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Married to a sexual person: How do you cope?


anditwasyou

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Looking for advice from asexual people married to sexual partners.

Background: I'm a 23 year old asexual female, been in a relationship for 5 years and married for three. I've always felt like I was different when it came to sex, but I was able to be sexual before I was diagnosed with Schizoaffective/bipolar disorder. My doctor thinks that I was able to be sexual in the beginning of our relationship because I was experiencing mania (hypersexuality) at the time. Now I'm medicated and I don't go through hypersexual periods or mania anymore. I had problems with sex and didn't realize I was asexual even before I was on any medication.

I recently "came out" to my husband as asexual, but I think I'm also sex repulsed in general. I was sexually assaulted when I was 15 and I think that doesn't help my case either. At this point, sex is actually physically painful for me and gives me terrible anxiety. We have had issues with sex for a few years now, but it's gotten worse since I "came out".

My husband has been over all pretty ok about it after the initial freak-out and desperation, but its sad to see how frustrated he gets and I hate to feel that I'm depriving someone of something.

I was hoping to get some advice from other asexuals who are married to sexual partners. How do you cope? What are your solutions, what have you tried? What works and what doesn't?

I'm not capable of being in a polyamorous relationship (I'm the jealous type, i'll admit it) and to be honest, I don't want to compromise although I realize that I need to in order to keep my relationship. I'd really like some advice. Thanks guys!

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I'm not capable of being in a polyamorous relationship (I'm the jealous type, i'll admit it) and to be honest, I don't want to compromise although I realize that I need to in order to keep my relationship. I'd really like some advice. Thanks guys!

If you aren't willing to compromise on some sort of sexual activity, and you don't want to have an open relationship with your husband (assuming he wished to do so), that doesn't leave much advice for us to give you.

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I realize that...thats why I said I realize that I need to compromise. I'd still like to know how people cope with this, not just in my particular situation.

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Well, I was 6 years in a marriage with a very sexual guy before I even realized I wasn't really into sex at all and might have been asexual (I only came to think about that recently as I read an article that fell on my lap on facebook). And for the first 3 years I managed to compromise, but after that... I just created excuses as to why I didn't want to have sex.

My marriage ended as my ex-husband basically came to me and told me I would need to move out and that he wanted to separate.

Bottomline is, unless there's some way of compromising, I'm not sure there's much to be done. Basically I could no longer compromise for reasons I didn't even understand back then, and I couldn't go and tell him about what I felt because not even I knew. My relationship ended, and there was no other real way to save it either.

Granted, it didn't end only because of the sex, but it played a big part.

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You might find more conversations at the forum named For sexual partners, friends, and allies.

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I've been married to a sexual man for 10 years now. I didn't realize I was asexual until about 5 years in. We had sex a lot in the beginning of our marriage, but I attribute that to getting married at 19 and having this crazy idea of how things should go and what I had to do (you get married, a year or so later have a kid, buy a house, etc). After my husband and I had several conversations about what we actually wanted, my desire for sex almost disappeared. After a few years of faking enjoyment from sex I stumbled upon an article on asexuality and the rest is history.

Our compromise is that we have sex every so often and I initiate from time to time.

I cope by getting it done as quickly as possible and then I take some time to myself. Usually showering is involved. Lol.

I'm indifferent as far as sex goes, so our compromise isn't terrible for me. It's just messy and boring.

You will need to think long and hard about what you are willing to do, and then have that conversation with your husband. It's hard, but once it's over and boundaries are set, you should be good to go. :)

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Do not have sex if it's painful; that's damaging your vagina. You may not be aroused enough so your body isn't releasing enough lubrication (which then just add some to his parts beforehand) or you're clinching your vagina. I will agree that sexual assault don't help with others accepting your asexuality, but fact is it's unlikely the cause of it. Sadly, sexual assault is very common but a majority of them don't report it to the police, so it's perfectly possible that a naturally asexual person was coincidentally sexually assaulted.

Assuming your sex repulsion means you're not up for sexual compromise of any kind, you have three options in your situation:

1) he becomes ok with a sexless relationship

2) you have an open relationship or polyamorous relationship

3) you end what is not working due to a perfectly valid and extremely common problem

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