karbear Posted November 19, 2015 Share Posted November 19, 2015 Does anyone else here have this intense fear of ending up alone and never being able to find anyone to spend the rest of your life with? I recently figured out I was ace (within the past five months), so it's new to me still, but it gives me bad anxiety when I think about being ace more than just a passing thought, mainly because I really don't want to end up alone. Is there a way to get past this and actually be able to get in a relationship? I'm hesitant to start anything because a) I'm inexperienced and b) I don't want to be pressured into something I don't want to do, sex wise. Link to post Share on other sites
Phaetion Posted November 19, 2015 Share Posted November 19, 2015 I somewhat have that fear, but I more or less embraced the possibility. That said, it would be nice to spend the rest of my life with someone (who isn't sexual). As for the other question, I would wait a little bit until someone is interested in you, then mention that you don't want anything sexual. If they agree, go for it. If not, that's ok too. The worst thing that could possibly happen is for someone to lie to themselves by saying "yes" just to get to you. In that case, just give the possibility some time before going in. You might end up not liking the person after a while. To get past the fear itself, patience is a virtue. You will need both time and patience. If you chase love, you will not get what you want. Let it look for you, then the magic happens. :) Link to post Share on other sites
Semtex in August Posted November 19, 2015 Share Posted November 19, 2015 I think that this is something that we all go through. just remember even if you do not find someone that does not mean that you have to be alone. you can fill your life with wonderful friends and awesome people who you respect and love because or there character, ideas and heart. Fill your life with people that enrich your life. People who you can count on and who count on you. this is a life well lived, To touch a lot of lives on our journey on planet earth Link to post Share on other sites
allrightalready Posted November 19, 2015 Share Posted November 19, 2015 i used to worry about this, then i just became resigned to it, now i am working with a community and even if i don't have a specific relationship with a person at least i will have many close people to me Link to post Share on other sites
RK800 Posted November 19, 2015 Share Posted November 19, 2015 I used to and sometimes still do (I have that 'damaged goods' complex) but usually I'm like 'ay, if my relatives with ridiculously long criminal records and lousy history with relationships can find someone why can't I?'. So I'm pretty chill and focusing on more immediate problems. ^_^ Link to post Share on other sites
Zerο Posted November 19, 2015 Share Posted November 19, 2015 Nothing I'd call fear, but I think it'd be more boring alone. Link to post Share on other sites
SorryNotSorry Posted November 19, 2015 Share Posted November 19, 2015 For me, one factor that intensifies the negativity is that my someday might arrive soon. It would be a shame (not to mention selfish) to enjoy it alone. ^_^ Link to post Share on other sites
Frigid Pink Posted November 19, 2015 Share Posted November 19, 2015 Yes, others feel this way, and there are numerous threads on AVEN about it. Ultimately, it's important to remember that we aren't guaranteed anything in life and, even if someone is in a romantic relationship, they could still end up "alone" (if you mean that as "unpartnered") because they may outlive their romantic partner (among other things that could potentially happen). I don't consider myself "single" or "alone" as long as I have friends. With that said, I've posted my thoughts on healthy relationships before (see below) and hope they're helpful to you in some way. I stopped being afraid of whether someone would want to be with me or not once I shared this aspect of me when I stopped viewing this aspect of me as a "flaw" and when I also recognized that anyone who viewed my (a)sexuality as a "flaw" wouldn't be the best person for me romantically, anyway. I didn't make it into a "big deal" anymore in the sense that I treated it more as another piece of (neutral) information to share about myself when getting to know someone new in a romantic context vs. some hugely negative thing I need to disclose. If someone doesn't like that aspect of me, well, then, that's their problem and they're not the best person for me romantically (or otherwise).Instead of thinking "they reject me," I now think "I reject them." I think of my own needs first and what would make me happiest (not putting others' needs before my own is something I've been working on for awhile now). I'm not waiting for someone to validate me or accept me despite my "flaws." Not all "sexual" people require sex (celibacy/etc), therefore, it really depends on the individual people involved, what type of relationship they want, and whether or not they're compatible sexually (and in other ways).Also, there are "mixed" relationship "success stories" on AVEN. If someone isn't desperate or in search for someone to make them happy (since we're responsible for our own happiness), then they'll most likely be able to set and enforce boundaries that keep them out of relationships that don't work for them and are generally unhealthy. I hope you'll come to realize (as I have) that you don't have to be like everyone else or change who you are in order for someone to accept you or love you. You're okay and loveable as you are now. It's possible to have the type of relationship(s) you want (without sex) and there are people out there who are compatible with you. Regardless, I'd figure out what I think I want or need so much from a romantic partner in order to be happy and then I'd work on giving those things to myself and meeting those wants and needs on my own.Ultimately, we're responsible for our own happiness and I wouldn't wait for certain (external) things to happen in order to be happy. I'd work on doing what I need to do (internally) in order to be happy now. I highly recommend this article: http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/theres-nothing-wrong-with-wanting-love-and-a-relationship-but-the-path-we-choose-to-achieve-our-desires-has-its-own-consequences/ Link to post Share on other sites
Star Bit Posted November 19, 2015 Share Posted November 19, 2015 Many people do. There are meetups scheduled off and on of AVEN, asexual dating sites, and some sexual people are actually ok with a sexless relationship. Go to the meetup section on here and see if there's one in your area. If not, create your own. Link to post Share on other sites
NekoInk Posted November 19, 2015 Share Posted November 19, 2015 I have the same fears :( I'd love to be in a relationship where me and that person can talk about anything, have a laugh, go out and do things, or else stay in and just cuddle in front of a good film then sleep in each others arms...a simple, fun and still close relationship that has all the meaning of any other just without the pressure of expectation of sex. My experience so far (and I know this is far far far far from everyone!) is that when push comes to shove...the lack of sex is a deal breaker. It's "I've been patient but...when are we going to...? You know know?" And then its a downhill slope :( Even having explained asexuality and my feelings at the very start of it. I think they thought I was just shy and would totally be into them if they just waited a bit xD Link to post Share on other sites
tbearrr Posted November 19, 2015 Share Posted November 19, 2015 I have the same fears :( I'd love to be in a relationship where me and that person can talk about anything, have a laugh, go out and do things, or else stay in and just cuddle in front of a good film then sleep in each others arms...a simple, fun and still close relationship that has all the meaning of any other just without the pressure of expectation of sex. My experience so far (and I know this is far far far far from everyone!) is that when push comes to shove...the lack of sex is a deal breaker. It's "I've been patient but...when are we going to...? You know know?" And then its a downhill slope :( Even having explained asexuality and my feelings at the very start of it. I think they thought I was just shy and would totally be into them if they just waited a bit xD yeah this exactly! Link to post Share on other sites
DannyFenton123 Posted November 19, 2015 Share Posted November 19, 2015 It's a little worrying to me, but as long as I have friends and family then I don't believe I'll ever be truly alone ;) Link to post Share on other sites
Tania82 Posted November 19, 2015 Share Posted November 19, 2015 Hi,I'm new here and just like you I just found out that I'm an ace a couple months ago. I feel the same , I feel fear of ended up being alone. But there's no guarantee you're not ended up getting alone even though you married. I see a lot of marriage couple getting divorce, or feel abandoned because their partner neglecting them. Link to post Share on other sites
Frigid Pink Posted November 20, 2015 Share Posted November 20, 2015 Hi,I'm new here and just like you I just found out that I'm an ace a couple months ago. I feel the same , I feel fear of ended up being alone. But there's no guarantee you're not ended up getting alone even though you married. I see a lot of marriage couple getting divorce, or feel abandoned because their partner neglecting them. Very true. Anyone can be unpartnered (regardless of sexual orientation) at any time for numerous reasons, so, I wouldn't focus on "asexuality" as the main one (or the only one) or the "fear of being alone" as unique to "asexual" people. Link to post Share on other sites
Ace of Cakes Posted November 20, 2015 Share Posted November 20, 2015 I do! Even though I have a boyfriend..... Even though we don't have any big problems related to my asexuality, sometimes I'm still scared that someday I won't be enough for him (sexually - we don't have sex now, so there's less opportunity for that issue, but we plan to have sex someday). I'm scared that if we break up, I'll never find anyone else... Link to post Share on other sites
SkyWorld Posted November 20, 2015 Share Posted November 20, 2015 Moved thread from Asexual Q&A to Asexual Relationships. SkyWorld Asexual Q&A Moderator Link to post Share on other sites
life_carnival Posted November 20, 2015 Share Posted November 20, 2015 Hmmm ... I used to think about it, but at this moment, after I finally able to 'name' my sexuality (I discovered about being an asexual a year ago), I became more, well content somehow. Yes, I would love someday to be in a relationship, with someone who can accept me when I say that I don't want to have sex. But I guess being able to say that I'm asexual actually sort of giving me a peace of mind. And I have my friends, whom I might not see everyday but keep close conversation via text messages and all. So I may not be fully alone. Although it might also helped that I'm an introvert so I treasure my alone time so much than to share it with anyone else *laugh*. I hope you find someone to share your life with, one who can respect your asexuality :) Link to post Share on other sites
Wolf Stories Posted November 20, 2015 Share Posted November 20, 2015 I guess I'm in the opposite spectrum here. The idea of being on my own excites me a lot more. It's not that I am incapable of companionship, it's just the prospect of investing in a life-long partnership seems like it'd be really exhausting. There is so much I've left to do and accomplish in this world that I'd rather do solo. I don't want anything holding me down, so I have to be alone for that, and I'm totally okay with it. A relationship should make a good life better, not a sad life good. Be with someone if it makes sense, don't date just because you're lonely. Link to post Share on other sites
Semtex in August Posted November 20, 2015 Share Posted November 20, 2015 here is the thing, it may be inevitable for many of us. So we must make the very best of this life that we possibly can. take the time to find out what moves you, what drives you, what makes you feel most human and pursue it with dogged focus and determination fill your life with passion the passion for something that is within your power to experience not other people then you will have lived a glorious life and in the end you will have no regrets and your life will have been a masterpiece of will and hard work become the superhero that you admire overcome what it means to be a simple sad quietly desperate human being and that fear of getting old alone will lessen Link to post Share on other sites
Frigid Pink Posted November 21, 2015 Share Posted November 21, 2015 A relationship should make a good life better, not a sad life good. Be with someone if it makes sense, don't date just because you're lonely. Yeah, I agree. I think a lot of people are looking for salvation. I really like this article that talks about that. Link to post Share on other sites
SorryNotSorry Posted November 21, 2015 Share Posted November 21, 2015 TBH I think a great deal of this loneliness-romantic-longing-whatever-you-want-to-call-it would clear up if the majority of lonely women would stop playing the Sleeping Beauty game and go out and crack a man over the head with a big wooden club and drag him back to her cave. Link to post Share on other sites
Celestica Posted November 22, 2015 Share Posted November 22, 2015 For me to not end up as a lonely lithromantic, I guess that means I'll be cracking poor aromantics on the head eventually. I feel like I don't have many options. Link to post Share on other sites
Frigid Pink Posted November 22, 2015 Share Posted November 22, 2015 TBH I think a great deal of this loneliness-romantic-longing-whatever-you-want-to-call-it would clear up if the majority of lonely women would stop playing the Sleeping Beauty game and go out and crack a man over the head with a big wooden club and drag him back to her cave. I don't think sexism and assault and battery are the solutions. Link to post Share on other sites
Niks24 Posted November 22, 2015 Share Posted November 22, 2015 I do have this constant fear, yes. It's pretty much always at the back of my mind, especially since I am in my early twenties, watching everyone form romantic and sexual relationships.However, on the other hand, I am quite happy being single as well. I am a very ambitious soul and my goal is to travel around with a challenging career, further develop myself and obtain new skills and hobbies. I can really relate a lot to what Wolf Anthems mentioned above - that a life long partnership and all its obligations seem just exhausting. I have so many dreams and goals for myself and I don't want to see anybody slowing me down. During that journey, if I happen to meet somebody as busy and compatible with me, then that would be amazing! The only bump in the road is being ethnic and having a family who will soon start to slip in remarks about relationships/marriage. When that happens, I think it'll be time to flee the country ^_^ Link to post Share on other sites
Lord Jade Cross Posted November 23, 2015 Share Posted November 23, 2015 From my point of view, I would have to agree that it would be pointless to worry about ending up alone since nothing is guaranteed. Whether your sexual or asexual, likeable or detestable, whether your mate pledges lifelong loyalty and companionship or hightails it in a second, theres no law, or force in the universe that eternally (or at the very least in the mortal human realm) binds you to another person. Just my thoughts anyways. Link to post Share on other sites
Nea Rose Symphony Posted November 23, 2015 Share Posted November 23, 2015 I feel like I'll most likely be forever alone because I just can't force myself to fall in love with anyone. And it feels like I won't be having any more out of the ordinary experiences with falling in love. But oh well. If that's what's going to happen, I guess I'll have to deal with it. Come join the club of forever singles. Who else is a part of it? Link to post Share on other sites
marauders Posted November 23, 2015 Share Posted November 23, 2015 I guess that I'm still optimistic at this point, because I'm not too afraid (yet). The thought is always in the back of my mind, though, but I usually ignore it and try to think about other things. Link to post Share on other sites
Stargazer365 Posted November 24, 2015 Share Posted November 24, 2015 I must admit, having found this site and realizing I'm asexual, I'm not as scared about it. I'm still trying to understand why that is. I used to be terrified of ending up alone. Mostly it only happened when I was hurt/sick or there was an earthquake. That's when I really wished I lived with someone. I actually love being alone most of the time. I've been alone for so many years I don't know if I could stand being with someone, though I do want to try. Link to post Share on other sites
Skycaptain Posted November 24, 2015 Share Posted November 24, 2015 I don't think fear, more resignation that it will happen. Whilst spending my later years alone doesn't really appeal I reckon I'm too set in my ways to change. Link to post Share on other sites
El-not-so-ace Posted November 24, 2015 Share Posted November 24, 2015 I have a big fear of ending up alone... I'd still rather be alone than with a bad person, but it would probably break my heart if I can't find someone to share at least many of my good years with. I always used to think that I have so much love to give, but no one to give it too. :P Link to post Share on other sites
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