Wondering if my husband is asexual

[dotspot]

Hello, I am a gay male in my mid-40's, my husband is in his late-30's. We have been partnered since 1999 and got married this past spring.

I'm concerned that my husband may be asexual -- a term I've just learned about and am intrigued to learn more about too.

While I've always been *very* aware we've had extremely different sex drives, there are some clues that I think may indicate asexuality:

• We've never had sex as a married couple: not on our wedding night, not on our honeymoon, and not in the 8 months since we wed
• Before our wedding, I honestly don't recall the last time we had sex. Years earlier, for sure.
• Trying to get intimate with him in even the most basic "PG-13" ways leads nowhere -- it's like he doesn't want to be touched
• He once told me that he's too stressed and overextended with loans and jobs to even have sex or think about sex -- as though sex can wait until all of life's burdens are taken care of (which I take to mean 'never'). My reply was that I see sex just the opposite: one of life's great, free pleasures that can help alleviate the stresses of loans, jobs, etc.
• He has freely allowed me to be open sexually with others, but to my knowledge has never done so himself even though I have told him I want him to, so things are equally open. Talk of wanting him to be open with others always leads to a conversational dead end.

I'm starting to think we are simply incompatible sexually -- which isn't to say that I view ourselves as incompatible as a married couple, just that sex is one part of our relationship that doesn't happen to overlap. It's like our marriage is the "sex free" make and model.

Does this sound like he could be asexual? I know I need to discuss with him, but I am new to AVEN and to the concept of asexuality, and so am very interested to learn and understand it more from people who may identify with the above perspectives.

Thanks for reading, and for any comments, suggestions, or advice.

[Ace of Diamonds]

Hello! I'm a gay female in my twenties, and I'm married, too. I'm the asexual half of the relationship.

I'd say talk to him about your feelings. Ask him how he identifies sexually. A lot of people, even those who are ace, haven't actually heard of asexuality and may need some time to look into it and think about it on their own before deciding if they feel the label fits them. I know I did, haha.

Tell him, perhaps, that you're not asking because you want to judge or assess him, but so that you can understand each other better and find ways that you can both be happier with the sexual situation. :>