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Demisexual and figuring out romantic orientation?


Crimstar

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I'm pretty confused as to what romantic orientation I am. Am I romantically attracted to women, men, everyone? I honestly can't figure this out. I am comfortable with my sexual orientation label (demi) for now, but my romantic orientation is a bit more difficult to pin point. I have definitely felt infatuation and sexual attraction for both genders, but only a handful of times, maybe 4? And only like 2 major seriously, 1 male online relationship and 1 female in person, and physical, relationship with my then best friend. The thing that brings this up is the current guy I'm seeing. He's really great, I just feel like I should feel more for him since he obviously feels a lot for me. I have made out with him, and I do not enjoy it, I feel no pleasure in it. I kiss him and feel...I guess nice? Maybe? It's all sort of grey.

I have though felt pleasure from making out before, and even in a sexual situation in bed, but it was with a girl, who was at the time my best friend for several years. I had all the "love" and "infatuation" things for her that I think people are talking about when trying to explain this stuff to me, but since that only happened once with a girl, I don't know if the reason I have trouble connecting romantically is because of the one specific guy I'm with, or because I may be homo/bi/pan-romantic? I have never enjoyed making out with guys. I get nothing from it. It's like a grey...nothing. With spit. With my old girlfriend it was different. I actually felt amazingly turned on by it. She crushed my heart into a million pieces and I was upset for years after she ended it, which is why I feel confident using this as an indication of romantic attraction and love, that also happened to get somewhat physical. I have not felt that level of romantic attraction to anyone ever again. I have a friend right now who I am over the moon for in a platonic way, who also feels she falls somewhere along the ace spectrum, and we have talked about dating, but it doesn't feel the same to me as when I was with my other friend many years ago. Again, I don't know if that's because of her specifically (my current friend) or because my previous girlfriend was just a one time thing.

I will point out that I am attracted to androgynous people. I actually find trans guys and gals to be the most appealing to me visually. I don't desire to have sex with them, or anyone, but I do experience arousal, I do have a libido (though not very active) and I do appreciate that they are arousing to me in certain contexts. This also does not help my confusion about romantic attraction either, because I have no idea who I should even be pursuing. I frequently fantasize about romantic relationships with people, and those people are usually less girly looking women, and trans men and trans women and even just androgynous individuals who I can't say for sure what gender they are or if they even have one make appearances in my dreams and fantasies. Sometimes I also fantasize about being in a relationship with a typical hegemonic male as well, though with my trust issues with males that look very stereo-typically masculine, they always feel strange and off putting and vaguely threatening. I don't fantasize about the sexual aspects of these relationships at all, I honestly want nothing more than someone who I can cuddle and feel protected and safe and just...right? I dunno if that's correct, I just have this overwhelming desire to have a relationship where for once my level of affection and the other person are on the same level, because up to now I've only had that once, with my first girlfriend and it was amazing and unique and just...not what I'm feeling now.

I'm not sure if I should I follow my aesthetic attraction, in which case my current boyfriend is not my type which maybe explains the grey feelings towards him, or should I follow...something else? I really just don't know.

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Personally, I'd say you sound homo-romantic from what you've wrote. Of course there's no way for another person to really know as you are the only one who can really say for sure but that's just what I think after reading this. I think that maybe you are attracted to certain "male" features and that's what causes the confusion but you just sound like you are more romantically interested in women than men to me.

Of course this is just my opinion and you shouldn't rely on other's opinions to tell you who you are. Whatever you feel most comfortable with is what's best in the end. :)

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scarletlatitude

Moving this to the Romantic and Aromantic Orientations forum, as I think you will get better responses there (TGA is meant more for sexual orientation discussions)

scarletlatitude

Gray Area mod

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A tangential point:

The excitement and infatuation and limerence feelings often don't happen all by themselves in isolation... they require encouragement. You know... you tell each other how much you like each other, and kinda... feed into each other's feelings, and nervousness and enthusiasm. If you're with someone who doesn't engage outwardly, even if they're feeling all that stuff inside, it's hard for that infatuation stuff to be expressed. Just something to keep in mind... crushes/ emotional connections/ limerence/ love... for most people it's a dynamic process, not a static process. It requires the participation of the other person to some degree.

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