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Your asexual "lines" of the day...


Redkale

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PJammaGod

Younger brother spies a "hot" woman

Brother - I would tap that like the fist of an angry deity

Me - Your sex obsessed mind is God-awful

I flash a Joker'esque grin and dance away just before he punches me in the arm

Younger brother and I are watching some Youtube stuff

Brother - Milo Yiannopoulos is my get out of jail free card. Seriously that guy looks good

I'm glaring at the screen intently

Brother - Hey what's wrong, you don't agree?

Me - It's that tie, it's an asymmetric Kelvin. I want to reach through the screen and fix it. It should be a Full-Windsor!

-PJ, puns and fashion are his diet

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In Biology, learning about sexual cannibalism in spiders (there is another ace in the class and he's my friend):

Teacher: Evolutionary fitness is a measure of reproductive success. If you never have any kids, your evolutionary fitness is zero.

Me and other ace: *cracks up*

This isn't technically mine, but at the end of the class the other ace came up to me and said "Allosexuals, am I right?" Again, we both burst out laughing. We were the only ones in class not being awkward about the sexual cannibalism. I just didn't like the spiders.

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Morning Glory

In Biology, learning about sexual cannibalism in spiders (there is another ace in the class and he's my friend):

Teacher: Evolutionary fitness is a measure of reproductive success. If you never have any kids, your evolutionary fitness is zero.

Me and other ace: *cracks up*

This isn't technically mine, but at the end of the class the other ace came up to me and said "Allosexuals, am I right?" Again, we both burst out laughing. We were the only ones in class not being awkward about the sexual cannibalism. I just didn't like the spiders.

Lolz! I think I replied to this in another topic! 8D that's awesome though! Too funny! X3

Also just in case anyone wants to know: I replied to the other post with this:

qq3f6f.png

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In Biology, learning about sexual cannibalism in spiders (there is another ace in the class and he's my friend):

Teacher: Evolutionary fitness is a measure of reproductive success. If you never have any kids, your evolutionary fitness is zero.

Me and other ace: *cracks up*

This isn't technically mine, but at the end of the class the other ace came up to me and said "Allosexuals, am I right?" Again, we both burst out laughing. We were the only ones in class not being awkward about the sexual cannibalism. I just didn't like the spiders.

So at least some spiders have to deal with this?

24489743.jpg

As much as I like spiders for catching other insects, I'm going to feel weird about the next one I squish. I'll worry squishing it is just foreplay compared to the stuff that apparently happens in its spider bedroom...

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Skippy Squirrel

"I may be asexual but I'm not innocent."

- Me playing Cards Against Humanity with my co-workers

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AwesomeRavenpuff

Here's some posts from Tumblr that describe my experience to a T.

Heterosexual: Door swings one way

Homosexual: Door swings the other way

Bisexual: Door swings both ways

Pansexual: Revolving door

Demisexual: Door is locked

Asexual: Door is actually a wall

So, have you opened your door yet?

Actually, I don’t have a door. I have a wall.

Have you tried giving it a push?

A push? It’s a wall. Pushing on a wall won’t do anything.

I’m sure your door will open once you’ve found the right key.

Walls don’t have locks…

Although maybe you should call a locksmith just to make sure everything is, you know, okay.

Nothing you are saying makes any sense. It’s a WALL.

Maybe yours is actually a pull door. And it’s okay, you know, if your door opens the other way. I’m sure you’ll feel better once you admit it to yourself.

Do you not understand what a wall is?

Did your fingers get caught in the door when you were younger? Because you shouldn’t let a trauma like that stop you from opening your door now.

No my fingers did not get caught when I was younger because IT’S A WALL AND NOT A DOOR.

You know, I don’t mind helping you with your door ;)

… I’m just going to go over here now…with my wall… yeah…. RING OF INVISIBILITY ACTIVATE! *sticks up middle finger and pops out of existence*

Okay but like. Asexual forest nymphs.

Some dude: Asexual? So you're a plant?

Nymph: *daisies growing from her hair* Well yes but that's beside the point.

Someone: My main character can't be asexual/aromantic! That would be too boring!

Me: So what you're saying is that you're so bad at writing that you have to rely on romance and sex to make your story interesting for your readers? Because that's a little sad.

And then there's my ever favorite:

Wait, asexual, so you don't want a relationship?

Ummm...I do?

Then how can you be asexual?

Because I have no sexual attraction to anyone. Aromantic is lack of romantic attraction. You can be both, but I'm not.

Now you're just making stuff up.

-.-

Here's some posts from Tumblr that describe my experience to a T.

Heterosexual: Door swings one way

Homosexual: Door swings the other way

Bisexual: Door swings both ways

Pansexual: Revolving door

Demisexual: Door is locked

Asexual: Door is actually a wall

So, have you opened your door yet?

Actually, I don’t have a door. I have a wall.

Have you tried giving it a push?

A push? It’s a wall. Pushing on a wall won’t do anything.

I’m sure your door will open once you’ve found the right key.

Walls don’t have locks…

Although maybe you should call a locksmith just to make sure everything is, you know, okay.

Nothing you are saying makes any sense. It’s a WALL.

Maybe yours is actually a pull door. And it’s okay, you know, if your door opens the other way. I’m sure you’ll feel better once you admit it to yourself.

Do you not understand what a wall is?

Did your fingers get caught in the door when you were younger? Because you shouldn’t let a trauma like that stop you from opening your door now.

No my fingers did not get caught when I was younger because IT’S A WALL AND NOT A DOOR.

You know, I don’t mind helping you with your door ;)

… I’m just going to go over here now…with my wall… yeah…. RING OF INVISIBILITY ACTIVATE! *sticks up middle finger and pops out of existence*

Okay but like. Asexual forest nymphs.

Some dude: Asexual? So you're a plant?
Nymph: *daisies growing from her hair* Well yes but that's beside the point.

Someone: My main character can't be asexual/aromantic! That would be too boring!

Me: So what you're saying is that you're so bad at writing that you have to rely on romance and sex to make your story interesting for your readers? Because that's a little sad.

And then there's my ever favorite:

Wait, asexual, so you don't want a relationship?

Ummm...I do?

Then how can you be asexual?

Because I have no sexual attraction to anyone. Aromantic is lack of romantic attraction.

Now you're just making stuff up.

-.-

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  • 4 weeks later...
Morning Glory

These ones aren't really about asexuality but I feel that I must share them nonetheless:

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cause: Doritos

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snht02.jpg

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Last ones for today. It's actually a fanmade comic about a homosexual couple who somehow managed to have a daughter. (The original comic was more based off the game the characters were from and since the game was dark, so was the comic. The artist decided to try something sweet and funny for a change and the following was the result.) I feel like it can also be relatable for asexuals in a way though! ;3

293byat.jpg

nbyu4n.jpg

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The betrayed dog had me cracking up. Great stuff :D

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Forever Puppy

I work at CVS and I feel like some customers expect me to be everywhere at once. One day I was so exasperated and annoyed at work and my coworker (who knows I'm Ace) walked in and I go "I may be asexual, but I can't replicate myself!" That was by far the best end of a shift ever! I really hope some customers heard me, just for laughs!

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When you're with coworkers trying to explain something seriously...

And in the midst of the explanation everyone starts laughing hard... and you're like wtf did I say to make you guys crank up like that?

Here's me rewinding myself to 10 seconds back... and replaying what I said... I turn around and start banging my head on the wall...

People and their... dirty minds... *shrug*

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Dodecahedron314

This is courtesy of my friend who recently joined AVEN (hi Kara!)

Whenever we go to get milkshakes after ace club (because meetings coincide with discount shake day), she finds someone who hasn't heard the joke yet, holds up the stem of a cherry from the shake, and says, "You know how they say that someone who can tie a cherry stem in a knot with their tongue is a good kisser? Well, you know what I found out?" She then puts the cherry stem in her mouth, and the person waits, expecting her to tie it in a knot or something like that.

After a few minutes: "Cherry stems are edible."

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Not exactly recent but I figured I could share anyway. This was a few months ago, right after I came out to my mom. I had asked her if she was okay with me being a biromantic asexual. The conversation went really well. I don't really remember exactly how it progressed, but it ended with her asking me "So, we're okay? We're good? We're straight?" and without even thinking I blurted out "I'm not!" Yeah... She hit me with a pillow. I admit it was a pretty terrible joke (so terrible), but in my defense, she walked herself right into it.

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One time while eating dinner with my mom she was talking about my "future husband" and I blurted out "I'm not going to get a husband, I going to get a dragon!" I think she was a little surprised about how angry I sounded when she thought I was only making a joke.

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RoseGoesToYale

"Do you have a date for Friday?"

"No, but I'm saving some dried apricots for Saturday."

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