Dealing with anger/regret over past sexual experiences

[KaijuPanda]

[NSFW]

I didn't know whether to put this in Q & A or here, but since it's at least part ranting, here it is!

I'm one of those who didn't realize I was asexual for a long time. I was in sexual relationships for 15 years (20-35). I'm in one now, actually. And none of them were all that pleasant, at least, sex-wise, until my current partner, who was the first to actually listen to me and start very slowly from the beginning to try and teach/usher me into sexuality (he didn't know about asexuality either, obviously). He gave me my first orgasm and was the first to put my enjoyment and comfort above his own.

Anyhow, a few months after realizing I am super ace and always have been, I've had a LOT of anger bubble up. Anger at myself, for being so oblivious for soooo long (I even heard about asexuality a few years ago and just didn't realize it applied to me). Also anger at some specific people I've dated, especially the man with whom I first had sex. He would have been a bad first for many people, but for me, he really messed me up. He didn't know how to ease into anything, didn't know or didn't care enough about the female body to try and help me enjoy things more (or at all). Didn't once give me oral sex (which, interestingly, is one of the only things I enjoy now). He was completely anti-lube, and told me oral sex (just for him, mind) was a deal breaker - aka, do it or he'd leave me. And if you can believe it, I was with him for a year and a half. And then I continued to have sexual relationships because that's what normal people do. So that's a LOT of bad, boring, uncomfortable, gross, or downright painful sex I didn't want. A lot of sex I regret. And, frankly, I'm starting to think a lot of coerced rape (at least with dude #1), which is really messing with me head.

So I'm finding that this anger and regret has completely turned me off of sex with my current partner, whereas before this all this I would say I was sex-neutral and occasionally enthusiastic, which my partner and I could work with. But I've gotten more and more resentful of having to have sex at all. And yes, in a perfect world I'd probably never have sex again. But what I realistically want is to get through this anger and resentment, none of which is actually pointed at my current, wonderful partner, and be able to be sexual with him without feeling horrible about it. We've had good times, I've wanted to have sex with him, and have enjoyed pleasing him and getting that in return. But I don't know how to get back there. Has anyone had a similar experience and worked through it?

[oldgeeza]

Although I've never experienced that, or long term relationships, I'm going to suggest that if you haven't already done so, if this is affecting your relationship, please discuss this with your partner as it seems that you have a lot of respect for them, you don't want to lose them due to your secrecy, then I would suggest seeking some form of counselling, my reason for these suggestions is due to the fact that in all my previous relationships, my partners hid things from me, usually their husbands or partners, when I found out, it was very hurtful, in times like this, you need all the support & backup you can get, having your partner on side is going to be a big bonus for you in helping you combat your anger & resentment.

Good luck

[KaijuPanda]

Thank you, oldgeeza. You're definitely right about secrets and keeping things back. I actually brought it up just the other day - he'd noticed that the dynamic over the past couple months had changed and asked about it. But there's a lot more to talk through, and I tend to bring something up once (if at all) then bury it, which isn't fair or helpful to either one of us. He is very supportive, I'm lucky

[Ms.Frankenstein]

I don't have any advice but I could have written much of this. I regret a lot of my past experience too and whish I had known sooner.

[nanogretchen4]

Talking to your partner was a really important step. I think you should avoid having sex with your partner at any time when you are feeling really upset about your past experiences. It's the same logic as not eating your favorite foods while you're nauseated. You should avoid creating bad associations with something you want to enjoy in the future.

When I feel that I've made a bad choice in the past, I try to think about the incident in a way that makes me feel stronger. Since I have no control over the actions of other people, dwelling too much on anger at others doesn't help me move forward. I try to place my focus on my own choices, but not to feel guilt or regret. Instead I try to understand why I made the choice I did. Then I think, okay, here's the choice I made, and these were the results. Here is what I learned from this, and here's a more promising strategy I will try in the future.

Obviously, if you were raped that wasn't a result of choices you made. I would recommend counseling or a support group to help you deal with that. If something bad happened to me that I had no control over, I still try to frame it in a way that makes me feel stronger. Basically I focus on the fact that I survived it and think about the coping skills I learned as a result.

All of this is easier said than done and it takes some time to work through your feelings and start thinking about the past with a little detachment. I hope things get better for you soon.

[Keumi]

I wish I had some advice! I've found myself in a somewhat similar position. I've only done sexual things with my current (and first) boyfriend, but I sometimes regret it. As much as I care for my boyfriend, I regret not knowing before we got together. I'd rather be in a sexless relationship. I've told him I'm sex neutral and ok with doing it, but I'm becoming less and less okay with it. I completely understand when you say you're getting more and more resentful! He said he'd masturbate to satisfy all of his urges if that's what it came down to for us to stay together, but I feel guilty at the thought of that. I can't say I've ever actually wanted to have sex, and I don't enjoy it so I don't relate in that sense, but I want to get back to being okay about doing it because I want to make him happy.

Best thing I can say is to talk to him about it. Make sure he knows how you feel about it all because communication really important to making things work, at least in my experience with my boyfriend. I'm happy that you also seem to have a supportive boyfriend! I hope you can work through things!

[Ace of Diamonds]

I can definitely understand the belated anger. It's like... at the time, you didn't really know that you should be angry, you know?

[NSFW Content Below]

I never actually had sex before I got together with the wonderful person I eventually married, but when I was about twelve I was molested several times by my boyfriend. He was thirteen and bullied me into sexual situations. I didn't know it was possible to say no; I assumed by being in a relationship, there was permanent implicit permission (which is super untrue and needs to be taught in schools!).

He touched me (waist-up only, thankfully) and also did things like give me hickeys, often in the presence of our other (also twelve-ish) friends or while I was trying to do other things. He said gross things to me when he touched me, like, "Do you like that?", which to this day (12+ years later), still makes me feel angry and upset. :/

I was just uncomfortable at the time and escaped by giving non-committal answers to his questions, but as an adult, I'm angry that he did this stuff to me.

I can only imagine how it must feel to have been forced into more than just touching. I'm so sorry. All I can say from my perspective as a person who suffered less than you did is that we just... have to push forward, basically. It's okay to be angry, especially if you know the person isn't/still wouldn't be sorry for what they'd done to you. Better things are coming to you.

Talk to your current partner about your negative feelings. I've found that working up slowly to things I had bad feelings about (like neck-kissing) helped me a lot. In my case, the gross kid just went for it and it was a really vile and pushy experience. My wife didn't just go straight to it, though. She spent weeks just building up to it a little at a time, touching my skin softly and stuff like that, and then getting closer to kissing. She started soft and once I'd begun associating the idea with her instead of him, she began to do more.

Maybe something similar can work for you? Start from the ground up. Go really slowly. Make sure you feel like you have agency in what's happening and that everything is comfortable. Stop when you feel upset. Keep working at the same level until you're totally comfortable before trying to advance things.

Good luck to you and lots of hugs.

[UncommonNonsense]

I can absolutely relate to this.

All of my sexual experiences before I realized I was ace (and became aware that not desiring/refusing sex was fine... because of that 'implicit permission' concept within relationships, I didn't think it was permissible to say no.. or more to the point, the relationship would only last if I let sex happen even when I really didn't want it) were coerced experiences that would be considered a type of rape today, Some of these were 20 years ago though, and the attitudes have changed since then. There were three of these situations, and the last one was the absolute worst.

In addition to this, I too was molested at a very early age (4, by an uncle - now an ex-uncle). And 5 years ago, my front door was kicked in at 2:30am and the intruder attempted to rape me. I managed to fight him off, injure him, and chase him from my home. He didn't get the chance to rape me, but there was sexual assault,

as he tore up my nightshirt and pushed his filthy hand between my legs and roughly fondled my genitals and pushed his fingers up inside my vagina

. I was actively trying to fight him off during this process, so that repulsive intrusion didn't last long chronologically.. but in the moment of it happening, it felt like it was lasting hours. He tried restraining me, and I nearly ripped his ear off with my teeth. When he tried to muffle my yelling with his hand, I bit his hand so hard I felt my teeth scrape bone. I kicked and kneed him repeatedly in the crotch, and pulled out fistfuls of his hair, complete with chunks of scalp. I chased him, bleeding, out of the house. I cannot fault the local police. They went after him with everything they had, including tracking dogs and helicopters. But unfortunately, he was never caught, and I have dealt with a certain amount of anxiety because he's still out there somewhere. Hopefully I threw enough of a scare into him that he'll never try it again, but given how strong that drive seems to be, I doubt it. I suspect that I may have a certain amount of PTSD now, since I deal with intrusive thoughts, recurrent nightmares, anxiety, and depression.

After this, I have tried to date, but the first guy I dated began with sexual talk on the second date. I let him know I didn't like that, but did agree to another date... but that went even worse. The sexual talk began within the first 10 minutes. I told him that I was completely uninterested in sex, that the sexual talk and sexual obsession he displayed were off-putting to me, and that I would likely never agree to have sex with him. He ended the date right there, calling me a few of the familiar nasty names that ace women all too often get called... 'bitch', 'frigid', 'freak'. Oddly enough, for the next few days he called me trying to get me to take him back. I told him to go jump off a cliff.

The second guy I tried to date seemed quite comfortable moving as slowly as I did. Until I 'came out'. I told him that even though I was ace, I still wanted to create an intense, close, loving, exclusive platonic relationship that included all of the partner-relationship things except sex. While he was fine with moving slowly towards sex before, the idea that we'd never reach that destination was too much for him, and he too got nasty about it. I told him to go pound sand. Handed him the keys to the street. After that, I just quit dating. No point.

I have a very complicated attitude towards dating and sex now. I know I don't want sex. As far as I know, I never will want sex. And when a potential partner pushes for sex, it actually makes me feel cornered, afraid, anxious, and even angry. It bothers me that I'm supposedly not good enough as I am, that my love isn't worth as much, simply because I don't do sex. As I see it, if you love someone, you love them for them, not for what you can push them into. The fact that sex seems like such a huge motivating factor is dismaying. And when a potential partner continually mentions, talks about, nags about sex? That turns me off completely and I'll drop that creep so fast his head spins. I actually find pushy/naggy/won't take no for an answer/sex obsessed guys disgusting. It grosses me out and annoys me that they're allowing a base urge to dominate their lives to the extent that they can't stop even when they know other people find it ugly and distasteful.

Before these experiences, I considered myself personally sex-repulsed and socially sex-neutral. I didn't care what other people did, as long as I never had to take part in sex or see/hear others engaging in it. It didn't even bother me much when a guy I was dating made sexual comments, as long as I could change the subject easily and it didn't happen often. Now, I consider myself intensely sex-repulsed and socially sex-negative. While I still don't care what others do as long as I don't have to engage in it or see/hear it, I am intensely bothered when the person I'm with makes sexual remarks, pushes for sex, etc.

With all this going on, I just stopped dating. I don't miss it. There was so much stress involved in dating. And the older I get, the more aromantic I seem to be.

I think I'm lucky that I didn't end up in a relationship with someone who is sexually oriented. It could have easily happened, since I didn't have the vocabulary to define this part of myself until my mid-20's. I couldn't give a partner sex without feeling horrible, violated, nauseous, and in a panic. And that would really kill the relationship.

If there ever comes a time when I end up in a relationship (doubtful, since I'm not seeking it out), I will likely seek help for the PTSD-ish stuff, my increasing repulsion, and my complicated views on sex.... but for now, I'm inclined to leave it be.

[KaijuPanda]

I can definitely understand the belated anger. It's like... at the time, you didn't really know that you should be angry, you know?

[NSFW Content Below]

I never actually had sex before I got together with the wonderful person I eventually married, but when I was about twelve I was molested several times by my boyfriend. He was thirteen and bullied me into sexual situations. I didn't know it was possible to say no; I assumed by being in a relationship, there was permanent implicit permission (which is super untrue and needs to be taught in schools!).

He touched me (waist-up only, thankfully) and also did things like give me hickeys, often in the presence of our other (also twelve-ish) friends or while I was trying to do other things. He said gross things to me when he touched me, like, "Do you like that?", which to this day (12+ years later), still makes me feel angry and upset. :/

I was just uncomfortable at the time and escaped by giving non-committal answers to his questions, but as an adult, I'm angry that he did this stuff to me.

I can only imagine how it must feel to have been forced into more than just touching. I'm so sorry. All I can say from my perspective as a person who suffered less than you did is that we just... have to push forward, basically. It's okay to be angry, especially if you know the person isn't/still wouldn't be sorry for what they'd done to you. Better things are coming to you.

Talk to your current partner about your negative feelings. I've found that working up slowly to things I had bad feelings about (like neck-kissing) helped me a lot. In my case, the gross kid just went for it and it was a really vile and pushy experience. My wife didn't just go straight to it, though. She spent weeks just building up to it a little at a time, touching my skin softly and stuff like that, and then getting closer to kissing. She started soft and once I'd begun associating the idea with her instead of him, she began to do more.

Maybe something similar can work for you? Start from the ground up. Go really slowly. Make sure you feel like you have agency in what's happening and that everything is comfortable. Stop when you feel upset. Keep working at the same level until you're totally comfortable before trying to advance things.

Good luck to you and lots of hugs.

Thank you so much!

I'm so glad people are talking about consent so much more. I think coerced or "implied consent" sex is SO common, among all orientations, and I'm sure most of the time the one pushing isn't really aware that what they're doing is wrong. But your comments made me wonder what he would think, now. And I think he is one of those who was just oblivious. It was never really aggressive, he just definitely had that viewpoint that so many do that you are entitled to sex in a relationship. But knowing (or believing really hard!) that he wasn't doing any of this maliciously makes it easier to move on. I can direct some of the anger towards how men are raised in our culture, and just hope that he's evolved and treated his future partners better.

Your advice about starting slow is totally spot on. When I got together with my current partner I was such a mess in regards to sex. I could barely handle it without crying (exhibit #246 why I'm also angry at myself for being so oblivious). But he really wanted to be with me, so he started from zero (touching and kissing with clothes on) and we moved really slowly from there. It definitely made it so I was okay with and sometimes actively enjoy or initiate sex. I think it's a good way to reestablish things, and also find boundaries.

Thanks again :)

[KaijuPanda]

I can absolutely relate to this.

Thank you so much for sharing all this. It really means a lot and is comforting to know, finally, that other people out there can relate to these experiences and feelings. I'm so sorry you had to go through all that :( I certainly wouldn't be keen to date, either. It sounds like you're really aware of your needs and boundaries though, which is great. That's definitely something I'm working on.