frustrated husband

[creepqveen]

I have been with my spouse for almost 3 years, and married for almost 2.

when the relationship began i hadn't had the best experiences with past partners (one having beat me up consistently over a longer period of time than i'd like to talk about), and i was fairly inexperienced with dating only having dated or been involved with 4 people, my husband being the 5th. i had always assumed that i never felt that gut wrenching all consuming sexual attraction towards any of my ex's because they weren't 'the one' but when 'the one' did come along, i'd feel it. fast forward to me meeting my husband and i was attracted to him on a deep level i hadn't been attracted to anyone before. i wanted to be with this person, for better or worse. in the beginning of the relationship we were 'active' because that's what i'd come to know about relationships, but i still wasn't feeling that super sexual primal attraction. i chocked it up to really, really liking him and being nervous/self conscious/being fairly inexperienced/etc/etc. never really feeling 'in the mood' i would give in to having sex because a)it made him happy, and b) i was honestly very scared that if i didn't, he would become uninterested and leave me.

the act of being sexual was becoming more than i was honestly able to handle, so we cooled off.

fast forward again to us getting married. at this point we hadn't really been 'active' in some time. i'd briefly mentioned that i thought i *may* have been asexual, but that was really as far as the conversation had gone.

between first getting married and now, i think we've had sex maybe 4 times, 5 tops.

because i'm completely uninterested in it, it hurts. a lot. every single time, it hurts. my whole body tenses up and that's it, no one enjoys anything.

the past month or so my husband has been bringing up the topic of sex quite frequently, saying things like 'i'm 25, i'm horny, i want to have sex', 'are we ever going to have sex again', 'why wont you let me touch you (in a sexual way)', and most recently, 'this is what you signed up for you know, it's a marriage, not a friendship'.

he also mentions, just as much, that 'its not disgusting or creepy, i'm your husband, i should be allowed to'.

i'm finding it very, very difficult to deal with this. it doesnt seem to matter how many conversations we have about it 'not being that im not attracted to him, it's just that i'm just not interested in sex at all', nothing but arguments seem to come of it.

he seems to be stuck on the idea that sex is a crucial part of the relationship, i do not feel the same way.

(i should note that while i completely understand his need for 'release', i'm not someone who stops their partner from watching porn.)

anyone having been through similar (from either the asexual or sexual side) i would really appreciate your input.

we are fighting/arguing a lot and i know that this has something to do with it.

[Anthracite_Impreza]

There are a lot of red flags for me in what he's saying:

"this is what you signed up for"

"why won't you let me touch you"

"i'm your husband I should be allowed to"

and the general attitude he seems to have. You did not sign up for sex, you do not ever owe anyone sex and he has no rights to your body. This is the same in every relationship, sexual or not.

You need to talk to him about this. You need to make clear that you are unhappy having sex and that it is something that is actually causing you physical and mental harm. From there on his reaction will dictate the next course of action. It may be he is willing to compromise to less invasive forms of sex (if you also are), replace it with sensual acts like cuddling, or if he's really willing maybe even celibacy. You'll also have to consider the possibility of him getting his needs met elsewhere and whether you can cope with that. It may ultimately be that there is no compromise you can reach and the best course of action is a break-up.

Good luck.

[creepqveen]

There are a lot of red flags for me in what he's saying:

"this is what you signed up for"

"why won't you let me touch you"

"i'm your husband I should be allowed to"

and the general attitude he seems to have. You did not sign up for sex, you do not ever owe anyone sex and he has no rights to your body. This is the same in every relationship, sexual or not.

You need to talk to him about this. You need to make clear that you are unhappy having sex and that it is something that is actually causing you physical and mental harm. From there on his reaction will dictate the next course of action. It may be he is willing to compromise to less invasive forms of sex (if you also are), replace it with sensual acts like cuddling, or if he's really willing maybe even celibacy. You'll also have to consider the possibility of him getting his needs met elsewhere and whether you can cope with that. It may ultimately be that there is no compromise you can reach and the best course of action is a break-up.

Good luck.

we've had so many conversations about this, and initially it started out pretty rocky (which i understand, as it was something new that neither of us really knew much about).

the last time we talked about it, it was such a calm, rational conversation where both sides were heard and he said he understood and would stop bringing sex/sexual things up.

(he has started a new job recently so i'm unsure if that has anything to do with any of this, but it most likely does.)

everything just went from feeling good and safe to feeling like i was being almost attacked because i dont want sex. the constant bring it up and arguments have left me feeling so bad about myself/the whole situation that i'm finding that i dont want him touching me at all, even in non sexual ways like simply hugging.

anytime we would do things that aren't intrinsically sexual in nature (cuddling and the like), sex would be brought up/sexual type touching would occur so we don't even really cuddle anymore.

i understand that it must be very hard for him, he was very sexually active before our relationship, but i really dont think it's fair that i'm always feeling like the bad guy because i can't help that i do not want something

[Tarfeather]

and most recently, 'this is what you signed up for you know, it's a marriage, not a friendship'.

Holy cow! Honestly, my first thought? Dump his sorry ass. o_O I mean, obviously up to you, you know more, maybe this isn't as terrifying as it sounds, but it does sound very terrifying.

we've had so many conversations about this, and initially it started out pretty rocky (which i understand, as it was something new that neither of us really knew much about).

the last time we talked about it, it was such a calm, rational conversation where both sides were heard and he said he understood and would stop bringing sex/sexual things up.

(he has started a new job recently so i'm unsure if that has anything to do with any of this, but it most likely does.)

In my experience, that's really problematic. You don't want to get to the point where you don't ever talk about sex and don't do anything remotely sexual. You want to get to the point where you can talk about sex and do things that are maybe slightly sexual, without feeling unsafe or pressured.

[creepqveen]

and most recently, 'this is what you signed up for you know, it's a marriage, not a friendship'.

Holy cow! Honestly, my first thought? Dump his sorry ass. o_O I mean, obviously up to you, you know more, maybe this isn't as terrifying as it sounds, but it does sound very terrifying.

we've had so many conversations about this, and initially it started out pretty rocky (which i understand, as it was something new that neither of us really knew much about).

the last time we talked about it, it was such a calm, rational conversation where both sides were heard and he said he understood and would stop bringing sex/sexual things up.

(he has started a new job recently so i'm unsure if that has anything to do with any of this, but it most likely does.)

In my experience, that's really problematic. You don't want to get to the point where you don't ever talk about sex and don't do anything remotely sexual. You want to get to the point where you can talk about sex and do things that are maybe slightly sexual, without feeling unsafe or pressured.

it's all very confronting. i'm on the verge of sex repulsed, and him being a sexual person, that really doesn't mix well.

i love him, and am in love with him, but i can tell that neither of us are happy.

i've brought up us divorcing so he can be with someone who's willing to have sex and he's always said that he doesn't want to sleep with anyone else, just with me.

i honestly don't know what to do at this point, every time we try to talk about sex it turns into an argument, i breakdown into tears, he says it's fine he wont mention it again, give it a few months and repeat the whole thing over again.

[Tarfeather]

i've brought up us divorcing so he can be with someone who's willing to have sex and he's always said that he doesn't want to sleep with anyone else, just with me.

There is a pattern in your posts where all your reasoning for not breaking up seems to come down to what he wants, not what you want.

i honestly don't know what to do at this point, every time we try to talk about sex it turns into an argument, i breakdown into tears, he says it's fine he wont mention it again, give it a few months and repeat the whole thing over again.

Why is breaking up with him not an option?

[Anthracite_Impreza]

Like Tar said, you need to focus on what you want, not him. I can practically feel the hurt through your posts, you're not happy at all and I think you know that you would be happier without all this stress. Unless he suddenly becomes ok with not having sex again I think this is a cycle that's just going to keep repeating itself and you are going to continue to hurt, and quite frankly his attitude stinks enough I'd encourage you to leave even in that circumstance.

[creepqveen]

i've brought up us divorcing so he can be with someone who's willing to have sex and he's always said that he doesn't want to sleep with anyone else, just with me.

There is a pattern in your posts where all your reasoning for not breaking up seems to come down to what he wants, not what you want.

i honestly don't know what to do at this point, every time we try to talk about sex it turns into an argument, i breakdown into tears, he says it's fine he wont mention it again, give it a few months and repeat the whole thing over again.

Why is breaking up with him not an option?

well, it is an option, just not one that i'd like to make lightly.

i moved 2 states away from my home and family, from everything i've ever known to be able to be with him, and i guess i'd like to try and be able to sort through this (if possible).

i took my wedding vows very seriously, i guess i don't want to give up on the marriage because sex (or lack of) is an issue, but knowing that i might have to is a reality ):

[creepqveen]

Like Tar said, you need to focus on what you want, not him. I can practically feel the hurt through your posts, you're not happy at all and I think you know that you would be happier without all this stress. Unless he suddenly becomes ok with not having sex again I think this is a cycle that's just going to keep repeating itself and you are going to continue to hurt, and quite frankly his attitude stinks enough I'd encourage you to leave even in that circumstance.

all i'd really like at this point is to be able to hug him and not have to think about it becoming sexual.

i understand what you both are saying, i guess i just dont want to face the fact that i'll never not feel like i'm 'broken' if his view on it doesnt change

[Anthracite_Impreza]

Of course you don't, that's completely understandable. You've built a life with this guy and I'm sure he has redeeming features, but at the end of the day the way he's currently treating you isn't right. He should be listening to you and trying to compromise, not blame you and think only of himself. And don't ever think of yourself as broken, you aren't. You are who you are and there will be other compatible people out there if you move on.

I hope we're wrong and you manage to convince him of the error of his ways and you two can happily continue, but please do consider moving on as an option if this continues. You don't deserve the hurt.

[creepqveen]

Of course you don't, that's completely understandable. You've built a life with this guy and I'm sure he has redeeming features, but at the end of the day the way he's currently treating you isn't right. He should be listening to you and trying to compromise, not blame you and think only of himself. And don't ever think of yourself as broken, you aren't. You are who you are and there will be other compatible people out there if you move on.

I hope we're wrong and you manage to convince him of the error of his ways and you two can happily continue, but please do consider moving on as an option if this continues. You don't deserve the hurt.

thank you.

i think i feel another long D&M in the works, fingers crossed it can go well.

[Telecaster68]

Yeah he's not handling it well, and I say that as a husband of a functionally asexual wife. The others are right - what you do with your body is up to you. That's not to say it doesn't have consequences obviously, and its just disingenuous to say there's no expectation that sex will be part of a marriage, but even so, getting aggressive about it is just wrong. He knew you weren't keen on sex when you got married. And Tar is right - you have every right to think about you and put what you need first. It's hard for him but it's hard for you too.

All I can offer is some insight into what he might be feeling. It's not intended as justification, but since you're both going to have to find a way to get past this impasse, empathy can only help. It would be great if he could get the equivalent from another asexual woman on here.

I'm guessing he's terrified and that might be where the aggression is coming from. He's going to have to choose between abandoning the life he dreamed of creating with the woman he loves and never having sex again. That sounds like a no brainer to asexuals, but to us sexuals no sex ever again is pretty much up there with chronic illness. We have no idea how or if we'll deal with it. Emotionally, we're feeling totally rejected as people, not just sexually, and while we understand rationally its not personal, emotionally, it takes huge amounts of effort, all the time (not just when we're rejected, but because we know its an ongoing blanket rejection) to not feel hurt and angry. Imagine he'd said 'I'm never going to cuddle you or talk to you again but I still love you, don't be angry, and honestly its not personal'. I guess in a way, his anger at you is just as impersonal as your rejection of him.

He may well have told you this stuff... If not, as I say, I'm just trying to explain things that may have got lost in the resentment. He really needs to get past that and start being an adult about it.

Taking sex off the table so he's not getting rejected and you're not getting stressed right actually reset things a bit, but it's only a start. You need to figure out a compromise between you when you're not both in a total state about it.

One question - is your pain the cause of you not wanting sex? Or is it a result of the stress, and spiralling from there?

[creepqveen]

Yeah he's not handling it well, and I say that as a husband of a functionally asexual wife. The others are right - what you do with your body is up to you. That's not to say it doesn't have consequences obviously, and its just disingenuous to say there's no expectation that sex will be part of a marriage, but even so, getting aggressive about it is just wrong. He knew you weren't keen on sex when you got married. And Tar is right - you have every right to think about you and put what you need first. It's hard for him but it's hard for you too.

All I can offer is some insight into what he might be feeling. It's not intended as justification, but since you're both going to have to find a way to get past this impasse, empathy can only help. It would be great if he could get the equivalent from another asexual woman on here.

I'm guessing he's terrified and that might be where the aggression is coming from. He's going to have to choose between abandoning the life he dreamed of creating with the woman he loves and never having sex again. That sounds like a no brainer to asexuals, but to us sexuals no sex ever again is pretty much up there with chronic illness. We have no idea how or if we'll deal with it. Emotionally, we're feeling totally rejected as people, not just sexually, and while we understand rationally its not personal, emotionally, it takes huge amounts of effort, all the time (not just when we're rejected, but because we know its an ongoing blanket rejection) to not feel hurt and angry. Imagine he'd said 'I'm never going to cuddle you or talk to you again but I still love you, don't be angry, and honestly its not personal'. I guess in a way, his anger at you is just as impersonal as your rejection of him.

He may well have told you this stuff... If not, as I say, I'm just trying to explain things that may have got lost in the resentment. He really needs to get past that and start being an adult about it.

Taking sex off the table so he's not getting rejected and you're not getting stressed right actually reset things a bit, but it's only a start. You need to figure out a compromise between you when you're not both in a total state about it.

One question - is your pain the cause of you not wanting sex? Or is it a result of the stress, and spiralling from there?

this is all really, really helpful.

he has actually said in the past that he feels completely ugly and rejected as far as me not wanting sex, but that he also doesn't want to push me to do it because he can literally feel when it becomes uncomfortable for me.

i'm more than happy and willing to come to a compromise we're both happy with, it just seems that the conversation never really gets there unfortunately.

the pain is a result of the stress. i have a very 'get in and get out' attitude towards it, whereas he wants it to be a very slow, special, loving experience (not a complaint), but the longer it goes on the more stressed i become, the less i enjoy it, and it (usually) always ends poorly.

[Telecaster68]

It's great you're able to compromise, and hopefully he'll find a way to as well.

For most sexuals, a massive part of sex is our partner's pleasure and it sounds like he can't get his head round the idea you don't really get any (and that's when it's going well...). He wants you to desire him, and that's not going to happen either, and its nobody's fault, but it's something else to get past. On the other hand, if you do get pleasure out of giving him pleasure, it's something to work with. Could oral or manual be a way forward, or is he one of those guys who doesn't think it counts if it's not PIV?

I'm on my tablet here so I don't know how to do the spoiler thing, so avert your eyes if you're sensitive...

The slow and gentle thing is great but if it's horrible for you, then there's probably not much pleasure in it for him. And if you want to get it over with quick, he can just, um, go for it, which isn't always a bad thing...

(And yes, this is the voice of a bit of experience here. We're a year down the road and it's slowly, like really slowly, showing signs of getting better, and for a long while I didn't think it would)

[creepqveen]

It's great you're able to compromise, and hopefully he'll find a way to as well.

For most sexuals, a massive part of sex is our partner's pleasure and it sounds like he can't get his head round the idea you don't really get any (and that's when it's going well...). He wants you to desire him, and that's not going to happen either, and its nobody's fault, but it's something else to get past. On the other hand, if you do get pleasure out of giving him pleasure, it's something to work with. Could oral or manual be a way forward, or is he one of those guys who doesn't think it counts if it's not PIV?

im not a fan of oral so that's not really a good option.

but he's happy with any kind of contact we have sexually even if it's (a bit TMI) him touching himself while touching me (as to avoid penetrative sex).

a big part of the problem is his insistence, if he didn't mention it/bring it up so much and get so angry i would try to work harder with him on being more comfortable with sexual things, but right now it just really fells like a bit of an attack and something that i'd have to do to keep him happy.

[Telecaster68]

Yeah learning to shut up about it is hard, and scary - it's an act of faith that the asexual partner isn't going to go 'thank you very much, that's sex over then, since you're apparently fine without, despite all your whining'... But my experience is that it has to be done.

Scheduling sex sounds a bit calculated, but it woukd mean he knows when it *is* going to happen and the deal would be he doesn't pester or more the rest of the time. Anything to take away the stress round the whole deal is good at this point, in my experience.

[Tarfeather]

I think there is only one fair thing for you to do. Give him a choice between no sex, ever, or ending the marriage / relationship. If he's not okay with no sex ever, then he will ruin his own life by continuing this. There's just no way he's ever going to be satisfied with what you have to offer, sexually.

Regarding "taking your marriage vows seriously", I'm sorry, but this from my perspective seems like grasping at straws to keep an unhealthy relationship going. It sounds like you're both still young, so I would recommend not throwing away these precious years of your young life on a relationship that's simply not working. If he's okay with not having sex, that's fine, but if he's not, then both of you should look into other options rather sooner than later.

[creepqveen]

Yeah learning to shut up about it is hard, and scary - it's an act of faith that the asexual partner isn't going to go 'thank you very much, that's sex over then, since you're apparently fine without, despite all your whining'... But my experience is that it has to be done.

Scheduling sex sounds a bit calculated, but it woukd mean he knows when it *is* going to happen and the deal would be he doesn't pester or more the rest of the time. Anything to take away the stress round the whole deal is good at this point, in my experience.

it's super helpful to be hearing (what i'm assuming my husband is most likely feeling) this without any anger/aggression.

i actually don't have a problem with scheduling it, i just dont know if that would create even more problems as i cant image the frequency i would want it would be what he would want, but i'm willing to give it a try to see if it helps any.

[Tarfeather]

Yeah learning to shut up about it is hard, and scary - it's an act of faith that the asexual partner isn't going to go 'thank you very much, that's sex over then, since you're apparently fine without, despite all your whining'... But my experience is that it has to be done.

Scheduling sex sounds a bit calculated, but it woukd mean he knows when it *is* going to happen and the deal would be he doesn't pester or more the rest of the time. Anything to take away the stress round the whole deal is good at this point, in my experience.

it's super helpful to be hearing (what i'm assuming my husband is most likely feeling) this without any anger/aggression.

i actually don't have a problem with scheduling it, i just dont know if that would create even more problems as i cant image the frequency i would want it would be what he would want, but i'm willing to give it a try to see if it helps any.

Yes, don't. My girlfriend actually did the right thing, in that when she noticed that by giving me more, I would just want even more, she just stopped giving me anything. It took me a few months, but that really sobered me up. As I said in my previous post, there's just no way you can sexually satisfy him. Doing anything at all with him sexually must base on that premise, you both must be clear on that. You're not compromising to make him sexually fulfilled, you're compromising to share a kind of intimacy that you both can enjoy in your own way.

[0000011113333]

i had a similar experience with a boyfriend though i guess on a much less serious level because we weren't married or even been together very long. he always talked about wanting sex, wanting certain sex acts and things. Overtime i gave in, the pain was just crazy, i would hide behind his face so i could cry and cramp my hands from keeping them clenched up for so long. it got to the point where i didn't want him to touch me either because hugs always managed to turn into sex for him. i ended up breaking it off because i knew he could never reach a compromise, he would get so angry and frustrated from me just avoiding kisses.

[Frigid Pink]

I'm sorry you're struggling with this. Sounds like a very tough situation and I've experienced similar, although not always related to sexual incompatibilities.

I definitely agree with what many people have already said, especially that anyone (regardless of sexual orientation) always has the option to say "no" to sex (that's the gist of consent). Nobody is entitled to sex because they're in a relationship with someone (regardless of sexual orientation). "Sex (and even relationships) are privileges that can freely be refused, withheld and/or revoked at any time and for any reason."

I'd acknowledge and admit to myself whether or not I'm really happy in this relationship and can continue with things as they are (vs. hoping that things will change or trying to change the other person).

It's best to accept people for who they are and decide whether or not we're okay, comfortable, and happy with who they are now vs. who they might change to be. If we're not, then that's okay. I don't think love has to be so painful and I highly recommend this article about it:

http://broadblogs.com/2015/04/13/pleasure-wound-vs-pleasure-love/

Unfortunately, if there's an incompatibility, then there's no workable "solution," (love isn't enough) and it sounds like that may be the case here, and that's okay. It's up to you to decide what is and isn't tolerable. Overall, it's important to remember that your wants/needs/desires are just as important as those of your partner and a "solution" is one that works for both of you and is about the happiness of both people and not just one person.

Scheduling sex sounds a bit calculated, but it woukd mean he knows when it *is* going to happen and the deal would be he doesn't pester or more the rest of the time. Anything to take away the stress round the whole deal is good at this point, in my experience.

While I think scheduled sex is a great idea, I also think there are bigger issues that need to be addressed in this relationship first (such as entitlement issues) and I'm not sure I could share partnered sex with someone under these circumstances without it being emotionally harmful for me to do so.

I highly recommend these articles:

http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/knowing-when-to-work-at-your-relationship-p2-questions-to-ask-yourself-key-signs/

http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/do-you-want-to-be-in-a-battle-or-a-relationship/

http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/knowing-the-line-between-putting-you-first-and-being-selfish/

I hope the above is helpful to you in some way and I wish you the best as you decide what to do!

[Telecaster68]

Honestly Pink, from what she's said about having quiet discussions, and having some insight into being on the sexual side of this, it may well be he's just handling it really badly rather than there being some underlying fatal fracture. Or maybe I'm just feeling optimistic ...

OP - how is the rest of your relationship BTW?

[Star Bit]

Do not have sex if it's painful; you're damaging your vagina. You may not be aroused enough for your body to secrete a proper amount of lubrication (in that case add some to his parts beforehand) and or you may be clinching your vagina (which if this has happened with previous partners then it's called vaginismus, but not something you need to fix if you don't want to sexually compromise for other reasons). And actually, he's the one who got married with these problems already existing; he's the one who signed up for it. And his entitlement to sex is wrong too; no one owes him sex, or anything for that matter. No matter how great the relationship is otherwise, what promises were made, how long it's been going on, or how much you love him, a major issue is a major issue and love can not fix everything. You need to realize when you're in an unhealthy relationship and remember that the objective for a relationship is to be healthy. Which, you both then either need to come to a comfortable compromise or end it. Do not stay in a relationship because of Fear, Obligation, or Guilt; those are relationship killers, and at the least unhealthy. Know that there are asexual dating sites, asexual meetups scheduled on and off of AVEN, and some sexual people are even ok with a sexless relationship. So there factually are fish in the sea for you. He is not your only chance at happiness, nor are you his. Remember that a relationship is about TWO people and BOTH of their needs and incapabilities are EQUALLY important. You are important in a relationship and nothing is wrong with you.

[Sally]

Scheduled sex would only work if the sexual would understand that it's a big compromise on the part of the asexual, and that it would not mean that the asexual would really love having the sex if it were on a schedule. Just the thought of a schedule makes me feel like it would be, for the asexual, having to look forward to a dentist appointment every week or so.

I think the best advice is this, from Frigid: "It's best to accept people for who they are and decide whether or not we're okay, comfortable, and happy with who they are now vs. who they might change to be."

That goes for the sexual and the asexual. It's unlikely that either of you will change, because he naturally wants sex and you naturally don't want sex.

[Telecaster68]

Possibly, but she did say

"i actually don't have a problem with scheduling it, i just dont know if that would create even more problems as i cant image the frequency i would want it would be what he would want, but i'm willing to give it a try to see if it helps any."

And the pain is from the stress of the situation, so maybe if there's a way of getting past that, since she's said she's okay with some kinds of sexual contact, maybe it can be resolved. Or maybe not.

[Star Bit]

O-o Why was part of my comment deleted? I saw it posted and even edited it afterwards.

Anyways, the rest of my comment said your options are:

1) your partner becomes ok with a sexless relationship (it may help to explain asexuality to him, though keep in mind some sexual people just can't wrap their heads around the concept)

2) there are other ways to have sex other than traditional heterosexual sex (should i list them?), so if your partner does not need that then the next option is that your partner becomes ok with the amount of sex you can comfortably give, but they'd also have to be comfortable with you not emotionally reciprocating during sex too

3) you have an open relationship or polyamorous relationship

or 4) you end what is not working due to a perfectly valid and common issue (sex problems happen to most sexually active people regardless of orientation, and it's typically a breaking point for many marriages)

i'm more than happy and willing to come to a compromise we're both happy with, it just seems that the conversation never really gets there unfortunately.

then you need to make it happen

[creepqveen]

sorry for disappearing, it was nearing 5am here (australia) and i fell asleep.

Honestly Pink, from what she's said about having quiet discussions, and having some insight into being on the sexual side of this, it may well be he's just handling it really badly rather than there being some underlying fatal fracture. Or maybe I'm just feeling optimistic ...

OP - how is the rest of your relationship BTW?

to be honest, the rest of our relationship is pretty good.

we're there for each other when the other needs it (this past 12 months has been particularly rough for me personally, i became quite unwell in our first 12 months of marriage and he's done a pretty good job of being there for me through out it all)

we (apart from this) get along well, enjoy each others company, enjoy spending time together doing things we both like (going to markets, seeing movies etc)

I'm sorry you're struggling with this. Sounds like a very tough situation and I've experienced similar, although not always related to sexual incompatibilities.

I definitely agree with what many people have already said, especially that anyone (regardless of sexual orientation) always has the option to say "no" to sex (that's the gist of consent). Nobody is entitled to sex because they're in a relationship with someone (regardless of sexual orientation). "Sex (and even relationships) are privileges that can freely be refused, withheld and/or revoked at any time and for any reason."

I'd acknowledge and admit to myself whether or not I'm really happy in this relationship and can continue with things as they are (vs. hoping that things will change or trying to change the other person).

It's best to accept people for who they are and decide whether or not we're okay, comfortable, and happy with who they are now vs. who they might change to be. If we're not, then that's okay. I don't think love has to be so painful and I highly recommend this article about it:

http://broadblogs.com/2015/04/13/pleasure-wound-vs-pleasure-love/

Unfortunately, if there's an incompatibility, then there's no workable "solution," (love isn't enough) and it sounds like that may be the case here, and that's okay. It's up to you to decide what is and isn't tolerable. Overall, it's important to remember that your wants/needs/desires are just as important as those of your partner and a "solution" is one that works for both of you and is about the happiness of both people and not just one person.

Scheduling sex sounds a bit calculated, but it woukd mean he knows when it *is* going to happen and the deal would be he doesn't pester or more the rest of the time. Anything to take away the stress round the whole deal is good at this point, in my experience.

While I think scheduled sex is a great idea, I also think there are bigger issues that need to be addressed in this relationship first (such as entitlement issues) and I'm not sure I could share partnered sex with someone under these circumstances without it being emotionally harmful for me to do so.

I highly recommend these articles:

http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/knowing-when-to-work-at-your-relationship-p2-questions-to-ask-yourself-key-signs/

http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/do-you-want-to-be-in-a-battle-or-a-relationship/

http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/knowing-the-line-between-putting-you-first-and-being-selfish/

I hope the above is helpful to you in some way and I wish you the best as you decide what to do!

thank you for the links, i will definitely check them out!

i do agree that i'm not a fan of his entitled attitude, this is only place in the relationship it pops up (there's never any, 'well i'm the man, cook me dinner', etc) so i guess i'm hopeful that we can eventually come to a compromise we're both ok with.

i knew that getting involved with a sexual person was always going to be difficult, i think i just underestimate how difficult.

Do not have sex if it's painful; you're damaging your vagina. You may not be aroused enough for your body to secrete a proper amount of lubrication (in that case add some beforehand) and or you may be clinching your vagina (which if this has happened with previous partners it's called vaginismus). And actually, he's the one who got married with these problems already existing; he's the one who signed up for it. And his entitlement to sex is wrong too; no one owes him sex, or anything for that matter. No matter how great the relationship is otherwise, what promises were made, how long it's been going on, or how much you love him, a major issue is a major issue and love can not fix everything. You need to realize when you're in an unhealthy relationship and remember that the objective for a relationship is to be healthy. Which, you both then either need to come to a comfortable compromise or end it. Do not stay in a relationship because of Fear, Obligation, or Guilt; those are relationship killer and at the least unhealthy. Know that there are asexual dating sites, asexual meetups scheduled on and off of AVEN, and some sexual people are even ok with a sexless relationship. Remember that a relationship is about TWO people and BOTH of their needs and incapabilities are EQUALLY important. You are important in a relationship and nothing is wrong with you.

i really feel like i need to point out that when we got engaged/married we did have sex, it just wasn't a lot, and became less and less and then it stopped all together.

i didn't really realise fully until we got married that i was asexual.

i really do appreciate what you're saying, and thank you for saying it.

and i will admit that times when we have had sex and it's stopped being any kind of pleasurable and started hurting he has always completely stopped and we've just cuddled after that.

we do need to talk about it, and be very honest with one another though.

Scheduled sex would only work if the sexual would understand that it's a big compromise on the part of the asexual, and that it would not mean that the asexual would really love having the sex if it were on a schedule. Just the thought of a schedule makes me feel like it would be, for the asexual, having to look forward to a dentist appointment every week or so.

I think the best advice is this, from Frigid: "It's best to accept people for who they are and decide whether or not we're okay, comfortable, and happy with who they are now vs. who they might change to be."

That goes for the sexual and the asexual. It's unlikely that either of you will change, because he naturally wants sex and you naturally don't want sex.

i never had too much of a problem with anything sexual once i told him i was asexual because what it came down to was, i dont actually want to have sex when you want to (i'm willing to sometimes though, albeit very rarely) as i really dont enjoy it that much at all, but you can touch me if youd like to, which he was honestly fine with.

his problem now is that i havent let him touch me in a very long while.

i became unwell, and was, and currently am, in pain most of the time, became very badly depressed (more so than usual) and any little feeling of okayness towards sexual things became nonexistent because of those issues.

O-o Why was part of my comment deleted? I saw it posted and even edited it afterwards.

Anyways, the rest of my comment said your options are:

1) your partner becomes ok with a sexless relationship (it may help to explain asexuality to him, though keep in mind some sexual people just can't wrap their heads around the concept)

2) there are other ways to have sex other than traditional heterosexual sex (should i list them?), so if your partner does not need that then the next option is that your partner becomes ok with the amount of sex you can comfortably give

3) you have an open relationship or polyamorous relationship

or 4) you end what is not working due to a perfectly valid and common issue (sex problems happen to most sexually active people regardless of orientation, and it's typically a breaking point for many)

i'm more than happy and willing to come to a compromise we're both happy with, it just seems that the conversation never really gets there unfortunately.

then you need to make it happen

i realise, after all of these helpful replies we definitely will have a lot to talk about, and i have a lot to consider.

[creepqveen]

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tSs2dXDf1Zs

this was in his recent history on youtube (was looking for a particular video i'd watched and we both use his account on youtube since we use the same computer, so i saw this)

i'm not really sure what to make of it?

[Sally]

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tSs2dXDf1Zs

this was in his recent history on youtube (was looking for a particular video i'd watched and we both use his account on youtube since we use the same computer, so i saw this)

i'm not really sure what to make of it?

Maybe it's my old age, but I'm a little leery about looking at someone's YT page, unless that person knew.

[creepqveen]

this was in his recent history on youtube (was looking for a particular video i'd watched and we both use his account on youtube since we use the same computer, so i saw this) i'm not really sure what to make of it?

Maybe it's my old age, but I'm a little leery about looking at someone's YT page, unless that person knew.

As I said, its a computer we both use, that's always logged in with his information, plus he's given me access (passwords and verbal consent) to all his social sites (facebook, gmail, youtube, etc).