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Ace/aro or just shitty experiences?


MariaCaterina

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MariaCaterina

I've been wondering for a while, at point am I a "something" in terms of orientation, and at what point is it just my orientation being impacted by shitty experiences, if that makes sense.

I never would have imagined myself as asexual, because I've been sexually active, by which I mean masturbating, since I was young, and I'm really into images, stories, fantasies, whatever. I thought I would be beyond psyched for sex, but I was mostly grossed out by the experience.

Since coming to university, I've had sex twice, both times with the same person. It was gross. The first time I did it was for curiosity, and the second time I did it mostly because I didn't know how to say I didn't want to. (I'm an idiot, I know.) I've heard that for cis girls it's generally pretty difficult to enjoy sex at first; do I just need "more practice?" I don't want to blame the guy for it; I know men can sometimes be really careless in bed, but I feel like he gave it his best shot, ya know?

In terms of romantic stuff, I've always seen myself as pretty atypical; my attitude has always been that partners are like dogs, or babies: the idea of having one is nice, but the reality is a lot messier and more inconvenient than you think. I wouldn't have characterized myself as aromantic because like I said, I've always been attracted to the idea of it, but since arriving at college I've realized that it's not really a matter of being too "mature" for relationships; I like people romantically, but only from a distance, if that makes sense. If they're romantically interested in me, it's just...ugh. When I talked to my Mom about this, she got really upset because she sees it as being, like, damaged, as in I "can't relate to men" because of stuff that happened to me earlier in life. Usually I don't think this would bother me--like, who says that I'm "damaged" just because I don't interact with romantic prospects in the same way someone else my age would?

I don't know if I'm even making sense. Do you guys have any feedback? Do I just have unrealistic expectations of sex? Am I just reacting to shitty experiences in the past? At what point does past trauma become incorporated into your orientation? At what point am I just seeing personality quirks and life experiences shaping my sexual and romantic behavior, and at what point do I have an "orientation?"

Any thoughts would be helpful. Hope I'm not being too annoying.

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Blue Phoenix Ace

Hi Maria, welcome to Aven. Have some cake! :cake::cake::cake:

From what you describe with your romantic interests, you might be lithromantic, meaning you feel crushes and have romantic interest but as soon as it is reciprocated you become uncomfortable and disinterested. This certainly does not make you "damaged" and I'm sorry your mother would say such a thing. She may not understand because she does experience romantic attraction as most people do.

As a 37 year old aro, I can tell you that there's nothing wrong with being single. Most people think there is, but they are just plain wrong. Live your life the way you want to and be joyful.

As for the asexiness, you need to ask yourself if you desire partnered sex with others. Maybe your experiences with that one guy were bad and you would enjoy it with someone else. I can't say for sure, but in any case, welcome, and I hope you learn what you are looking for here.

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Sockstealingnome

Look, whether or not you've had good sex doesn't change the matter of wanting it. Asexuals can have libidos so masturbating isn't an indicator of orientation. Do you actually feel anything sexual with another person or is it just a curiosity for you? If it's the latter, you probably fall on the asexual spectrum.

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If you don't desire sex with anyone there's no need to try again. When you say you've always been attracted to the idea of romance, do you mean as in you being in a relationship (if so was this genuine desire or public influence), or do you mean romance movies/books? And I'm describing romantic attraction because some people confuse it with other attractions, so romantic attraction is an emotion; so it doesn't translate well into words, but it can be inadequately put as soft/warm/fuzzy feelings with some degree of fixation (at least in comparison to one's normality with others). Some people have a physical reaction to the feeling and others don’t (i.e. butterflies in their stomach, heart rate increase [though those are also symptoms of platonic nervousness], dreamy mindset, anxious euphoria, infatuation, etc.). On the note of Lithromantic aka Aporomantic (which i prefer because its prefix isn't a metaphor), some of them can sustain their feelings for someone if the partner indifferently unreciprocates. But if you don't want to date then you can go by aromantic out of convenience. Aporomantic is a type of Gray-romantic/Gray-aromantic (depending on what side the person falls more toward), but i said aromantic before because the term is predominantly an umbrella term for romance maybes/under specific circumstances.

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Nea Rose Symphony

I agree with the others, it does sound like you're lithro. Whatever you are, and whatever may or may not cause it, embrace who you are. Because you were born that way. If you want, you can talk to me personally about it

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I had a whole lot of sex I didn't want to have for 15 years because I didn't know asexuality was a thing. I tried to peg my complete disinterest and lack of attraction on everything you can imagine, including my first sexual relationship, which was pretty awful in that department and on its own probably could have put me off sex for a while. This is not to say that you're experiencing the exact same thing or that you'll come to the same conclusions I did. But I urge you to listen to your instincts and your gut feelings, and continue to read about other asexual experiences and see what jives with you. Unless your gut and feelings are telling you "yeah yeah we want to have sex with that other body let's do it", don't have sex. And please, don't tie yourself up in knots trying to "solve" it. That can drive you crazy, trust me. Experiment if you truly want to, but just saying "naw, I'm good" is absolutely okay!

And if you aren't interested in sex, it doesn't matter WHY. Maybe it's temporary, maybe it's not. From what I've read, most non-asexual people who have bad or downright traumatic sexual experiences will find their sexual attraction return. So even if you had awful sex the first few times, maybe you won't want to try again for a while. Maybe the idea is even repellent right now. But if you are *not* asexual, the attraction will likely appear/reappear eventually, and you'll be motivated to try again. And if you never have that attraction? Welcome to the club :) And there's no reason you can't identify as asexual even if you feel like you're "waiting to see". If the label resonates with you right now, use it. It's not a tattoo, you can change your mind if it ceases to make sense for you in the future.

I'm a huge dumb weepy romantic, so I can't answer the other part of your question with as much confidence as those who already did, so I won't try :)

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If you don't like sex then there's no need to try having it again. It's 100% your choice, don't do it if you don't want to. Most here (or at least me) consider the definition of asexuality to be a person who does not experience sexual attraction and/or a person who has no desire for partnered sex so if that seems like you feel free to use the label (or not). What you're describing in terms of romance sounds a lot like lithromanticism/apromanticism. Which (according to the aromantic wiki) is:

"Somebody who is lithromantic can feel romantic attraction towards others and also enjoy being in romantic relationships but only in theory. They do not need the affection to be reciprocated or to be in a relationship with their crush. Some lithromantics may also stop feeling their romantic attraction once in a relationship.

Someone who identifies as lithromantic can be romance repulsed, romance indifferent / neutral / apathetic towards romance, or romance positive. Like with any romantic orientation, lithromantic individuals can have any sexual orientation."

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I define "asexuality" as "no desire for partnered sex." Other possible definitions are "an enduring lack of sexual desire for others" as well as "an enduring lack of sexual inclinations/feelings towards others." Basically, an "asexual" person isn't drawn towards sexual interaction with others. Beyond that, it varies from person to person, regardless of sexual orientation. Many people seem to inaccurately equate "asexuality" with things that have more to do with personality traits (such as introversion) or general interests and preferences (such as aversion to touch or dislike of kisses), which even "sexual" people can have and share (some "sexual" people don't like to hold hands or don't have "sex dreams" and so on). Ultimately, I think it's okay to be whatever sexuality we happen to be and I embrace any attitude that helps people love and accept themselves for who they are with whatever preferences they have and whatever lifestyle brings them happiness (as long as it's "Safe, Sane, and Consensual," of course). With that said, I don't think the origins of sexual orientation matter all that much (or invalidate who we are) as it's generally accepted in the scientific community that nature and nurture contribute and neither can really be changed at this point, therefore, it's best to accept who we are (regardless of how we came to be) and live our lives accordingly.

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