Still ace if I love feeling desired and giving pleasure to someone I love?

[NicoleSpiral]

I'm new to the community and so predictably I've been trying to understand where exactly I fit. I never realized that I never felt sexual attraction before because I always mixed it in with aesthetic, sensual, and romantic attraction. However, I liked having sex with my last partner because I was in love with him, I felt it deepened our emotional connection, and I really loved pleasing him and seeing and hearing his reactions. AND I loved feeling desired in that way.

I wasn't sexually turned on by him or his body (or anyone else's for that matter) but I was turned on by his desire for me and his pleasure that he got from me. ??? Does that even make sense? Is there anyone else who feels this way? Am I really asexual? Is there a name for this?

[somethingrandom]

I think that's probably demisexual or you feel attraction and the desire for sex if you have an emotional bond with someone? But just use the label that you think best describes you, or don't use one at all it's completely up to you :)

[Autumn Season]

You will find that the opinions differ when it comes to cases like yours. And in the end only you can know what your identity is.

For me, you sound like a sexual person. Maybe not a typical one, but still sexual. You might also want to look into the grey-asexual spectrum, if you don't feel "fully sexual". (For whatever that means.) Demi-sexuality is a part of grey-asexuality. It means that you need to form a close emotional bond with your partner first, before you can desire sex. Does this sound like it could apply to your experience?

Were you happier with sex when you were with your boyfriend than without sex? In this case you would be more sexual than asexual.

[Star Bit]

Asexuals can like/appreciate being sexually desired and even, as i said in your other thread, enjoy making their partner sexually happy. But if you desire/wish/long to have sex then that's demisexual. Sex releases the highest amount of oxytocin; the bonding hormone, and some people's bodies can't produce it to that degree ay other way. If you can't do without that boosted bond then that's demisexual, but if you can then that's asexual.

[NicoleSpiral]

Honestly I was fine with just the cuddling. And I tend to get bored with sex if he didn't finish quickly and always had a hard time staying aroused. But it was emotionally fulfilling in some way to make him feel good. I always hated when he would ask me "what do you like?" ??? I just never had an answer. I was only doing it because I liked pleasing him.

So I don't know if I'd say that I desired sex. Just that I like being desired by the person I love and I like giving or making them feel good. But I don't feel like it's necessary for me to be happy. And I prefer when it doesn't last too long.

[Star Bit]

Asexuals can be bored with sex or have problems staying aroused since acting sexually toward someone you're not sexually attracted to can be an arousal deturant. Asexuals can like sex for many reasons, one of which being the bond boost, but they can do without it.

I was only doing it because i liked pleasing him.

That really answers your question on whether you genuinely/uninfluentially/innately desired sex.

Added more to my previous comment, dunno if you read it.

[NicoleSpiral]

Thanks for replying:) It's starting to become clearer to me. I guess I'm the only one who can answer my own question. It's nice to be able to hear different perspectives. Mostly it's great to know that there's nothing wrong with me and there are others who have similar experiences. I'm still not sure about a label but I guess that will come in time. Or not! I guess it doesn't matter too much. It's just nice to have a reference point.

[LadyErzsebet]

One term that might be helpful for you to think about is "sex favorable". There's a spectrum of feelings about sex--regardless of whether or not you're sexually attracted to people-- that ranges basically from "sex freaks me out/disgusts me/etc" to "I get pleasure from this and don't find it unpleasant at all, whether or not I have an "innate" desire for it".

Hope that helps.

[Star Bit]

I disagree, the word favorable can mean prefer and an asexual does not prefer sex; that's a sexual person. Sex positive is far better of a term and means you have a positive perspective on sex. When i say asexuals don't desire sex, i don't mean that under a negative context; it could be under any context; they can feel positively, negatively, or indifferent to sex. Asexuality is just about not wishing for sex to happen. Is that better wording?

So really there are 2 questions to ask in regards to your orientation

1) Do you have the impulse/compulsion to have sex with anyone specific? (aka sexual attraction)

2) Do you need sex in a relationship?

If no to both then that's asexual. If yes to any then that's sexual.

[Autumn Season]

So really there are 2 questions to ask in regards to your orientation

1) Do you have the impulse/compulsion to have sex with anyone specific? (aka sexual attraction)

2) Can you do without sex in a relationship?

If no to both then that's asexual. If yes to any then that's sexual.

You mean: "If no to the first and yes to the second, then that's asexual", probably?

[Star Bit]

>< yes, i fixed my derp by rewording the second question

[Frigid Pink]

Asexuals can like/appreciate being sexually desired and even, as i said in your other thread, enjoy making their partner sexually happy.

I agree with this.

Also, I'd do whatever I want to do, whatever makes me happy, and whatever I truly feel comfortable about (as long as it's "safe, sane, and consensual"), regardless of the labels. As long as it's "safe, sane, and consensual," it's okay and that applies to everyone, regardless of sexual orientation.