My Story (emotional abuse warning)

[Seekerstar]

This might be long, perhaps a little drawn out, and probably not too nice on places. It's all true, though, and I just don't know what to do anymore.

I've been lurking here for a few months after trying to "figure out what's wrong with me". I use those words in quotes because they're not mine; I just hear them every day of my life.

I'm 36 years old, and female. I've been married for eleven years to a man who started out as a manipulative yet kind individual, but is now a manipulative jackass. We have four children.

I've never been one to be touched. I don't like it, and I theorized that it was because of my childhood experiences. Might be a bit tmi, but I never had a problem orgasming, I just don't initiate sex. There are a million things I'd rather do than have sex.

That said, I escaped a physically abusive relationship to be with my spouse. He seemed amazing at first, he had everything I thought I wanted.

Until he informed me that we'd never have our own place, that he was perfectly content to live with his family members forever. I wasn't happy, but what could I do? I learned very early on that to speak against him would invite a deep examination of all my flaws in exacting detail.

We had our first child right before he chose to go AWOL from the military. He blamed me 100%, because I had severe postpartum depression and wasn't sure I could handle an infant alone, living with his dad. So he just didn't show up and he sat on his ass and let me get a fast food job to support us, until I lost my job.

Two years later, I became pregnant again and he cheated on me for the first time. Right after we'd gotten married, he confessed that he was bisexual. I wasn't upset about that; I just told him that he should have been honest with me from the start.

The day it happened, I knew something was up. I don't like being lied to, even though I've done more than my fair share of lying.

After a ton of drama that I'm not going into, our relationship had deteriorated to the point where nothing I ever did was good enough. I had an online affair that was largely emotional, though I did travel to sleep with the guy for some reason, probably because he wanted to.

I guess I'm used to giving in.

Fast forward to now. I live in what feels like prison. I must ask for necessities, I am not permitted to have money or drive, and if I wanted a job I'm told that I must walk the thirty miles to and from town to get there. Daily I hear of my inadequate efforts- it all comes down to shoving a penis into my vagina and I DON'T LIKE OR WANT TO HAVE SEX. Clearly, normal people don't feel this way, it's yet another flaw I have, so it's all excuses.

I don't want to be touched by anyone.

Don't want to be kissed.

Definitely don't want someone invading my body.

Especially someone who says flat out that I'm a contemptible creature, that people don't know me or they'd hatee, and that I'm worthless. All this, because I don't want to let someone use my body and I don't like physical affection.

I guess I'd be asexual, or just beaten down and know nothing else. He doesn't hit me with fists, so there's no options I can take to leave because I've been so isolated for song that I have literally no one to turn to for help. No money, no transportation, no nothing.

I'm going to lose my mind.

[oldgeeza]

I don't know where in the world you live, but you are basically imprisoned, of which there are laws against this sort of thing, as you have access to the internet, you could get in touch with the local authorities using the net, do you have any family you can turn to?

My father did the same to my mother when we were kids, he moved us over to Wales, in that part of Wales, the people were racist, we, being English were scum, even the police wouldn't help an English person, the situation has changed, my parents are now divorced, we are back in England, my father moved back to Wales, apparently married again, he is a wife beater, racist, homophobic, evil man, unfortunately, he is above the law, they will not touch him because of who he is, but that is one minor case, you may have more luck by looking on the net for your legal rights.

Good luck

[Seekerstar]

I live in the USA.

I've looked into my rights and unless I can prove abuse, I can't get assistance from a women's shelter. As words leave no visible marks, that doesn't help. He's stated that he'll take the kids, and his mother with whom we live will help him. I've tried to reach out to her and she says that I'm the one who married him, I have to deal with it.

My mother is aware but is disabled, living on a fixed income. She can't do anything for me. I have no one else.

If I leave, I will not be allowed to take anything, even clothing, as that is "his because he paid for it". Do I believe he'd make me go naked? Yeah. I do. It would be another way to humiliate me, because he knows full well that I hate being undressed for any reason.

My only freedom is the internet, off my phone. I erase my history each time I use it because he goes through it, my texts, and my calls at will. Luckily I'm smarter than he is and know how to hide things.

I vacillate between disgust and apathy. At this point, I almost feel as though I deserve it, that if I weren't such a screwup I wouldn't be in this situation. I wouldn't make him have to tell me every day if I fixed it.

Then my rational mind kicks in, telling me that only a small person with no self-worth drags others down to build themselves up.

[Frigid Pink]

I think you're in a very abusive, toxic, and unhealthy relationship and I hope you can somehow manage to get free of this person and this situation. I'm sorry I don't have any other helpful advice to give at the moment. It's definitely not your fault and you don't deserve abuse.

Check out this website:

http://www.breakthecycle.org/blog/leaving-emotionally-abusive-relationship

[Corretto]

Contrary to what you may often see sourced from new members; I'd back-off on the [a]sexual lable-seeking vibes right now, and get yourself into an environment you're at ease with. Your current sit'n sounds a shocker in every respect. Even your self-condemning, explanation-seeking, will do you is doing you no good.

It'll be a tough challenge; but get out of your present social and mental environment and start afresh. I'd leave him behind and all he stands for, and move on.

Believe me, "not hitting [you] with fists" may not leave behind superficial damage but his behavior as you see it will be doing a lot of damage elsewhere...particularly in you mind. Good luck.

[Guest]

You may think you've looked into your legal rights, but in the U.S., since you're married, you have rights to assets. He married you, he doesn't get to take all your stuff and leave you naked, that's not how that works. Beyond the fact some assets are considered shared, there is also the fact things like your clothes would probably count as gifts (so no longer his, even though he paid for them). Also, there are women's shelters and charities that focus on more than just PHYSICAL abuse, they even offer help for financial abuse (denying money so the person cannot escape). Some of them are national. Get in contact with someone that can help you find resources. Don't fall for "he's not hitting me, so I can't get help". There are crowdfunding sites, there are charities (purple purse recently did an event specifically about financial abuse being just as dangerous, if not more so, than physical abuse). You can get help. It's out there. You just have to find it, which might take a little bit of work, depending on where you live.

I wouldn't worry about the label right now. You're from one abusive relationship to another and that will make it way too confusing to sort through your feelings and find the label that is right for you. You need to get out, get your life on track THEN worry about that stuff.

http://leavingabuse.com/financial-abuse-help/

http://www.mamashealth.com/abuse/finabuse.asp

https://www.womenshealth.gov/violence-against-women/types-of-violence/emotional-abuse.html

Your local shelter may not offer help for getting out beyond physical abuse, but expand your search. If you have to take some of your stuff (yes, YOUR stuff) and pawn it to get a bus ticket to get to a shelter that would help you, then do it. Don't let him manipulate and scare you into staying, when you are obviously not happy there. If you leave, do it at a time when he's out of the house, or ask for an officer to help you move out.

As for your kids, he can't just take them. He would have to sue for custody. A lawyer would be able to help you sort out how to handle that court case (some will do free consultations).

[Chardog]

Denying you freedom, making you ask for necessities, keeping you isolated- those things are abuse whether they leave marks or not and you need to reach out for help. You aren't the only person who has been in this type of situation. Psychological abuse is still abuse.

[Seekerstar]

I know it's abuse. Half of me is convinced that I deserve it. The other half tells me I need to get out before I have a nervous breakdown.

The financial situation isn't good, and we have no real assets. We're on some dhs assistance. Due to things I did a long time ago, I'm not certain that I'd gain custody of the kids, primarily because of mental health reasons (three years ago I attempted suicide).

The area I live in is very rural and somewhat closed minded. I've called the local DV shelter but their criteria is imminent physical danger. There's probably others in the city nearest me, but not only do I not have transportation to a pawn shop, I don't have anything to pawn. All stuff we own is from rent to own places, leased, in his name only. The car is in his name only and I've been told that if I take it, he'll have me arrested for stealing it.

I could hitchhike but that rather precludes taking four kids with me, my four cats as well.

I'm trapped by bindings composed of affection (for my kids and pets) and psychological torture. I can't be as bad as he says. I can't. Nobody is that bad.

Thank you all for moral support and links. I know I need to do something. I'm terrified, though. I'm so scared and lost and isolated that I don't know if I'm strong enough to do anything.

[Seekerstar]

I know it's abuse. Half of me is convinced that I deserve it. The other half tells me I need to get out before I have a nervous breakdown.

The financial situation isn't good, and we have no real assets. We're on some dhs assistance. Due to things I did a long time ago, I'm not certain that I'd gain custody of the kids, primarily because of mental health reasons (three years ago I attempted suicide).

The area I live in is very rural and somewhat closed minded. I've called the local DV shelter but their criteria is imminent physical danger. There's probably others in the city nearest me, but not only do I not have transportation to a pawn shop, I don't have anything to pawn. All stuff we own is from rent to own places, leased, in his name only. The car is in his name only and I've been told that if I take it, he'll have me arrested for stealing it.

I could hitchhike but that rather precludes taking four kids with me, my four cats as well.

I'm trapped by bindings composed of affection (for my kids and pets) and psychological torture. I can't be as bad as he says. I can't. Nobody is that bad.

Thank you all for moral support and links. I know I need to do something. I'm terrified, though. I'm so scared and lost and isolated that I don't know if I'm strong enough to do anything.

[Guest]

Contact some of the national hotlines to get resources. There are charities that will come out and HELP move out of an abusive home, see if any are around your area. Also help abused women find jobs and a place to stay until they are back on their feet. Don't stop at just one shelter. Keep looking. Also, if all else fails, start a gofundme and see if you can get any help via social networking. You don't have to do it in your name, make an account under an assumed name to spread your story, that way he won't find out. Email popular blogs to see if they'll run your story. Keep fighting to find a way out. Even if it takes a while, you deserve to be out of that situation. Where there is a will, there is a way. My grandmother escaped her abusive husband finally by just taking her kids and walking out with the clothes that were being worn and she made it. It's scary getting away when you don't have much, but she was / is much happier even though the first little bit sucked.

For the legal issue of your mental health and his abusiveness, contact a lawyer and see if you can get a free consultation about what you should do. Also, the national DV hotlines will have some resources for those situations, it's a common one (custody concerns).

No one, no one deserves to be treated the way you have described. Period. Full stop. So tell that half of you to be quiet. I know it's hard, but you deserve a life, not enslavement to him due to his making you financially dependent on him.

[Chihiro]

Seekerstar, you are clearly in a very abusive condition and I suggest that you get out of this situation. As others suggested seek a shelter who can help. Call some national hotlines who can probably give you name of such shelters. You can use internet (like gmail hangout) to make a call so that he cannot track. Even if you have to leave your children behind, I hope they are old enough to understand why you are doing it. Once you are in a stable situation, you can contact lawyers and get custody of your kids.

All the best and good luck. You deserve so much better!