pebbles300315 Posted November 24, 2015 Share Posted November 24, 2015 I have been in a relationship with someone I met online. He is from a different country and we have seen eachother only once. When we met we had sex and he intitiated most of the time. After that when he left he told me he is now pretty sure he is asexual. We talked about it. He said he doesn't feel the need or urge to have sex and to him having sex is just like any other activity we could do so if I want to have sex I'd have to initiate it. Now, it took me a long time to wrap my head around this and I can sort of understand he's not exactly interested but he said he can do it anyway so that should be okay... But then this happened. I told him I loved him and he said he won't love me ever. He likes me but he doesn't think he would ever love me. He thinks he has reached the max he can feel, but he does like me. I asked him many times if he likes me as his gf or just a friend, he sometimes doubted himself. Is it possible to romantically like someone but not love them at some point? I asked him if it was a me problem but he said it would be the same with anyone else.. It's hard for me to underatand. I am sexual, tho maybe not as much as the others and me myself have a hard time acting on my sexual 'needs', but I have no clue how to deal with this. Is there a chance he could be aromantic asexual? He seems to have an emotional connection to me.. But i am not sure it is romantic.. Link to post Share on other sites
Telecaster68 Posted November 24, 2015 Share Posted November 24, 2015 Whatever you or he call it, do you actually want to be in some sort of relationship with him? Link to post Share on other sites
pebbles300315 Posted November 24, 2015 Author Share Posted November 24, 2015 Whatever you or he call it, do you actually want to be in some sort of relationship with him? Yes, I do. Link to post Share on other sites
Autumn Season Posted November 25, 2015 Share Posted November 25, 2015 He does sound aromantic, then again only he can know for sure. As far as I understand it, it is possible to love somebody platonically(=/= romantically) and see the partner as something "more" than a friend, even "more" than a best friend. It has got something to do with trust and commitment. Also, even aro aces (aromantic asexual people) can feel attraction. For example they can find people beautiful, they can want to cuddle, they can adore somebody's voice and so on. Link to post Share on other sites
pebbles300315 Posted November 25, 2015 Author Share Posted November 25, 2015 Well that's it. I don't think he knows very well. But then hw might know and he's afraid to tell me he is aromantic? I am confused. I think he's also confused. But i guess I'm mostly afraid to find out he was indeed right when he said he'll never love me.. I can cope with not having much sex but I don't think I can cope with not being loved.. Link to post Share on other sites
pebbles300315 Posted November 25, 2015 Author Share Posted November 25, 2015 He does sound aromantic, then again only he can know for sure. As far as I understand it, it is possible to love somebody platonically(=/= romantically) and see the partner as something "more" than a friend, even "more" than a best friend. It has got something to do with trust and commitment. Also, even aro aces (aromantic asexual people) can feel attraction. For example they can find people beautiful, they can want to cuddle, they can adore somebody's voice and so on. Well I asked him today if he is aromantic, he said and I quote ' I don't know, I don't think so'. Sigh. Link to post Share on other sites
Telecaster68 Posted November 25, 2015 Share Posted November 25, 2015 I have no real idea if my wife would be aro ace, but when I asked her how we were more than friends if we weren't having sex, she gave me the example that if I had to move somewhere else for work, she'd move with me, which she wouldn't do for anyone else. Seemed a good way of putting it to me. Link to post Share on other sites
pebbles300315 Posted November 26, 2015 Author Share Posted November 26, 2015 I have no real idea if my wife would be aro ace, but when I asked her how we were more than friends if we weren't having sex, she gave me the example that if I had to move somewhere else for work, she'd move with me, which she wouldn't do for anyone else. Seemed a good way of putting it to me. So she has never told you she loved you? Link to post Share on other sites
Telecaster68 Posted November 26, 2015 Share Posted November 26, 2015 Of course she has, but my friends love me too. Link to post Share on other sites
Snao Cone Posted November 26, 2015 Share Posted November 26, 2015 "Love" can mean really different things to people. He just might not be the kind of person to feel the butterflies or get naturally intoxicated in some magnificent poetic way. But he could still value you over everyone else. He could still really want to be in a relationship with you because of how he feels about you and around you. I have never felt okay using "love" to describe my feelings towards people, but I still have special relationships that I value more than others for deeply personal reasons. In my case they're not romantic feelings, but I can see how someone might still feel romantic attachment and not feel "love" Link to post Share on other sites
pebbles300315 Posted November 26, 2015 Author Share Posted November 26, 2015 "Love" can mean really different things to people. He just might not be the kind of person to feel the butterflies or get naturally intoxicated in some magnificent poetic way. But he could still value you over everyone else. He could still really want to be in a relationship with you because of how he feels about you and around you. I have never felt okay using "love" to describe my feelings towards people, but I still have special relationships that I value more than others for deeply personal reasons. In my case they're not romantic feelings, but I can see how someone might still feel romantic attachment and not feel "love" Well, I know he values our relationship more than his other relationships, and I know this could be enough for some people, but I also value my relationship with my best friend over the relationships with my other friends, does not mean I love her romantically. I personally can't see how you can like someone romantically but not love them. I guess it's okay in the beginning of the relationship, when it's all new, but after a while if you still don't love that person although you should be perfectly capable of having romantic feelings, then I think there is a problem. Before meeting me he has never thought he could like someone the way he likes me, so when he told me he doesn't think he could ever love me (or anyone) I had two thoughts. One I kept for myself the other one I told him. I told him that he might feel this way now but change it in the future and I am willing to wait and see what happens (because I had ulterior example-him not believing he can like someone and then start liking me in time..) and the second one was : well, I might just not be the one for him. The fact that he can't figure it out himself also scares me. When I asked him if he likes me romantically or just as a friend, at first he said he liked me romantically, then he said he doesn't know anymore (because he doesn't feel the butterflies and that's when I told him that's not exactly all there is to liking someone) and then he said he does like me. Now I asked him if he is aromantic he said 'I don't know, I don't think so' but how can one be aromantic when they have romantic feelings for someone? So in theory he shouldn't even need to think or say 'i dont know' or ' i don't think so'. I don't think so it's not an absolute certainty, so the idea he's aromantic but prefers me over anyone else kinda scares me. While I guess that's the most he can offer so I should be okay with it, I also think I desere to be loved. But I also don't think I can ever give up on him.. even if it leads to my being sad a lot of the time. I love him a lot, and I want to spend the rest of my life with him, but while he says he does too he never 'plans' (the silly plans we make tho we know they might never happen but we still like to) with me about our possible future, and it kinda hurts a bit. I don't know anymore.. all I wanted was him to love me and for us to have a perfectly normal relationship. I still want that... :( Link to post Share on other sites
Autumn Season Posted November 26, 2015 Share Posted November 26, 2015 Hm. More important then "does he love you romantically" is "does he make you feel loved". And if you feel like this relationship will make you unhappy, then... well, maybe HE is not for YOU. Link to post Share on other sites
pebbles300315 Posted November 26, 2015 Author Share Posted November 26, 2015 Hm. More important then "does he love you romantically" is "does he make you feel loved". And if you feel like this relationship will make you unhappy, then... well, maybe HE is not for YOU. I'm not sure. I mean, most of the times I feel happy. Then I remember I don't know anything for sure and I can't assume he does like me that way. And that's when I get sad. I think that if I just knew once and for all how he truly feels for me and he would be 100% sure that's what it is, it would improve the way I feel too. Link to post Share on other sites
banana monkey Posted December 4, 2015 Share Posted December 4, 2015 I think i want to write here because it sounds like your boyfriend and I might be similar, you say you want some sort of relationship with him but delving deeper it seems you may specifically you only want to be in a relationship with someone who reciprocates romantic love (so a mixed romantic relationship would not be for you) and therefore you may not be able to be in a relationship with him if he cant reciprocate romantic love. I can tell you it is very possible to know that you like some one but not know how you like them or know that you love them but not how you love them. I was exactly the same with my ex. I knew liked him and that it was probably romantically liking him. I'm still slightly unsure what it was, but it was definately a strong emotional connection and at that point I would say he was the most important person to me in my life and very special to me. I loved him, but by the end of the relationship I knew it probably wasnt romantic love. However, it was definately different to loving friends (i personally would not say I loved my friends or they loved me) the best way I can describe it was like a brother or how I would imagine brotherly love should be, (but i knew it was slightly different to that because it was different to what i feel for my family but I have a somewhat strange relationship with them). It took me ages (like years) to realise I liked him more than a friend, I only ever told him I loved him once which was in the euphoric phase and more casual like people sometimes say when saying goodbye to one's friends. I sort of regretted it later. We broke up because we wanted different things from life/ a relationship, but I would have been quite happy with a committed alterous relationship. He may feel alterous love for you but not romantic love and so still want to be with you and have a committed partnership with you because he loves you alterously, but only he can figure out how he loves you with time and experimentation. Not everyone who wants a committed partnership/relationship feels romantic love, some people who feel alterous love but not romantic attraction are happy in a romantic relationship and participating in romantic behaviours as a way of demonstrating whatever love they do feel even though it may not be romantic. You may have to decide if you can cope with him feeling committed love for you which is not romantic (such as alterous love) or if you need romantic love reciporcated. As has already been said, if that is the case, then he may not be the right person for you and you may have to consider whether you are able to stay in the relationship. (obviously, i dont fully know your situation and that is your decision) Link to post Share on other sites
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