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Ace/aro or not?


ameliaspace

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Hello friends!

So a few weeks ago I discovered the term "graysexual" and I immediately had a feeling that this is what I might identify as. A few days ago I had a breakthrough of some sort, basically I realized that I'm pretty sure I'm grey-asexual, which was probably one of the biggest discoveries of my life. The more I read about it, the more things start making SO much sense to me when I think about any of my past experiences or my reactions/thoughts I've had or have.

I'm pretty sure I've never felt sexual attraction towards anyone OR if I have it was probably so weak that I didn't even realize what happened. Still, I never thought of myself as a "100% asexual" person (if you can even say that) because I definitely am interested in sexual relationships regardless of the fact that I haven't felt sexual attraction towards anyone so far (I'm 21 now). I feel like I would maybe need romantic attraction first for that to happen, but due to my lack of experience I feel more comfortable calling myself grey-asexual than demisexual because that would make me feel like it's "written in stone" when in reality I have no idea what the hell is actually going on.

My other "problem" is that I can't quite decide whether I am alloromantic or gray-romantic, because I have had a crush once in my life, although it was only a "child chrush" at a young age, (I don't know if it would've been accompanied by sexual attraction if I was a few years older). I don't really experience sexual frustration; romantic frustration, however, is something I feel quite often and it can make me feel pretty miserable and lonely. I'm definitely interested in a romantic relationship, but since I literally haven't had a crush or any sort of romantic feelings for anyone in more than 10 years I just can't decide where I belong romantic orientation-wise, although gray-heteroromantic sounds the most "comfortable" to me. I like to think that just because I haven't had much experience with these kinds of feelings, that doesn't mean I never will (and I REALLY HOPE it doesn't mean that - that is a pretty strong indicator to me that I'm not "completely" asexual or "completely" aromantic). I don't know if that's something asexual/aromantic people feel or not, but for me the thought of never being able to feel love or want towards someone makes me pretty sad and I feel like my life wouldn't be complete without being in a romantic/sexual relationship with someone (and not because of social pressure, but that's just how I feel as a person)

Sorry for the long post, I'm a little confused at the moment but I'm really happy nonetheless that I found this out about myself and that I found this website because for the first time in my life I do not feel alienated and like a complete outcast.

Any thoughts would be helpful and appreciated. Hope you don't mind I put this all into the asexuality q&a section, I just didn't feel like separating it into 2-3 different topics.

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Demisexual doesn't mean you need to have romantic attraction first (unless you're demiromantic; then that would entail a bond which could trigger both), it means you desire sex after an emotional bond (which could be platonic). Asexuals do not desire sex. Gray-sexual is more accurate for you than Gray-asexual, but sexual people desire sex for different reasons and not just sexual attraction, so you just sound like a normal sexual person. If you really want a title for it, it's called Cupiosexual, but unlike what people say, it is not a type of asexual; they desire sex and asexuals do not. A childhood crush is a bit inconclusive (unless you actually remember how you felt); children can take on influence and misinterpret things or convince themselves they have a crush. Older people can psych themselves up too. But if it is a conclusive crush then them being rare falls under Gray-romantic/Gray-aromantic (depending on which side you feel you fall more toward). You can still feel love without a romantic relationship; platonic love can be just as strong as romantic love. Aromantics and Gray-aromantics can be satisfied with friends, close friends, best friends, or a queerplatonic relationship.

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I get where you're coming from. I'm 20 years old and I've never felt any strong sexual attraction. I'm not sure whether or not my feelings would change if I had a strong emotional connection with someone so that's still up in the air. I kind of feel like I want to be demisexual because I think it would be easier for me to have a romantic relationship if I was able to feel sexual attraction. I think it's best not to worry too much about what could happen in the future and instead focus on what your wants and needs are in the present. Good luck. :cake:

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nerdperson777

Well, regardless of whether one is asexual, they can be sex-positive, neutral, or negative. And asexuals can desire sex for other reasons, as Star Bit said, are cupiosexuals. They don't have the attraction, which still makes them asexual, but they desire a sexual relationship for other reasons, whether it be because the actions are considered romantic or sensual to them.

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And asexuals can desire sex for other reasons, as Star Bit said, are cupiosexuals. They don't have the attraction, which still makes them asexual, but they desire a sexual relationship for other reasons, whether it be because the actions are considered romantic or sensual to them.

No, i said Cupiosexuals are NOT asexual, they are normal sexual people. Asexuals cannot desire sex.

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And asexuals can desire sex for other reasons, as Star Bit said, are cupiosexuals. They don't have the attraction, which still makes them asexual, but they desire a sexual relationship for other reasons, whether it be because the actions are considered romantic or sensual to them.

No, i said Cupiosexuals are NOT asexual, they are normal sexual people. Asexuals cannot desire sex.

Are we just arguing over definitions now? What's the use of this?

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Demisexual doesn't mean you need to have romantic attraction first (unless you're demiromantic), it means you desire sex after an emotional bond (which could be platonic). Asexuals do not desire sex. Gray-sexual is more accurate for you than Gray-asexual, but sexual people desire sex for different reasons and not just sexual attraction, so you just sound like a normal sexual person. If you really want a title for it, it's called Cupiosexual, but unlike what people say, it is not a type of asexual; they desire sex and asexuals do not. A childhood crush is a bit inconclusive (unless you actually remember how you felt); children can take on influence and misinterpret things or convince themselves they have a crush. Older people can psych themselves up too. But if it is a conclusive crush then them being rare falls under Gray-romantic/Gray-aromantic (depending on which side you feel you fall more toward). You can still feel love without a romantic relationship; platonic love can be just as strong as romantic love. Aromantics and Gray-aromantics can be satisfied with friends, close friends, best friends, or a queerplatonic relationship.

A queerplatonic relationship instead of a romantic relationship just doesn't sit right with me. I do feel platonic attraction but as many friends as I've had in the past I could never imagine having only that kind of relationship and being satisfied (in terms of what that kind of relationship means to me, of course it could mean something different for other people). Then again I also have my problems with forming any kind of deeper emotional bond with people in the first place, but that's a whole different story.

I still have this feeling that I'm somewhere in the gray area both between sexual/asexual and romantic/aromantic. I defnitely don't think I'm a "normal sexual person" for many reasons, and there are so many ways I can relate to asexual people (as opposed to allosexuals) that I just can't quite call myself a normal sexual person. It doesn't feel like me tbh.

I get where you're coming from. I'm 20 years old and I've never felt any strong sexual attraction. I'm not sure whether or not my feelings would change if I had a strong emotional connection with someone so that's still up in the air. I kind of feel like I want to be demisexual because I think it would be easier for me to have a romantic relationship if I was able to feel sexual attraction. I think it's best not to worry too much about what could happen in the future and instead focus on what your wants and needs are in the present. Good luck. :cake:

Thankfully I don't actually worry about it that much (I used to, but I just forced myself to stop making myself miserable and care about other things that actually make me happy haha). I just wanted to get this straight in my head because I feel like wanting a relationship without knowing what I want exactly or who I am exactly doesn't really lead to anything and just made me feel confused and frustrated and sometimes even depressed (let's not even go into details of the mental health department here). At least now I understand that I'm not just "emotionless" or "way too picky" (things I've told myself and other people over the years to dodge their questions about my relationship status), but that it actually has a name and I'm not alone with it. So that's a super great feeling.

Well, regardless of whether one is asexual, they can be sex-positive, neutral, or negative. And asexuals can desire sex for other reasons, as Star Bit said, are cupiosexuals. They don't have the attraction, which still makes them asexual, but they desire a sexual relationship for other reasons, whether it be because the actions are considered romantic or sensual to them.

I've heard about the term but since this feeling (idk if I mentioned it in my original post) is quite infrequent, so sometimes I could be like "f this I don't need none of this right now" for longer periods of time, that's why I'm still more comfortable with Gray-A. I just like how it's a catch-all term for people like me who are simply confused and can't really pinpoint an exact spot on the scale.
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Would defining sexual and romantic attraction help you clear things up any? There are other attractions, perhaps you're feeling those and confusing them for other attractions. I'll just list them all.

There are 6 types of attraction. They're all typically felt with romantic attraction (and why there can be confusion between attractions) but they aren't needed to make it valid. Other than romantic attraction, obviously, they can all be felt platonically, separately, and in different combinations. The desire to act in a certain way can also be separate from the attraction (e.g. sexual attraction with no desire to act on it, or no sexual attraction with a desire for sex). That is, if the attraction has an action to pair itself with; i.e. sexual, romantic, sensual, and platonic attraction. But the two are typically together, which is why the aforementioned examples being someones norm is under the Gray umbrella.

· Sexual attraction - the impulse/compulsion to have sex with a specific person; to do genital involving things to their body.

· Romantic attraction - an emotion; so it doesn't translate well into words, but it can be inadequately put as soft/warm/fuzzy feelings with some degree of fixation (at least in comparison to one's normality with others). Some people have a physical reaction to the feeling and others don’t (i.e. butterflies in their stomach, heart rate increase [though those are also symptoms of platonic nervousness], dreamy mindset, anxious euphoria, infatuation, etc.).

· Aesthetic attraction - the pull to look at someone because of their looks and or mannerisms. It's different from recognizing good looks/what is aesthetically pleasing.

· Emotional attraction - the fixation on someone because of their emotions (their optimism, stoicness, etc.), and by extent personality. I would compare it to having a favorite character or admirance.

· Sensual attraction - the urge to have non-genital physical contact. Platonically displaying this above the norm qualifies as a type of queerplatonic relationship (QPR). I would compare it to how many people have the urge to act toward their pets. Though this term is typically applied to other humans. There are 3 forms of sensual attraction; platonic, romantic (which only differ by chaste kissing), and sexual (in the sense that it’s done for sexual arousal, not because it includes sex/genital contact --and it’s still under asexuality as a kink).

· Platonic attraction - (aka a squish; a play on the romantic word crush) the strong urge to know or befriend someone.

· And it's possible to find someone charming without romantic attraction. (look up charming's definition/synonyms for further clarification)

· It's also possible to have queerplatonic feelings for someone; to emotionally feel platonic (aka not have romantic attraction) but have the characteristic(s) associated with a romantic relationship. It can be an importance/closeness stronger than the best friend norm, displaying platonic sensual attraction above the norm (only differing from romantic sensual attraction with chaste kissing, although preferring chaste kissing or no kissing does not make one’s feelings unromantic), friends with sexual or make out benefits, romantically pleasing someone they platonically love (QP to one and romantic to the other, although it's their decision on what they call the relationship), or any combination of those. They may or may not have monogamy, live together, have kids, or look like a couple to the public. Romantics and Aromantics can have QPRs.

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It's quite alright to be confused, it will take time to figure out who you truly are (and that applies to anyone who is confused). You should use those identities that you listed that you believe fit you. If you don't think they apply to you anymore in the future, you can always choose a different identity. A person is not 'assigned' to these specific orientations and are not 'forced' to identify as that. You are you, you are the only one who can decide and know how you feel in the inside. So again, choose identities that you feel are right, and can always change later on if you feel different later on.

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Welcome! When you say you're "interested in sexual relationships", do you mean having an innate desire for them although you haven't been sexually attracted to a specific person, or do you mean open to the possibility of a sexual relationship if you were to have a partner that wants sex, even if you wouldn't desire it yourself? The latter could easily fall under asexuality, not innately desiring sex, but some may still be willing to have sex if they have a partner that wants it, while others are repulsed by sex under most or all circumstances; attitude towards sex is separate from sexual desire, sexual attraction or the lack of either.

Based off of what you said about your romantic orientation, it's up to you what to identify as, but you could consider yourself gray-romantic for having experienced romantic attraction once, much less than most of the population does. Some asexual and aromantic people feel sad over never being able to experience sexual or romantic attraction, but that may have to do with social pressure and expectations.

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