frustrated husband

[Star Bit]

That video blames other things for the lack of sex when it can also be because their sex-drives just don't match. It also rejects asexuality, but i don't really care about that point since we're not common. Anyway, you can do the letter activity if you like; something along the lines of "i don't desire to have sex with anyone and never have..."

[creepqveen]

That video blames other things for the lack of sex when it can also be because their sex-drives just don't match. It also rejects asexuality, but i don't really care about that point since we're not common. Anyway, you can do the letter activity if you like; something along the lines of "i don't desire to have sex with anyone and never have..."

i was surprised that asexuality didnt come up in that video,

but then again, unfortunately, i'm not. it seems like it's almost looked at as if it doesn't actually exist/we're just 'prudes'.

the letter thing sounds like it may be useful though.

[Tarfeather]

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tSs2dXDf1Zs

this was in his recent history on youtube (was looking for a particular video i'd watched and we both use his account on youtube since we use the same computer, so i saw this)

i'm not really sure what to make of it?

That video literally makes me feel sick to the stomach, and the comments below make me weep.

It also rejects asexuality, but i don't really care about that point since we're not common.

You really think asexuals and gray-sexuals are that uncommon among sex-less relationships? Please.. The whole video is basically like "Yeah, there's no sex in your relationship because you're not asking for sex right, but don't worry the other person definitely still wants it", which is.. I honestly can't even express how wrong that is, and the way people defend it in the comment section makes me feel outright repulsed.

[Star Bit]

In sexless relationships, no, i think that has a good odd of the person being asexual; i meant we're not common in general so the person making the video not knowing of it makes sense.

[Tarfeather]

In sexless relationships, no, i think that has a good odd of the person being asexual; i meant we're not common in general so the person making the video not knowing of it makes sense.

I'd think that anyone investigating into sexless relationships, maybe looking at a few scientific studies and publications, would run across the term asexual. Making an educational video and not doing that basic research is highly irresponsible behaviour IMO.

[Telecaster68]

Yeah, the 'everybody wants sex' is just flat wrong, as quite a few of the comments point out, and the video makers apologise. It would've been easy enough to add in a few words to acknowledge it at least.

But apart from that, I think it's really well done for (overwhelmingly) most couples, who statistically, will both be sexual. Sober, sensitive, perceptive, and basically saying 'communicate', which is never going to be a bad thing for people in that situation. I scrolled quite a long way down the comments and most seemed pretty polite and for YouTube. Nobody was being called a Nazi, at least.

I was trying to figure out the numbers but they're not my thing really. Does this make sense:

99% sexual, 1% asexual. So removing all environmental factors and just going by the numbers, the chances of a sexual and asexual getting together would be 1% x 99% = 0.99%. And chances are, if we assume a sexual partner is going to be the one watching that video (because asexuals would tend not to feel the absence of sex as a problem to be solved), that means 98.01% of viewers are going to be in a relationship with another sexual. So you can see why in a mass-market video, asexuals wouldn't be where you'd focus your attention. (Still not sure about my numbers but they feel like they make sense - for instance, there have to be mixed relationships than asexuals).

Or take the highest estimate of asexuals I've seen (I think referenced in Bogaerd): 8%

8% x 92% = 7.36% of sexuals in mixed relationships, so 99% - 7.36% = 91.64% of viewers are pretty likely to be in a relationship with another sexual.

Still, it should've been mentioned.

[Qwerty321]

Most sexual people consider sexual activity an important part of a relationship or marriage. It's natural for them, and abstaining from it is not easy. Also it's very natural for sexual people when they start to feel arousal while cuddling or kissing. So, your husband's feelings and frustration are very understandable. At the same time, his "attacking" manner only makes you feel more nervous.

You mentioned your body tenses every time. I had the same problem, despite I'm not asexual or sex repulsed. This made the whole act hardly possible and very painful at first, but then I overcame it. In my case it was just a matter of fear, and more I was afraid, more it hurt. It's like a vicious circle, and it was difficult to break it. Maybe, you have a similar problem, and your husband only made it worse, when he "attacks" you.

If you want a compromisse with your husband, you should find a way to break that vicious circle. You even can consult a medical specialist, cause tensing is both psycological and physical problem, and probably your husband should go there with you, and be taught how to change his behaviour into more constructive way. He should realize, you have a problem and trying to overcome it and need his help. If you don't want a compromisse, just tell him that and stop any discussions. Very likely, he would choose to leave you, but it's up to him, you just should make things clear, take your desicion and accept his decision.

[creepqveen]

thank you all for your replies/input/advice.

after a 6+ hour conversation I am still not 100% sure where we are at.

Of everything we talked about, he expressed that he didn't fully understand what sex put me through (mentally, physically, emotionally) until tonight, that when I'd explained it in the past that he heard me but was most likely feeling too hurt to actually 'hear' me, that he didnt want to and wasn't sure he could be ok with putting me through that just because he wanted sex, but that it was also still important to him for us to have it. He said that now knowing what it was like for me, he didnt want to feel like he was violating me, and wasn't sure he could be ok with feeling that way and still wanting to have sex with me. Basically he was conflicted because what he wanted and needed would 'harm' me and he didnt want to do that and felt ashamed that he even still wanted to have sex with me knowing what it would put me through. He said he needed to think about it, whether he still wanted to be with me, I expressed how much that hurt, he said of course he loved me and wanted to be with me but would always feel like he was doing something bad to me when we have sex. I think he felt guilty at not fully understanding and not being able to know how hard it has been.

I appreciate that he was so open and honest with me about it, and that we could (eventuallty) talk about it calmly and that neither party felt attacked or blamed.

[Telecaster68]

It sounds like progress - most sexuals get the guilt part when they realise the extent of their partner's dislike of sex, just like most asexuals get some version of the guilt part when they realise how much sex means to sexuals. Neither is necessarily justified.

More importantly, there's a glimmer of how the issue could become a bit less fraught, I think. The next stage could be him figuring out different ways to still get that closeness and intensity. Realistically, they're probably going to have to involve something sexual, though not necessarily PIV so much. There's a chance he might be okay with nothing sexual, but I quite honestly I wouldn't bet on it. And then your side of that is figuring out how much sexual activity, and what kind, you could bear. Coming to something acceptable to both of you is where the potential compromise will be.

[Tarfeather]

So removing all environmental factors and just going by the numbers,

When talking about probability of asexuality, then the environmental factor of "This person for some reason has stopped having sex with their partner" should not be ignored..

[Sally]

He said that now knowing what it was like for me, he didnt want to feel like he was violating me, and wasn't sure he could be ok with feeling that way and still wanting to have sex with me.

I think that's key. For the sexuals who've talked about this on AVEN, feeling that their partner wanted sex just as much as they did was very important. Without that, sex wasn't the same for them.

He would not only have to compromise on what kind/how much sex would be had, he'd have to somehow deal with his diminished pleasure and desire to have it with someone who didn't want it. That, to me, is the REAL compromise sexuals must make.

[Telecaster68]

I think that's key. For the sexuals who've talked about this on AVEN, feeling that their partner wanted sex just as much as they did was very important. Without that, sex wasn't the same for them. Without that, sex wasn't the same for them.

He would not only have to compromise on what kind/how much sex would be had, he'd have to somehow deal with his diminished pleasure and desire to have it with someone who didn't want it. That, to me, is the REAL compromise sexuals must make.

If the asexual partner didn't want it, full stop, then it wouldn't happen. Because of rape, firstly, and also because if they were taking no kind of pleasure at all - starfishing as it's called - it feels rapey, even if it consent is enthusiastic in a rational kind of way, and at best is utterly pointless. We have to be able to accept that the willingness and enthusiasm that some asexuals can work up in the general cause of pleasuring their partner (IE us) is genuine and worth something. That's not going to happen for some time after we've found out the asexual partner wasn't half as into it as we'd thought they were - trust takes time to rebuild, with the best will in the world.

[Telecaster68]

When talking about probability of asexuality, then the environmental factor of "This person for some reason has stopped having sex with their partner" should not be ignored..

True, but then I'd have had to get into how likely would it be for an asexual and sexual to get together, the asexual to not admit they're asexual - pretty much unknowable and certainly beyond my back of an envelope statistical abilities.

I have a feeling that given the tiny percentage of asexuals, even if a high proportion were involved in a proportion of sexless marriages, it still wouldn't be affect that many over all, so taking all that into account wouldn't end up making a massive difference anyhow. I don't have the statistical articulacy to demonstrate this though.

[Frigid Pink]

He said that now knowing what it was like for me, he didnt want to feel like he was violating me, and wasn't sure he could be ok with feeling that way and still wanting to have sex with me.

I think that's key. For the sexuals who've talked about this on AVEN, feeling that their partner wanted sex just as much as they did was very important. Without that, sex wasn't the same for them.

He would not only have to compromise on what kind/how much sex would be had, he'd have to somehow deal with his diminished pleasure and desire to have it with someone who didn't want it. That, to me, is the REAL compromise sexuals must make.

I think it's more that they have to accept that they're not desired in the same way (sexually), although they may be desired in other ways.

I definitely agree that someone who absolutely doesn't want it and isn't comfortable with it probably doesn't need to do it and it makes sense that the "sexual" partner wouldn't feel okay in that situation.

Basically, a sex-repulsed "asexual" person (depending on the level of sexual repulsion) probably doesn't need to force themselves to do sexual things.

Overall, if there's emotional or physical harm, then it needs to be off limits.

[Sally]

He said that now knowing what it was like for me, he didnt want to feel like he was violating me, and wasn't sure he could be ok with feeling that way and still wanting to have sex with me.

I think that's key. For the sexuals who've talked about this on AVEN, feeling that their partner wanted sex just as much as they did was very important. Without that, sex wasn't the same for them.

He would not only have to compromise on what kind/how much sex would be had, he'd have to somehow deal with his diminished pleasure and desire to have it with someone who didn't want it. That, to me, is the REAL compromise sexuals must make.

I think it's more that they have to accept that they're not desired in the same way (sexually), although they may be desired in other ways.

I definitely agree that someone who absolutely doesn't want it and isn't comfortable with it probably doesn't need to do it and it makes sense that the "sexual" partner wouldn't feel okay in that situation.

Basically, a sex-repulsed "asexual" person (depending on the level of sexual repulsion) probably doesn't need to force themselves to do sexual things.

Overall, if there's emotional or physical harm, then it needs to be off limits.

But for an activity that is, for the sexual, a demonstration of mutual love, if the asexual doesn't enjoy it, the sexual won't really either. Even if the asexual is not repulsed or physically uncomfortable, the sexual will know that the feeling isn't the same. It's not something that the asexual wants, at all. For the asexual to say, more or less, "But I'm willing to do it for you, why are you complaining?" just misses the point.

[Telecaster68]

I think it's more that they have to accept that they're not desired in the same way (sexually), although they may be desired in other ways.

Purely for clarity, otherwise this is going to come across as snark....If you mean it's entirely about the ego trip of being desired - then no, it's not. It's about the frustration that we can't make our partners feel as good as we do, and share that intensity. That's what happens when two sexuals have sex, and it doesn't when a sexual and an asexual have sex. There's a kind of hall of mirrors thing going on: our pleasure is your pleasure is our pleasure is your pleasure is our pleasure is your pleasure is our pleasure is your pleasure is our pleasure is your pleasure is our pleasure is your pleasure...if one of of the 'mirrors' is asexual, the reflections don't get recursive and dilutes the experience.

It's pretty much like one of those intense back and forth conversations that draw you both in - except all one side can say is 'oh yes, that's nice, I agree', at best.

[Sally]

Purely for clarity, otherwise this is going to come across as snark....If you mean it's entirely about the ego trip of being desired - then no, it's not. It's about the frustration that we can't make our partners feel as good as we do, and share that intensity.

I definitely meant the latter -- I don't think there's any "ego trip" in being desired.

[Telecaster68]

Purely for clarity, otherwise this is going to come across as snark....If you mean it's entirely about the ego trip of being desired - then no, it's not. It's about the frustration that we can't make our partners feel as good as we do, and share that intensity.

I definitely meant the latter -- I don't think there's any "ego trip" in being desired.

I know you did... ;)

We're both flogging the same dead horse, I think.

[Lalachan24]

Hi, i'm new to the community but I was in a similar situation and still kind of am. My husband and I have been married for five years and from the beginning we both realized that I wasn't as into sex as he was. We've talked about it a lot and it's taken a while (we're still working through things) but we came to a compromise that works for both of us. He knows that if given the choice I would probably never have sex with him unless for some reason the mood struck me which is very rare, and I know that he has a rather high sex drive. In the beginning we ran into a lot of the same problems he felt that I wasn't attracted to him and that he maybe he was doing something wrong or that maybe I had some imbalance in my system. Even now I don't think he fully understands but he's been very supportive and he knows he can be a little overbearing about sex at times. Basically what we came up with was we each have a jar and we put things in the jar that we want to do or we want the other to do and for us, weekly we choose out of the jar and we do that particular choice. For him he's added several sexual things, we discussed what I will and will not do so he's very conscious of what he's been putting in the jar and we have within two weeks to I guess act on what we pulled. So far it's been working out OK we've been at it a couple weeks now and I guess it's kind of an experiment to see if it works for us. Sorry if I kind of rambled on. My thoughts are a little chaotic never been very good at talking about things like this. I hope that you and your husband find some way to work around what's going on, it can definitely be worth it if you're both willing. I wish you the best of luck.

[Frigid Pink]

I think it's more that they have to accept that they're not desired in the same way (sexually), although they may be desired in other ways.

Purely for clarity, otherwise this is going to come across as snark....If you mean it's entirely about the ego trip of being desired - then no, it's not. It's about the frustration that we can't make our partners feel as good as we do, and share that intensity. That's what happens when two sexuals have sex, and it doesn't when a sexual and an asexual have sex. There's a kind of hall of mirrors thing going on: our pleasure is your pleasure is our pleasure is your pleasure is our pleasure is your pleasure is our pleasure is your pleasure is our pleasure is your pleasure is our pleasure is your pleasure...if one of of the 'mirrors' is asexual, the reflections don't get recursive and dilutes the experience.

It's pretty much like one of those intense back and forth conversations that draw you both in - except all one side can say is 'oh yes, that's nice, I agree', at best.

Ok, thanks for the clarification. I don't think I meant it as entirely ego-focused, however, I did certainly mean to include that aspect of it.

[ArcerianLover]

Now I am very young and very new to both this site and the knowledge that Asexuality exists but my last relationship ended because of very similar circumstances. I tried to explain to my boyfriend, who for the last five years was my best friend, that when I came off the depo provera shot that I was no longer experiencing any sexual urges and I tried to explain to him that I never felt any before the birth control but he couldn't comprehend the fact that I no longer wanted to have sex with him.

So he began coercing me, he'd push me to have sex and eventually I would cave because it was easier than having an argument. Then he started kissing and pushing me more and more and in places he'd always known I would never be comfortable with like on the couch in front of my family. It got to the point where even when we were just sleeping in the same bed I couldn't stand to touch him and when he would do it anyway just to take my hand or try and hug me I would be pushed to the brink of a panic attack. When I flat out refused to have sex with him anymore and gave him the ultimatum between me or sex he decided that we needed to take a break and figure ourselves out.

In short he would be back for me when I could have sex again.

I was shattered by the thought of my own dysfunction destroying the relationship I thought would be my last until I discovered what Asexuality was and then it all made sense. I still don't forgive his actions but I understand why it fell apart and why it could never have worked when I didn't know what I was or what I wanted in a relationship.

I know this sort of turned into a personal history but I just wanted to let you know that I understand some of what you are feeling and I think that it would be best for you to make your comfort zone know to him in no uncertain terms and let him know that his pressing you makes you upset and hurts you in a number of ways. In the end it is up to you to do what you want and what you think will be best.

Best of luck and if you ever need anyone to talk to feel free to PM me.

[Tarfeather]

He would not only have to compromise on what kind/how much sex would be had, he'd have to somehow deal with his diminished pleasure and desire to have it with someone who didn't want it. That, to me, is the REAL compromise sexuals must make.

I don't know.. My partner is among those who can experience arousal in response to physical stuff happening to them. I'd never want to do anything with her if she doesn't enjoy it, so the issue is not that she has "diminished pleasure" or anything, but more that it's incredibly rare for her to get into such a mood to begin with, and that she even actively resists that. If she actually actively were trying to give me sex, there would be much less issue with that, though I have to note there isn't much of an issue with it at this point anyway.

Purely for clarity, otherwise this is going to come across as snark....If you mean it's entirely about the ego trip of being desired - then no, it's not. It's about the frustration that we can't make our partners feel as good as we do, and share that intensity.

I definitely meant the latter -- I don't think there's any "ego trip" in being desired.

Eh, that's more an issue of the word "ego" having gained such a negative meaning. In this day and age, wanting things for yourself and not others seems to have become the worst thing imaginable. However, it not being an ego thing is actually untrue in most cases. Most sexuals indeed desire being seen as "attractive" and "desirable" by their partner, and that not being the case will indeed make them feel ugly and undesirable. That's just how our mind and psychology works. We need to feel special and important, and not being special and important on a sexual level to our partner is pretty terrible. I've personally learned to do without, but I don't think we should look down on anyone just because they require being found attractive by their partner for happiness.

[Frigid Pink]

My partner is among those who can experience arousal in response to physical stuff happening to them. I'd never want to do anything with her if she doesn't enjoy it, so the issue is not that she has "diminished pleasure" or anything, but more that it's incredibly rare for her to get into such a mood to begin with, and that she even actively resists that.

Yeah, that sounds like me, except for the part about active resistance (not sure what that means). I'm certainly capable of physical pleasure and orgasm, so, I can enjoy sex under the right set of circumstances.

[Tarfeather]

My partner is among those who can experience arousal in response to physical stuff happening to them. I'd never want to do anything with her if she doesn't enjoy it, so the issue is not that she has "diminished pleasure" or anything, but more that it's incredibly rare for her to get into such a mood to begin with, and that she even actively resists that.

Yeah, that sounds like me, except for the part about active resistance (not sure what that means). I'm certainly capable of physical pleasure and orgasm, so, I can enjoy sex under the right set of circumstances.

It means she doesn't like the thought of "losing control" over her body, thus actively resists anything that might lead to her losing that control.