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Is it safe to come out?


JackofSpades

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I've only recently discovered the word asexual and feel it describes me perfectly. I'm very happy and excited to move forward in this new aspect of my identity, but I don't know if I should come out to my family. I live in a relatively large family with two older siblings, two younger, and both my parents. My entire family (including myself) are strong Christians. I personally don't see anything wrong with being asexual and Christian but I'm afraid of disappointing my parents. My dad in particular can be quick to judge, temperamental and a huge hypocrite. I don't really want to get into a shouting match with him and feel like less of a person simply for who I am. What should I do?

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I'm not one to be giving advice, but, as a Christian, I can understand your quandary. I'm probably way older than you, as I don't live with my parents. Only recently, after my second divorce did I discover Aven and was finally able to identify myself as an Aro Ace. I don't know how your household is, but for me, I don't think it's anybody else's business how I conduct my private life. If I want somebody to know I am Ace, I will tell them. If not, I keep it to myself. I only tell someone with whom I think can understand what asexuality is and means and doesn't judge me. I'm not sure if your father would understand, or even want to understand. You should do what you think is best because it is your life. Good luck and welcome to Aven!!! Cake!!

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There's no shame in not coming out. You don't have to come out if you don't want to, especially if you fear your safety.

Though my advice... if you really want to come out and you trust them and think that you will be safe, perhaps not blurt out the word "asexual". Instead, explain to them what it means to you and how you really feel. Like, "I just don't feel any sexual attraction" or "I just don't really desire partnered sex." That way, they can be exposed to the concept itself and you can see if they're open and accepting of that. Though, most people aren't too fond of hearing "labels", but in my opinion, I think it would be great if someone can just accept the concept alone and accept who you truly are even if they don't know there's a word for it.

Still though, you don't really have to follow my advice if you don't want to. If anything, do what you think is best.

Modly note: Moved thread from Asexual Q&A to Asexual Relationships.

SkyWorld

Asexual Q&A Moderator

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I wouldn't "come out" to my parents if I was financially dependent on them or dependent on them in any other way. I'd also make sure I was prepared and able to deal with and accept a negative response.

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Gotta second Pink; it's better to be independent in the event that you'll have to deal with a negative response. In the end, it's entirely up to you whether you want to put words to this and identify in front of your family. It's a private matter, you have no obligation to do so. I don't know much about the religious aspect, but if you're unsure about their capacity to deal with this then it's probably worth keeping it on the slow simmer. You could test the waters, try and make them aware of asexuality as a concept, with or without mentioning the labels. Might sound similar to celibacy, they should be able to understand that. Gauge their reactions and take it from there. And stay safe. Best of luck! :)

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Echoing what the others said.

IMO, the only person you have an ethical duty to come out to is a potential partner. To everyone else, it's optional - and in a situation where you'd have to worry about your safety and/or about financial hardship in case of coming out to people who could probably give you crap over it, there's absolutely no reason not to "err on the side of caution", and keep your orientation to yourself until you're in a safer and more independent position.

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Thank you for all your support and advice! 😊 I'm extremely glad to have found this place and know there are supportive people around me.

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