. When I came here and read some of the stories of other aces, i realized that I must be asexual. I couldn't accept it at first, in fact it might've taken me over a month... I'm not sure, I didn't really time myself. But then I thought "when someone realizes their sexuality isn't the norm... It's a hard thing to accept." And it was at that moment that I realized I could be okay with it, because that was just it: it was an orientation. I wasn't broken. I wasn't sick. I wasn't unstable. I didn't change at all. I simply had an orientation. Sure it was different then the norm, but it didn't ultimately change me; it was simply a part of what made me me. I accepted my asexuality at that point, but even now I'm still fairly insecure. I'm always a little doubtful. Worried and unsure. I keep telling myself that it's fine. It's not something set in stone, because who can tell what will happen? A persons sexuality has been known to change (or rather they just expand on it or re-realize it). So, even though I identify as an ace and I'm proud of it, I'm still not 100% okay with it and that is what generally upsets me. It's not the fact that I'm not heterosexual that bothers me, it's the fact that I'm insecure about my orientation that truly troubles me. But I'm still learning and discovering more about myself. And being here has done so much for me.

Emily, it's not fair for anyone to expect you to accept this. If you're not ready to, then don't stress yourself over it. This sort of thing should take time to sort itself out. Therapy might be beneficial, if you're comfortable with that, but I hope you'll be careful regarding medications.

And after reading what you had to say, I am compelled to ask... What is it YOU want? Do you really want to be in a sexual relationship? It sounds like you're uncomfortable with it but you still seem to want it and that confuses me a bit. If it makes you so uncomfortable then why would you want it so badly? If it's just the relationship you want, then why not pursue one the way you feel most comfortable with (not the way other girls do), then whenever the time feels right you can explain to this person how you feel regarding intimacy.

You should never feel trapped by your sexuality or anything else for that matter. This is YOUR life, and you should be free to live it as YOU choose. Work with your sexuality (whatever it may be), rather then against it. But if it still upsets you so much, then... Well then try not to even think about it. Rather then worry over your sexuality just focus on who you are and what you want and what you like. Go for the things you like and don't feel ashamed to deny the things you don't like.

I've often viewed discovering one's self as putting together a puzzle. You need to find the pieces, figure out where they fit, and when you see a bit of a bigger picture things are likely to be easier from there. Maybe some rogue pieces are amoung your own, maybe you've lost some, but that's okay, they'll surely be found, and there are those around you that will be willing to help you. But you shouldn't force the peices and make them fit, and if you ever get frustrated then it's not wrong to take a break; sometimes a break is important in order to carry on. It's natural to get discouraged but don't let that rule over you.

Another question I'd like to ask is... Why are you putting so many limitations on yourself? It seems that you feel you should restrict who you see or how you should see them. If you find someone you'd like to make a connection with then why worry about sexualities? And another thing: do you think sex is required in dating someone? Have you tried dating someone without involving sex? Why are you lettin sexualities play such a huge factor in any of this? Are you letting society and your peers forge the guidelines in how you should run your life?

[binary suns]

TBH I heard about and met other asexuals before I even identified myself, and at the time I didn't even think that I might myself be xD I just thought I was uncomfortable and/or inexperienced is all, and at the time I hadn't dated anyone yet simply 'cause I decided to wait until college.

when I started dating, after awhile I did get in a sexual relationship, and things felt weird and different. I assumed it was because I wasn't really physically attracted to that partner, I mean she was pretty and stuff but I really liked her personality. but anyway a few months after we broke up I stumbled across an asexual documentary on netflix, and watched it, and it made me curious so I came to AVEN, and it was STILL a month before I decided to fully identify as ace xD it just, it seemed like such a foreign concept compared to what I had grown up learning :(

after identifying, it was nearly half a year before I really felt comfortable "being ace". the thing is, at some point along my journey, I had struggled to identify exactly what a relationship is all about anyway, and so I concluded that a "healthy relationship" is when two partners are trusting enough to be sexually compatible... xD

[screamqueen]

It took me a very long time. Mostly because I thought there was something physically wrong with my body and libido. I just never understood why I couldn't enjoy sex because I really wanted to be like everyone else. Then I started to realize how many excuses I would constantly make just to get out of having sex with my partner or how many times I would just give in just to shut him up. What normal gf does that unless they don't really care about the person which in my case I do. So with that being said, I started to do random researches and started piecing things here and there together and I discovered this site and now everything seems so clear. I was so confused before but now things make total sense but yet I'm still quite confused as this is all new to me. I'm still not sure if I want to accept that this is who I am. I never even knew there was anything out there besides gay, straight, or celibate. Funny being that I live in California.. one of the most diverse States in the US.

[screamqueen]

How long did it take you to accept it?

I've known for 5 years now, and I can't seem to come to terms with it. I'm still frustrated and angry and wondering "what I did to deserve this." The thing is though that I'm not READY to accept it, I still want to go to therapy, and have my hormones constantly checked, and try medicines, and hopelessly believe that it will just take a few more years like it did for my father. I try and invite guys over like the other women my age do and even if one agrees to keep coming without sex sex, I end up resenting the fact that I have to offer up handjobs to compromise with my partner.

If you don't wanna be offended today, don't go on.

My friend is constantly either saying I'm not asexual or that I should accept it all and start trying to date someone who is asexual. And then, and I'm so so sorry to say this but I have a hard time talking about how I feel on here if I don't express my true feelings about this forum and asexuality in general, but talking to people on here really makes me feel like this must be some form of insanity. So many people who are asexual seem to have some kind of unrelated mental issues or are just socially strange if I meet them in person. And, of course I would say this an the incredibly unfit social worker (of all things) that I am, that makes me more than ever want to be as unaffiliated as possible with the whole thing, certainly not go looking for a male asexual partner.

Above all, I wish i never discovered asexuality because then I would have just lived my life, some therapy and assuming I was just going to have to have sex with my partner regardless and have no moral issues with it. But now that it's like this sexuality, it feels too much like getting a male partner as a lesbian woman, just somehow wrong. Although, I often think it's the best option and hope I can just go through with it.

I'm sorry to lay that out here, but like I said, it's so hard for me to be on here and get anything out of it without saying my true feelings, even if they are offensive.

I also kinda want to agree with you about the mental issue.. I was diagnosed with bipolar and manic depressive disorder, I also have always been so socially awkward and never really liked people but when I do actually want to try and connect with other people, I scare them away with my lack of social skills..

[inactive12345]

Really long time... maybe 4-5 years?

[Stargazer365]

It took me maybe an hour or two to accept it. Finding out that there was a name for what I was feeling, or wasn't feeling, and that there were others like me was a huge relief. I had always thought there was something seriously wrong with me. I'm just disappointed that I had to be 42 years old to figure it out. I wish I knew decades ago.

[furor]

I thought it took me a year, I only just accepted it like two months ago but have been thinking maybe I am for a year. That was until I dug up an old twitter account and saw a tweet from 2012 saying "I think I might be asexual", I can't even remember that but it doesn't surprise me as I've struggled with my sexuality since I was eight years old.

There was a lot of back and forth between being heterosexual, bisexual and homosexual. I just couldn't figure myself out, now I'm just stuck with figuring out my romantic attraction properly.

[Guest]

I accepted it right away! It was my halelujah moment when i saw the term for that thing i was feeling for all these years, that there was no fix needed for what wasnt broken and all that after that faithful day when i met another asexual on another forum who surprised me by agreeing with everything i said about sex and relationships! I still dont know who that asexual was but i still thank God for that person.

I was like: "Ohhh so im asexual!! Praise the Lord!" "Wheres my cake???" :D

[spideycat]

I feel like this sometimes, too. It took me until I was 18 or 19 to accept that I was ace (and I'm only 20 now), and before that, I told myself for a while that I was demisexual and just hadn't met the right person yet. I really didn't want to be ace. I feel like it's really hard to navigate relationships as an asexual person, and I guess I'm still trying to come to terms with it, too! But the other replies on this forum seem to be full of really good advice about that.

[Lyn Lyn]

It took me two years.

The first time I read about this I thought: no way! This can't be me. And I literally forgot about it. I didn't want to think about it. Nothing. The worst thing I did was not admiting myself I was asexual.

Two days ago I reread again what I read before and I feel I can admit it to myself now.

See? I didn't want to believe I was different. Cause I have a boyfriend I thought that asexuality was not it. I was so wrong.

I kept struggling and thinking during those two years about what it could be. I ended up believing I had an actual problem like insanity or something.

I felt... As if I wasn't myself anymore. Hopefully I reread again about asexuality. Then I tried to remember a moment, a single moment that I was attracted sexually to someone (as in I want to have sex with him). I couldn't remember anything. Not even with my boyfriend.

So I thought deeper and I found myself being ignorant to those feelings. You know, the typical friend that tells you she wants to have sex with other person and so. At that moments, I just thought that I didn't understand her because I had to experiment it. Wrong. I experimented it and I still don't know what that feeling is. I can find someone physically attractive but when I think about sex... It is a big no. And it is not because I don't want to, it is just my body does not need it. I don't have the necessity or whatever it is. I don't care why. I'm just like that.

I'm a newbie over here but I want to say that I like to be understood (finally).

Now there is something I have to do: coming out (I don't believe we have to come out of the closet because we are different. I don't even believe that anyone should come out of the closet. Because there is nothing wrong in us. It is just we don't match in the normal ranges. Do heterosexual people come out? Of course not, so why should I? Because it is not the preestablished thing, but as I don't know how to calk it, I will keep saying coming out for now). I have to come out because I have a boyfriend and I can't stand our actual situation anymore. I have to do it in front of my family too (my mother is strong catholic believer and I'm atheist, so... That's the big deal of it)

I hope it is going to be okay... I hope that they don't treat me bad. I hope the don't think I'm broken or something like that.

But that depends on my ability to confront the rejection.

I send you cakes and support (and more cakes):) Feel free to send PMs if you want to talk to me.

[Niliinvas]

I actually thought i was a lesbian when i was 12, because i got aesthetic and sexual attraction mixed up and desperately tried to suppress it. I learned about asexuality at 13, but i never figured it'd apply to me. i was still trying to tell myself i was straight as an arrow.

Figured I'd use the ace label a month ago, but its kind of a love/hate relationship. Sometimes it makes me feel free, like I know myself and finally understand who i am. Other times i feel broken, deluded or fake. Don't really have anyone to talk to about it because only one person knows, and I wouldn't want to burden her with my misery.

[IceSinger]

I found out about asexuality about six months ago. For me I think it´s still sinking in. Not really that I´m asexual because I´ve known pretty much all my life, but that other people aren´t. That´s really hard to understand and to accept, at least for me..

[Truth and Lies]

...Perhaps... a second? Basically, like: "Hm. Okay... cool. *goes back to reading manga*"

[SpiffyParadox]

I pretty much accepted it instantly but, never really 'celebrated' it (if that's the right word; ugh I can't think atm). I've known through out high school and didn't really care if anyone knew or not or their reactions. They accepted it? Awesome. They thought it was 'just a phase' etc.? Whatever, not my problem; and I go back to whatever I was doing.

It wasn't until a few months ago (or earlier this year) that I decided to research it more and try to find and make asexual friends (hence why i'm here). Y'know, it's always nice finding someone else who understands you in that sense.

[Baam]

It didn't take me long at all. I thought my whole life (ok I'm not old at all, but still) that everyone was like me. I didn't realise I was different. I only had to confirm that ok, people aren't making all this up, and then I was fine. That took a week, max.

I definitely wouldn't call myself socially awkward. Perhaps, 3 or 4 years ago, but now definitely not. I have a phobia of spiders, but that's really common and doesn't affect my life too much. This might confirm that I'm crazy in itself, but I honestly think I'm pretty normal; I'm nothing special. If you want to talk more, PM me.

You weren't offensive, btw.

[Fjording]

Took me a long time. I tried very hard not to be ace for many years and it did me no favours. I can understand your frustration, looking for reasons, wishing this wasn’t your life and so on. At the same time, coming to terms with it does help. Though it’s often hard to believe, there are ways for you to live without comprimise.

Try and forget about social expectations and all that stuff for a minute, and just consider this. Would you really be happy living your life, ignoring your true feelings and eventually resigning yourself to a sexual relationship — all the while feeling like something wasn’t right? It’s your life, you’re the one who gets to decide. And it sounds to me like you’ve had it up to your eyeballs trying to soldier through this.

As for the extent of mental disorders you keep seeing in the forums, keep in mind you’re dealing with an online community of anonymous users. They’re sharing their stories, details of their sexuality, romantic orientation, gender identity; asking questions of a really intimate nature. In a setting like this, people tend to share. Certain traits they might otherwise keep under wraps becomes visible, might even be the only place they can afford to discuss this aspect of themselves without fear of reprisal. Everyone has their issues. It can be, but is not necessarily related to asexuality.

Haven’t met a lot of aces in real life, but I recently had occasion and they were one of the warmest and mentally sound people I’d met in a long time. Good things do happen.

[Xavy]

I discovered asexuality and AVEN in the summer of 2007, although it answered the burning questions I had about my sexuality I didn't fully accept it until the summer of 2013 when I joined AVEN.