Sexual attraction and asexuals

[positron137]

Hey guys,

Im new here and I think im somewhere on the asexual spectrum between asexul and demisexual but not sure because of "sexual attraction". What can it mean to asexuals and how could I know if perhaps I really am on that spectrum or if im just lying to myself or using the wrong set of labels? Thx

[binary suns]

labels are guideposts. you are you.

[Guest]

Hi there.

I'm going to be honest. Sexual attraction is actually a relatively meaningless term as a defining factor for sexual orientation because not all Sexual people experience it and it often isn't a motivator in choosing sexual partners (though yes many sexual people often do choose sexual partners based on sexual attraction, but not all, and certainly not all the tine) Sexual attraction is just one expression of underlying, innate sexuality as opposed to a defining factor of it.

So what does that mean for an asexual? It means you can feel any kind of attraction and still be asexual as long as you don't have an underlying desire to connect sexually with other people. Many asexuals still have sex, obviously, often to try to make a sexual partner happy or to make a baby or in an attempt to "force themselves to be a regular sexual person".. but those are not having sex for the physical and/or emotional benefits of sex itself, which is the primary driving factor of why sexual people have sex.

I have experienced sexual attraction twice, and for me it felt like a very strong desire to connect sexually with someone. My body sort of took over and I couldn't stop thinking about sexual scenarios with the person, getting aroused etc etc.. However I wouldn't have actually *had* sex as I just don't desire sex and don't enjoy it when I do have it so yeah. I define my (a)sexuality as grey-asexual, Because I have obviously felt sexual attraction but not strongly enough to actually act on it, so I am still right down at the asexual end of the spectrum..it's the actual desire to connect sexually that's really important here.

Pretty much you can tell if you might be asexual like this:

If you could happily live in celibacy for the rest of your life, would you choose that? OR would you rather live the exact same happy life with the inclusion of partnered sex, as opposed to being celibate.

Neither of these choices effect your romantic relationships by the way, let's just assume that in the first option all the partners you ever have just happen to be aexual (yuss) and in the second all the partners are sexual.

If you'd happily choose the celibacy option and literally prefer that, you're probably on the asexual spectrum. If you'd choose the sexual partners option, well, you get the point. Or if you *would* have sex but only with someone you had spent years developing an emotional connection to, then that's demisexual.

And if you literally have no idea then maybe it's best to just give yourself more time until you can work out if you may be grey-asexual or demisexual (or sexual or asexual)

By the way, asexuals can still desire sensual contact and still be fully asexual. That's kissing, snuggling, massaging, bathing together, anything really that doesn't actually directly involve actually having sex (sex is partnered genital stimulation for the purpose of pleasure and/or orgasm)

And it's a common misconception that sexual attraction is "finding someone hot" .. you can still find people "hot" in all sorts of ways as long as you have no desire to connect sexually with them. Finding someone very attractive is just aesthetic and/or sensual and/or physical attraction, not sexual attraction.

Hope that helps. :)

[chromanebula]

Hi there.

I'm going to be honest. Sexual attraction is actually a relatively meaningless term as a defining factor for sexual orientation because not all Sexual people experience it and it often isn't a motivator in choosing sexual partners (though yes many sexual people often do choose sexual partners based on sexual attraction, but not all, and certainly not all the tine) Sexual attraction is just one expression of underlying, innate sexuality as opposed to a defining factor of it.

So what does that mean for an asexual? It means you can feel any kind of attraction and still be asexual as long as you don't have an underlying desire to connect sexually with other people. Many asexuals still have sex, obviously, often to try to make a sexual partner happy or to make a baby or in an attempt to "force themselves to be a regular sexual person".. but those are not having sex for the physical and/or emotional benefits of sex itself, which is the primary driving factor of why sexual people have sex.

I have experienced sexual attraction twice, and for me it felt like a very strong desire to connect sexually with someone. My body sort of took over and I couldn't stop thinking about sexual scenarios with the person, getting aroused etc etc.. However I wouldn't have actually *had* sex as I just don't desire sex and don't enjoy it when I do have it so yeah. I define my (a)sexuality as grey-asexual, Because I have obviously felt sexual attraction but not strongly enough to actually act on it, so I am still right down at the asexual end of the spectrum..it's the actual desire to connect sexually that's really important here.

Pretty much you can tell if you might be asexual like this:

If you could happily live in celibacy for the rest of your life, would you choose that? OR would you rather live the exact same happy life with the inclusion of partnered sex, as opposed to being celibate.

Neither of these choices effect your romantic relationships by the way, let's just assume that in the first option all the partners you ever have just happen to be aexual (yuss) and in the second all the partners are sexual.

If you'd happily choose the celibacy option and literally prefer that, you're probably on the asexual spectrum. If you'd choose the sexual partners option, well, you get the point. Or if you *would* have sex but only with someone you had spent years developing an emotional connection to, then that's demisexual.

And if you literally have no idea then maybe it's best to just give yourself more time until you can work out if you may be grey-asexual or demisexual (or sexual or asexual)

By the way, asexuals can still desire sensual contact and still be fully asexual. That's kissing, snuggling, massaging, bathing together, anything really that doesn't actually directly involve actually having sex (sex is partnered genital stimulation for the purpose of pleasure and/or orgasm)

And it's a common misconception that sexual attraction is "finding someone hot" .. you can still find people "hot" in all sorts of ways as long as you have no desire to connect sexually with them. Finding someone very attractive is just aesthetic and/or sensual and/or physical attraction, not sexual attraction.

Hope that helps. :)

This is helpful for me, because I'm trying to figure out where I am on the asexual spectrum. I don't have a crystal ball, so I can't tell whether or not I'll actually want partnered sex in the future. I am sometimes drawn to the idea of partnered sex, but as soon as any details are involved it turns into aversion and I end the daydream for my own sake. By "underlying desire" do you mean a fantasy or the willingness to act on it?

[Guest]

This is helpful for me, because I'm trying to figure out where I am on the asexual spectrum. I don't have a crystal ball, so I can't tell whether or not I'll actually want partnered sex in the future. I am sometimes drawn to the idea of partnered sex, but as soon as any details are involved it turns into aversion and I end the daydream for my own sake. By "underlying desire" do you mean a fantasy or the willingness to act on it?

Just saw this! No not fantasy, just a desire to connect sexually with another person, and feeling empty or like uuum.. just like masturbation on your own isn't as fulfilling as sex would be with another person. Fantasies don't mean anything really unless you're only having them because you *wish* someone else was with you. I have sexual fantasies but have no interest in actually having sex :)