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Coming out to my Boyfriend (Advice Please)


AJ Thompson

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OK. Here we go.

I need advice. In a few days my family and I will be taking a rare trip back to our previous home where after 12 weeks of not seeing him I'll be having Thanksgiving dinner with my boyfriend and his family.

To make the story short we meet our senior year in high school, dated for a short time, I unfortunately had to move away due to lack of finances and left to live with distant family. This put us half a country away from one another and although there was distance we agreed to attempt to keep up a long distance relationship.

That was three years ago and we're still close. Still love each other.

The horrible truth is that I've yet to come out to him as asexual and I'm honestly unclear of his orientation as he's a very nervous guy and I'm an extroverted oblivious idiot that needs reality screamed in my face because I fail to understand subtly.

Point in case as he is my boyfriend I feel I should come out to him as it may affect our relationship. I'm honestly indifferent to sex but I'm nervous about how he'll react. I tried coming out to some friends a few months ago which while they were confused as they weren't knowledgeable about asexuality they didn't see me any differently because of it. When I came out to my parents though-disaster.

For my father: he ignores it because it "doesn't exist."

For my mother: "It's just a phase. You'll get over it."

Perhaps if my boyfriend and I lived closer this confrontation about sexuality might have happened sooner but in this situation we're hundreds of miles away from one another so it hasn't really come up. And I don't want to screw anything up because I bring it up if he doesn't want to discuss it. He's surprisingly shy and sweet and whether I'm smart or stupid about relationships in general I don't want to lose him because of this.

How do I tell him?

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You should tell him, but you don't have to if you don't fee l comfortable. How I would do it is simply say it and get it over with, and I know that's kind of hard because you're probably nervous about screwing up your relationship but his feeling have to be taken into consideration. He probably assumes you're a heterosexual woman and that's neither of your faults but I do think it is your responsibility to tell him. Basically just be confident and proud and if he doesn't accept you, he wasn't meant to be.

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AJ Thompson

I wish you the best of luck with whatever you decide. I am in a similar situation but need to clarify to him so he can understand and it's not a long distance relationship.

I would suggest AJ that you have an online resource like AVEN that you can point to, or a good reliable interviews and articles. So that way he can see that this is something people have but successful relationships exist.

Explained to him on your own terms of what you would be willing to work within your relationship. If he decides to stay with you in it for some reason he finds it difficult to accept you with this new information than perhaps it is not to be, or you and he could just a friends. It really is your call on what you decide to do after you tell him about this.

So hopefully on the way over there. You can outline some things and maybe will make it less nerve-racking. Hopefully the resources you find like AVEN would be a good place to start. I hope the resources offered a positive starting point in communication for the two of you.

Best wishes

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Nea Rose Symphony

No matter how you feel I think you should tell him. If you don't tell him now, you will have to eventually if he'll want sex with you. But if he loves you enough he'll be willing to compromise with you

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Put simply it would be "I desire sex with no one and never have [yes, the never mention can be required clarification with some people] but that doesn't mean I'm against a sexual compromise. However, i may not emotionally reciprocate the way you want. I'll never be the one to start sex-- that is, unless you give me a schedule in which you'd prefer it to happen and i can act on that when we have free time."

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