Confused and seeking input

[Bezzy-Loo]

I'm a bit frightened.

I've mentioned before that I'm in a relationship with a guy who is a sexual, but who is super understanding. Yes, my asexuality is a bit of a bugger for him, but he doesn't hold it against me and we've got things decently worked out.

But I'm wanting to be with him less and less. Yes, the typical little annoyances like disagreements over sleeping temperatures and who should do what chores add a little salt to the wound, but I don't think that they ARE the wound. The guy's fantastic, a total sweetheart, wonderfully goofy, just overall a great person to be around, and I'm not feeling like I'm yearning for anything more or different. I just keep feeling like I want to be single.

This becomes a bigger issue because he is very much against the idea of relationships being "on break," and that seems cruel anyway since I'm not sure when or if I might want a relationship again. He's also very all-or-nothing - if we were to break up, he feels we would have to cut contact, at least for awhile, so that we don't start resenting each other or anything, but I don't want to completely lose him like that. At the same time, I'm starting to question when I tell him that I love him, and it seems cruel to keep him on something like a "lesser relationship tier," especially after all he's done for me. I'm also not sure how it will continue to affect me to remain a couple when I keep thinking about being single.

A lot of the reason I feel the urge to be single is to gain more independence. I want to have total control of my own home, how it's arranged and decorated, how it's kept. I don't want to have any responsibilities to anyone else while at home - I want to do what I want, when I want. Over the years, I've also become very aware that I do best under certain stresses, like taking better care of things when I know that no one else is around to do it for me, and it is extremely difficult for me to get motivated otherwise.

On the other hand, I love hugs and cuddling, and I'm right on the border of being an extrovert (I frequently swing back and forth for some reason). It's hard to be single when such behavior tends to be so reserved for relationships, especially when I find it easiest to get along with guys.

I don't think I have a problem with romance. I feel it often gets overdone in media, but I do appreciate a good romance, and I'm certainly not opposed to being a part of romance. I appreciate romantic gestures as well. But, this does seem to be yet another proof that I am incapable of sticking with anything (and I mean anything in life at all), and it worries me.

We have talked a bit about it. He's made it clear that he really wants to stay with me, but won't force it if I don't want it. He just wants to know sooner rather than later if we're going to separate, so he can plan and reorganize his life better. Much as it had been bugging me prior to the conversation, the next day everything seemed fine and wonderful (to me, at least; he could barely sleep that night because he kept worrying) - and now I'm back to this. He doesn't think that relationship counseling would do us any good even if we could afford it. I'm sure he'd also wonder if my medication might be partly to blame, and although I doubt it, I can't definitively say it's unrelated.

I just need a direction. Something I can act on, so I'm not just stuck thinking about it. Just some clue that can help me figure out the best answer to this.

Sorry for the really long post.

[nanogretchen4]

It sounds like maybe living together is the part that isn't working for you right now. Maybe you would be happier dating but maintaining separate residences. Relationships like that are not unusual between two sexuals, although being asexual would probably make it harder to find someone looking for the same thing. Anyway, now that you are already living with your partner it may not be possible to put the toothpaste back in the tube with this person.

Before making a final decision about separating I think you should try to negotiate to get a little more space. For example, can you have your own room? Can you take separate vacations and maybe get away from each other for a week now and then without putting the whole relationship on break? Can you socialize with your own friends more often instead of always doing things as a couple? If you get a little time away you may even start to miss him, but that won't happen as long as you feel crowded.

[Frigid Pink]

I think you need to determine if there's a workable solution for your need for space. I also think you need to have a discussion about the type of relationship you each want and whether or not you want the same things from a relationship together. I wish you the best as you decide what to do!

[Bezzy-Loo]

We're a bit locked in to our current living situation. Neither of us can afford to live alone (we're having trouble affording a just a single-bedroom place even together), and we have several months until the current lease is up. Our families live nowhere near one another (pretty much opposite sides of the country), so even if we were willing to move back in with our parents, we wouldn't be able to visit or anything anymore. We had intended to get a 2-bedroom place and were strongly considering having separate bedrooms, but we weren't able to find a place.

"Stuck" is pretty much the single best word to describe any aspect of our lives right now.

[Schattenschatz]

Considering what you have said about your circumstances, I would say that breaking up at this point would be somewhat of an overreaction and something you might regret later. It seems that you are craving more space than you are getting, and in a one bedroom apartment, I can imagine so. I lived with my now husband in a one room apartment for a little while, and I felt the same increasing need for space the longer we were there. I have also gone through phases (mostly in the early stages of our relationship) when I missed being single just because of the freedom it granted me. On the other hand though, I could not imagine losing him, so that always won out. Now, we are no longer crammed into one room, we have plenty of space, we do certain things separately to maintain independence but still have plenty of time together, and I don't feel that way anymore.

I think if you are naturally a very independent person, feelings like that are normal when you get into a relationship. And I know that I can only speak for myself, but it would have been a huge mistake for me to break up with him because of those feelings. They did signify to me that things needed to change - we needed a better balance so that I didn't feel crowded and smothered - but ultimately that was something that we worked out fairly naturally as our relationship progressed and our situation got better.