Never too late to figure out what you truly are?

[MissB]

Hello there!

Let me warn y'all. This will get long.

I am here to admit, I need some help. I'm confused and it's being a true issue lately, because it's terrifying me in many ways.

I always felt different from others. I never really tried to read more about things, I just believed there were three spectrums of sexuality: you were straight, you were gay, or you were bi.

Asexuality had never been something I was introduced to, and it wasn't until an article stumbled upon my lap by complete and utter chance (one of those Facebook 'you might like this' posts), that I had an eye-opening experience that sent me into more confusion than I hoped it would.

I suppose I should say that from a very young age, I never felt the need to date. Until I was around 15, I had absolutely NO desire to flirt, to kiss, to date, I liked my stories and I liked playing my instruments and writing books. Part of me, back then, believed I had to be a lesbian, also because of the fact that I always liked boyish things, I was a tomboy, and I preferred to do things that boys did. Later I figured out that I wasn't really a lesbian because I had no attraction to females, at all. I was also not really desiring to be a boy, I liked being a girl (I still do), I just didn't fit the stereotypes of girly girls that like playing with dolls (I loved cars and playing ball and stuff like that).

Ok, phew, one thing at a time. At fifteen, I started feeling attracted to boys, but the very thought of actually something happening terrified me. Also, with low self-esteem and having always been on the curvy side, my first thought was always that they didn't really want anything with me. Thus, I saw plenty of those boys I felt 'attracted' to slip away and be with my colleagues instead, and I just clammed up.

Grew up, a switch turned, I got more extroverted, friendly, people liked me, found me funny. Still, I was 19 and had never had a boyfriend, never dated, never kissed, and the fact that everyone expected me to made me terrified. I was 21 when I just decided to lose my virginity with a boyfriend I met for like 2 weeks after chatting for 6 months online because I didn't want that 'burden'. It was ok. It hurt like hell, but it was... ok. Can't say it was super amazing or anything, but I did feel desire, although I really didn't like the act itself, and felt like I had done something wrong.

That boyfriend was gone after 6 months (and turns out he just wanted a virginity trophy to his collection), and I would spend 7 years without anyone until I found my ex-husband. We met online, started as friends. We had a lot in common, we hit it well. I moved out of my country to live with him (he's from Italy), abandoned everything... but every single time, the sex felt like an obligation. HE was very sexual. For him, he'd have sex every day. At first, I thought it was just my self-esteem. It was a struggle for me to go through with it, but I did it, for his sake, because I loved him. But the only way I could actually feel any pleasure was when I helped out, and well, at first, I thought it was because he was clumsy.

First year was like this. Second, third, and I started creating more and more excuses to avoid sex with him. I didn't know that asexuality was a thing, or that there were so many spectrums to deal with. For so long, I didn't understand what could be going on with me. Of course, my relationship ended in a sour note with him telling me to move out, and I KNOW that it was greatly due to the fact that I didn't like the sex. I didn't want it, I thought it was a struggle, I didn't fully enjoy it. I didn't enjoy thinking of things that he might want me to do, and when I did it, I felt grossed out to the point that it was a struggle for me to even go through with it.

I thought there was something wrong with me. And considering my husband, he would have never truly understood even if I had figured out asexuality then. The results of our relationship would have been the same, but I'm over that and I'm healed from that heartbreak.

What really sums it up, things I found out about myself as I read more and more about asexuality and its spectrums:

- I actually feel like I want some things out of a relationship. I want to go home and cuddle with someone I really care about. I want to listen them talk to me about their day, I want to cook for them, I want them to hold me while we watch a movie. I want walks in the park, I want valentine's day gifts and I even want kisses (not French kisses. They gross me out, but pecks are ok, or kisses on the cheek, snuggles, that kind of thing).

- I figured out that I would be totally fine with that happening with a girl as well as a boy. I never had sexual experiences with women though.

- I want a family. I want kids, and I want to be a mother.

- I do not like the act of sex, but I do have a sexual drive. I feel attracted to people, I admire handsome / beautiful people. I am terrible at flirting (seriously), so that's not even a point, but I am capable of 'checking people out', as I put it. I'm unsure whether that's sexual attraction, because if I start imagining sex with that person, it grosses me out. Unless, of course, I'm fantasizing about said person, and there, I'm more than fine 'having sex' with them. In my imagination. For example: I have the hots for Henry Cavill. I could have sexual fantasies about him, but if he showed up at my doorstep wanting to have sex with me, I'd be grossed out. :D (I know, crazy, I know).

- I could be ok with having sex with someone I loved as long as they were very 'basic' things that required little effort from my part. There are things that really don't go well with me thinking of doing and some that I would be ok with. But the fact is, I could be without sex my entire life and it wouldn't make a difference.

Does that make me asexual? Does that make me grey-Asexual? I know I want the romance part of a relationship, that's for sure, but I'm not sure I can put up with the actual need for sex that most relationships seem to require.

And that TERRIFIES me. Because right now, in my ignorant (lack of information, knowledge and experience) views of this unknown world, I find it so impossible that anyone sexual would want to be in a romantic relationship with someone who would have sex with them like once a month because of this need to please them and not herself.

And that's the part that really terrifies me. Because I'm 37, and I really don't have in my plans to live my entire life alone.

So yes. I'm confused. I think I fit into the asexual category, but how do romantic asexuals actually manage to live a happy life? How do you even approach the subject with someone you might be falling in love with?

Sorry for the long, long post, but... things like these are rarely easy to deal with.

Cheers!

B.

[daveb]

Welcome and

That's right, it's never too late. I was over 50 by the time I even heard of asexuality and realized that label fit me. I hope you figure things out for you. There are couples that seem to have relationships that work for them. Couples where both are asexual and couples where one is and one isn't. I think it takes communication, trust, love (in the sense of really caring for the other person), and emotional maturity, to some degree or another. A sense of humor/play probably helps, too, and maybe some good luck. In other words, a lot of the same things that go into making a good relationship where both people are sexual.

Best wishes!

[Mocha Jo]

Wow. I am new here, too. At almost 59 (in 5 days) I am just starting to come to terms with everything you just wrote. I don't know if it is possible to have a partnership with anyone without sex. I have failed now at a marriage to a man (10 years, 2 kids) and a woman (16 years). I don't think that makes a difference as to why each relationship failed. I do think it was because sex was always a struggle and something that I did out of obligation and not because I wanted to. I wanted the partnership part- the coming home to someone, sitting next to someone, holding hands, going out to dinner, going on drives or vacations. That doesn't seem possible without paying for it with sex which just becomes more and more burdensome the longer the relationship.

[Frigid Pink]

Welcome to AVEN!

I define "asexuality" as "no desire for partnered sex." Other possible definitions are "an enduring lack of sexual desire for others" as well as "an enduring lack of sexual inclinations/feelings towards others." Basically, an "asexual" person isn't drawn towards sexual interaction with others. Beyond that, it varies from person to person, regardless of sexual orientation. Many people seem to inaccurately equate "asexuality" with things that have more to do with personality traits (such as introversion) or general interests and preferences (such as aversion to touch or dislike of kisses), which even "sexual" people can have and share (some "sexual" people don't like to hold hands or don't have "sex dreams" and so on). Ultimately, I think it's okay to be whatever sexuality we happen to be and I embrace any attitude that helps people love and accept themselves for who they are with whatever preferences they have and whatever lifestyle brings them happiness (as long as it's "Safe, Sane, and Consensual," of course).

As far as "dating" and romantic relationships go, I'd treat them like any other situation where there's romantic interest. I'd mention my (a)sexuality as soon as possible if I felt the desire to pursue a romantic interest further, especially before I made a serious commitment or emotional investment. Of note, I'd mention my (a)sexuality casually, as another piece of information to share about me, and wouldn't treat it as a "flaw" (because it isn't!) and generally wouldn't make a "big deal" out of it.

I stopped being afraid of whether someone would want to be with me or not once I shared this aspect of me when I stopped viewing this aspect of me as a "flaw" and when I also recognized that anyone who viewed my (a)sexuality as a "flaw" wouldn't be the best person for me romantically, anyway. I didn't make it into a "big deal" anymore in the sense that I treated it more as another piece of (neutral) information to share about myself when getting to know someone new in a romantic context vs. some hugely negative thing I need to disclose. If someone doesn't like that aspect of me, well, then, that's their problem and they're not the best person for me romantically (or otherwise).

Instead of thinking "they reject me," I now think "I reject them." I think of my own needs first and what would make me happiest (not putting others' needs before my own is something I've been working on for awhile now). I'm not waiting for someone to validate me or accept me despite my "flaws."

I met my current romantic partner through OKC (an online dating site) and I made connections with people on Acebook (an online dating site for "asexual" people) as well, therefore, I'd recommend these sites as another way to meet people.

It did take some time and many dates for me to meet my match so-to-speak (someone who reciprocates my interest and is also compatible with me), however, that's enough for it to be worth it to me. I'm okay with my experiences with these sites because I eventually got the outcome I wanted from them (a romantic partner).

I didn't and wouldn't let the fact that most people won't be compatible with me or that it's much harder to find someone compatible with me discourage me from still utilizing whatever resources are available to me to meet people who may be compatible with me (I wouldn't have met my current romantic partner otherwise!).

Regardless, I'd figure out what I think I want or need so much from a romantic partner in order to be happy and then I'd work on giving those things to myself and meeting those wants and needs on my own. If I really wanted a child (and didn't have a romantic partner), then I'd look into ways to make that happen without one (adoption/etc).

Ultimately, we're responsible for our own happiness and I wouldn't wait for certain (external) things to happen in order to be happy. I'd work on doing what I need to do (internally) in order to be happy now.

With that said, not all "sexual" people require sex (celibacy/etc), therefore, it really depends on the individual people involved, what type of relationship they want, and whether or not they're compatible sexually (and in other ways).

Also, there are "mixed" relationship "success stories" on AVEN. If someone isn't desperate or in search for someone to make them happy (since we're responsible for our own happiness), then they'll most likely be able to set and enforce boundaries that keep them out of relationships that don't work for them and are generally unhealthy (and mostly unhappy).

I know this was a bit lengthy, however, I hope what I've said is helpful to you in some way.

[MissB]

Yes, it was!

Thank you all for the responses. It makes me feel a little better to know that what I feel and the confusions I have aren't exclusively mine. Of course, now looking back in perspective, it all makes a lot of sense, including why I was perfectly happy with my relationship for 6 years while he saw growing problems in my lack of desire to actually have sex, which, together with financial issues that pushed the envelope and made him dump me, I just wish I had had a forewarning. Because that heartbreak (yes, I did love him, despite not wanting to have sex with him) damaged me in ways I've only recovered recently, thanks to the help of my family and good friends.

It's complicated, I know. I can't quite define why I actually find people attractive but am put off at the thought of sex with them. In my mind, until I found out all this information about asexuality, it was like... ok, I like looking at hot guys, I will turn my head at one if he passes me by, so there HAS to be some issue with me on why I really am put off at the thought of having sex with him. For a while, I thought I could be demisexual, but then, in perspective, if I were, I would have been ok having sex with my ex, because I did love him. And yet, I wasn't. I didn't like it, I was put off by it, and it all seemed like a chore.

I have hopes that one day I'll have a family. I still wanted to carry a baby myself, but I'm not getting any younger, so adoption is a consideration. But I also wouldn't want to live my life without a partner who to share it with and have someone there that I know loves me as I love him or her.

It's just complicated. And I figure I need to find a 'box' to fit myself in before I can be fully comfortable with this new thing, or maybe soon I'll realize that there's no need for such a thing.

I don't know. It's all confusing.

By the way, I'm on OKCupid. I had to put Bisexual as when I wrote that profile, I thought that it was exactly what I was. Maybe a biromantic demisexual, but nope... is there such a thing as putting 'asexual' in it? That, and the messages I receive there are either "hi" or "Hello" or guys who are obviously too interested in sex only and haven't put the thought about what I really want (it's in my profile). So I'm kind of disiluded by it right now.

That, and considering I have yet to find any guy (or girl) where I live that are attractive to me in personality at least, most people whose profile actually bring something to me are not from here, they're from abroad, and sexual people are very put off by long-distance relationships because they feel it would work. Though I'd pick up my things and move to be with my loved one in a heartbeat if I found the right person for me... but I guess I'm yet to find someone who would put the effort, and now I'm terrified that if I say "Hey, look, you're awesome, you're handsome (or beautiful) but I really don't feel like having sex so that's that...", my chances will drop to zero.

It's complicated, and I know I sound so pessimistic (I don't mean to, I swear)... but I'm sure these are doubts and concerns that everyone goes through when figuring out that you might not be the 'norm'... and yet wish to have a romantic relationship, form a family and have a companion to share a life with.

At least I hope so :D

[BrightCancer]

I have a question.....how do people who had sexual relationships, and even had sex and some even have kids and they still say they are asexual??? i don't get it...i always thought asexual is a person who never likes or want or has sex.

[Frigid Pink]

I have a question.....how do people who had sexual relationships, and even had sex and some even have kids and they still say they are asexual??? i don't get it...i always thought asexual is a person who never likes or want or has sex.

Because "asexuality" is about "no desire for partnered sex" and not about whether or not someone chooses to have partnered sex. It's also not about whether or not someone is capable of enjoying sex as "asexual" people tend to have body parts that work and are capable of orgasm and experiencing pleasurable physical sensations in the erogenous zones.

[BrightCancer]

I have a question.....how do people who had sexual relationships, and even had sex and some even have kids and they still say they are asexual??? i don't get it...i always thought asexual is a person who never likes or want or has sex.

Because "asexuality" is about "no desire for partnered sex" and not about whether or not someone chooses to have partnered sex. It's also not about whether or not someone is capable of enjoying sex as "asexual" people tend to have body parts that work and are capable of orgasm and experiencing pleasurable physical sensations in the erogenous zones.

maybe i was not clear, i mean how can one have sex without desire, and if they had sex so that means it was without desire???......isn't having no desire for sex even being healthy and have nothing wrong with you is what is called asexual? how can a person desire sex and still be asexual???

[Frigid Pink]

I have a question.....how do people who had sexual relationships, and even had sex and some even have kids and they still say they are asexual??? i don't get it...i always thought asexual is a person who never likes or want or has sex.

Because "asexuality" is about "no desire for partnered sex" and not about whether or not someone chooses to have partnered sex. It's also not about whether or not someone is capable of enjoying sex as "asexual" people tend to have body parts that work and are capable of orgasm and experiencing pleasurable physical sensations in the erogenous zones.

maybe i was not clear, i mean how can one have sex without desire, and if they had sex so that means it was without desire???......isn't having no desire for sex even being healthy and have nothing wrong with you is what is called asexual? how can a person desire sex and still be asexual???

Yes, someone can have partnered sex without a desire for it themselves (to please the other person and so on). If someone desires partnered sex (themselves), then that person wouldn't be "asexual." By the way, there are several "asexual" people on here in "mixed" relationships, some of which are sexless, and some of which aren't.

[Curious Decay]

People who have had sex and sexual relationships can still be asexual. The idea is not to desire it, that does not mean they never experimented in the past, or gave in to someone they loved/cared about to make them happy. Even if one does not want something, has no inkling or desire towards it, this does not mean they wouldn't be willing to do it. Think of it this way, you may not want to watch some sitcom on tv, it may be uninteresting, boring, etc. but if someone your with wants to watch it, you may give way and watch it with them out of respect or just wanting to please them or otherwise come to a compromise. Their are also some who may enjoy it but jut not have any libido or care towards doing it. In the end one can be ace, but that does not mean they are a virgin, or will never have sex in the future, it means they have no desire to have sex but this does not necessarily mean they are not willing to do so for one reason or another.

[BrightCancer]

People who have had sex and sexual relationships can still be asexual. The idea is not to desire it, that does not mean they never experimented in the past, or gave in to someone they loved/cared about to make them happy. Even if one does not want something, has no inkling or desire towards it, this does not mean they wouldn't be willing to do it. Think of it this way, you may not want to watch some sitcom on tv, it may be uninteresting, boring, etc. but if someone your with wants to watch it, you may give way and watch it with them out of respect or just wanting to please them or otherwise come to a compromise. Their are also some who may enjoy it but jut not have any libido or care towards doing it. In the end one can be ace, but that does not mean they are a virgin, or will never have sex in the future, it means they have no desire to have sex but this does not necessarily mean they are not willing to do so for one reason or another.

I get the part about that people can do things even without desire, but for me sex is something which i find is harsh and cruel to have without desire, it's making the person who is having it without desire unhappy, that means that your partner has no interest if you are happy with it or not, isn't that selfish???....also for me i can never ever have sex if i didn't have desire for it, and i would call it a rape without desire....because that is the only way one can make someone like me have sex and that is by raping them, otherwise there is no other way which will make me want it or even think about it.

[SkyWorld]

maybe i was not clear, i mean how can one have sex without desire, and if they had sex so that means it was without desire???......isn't having no desire for sex even being healthy and have nothing wrong with you is what is called asexual? how can a person desire sex and still be asexual???

I get the part about that people can do things even without desire, but for me sex is something which i find is harsh and cruel to have without desire, it's making the person who is having it without desire unhappy, that means that your partner has no interest if you are happy with it or not, isn't that selfish???....also for me i can never ever have sex if i didn't have desire for it, and i would call it a rape without desire....because that is the only way one can make someone like me have sex and that is by raping them, otherwise there is no other way which will make me want it or even think about it.

Desire for partnered sex that is. Some asexuals masturbate, which is considered sexual activity. Some asexuals happen to want children or just to satisfy their partners needs in compromise. They don't desire partnered sex, but just desire having children or fulfilling their partners needs. Like, say someone who doesn't like their partner's cooking... but they eat it anyways to make them happy. Hmm, not too sure how that analogy is. Anyways, if it's consensual then it would be okay. Not all asexuals feel the same way about sex. Some aren't sex-repulsed and some may be indifferent.

[MissB]

I can only speak for myself, and I can say that back when I was married, I didn't really know what I was or why I didn't really want sex, I just thought it was something temporary, or thanks to my self-esteem. At the beginning of our relationship, my ex-husband was all but patient and understanding but he was a sexual person. I felt it was my 'obligation' as a wife to give him that part of our relationship, even though to me it was a struggle and when it was over, I was happy that he was happy but I myself felt something was lacking. I didn't feel violated, because I loved him and thought there had to be a compromise, but I myself wasn't satisfied the way he was.

I only came to terms with asexuality being a thing by chance as an article on Facebook appeared on my dash by magic (maybe it was fate?).

That doesn't mean I don't have a sex drive, I do. I have a libido which works just fine, and I have no problem feeling pleasure. What happens is that I really don't want to actually go out there and find someone to have sex with, and the thought of it puts me off big time. I thought perhaps if I loved someone, that would change, but six years in a relationship where I loved my man proved me that there was no such thing.

From what I gathered reading stories and articles, asexuality isn't that black-and-white. There are many sides of it and many different experiences, and people might choose to have sex for several different reasons that aren't as harsh as being called 'rape.' Me, for example, if I ever find someone to share my life with and that understands that sex is NOT what I want from a relationship, I will still want to try and become pregnant, and it has to be done somehow. That is, if my partner is ok with it, we might need to have sex just for that. If not, we can find other ways.

Just an example. But if there's one thing I understood in these days I've been around this site is that there's no black or white situation when it comes to asexuality.

[daveb]

For me (and I think for quite a few "older" asexuals), we came to the idea of asexuality later in life. Before even knowing there is such a thing as asexuality I (we) tried to have partnered sex with people we loved (or didn't, as the case may be), because that's what I thought you're supposed to do. In other words, especially if you love someone romantically, you're supposed to want to have sex with them (according to everything we knew/were taught). In that case you try to go along and think that there's something wrong with you if it doesn't seem like it feels the same to you as it does to everyone else (as far as you know). This can go on for a long time if you don't know better. That's one of the reasons I think the Visibility and Education part of AVEN is so important!

(sorry for mixing up the grammar) :P

[Ace_Kat]

I'm sorry about what happened with your ex-husband. Some people can't/don't/won't understand their partners feelings because of their selfishness. When you were listing your points, it sounds like you could be gray-sexual, which means you develop sexual attraction to someone once you made a relationship with them (like you know them very well you trust them, ect). As long as you do not feel sexual attraction to someone (or you do once you develop a relationship with the partner), you fall under the asexual spectrum.

[MissB]

I'm sorry about what happened with your ex-husband. Some people can't/don't/won't understand their partners feelings because of their selfishness. When you were listing your points, it sounds like you could be gray-sexual, which means you develop sexual attraction to someone once you made a relationship with them (like you know them very well you trust them, ect). As long as you do not feel sexual attraction to someone (or you do once you develop a relationship with the partner), you fall under the asexual spectrum.

Nah, I don't think grey-sexual applies to me. I would NOT develop sexual attraction in a relationship, I would just be somewhat ok (but not really happy) to compromise if I were to be in a relationship with a sexual person if I loved them and wanted to make things work. I think there's a difference from actually wanting to have sex with the person you're in a relationship with or simply doing it to compromise and make them happy.

But then again, I wasn't ok compromising with my ex-husband for the last 2 years of our marriage (We must have had sex like 10 times in those 2 years if at all), and sometimes I just forced myself to do something to please him so he wouldn't bother for sex later on.

I want the romance part of a relationship, the intimacy that comes with sharing a bond with someone, but I don't think the sex actually matters at all. If at all... whenever we actually had sex, I was capable of having an orgasm (well, my body functions as it should) in certain situations (not all of it actually got me there), but after that, I was just glad it was over. And I dreaded every time he would ask me for it because I really didn't want to do it. And I loved him, and I had a relationship with him, and I was happy in our marriage.

So yeah I don't think I'm grey. Or demi. Because there was love, and there was a relationship, and while I actually felt aroused (not because of him, go figure), I didn't really want the sex. I mean, I feel attraction (as in, I can look at a handsome guy and say 'Damn, this guy's handsome' or appreciate their beauty), but the moment that I think of actually going towards the sex part, there's that switch that simply doesn't click.

[Ace_Kat]

I'm sorry about what happened with your ex-husband. Some people can't/don't/won't understand their partners feelings because of their selfishness. When you were listing your points, it sounds like you could be gray-sexual, which means you develop sexual attraction to someone once you made a relationship with them (like you know them very well you trust them, ect). As long as you do not feel sexual attraction to someone (or you do once you develop a relationship with the partner), you fall under the asexual spectrum.

Nah, I don't think grey-sexual applies to me. I would NOT develop sexual attraction in a relationship, I would just be somewhat ok (but not really happy) to compromise if I were to be in a relationship with a sexual person if I loved them and wanted to make things work. I think there's a difference from actually wanting to have sex with the person you're in a relationship with or simply doing it to compromise and make them happy.

But then again, I wasn't ok compromising with my ex-husband for the last 2 years of our marriage (We must have had sex like 10 times in those 2 years if at all), and sometimes I just forced myself to do something to please him so he wouldn't bother for sex later on.

I want the romance part of a relationship, the intimacy that comes with sharing a bond with someone, but I don't think the sex actually matters at all. If at all... whenever we actually had sex, I was capable of having an orgasm (well, my body functions as it should) in certain situations (not all of it actually got me there), but after that, I was just glad it was over. And I dreaded every time he would ask me for it because I really didn't want to do it. And I loved him, and I had a relationship with him, and I was happy in our marriage.

So yeah I don't think I'm grey. Or demi. Because there was love, and there was a relationship, and while I actually felt aroused (not because of him, go figure), I didn't really want the sex. I mean, I feel attraction (as in, I can look at a handsome guy and say 'Damn, this guy's handsome' or appreciate their beauty), but the moment that I think of actually going towards the sex part, there's that switch that simply doesn't click.

Ok, now that you explained it a bit better, it seems like you are asexual and romantic. Thank you for the clarification :)

You are a very good person for willing to compromise in the relationship. But, if they tell you "you must have sex with me whenever I want, that is what 'normal' couples do. " you should just leave them, you don't deserve that type of treatment.

[MissB]

Ok, now that you explained it a bit better, it seems like you are asexual and romantic. Thank you for the clarification :)

You are a very good person for willing to compromise in the relationship. But, if they tell you "you must have sex with me whenever I want, that is what 'normal' couples do. " you should just leave them, you don't deserve that type of treatment.

Well, to be fair, I had no idea what was "wrong" with me. So I compromised for like 4 years, and eventually the actual frequency of 'compromising' went down as I felt more and more repulsed by the idea that I had to actually go and do things that he thought was normal in a relationship (And let's be frank, unless you know and are aware that something is wrong with you, it is what's considered normal). I don't fault him for those years (he changed a lot in the last 2 years of our relationship but that's something else altogether).

He never really told me that, but he would insinuate, and well, he respected me when I said I didn't want to, or that I was tired, but while he was pretty assholish at the moment he told me, out of the blue, that he wanted the divorce without giving me any real reason why he wanted to do so, for like 5 years he had been a nice guy and rather patient. I was the one dragging things out and thinking it would eventually get better. I chalked it up to my overweight issues (I'm a size 18 now, I was a size 22 then), lack of self-esteem, but it boils down to something else, now that I figured out that asexuality might be a thing.

But I know for a fact that even if we continued married and I figured out this truth about myself, his response would be to ask for the divorce, because he was the kind of guy that wanted sex daily if I were up to (which I never was), compromised for less than that back when our relationship was good still, but I doubt he'd be ok if he figured out I wasn't doing it because I didn't want to. I guess I'd be willing to compromise, but my compromise would still not be good enough for someone like my ex-husband was. He wanted me to dare doing things that I didn't feel comfortable doing, some things that repulsed me, and for me, I just wanted to do the 'normal' things and be done with it. Granted, he didn't know (neither did I back then) and thought that if he supported me through it, that I'd get rid of whatever was blocking me. Turns out I never have, and I chalked it up to so many things because I simply had no idea.

It was complicated, and this is why I still wonder how a relationship between an asexual and a sexual person can work, but people say it can, and it has, so I'm trying not to lose hope. Because the odds of me meeting an asexual person closeby is close to none, and a lot of people can't deal with long-distance relationships (even asexuals, I've been noticing), even when one of the parts (that would be me) would be willing to relocate if they found the person they wanted to form a family with.

It's daunting. I'm trying not to get discouraged, I swear! :aven:

[binary suns]

personally, I find orientation labels to be a bunch of baloney. people are attracted to who they are in whatever way and it doesn't really matter. what do you want in a relationship? look for that. if you want sex that's ok if you don't that's ok if sometimes you do and sometimes you don't that's ok.

[012]

For me (and I think for quite a few "older" asexuals), we came to the idea of asexuality later in life. Before even knowing there is such a thing as asexuality I (we) tried to have partnered sex with people we loved (or didn't, as the case may be), because that's what I thought you're supposed to do. In other words, especially if you love someone romantically, you're supposed to want to have sex with them (according to everything we knew/were taught). In that case you try to go along and think that there's something wrong with you if it doesn't seem like it feels the same to you as it does to everyone else (as far as you know). This can go on for a long time if you don't know better. That's one of the reasons I think the Visibility and Education part of AVEN is so important!

(sorry for mixing up the grammar) :P

Yes, Yes, Yes x 1,000,000.

It wasn't *that long ago* that everyone was supposed to fit into the categories of hetero, homo or bi and that was it. No one even knew there was anything else. So even if you didn't feel exactly like others you just kind of went with flow and the things that had been pounded into your head by society your whole life even if you kind of knew in the back of your head that you were a bit different. And you do end up lying to yourself a bit.

It might be hard for some of the youngest people here to understand this but what daveb is saying is spot on.

[Mocha Jo]

I may just be still depressed about my recent divorce, but I am finding that I am mourning the possibility of a relationship in my life. Sex seems to be the coin you pay with in order to be in a relationship with someone. I would like to be optimistic, but I wouldn't even know how to go about forming an asexual relationship.

[daveb]

1st step. Find another asexual person you are compatible with

2nd step. Do whatever people do to form a sexual relationship, but leave out the sex.

(well, that's what I imagine the steps might be, in theory; I never knew how to do any of it regardless of sexuality) :P

[012]

I may just be still depressed about my recent divorce, but I am finding that I am mourning the possibility of a relationship in my life. Sex seems to be the coin you pay with in order to be in a relationship with someone. I would like to be optimistic, but I wouldn't even know how to go about forming an asexual relationship.

Cheer up, you'll be okay. :) It just might take you a little while to get used to your new situation.

[binary suns]

1st step. Find another asexual person you are compatible with

2nd step. Do whatever people do to form a sexual relationship, but leave out the sex.

(well, that's what I imagine the steps might be, in theory; I never knew how to do any of it regardless of sexuality) :P

TBH I have zero clues how either of these steps would look like :D

[daveb]

1st step. Find another asexual person you are compatible with

2nd step. Do whatever people do to form a sexual relationship, but leave out the sex.

(well, that's what I imagine the steps might be, in theory; I never knew how to do any of it regardless of sexuality) :P

TBH I have zero clues how either of these steps would look like :D

me, too

[MissB]

I may just be still depressed about my recent divorce, but I am finding that I am mourning the possibility of a relationship in my life. Sex seems to be the coin you pay with in order to be in a relationship with someone. I would like to be optimistic, but I wouldn't even know how to go about forming an asexual relationship.

This is exactly the same problem I have.

And yeah, I would not even know where to start. But I think I'm more and more inclined to just let life happen and see what it goes. I was never one to force things, but in this situation, even more so.

[Mocha Jo]

I am going to make myself be content to float along for the moment and re-learn to be by myself. And if that turns out to be the rest of my life, then I'm pretty OK with that. I will miss having a partner, though.