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General Confusion Mess


fluidmosaic

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Hi everyone! I've only recently come around to the idea that I might well be asexual, or somewhere on the spectrum at least, but I really haven't got my head round what that means, so I basically came here for a bit of advice.

I'm pretty sure I've never actually been sexually attracted to anyone outside of one isolated time around 2 years ago, which was towards someone I was extremely close to and in quite an intimate scenario. I've been aware that asexuals existed for years, and I've always assumed that I was sexual, but more and more I've been noticing people talking about attraction in a way that just doesn't fit with my experience, and I've sort of realised that lots of people just run into strangers and actually feel like they'd like to have sex with them? I've always sort of assumed that I would like to have sex with someone under the right conditions, and I think some people are prettier than other people, so I guess I assumed people were having the same experience as me, and that when they said they were attracted to someone it was like: that person is pretty, and I'm sure sex with them would be enjoyable. But the more I think about it the more I'm getting the impression that other people are experiencing something completely different, more akin to what I felt that one time 2 years ago.

The main thing which holds me back from identifying as asexual is this: I think I would really like to be in an intimate, sexual relationship. I think I would enjoy sex. But I'm not ever attracted to anyone, or I don't think I am, because I'm still pretty confused about how sexual people actually experience attraction? And I can't help feeling like I might be able to experience attraction if, again, I was extremely close to someone and in an intimate situation, but I don't have any idea how I would ever get to that point without first experiencing attraction, or at least without pretending to someone that I was attracted to them? And in the long run, I'd like to have children, and a long term relationship, but I don't have any idea how to get there when I'm not attracted to anyone?

Sorry for the messy, quite long post, but I don't really have a structure to my thoughts at the moment. Any help from more experienced people would be greatly appreciated!

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I define "asexuality" as "no desire for partnered sex." Other possible definitions are "an enduring lack of sexual desire for others" as well as "an enduring lack of sexual inclinations/feelings towards others." Basically, an "asexual" person isn't drawn towards sexual interaction with others. Beyond that, it varies from person to person, regardless of sexual orientation. Many people seem to inaccurately equate "asexuality" with things that have more to do with personality traits (such as introversion) or general interests and preferences (such as aversion to touch or dislike of kisses), which even "sexual" people can have and share (some "sexual" people don't like to hold hands or don't have "sex dreams" and so on). Ultimately, I think it's okay to be whatever sexuality we happen to be and I embrace any attitude that helps people love and accept themselves for who they are with whatever preferences they have and whatever lifestyle brings them happiness (as long as it's "Safe, Sane, and Consensual," of course). Also, not all "sexual" people see someone and immediately desire sex with that person at that moment. I know there are several "sexual" people on AVEN who can speak to that more.

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Since you mention that you want to have sex with someone who is extremely close to you, I think you might be demi-sexual.

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