My personal emotional journey

[cupid69]

Wow! This forum has really opened up my eyes!

Firstly, I am not an asexual person........quite the opposite in fact. From what I have read so far from other people's input, I am obviously not alone and that is some comfort, although fairly small as I have been married for over 30 years and have been searching for the reason as to why my wife and I have not been compatible when it come to the sexual nature of our relationship.

I was married at the age of 34 (she was 8 years younger) and thought everything was okay. We had met 5 years previously and whilst we didn't have a steaming hot sexual relationshipI thought that over time we could experiment and enrich our lives. She was never a touchy feely sort of woman but not all are so I accepted this. I did love her though and still do.

However, she was keen to start a family as soon as we were married but after a year of trying, nothing. Another four years of local fertility treatment followed ( anyone who has had this experience will know the difficulties, ups and downs, tears etc.) so when at last she finally conceived through IVF we were both overjoyed.

Meanwhile, in about year three of treatment, we decided to adopt as the fertility rate of conception was quite low. This was difficult enough as I was approaching 40 and the only way we could do it was through the Catholic Children's society (we live in the UK btw for those of you from the US and abroad). I didn't get married in a Catholic church ( my wife was a Christian but Church of England) so I had to have a years indoctrination back into the Catholic church. All of this adoption process and fertility treatment was very stressful for both of us but in late 1992 we were finally gifted our adopted child of 3 months of age. I was 41 by then and the energy I once had was now severely depleted.

In early 1993 my wife was offered fertility treatment in a London clinic. For the first time she became pregnant and a couple of months later was diagnosed as having twins (only two eggs are allowed to be in vitro). Joy of joys!

Joy came with a heavy price though as 6 months later one of the twins was diagnosed as not growing. At just over 7 months the twins were born by emergency caesarean section. One of the twins was born with severe disabilities, and now age 22 still has them. He can't sit, walk, talk and is deaf. For the first 2 months the twins were in intensive care, then the next two months we had to tube feed both children, 24/7. We also had to look after our first child. Difficult times indeed and very little help from our local authority. Time and energy was spent solely on trying to bring up the children, so little time for ourselves. We were both continuously exhausted. After 6 years we eventually had to give up our beloved child to be brought up by foster carers, ironic really as we were bringing up someone else's child!

Now, you may all be wondering why I am telling all these facts. Well, the background is important to me because it may have led me into a false sense of my wife's and my relationship. On the few occasions when we did have sex it was quick and somewhat mechanical, with months of celibacy in between. I felt she wanted no spiritual involvement and one time she even told me she was bored.

I couldn't see the point in trying anymore and sadly she didn't say anything. I naturally assumed that because of the difficult time she had getting pregnant and the end result, it had put her off sex altogether.

She wasn't interested in counselling either. So what options did I have? Either leave her and my family or stick with it and change the way I live. I chose the latter.

I chose the path of love and commitment that I made when we were married. I'm still not sure and probably never will be that I made the right decision but I do know that I have a stable family unit. Life has just got more difficult as my adopted son, now age 23, has just informed us that he is transgender! We still love him all the same but all I ever wanted was a normal family.

So, finding out about asexuality has made me think differently. My wife has a brother who I suspect is the same (unmarried, one serious failed relationship) in terms of his sexuality. He is not gay, just uninterested in women.

The subject of sex is not discussed in our household though and I feel very disappointed with this. I hope other people will try harder than I did in getting a better dialogue but I sort of feel let down somehow, even if it's nobody's fault. Perhaps it's our demanding society, who knows?

[MPC]

As someone who is just starting to accept what my marriage is it is good to hear that people have made it work long term.

[cupid69]

Hi MPC,

It's not been easy and the road ahead is still full of challenges. When you see your partner in the buff and your desire is still there it's very difficult to look the other way! The way I am managing is to imagine that I am blind and trying to figure other ways of doing things. Still goes against my instincts I my add.

People on this website talk about compromises in their partnerships. This kinda rings hollow with me as I feel that I am the only one making a compromise by masking my sexuality. Testosterone has a lot to answer for!

[MPC]

I hear ya. The last few days have been tough on me. I'm cranky, yelling at the kids when I shouldn't. I want my wife so badly, yet I can't have her. It hurts. I need to find a project or something, something to take my focus instead of this mess. I don't want to leave, I love the life I have with the exception of this. But I'll tell you, I am beginning to feel more and more like that is imminent. I can't imagine not having my kids in my life every day. I can't imagine not having my wife in my life everyday. But I also know that the way I'm feeling right now is not sustainable and not good for any of us.

[Chardog]

I'm glad you have stuck things out for better or worse. From the outside of things, I can appreciate the sacrifice that takes.

You said you only wanted to have a normal family after finding out your oldest is transgender.. Trust me, those of us who fall into gender/sexual minorities really wish that we could have the "normal" that others have. I wish I could be a part of somebody else's family, but it's unlikely due to who I am.. And I was over 30 with a lifetime of trying to fit the norm before I put the puzzle pieces together to understand what I was.

[cupid69]

It can be a hard road indeed, but stick with it if you can. I found that diversifying my life with projects, making new friends etc makes the loss of sexuality slightly less of a priority. It's like everything else in life, when you can't have it you want it more! It becomes less important as you age of course and this is where a good partner, one that you possibly chose for qualities other than sexual, come into focus. Long term-ism in a relationship, to me was my goal and now it makes sense. Believe me, I was sorely temped to leave many times and I was also sexually tempted by other persons of the opposite sex but my family was the most important, the love and togetherness I could give my children. Finding out my eldest was a transgender was another challenge altogether but you get through it. Just focus on love and that will get you through.