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Asexual or Just Depressed?


PerennialDarkness

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PerennialDarkness
I've been quite confused about my sexual orientation for a while and am wondering if I'm asexual. For one, I'm a 17 year old guy and i've never had a "crush". I've never been sexually attracted to anyone, i've never kissed anybody, held anybodys hand, or been in any sort of relationship other than friendship before.


But I'm not sure if my depression has anything to do with this. For as long as I can remember, everything has felt so black and white. Life has felt hopeless and aimless. I've been very socially isolated and felt very numb for so long. Occasionally i'll develop maybe one friendship with somebody, and life will feel colourful again. But then i'll screw something up, lose the friend and revert back into the darkness so to speak. I've been alone most of my life.


But the point of this thread is to talk about my sexuality, so let me get back on topic. Around the age of 12 I discovered masturbation, and would masturbate many times a day. I would consistently fantasize about pretty much every person in my school, boys, girls didn't matter. I even fantasized about the teachers. But I don't think I've had sexual attraction per se, but then again I'm kinda hazy on the definition. I don't think I've looked at any person in public and on the spot fantasized about them or anything like that. But I feel as though my depression could have affected this greatly. As I mentioned before, most of my life I've been alone. I never really socialized, always walked alone during recess or whatever, always absorbed in my own negative thoughts, oblivious to the world around me. But even when I did interact with other people I was always very emotionally numb and distracted. So theres that.


One other thing I want to point out is my relationships with girls. Specifically that I've never had one. When I was younger I somehow got it into my head that looking at girls in any capacity was wrong, and so I've made a habit of never looking at girls directly and always turn away from them when I can. I'm not sure where I got these ideas from, my family did not tell me this, and nor me or my family were religious at all. But thats the habit I developed. Something about girls and women have always made me quite nervous, and so thats also made me avoid them. Even If I tried I couldn't explain why I feel this way, It just feels like I need some sort of confidence before socializing with girls, which Is something I have never had.


So yeah, I'm not sure If I'm an asexual or not. The only reason I question is because I've heard of so many allosexuals with depression say that they stop feeling sexual attraction when they're depressed. They claim the emotional numbing numbs all emotions, including sexual and romantic ones. I personally would love to have partnered sex, and just the thought of having sex with another person sounds incredibly hot and exciting, and I feel like the intimacy of it would be very pleasurable to. But these feeling are not directed toward any person per se. Personally, I would hate to live the rest of my life as a celibate.


Sorry for the long post btw.

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"Personally, I would hate to live the rest of my life as a celibate."

This line is key in my analysis of your post. I can only go with my own experiences with asexuality, and I've never heard anyone say this before. Personally I wouldn't mind living my life without sex at all, also asexuality isn't necessarily celibate - first of all because its not voluntarily, and secondly because many asexuals will have sex with their partners to keep them happy. This means that not having sex and being asexual isn't synonymous. However you say that your desire is not directed at anyone, which means that perhaps you are asexual after all.

However I'm ultimately landing on "probably not asexual ", as you say you would love to have partnered sex, and that you would hate to live without sex. Can't take these anything else than major clues. I don't really believe in this type of depression killing sexuality, I've anecdotes detailing how it might happen to mothers who've had their child die or other deeply traumatizing events.

If you're asexual or not isn't really that urgent of a matter to figure out however, when you eventually end up with a partner you will certainly find out, without much doubt which direction you lean in. A little thing you can though, is look at people you see whom you find attractive (gotta physically be in the same room as you for this experiment), and imagine having sex with them as you see them. Not just the thought of it but go through the specifics of how you'd actually do it. Are you repulsed? Do you feel nothing? Are you getting seriously turned on? If you are feeling sexual attraction, you are effectively allosexual.

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Nea Rose Symphony

If you've always been asexual there's a good proof that it isn't caused by depression. Or if you ever recall seeing someone and wanted sex with that person, then it just stopped then I'd say it's caused by depression. In the DSM-5, a diagnosis of a low sexual desire disorder can't be made if lack of sexual attraction to others/interest in sex with others doesn't cause distress in the individual

There's also gray asexual and demisexual you could look into to help you better understand yourself as well

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stonehengegirl

Depression can affect libido or the desire to have sex but I don't think it would turn someone who was not asexual into someone asexual.

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Colorado Ace Space

From an evolutionary stand-point, depression was triggered by infection and inflammation in the body. The depression would cause the individual to not want to socialize and basically just lay around. This would keep him or her from infecting others and give him or her the time to rest and heal. So, depression can absolutely affect your desire to be around other people. I, personally, don't think you will be able to accurately assess your sexual feelings toward others until your depression is alleviated.

Getting nervous or anxious around certain groups of people.--or people in general-- does not make one asexual. It sounds to me--from what you've said--- that you probably have depression and a social anxiety disorder, which is a very common coupling. People have commented on how I am so "calm" and "confident" around guys (I'm a girl) and ask how they can be that sexy and laid back around guys. I just laugh it off because I know it's due to my graysexuality...I am not worried about being attractive to the guy because I'm not attracted to the guy (99.9% of the time).

I think the number one thing you should focus on is getting help for your depression, and figuring out what's triguring it....underlying illness, poor diet, hormone imbalance, something in life making you "miserable," etc. Confidence will come when you are feeling good and with time and effort. I never spoke to anyone until second year of college when I decided to get a degree in Communication Studies and French (I forced myself to talk publically and in a group ten times a day). I'm 25 now and extremely confident and outgoing when I want to be. You'll figure it out, but please focus on your mental and physical health first and foremost.

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PerennialDarkness

A little thing you can though, is look at people you see whom you find attractive (gotta physically be in the same room as you for this experiment), and imagine having sex with them as you see them. Not just the thought of it but go through the specifics of how you'd actually do it. Are you repulsed? Do you feel nothing? Are you getting seriously turned on? If you are feeling sexual attraction, you are effectively allosexual.

Oh, is that what sexual attraction is? I assumed that sexual attraction was involuntary, that you don't have to put effort into initiating the sexual thought sequence. I have tried that and I do get aroused, but maybe I am just aroused at the sexual nature of the thoughts rather than just the person? Just like when I watch porn; Maybe I'm turned on by the situation, not the person?

If you've always been asexual there's a good proof that it isn't caused by depression. Or if you ever recall seeing someone and wanted sex with that person, then it just stopped then I'd say it's caused by depression. In the DSM-5, a diagnosis of a low sexual desire disorder can't be made if lack of sexual attraction to others/interest in sex with others doesn't cause distress in the individual

There's also gray asexual and demisexual you could look into to help you better understand yourself as well

But ive always been depressed. This isn't a recent development, I can remember hating myself and feeling hopeless as far back as age 8.

From an evolutionary stand-point, depression was triggered by infection and inflammation in the body. The depression would cause the individual to not want to socialize and basically just lay around. This would keep him or her from infecting others and give him or her the time to rest and heal. So, depression can absolutely affect your desire to be around other people. I, personally, don't think you will be able to accurately assess your sexual feelings toward others until your depression is alleviated.

Yeah I personally don't see that happening. If it were up to me I'd probably just sit home and wait for myself to starve to death. To just, fade out of existence. But unfortunately, I have people who care about me; making it very difficult to do that. But do you think that my depression could have stiffled my ability to develop sexual attraction at the "normal" age? I feel like an individual needs to be properly socialized(Have friends/peer group, spend time with other people etc.) to develop sexual attraction, something I didn't have.

Tbh, I do desire sex with other people, but all my desires feel so far away. So cold and distant. Its not a strong desire, more like a "I guess I want sex, but I guess I could go without it. It doesn't matter, nothing matters" etc. It just feels like my desires and the reality of them are so disconnected; from a very young age I thought of sex as something wrong, and didn't imagine anyone else having sexual fantasies at my age. I just saw myself as sort of a "sexual deviant' for having those fantasies, and maybe thats why Ive tried so hard to force those ideas into a "fantasy world" far away from reality.

I also don't see myself having sex anytime soon. Why would anybody settle for me?

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Nea Rose Symphony

Then... how do you think you feel? If you look within yourself and feel like lack of sexual desire/attraction is probably from depression then that's how it is. If you feel like it's separate from depression then you are asexual. If you can't tell, then you could still call yourself asexual I think because you experience the same that other asexuals feel. If you start feeling like calling yourself asexual isn't right at anytime you don't need to stick with the label anymore

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PerennialDarkness

Then... how do you think you feel? If you look within yourself and feel like lack of sexual desire/attraction is probably from depression then that's how it is. If you feel like it's separate from depression then you are asexual. If you can't tell, then you could still call yourself asexual I think because you experience the same that other asexuals feel. If you start feeling like calling yourself asexual isn't right at anytime you don't need to stick with the label anymore

I don't know, I just feel like I don't fit into any label. I mean sure I guess I technically fit into the Asexual Label, but I find that I don't at all relate to the life experiences of asexuals. I'll give you a few examples; I think about sex in essentially the same way as allosexuals. I understand the hype around sex and totally get why people would crave this activity so much. I think about sex everyday(or multiple times a day) in the form of fantasies and thoroughly enjoy porn very, very much. I desire partnered sex and would hate a life without it. But at the end of the day, I don't experience sexual attraction. And I can't help but feel that my extreme lifelong social isolation has something to do with this. Maybe If I actually talked to a single girl in my entire life I would have formed some sort of sexual attraction. Maybe.

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nanogretchen4

Depression certainly makes socializing more difficult. I think you are right that the main issue is that you would have to get to know some girls at least a little bit in order to be attracted to anyone specific. In my opinion the first step is making friends. You don't necessarily have to start by making friends with girls. Friends may introduce you to girls, or they may make you feel more comfortable in social gatherings where you may meet girls. In the meantime, it sounds like spending time with friends would reduce your depression. It works that way for me.

Figure out what social setting is least stressful for you and start there. When I'm depressed I can't deal with drunk extraverts, so bars and dance clubs aren't a great place for me to meet people. I've had good luck with classes and bookclubs. Some introverts like boardgames or some kind of fandom. Anyway, join some kind of small club and introduce yourself to everyone there. If you like you can mostly listen and look interested until you've seen everyone several times and feel comfortable talking more. After a month or two, repeat this process with a different small group. Don't expect to find a best friend or a girlfriend immediately. Just set up a routine of low key social activities and give it a little time.

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Nea Rose Symphony

I don't know, I just feel like I don't fit into any label. I mean sure I guess I technically fit into the Asexual Label, but I find that I don't at all relate to the life experiences of asexuals. I'll give you a few examples; I think about sex in essentially the same way as allosexuals. I understand the hype around sex and totally get why people would crave this activity so much. I think about sex everyday(or multiple times a day) in the form of fantasies and thoroughly enjoy porn very, very much. I desire partnered sex and would hate a life without it. But at the end of the day, I don't experience sexual attraction. And I can't help but feel that my extreme lifelong social isolation has something to do with this. Maybe If I actually talked to a single girl in my entire life I would have formed some sort of sexual attraction. Maybe.

Who knows? If you're young enough you may need more life experience to figure yourself out. Finding a way to best describe yourself shouldn't be top priority for you; finding your place in the world should be. There's more than just plain asexual and allosexual; there's gray asexual, demisexual, etc you can do research on. Asexuals may also be into sexual themes too, such as porn-I've heard that some asexuals can have fantasies and be into it. If labels don't fit you, well labels are good for the general population and may not fit specific individuals because each human varies greatly from one another. And even if two humans experience the same exact thing, they may label themselves totally differently because they interpret their similar experiences differently

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Colorado Ace Space

Honestly, it doesn't really sound like you're asexual....you just sound incredibly depressed.....

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