What if I have to consciously try in order to think sexually about someone?

[LemonLetters]

To start: I am definitely heteroromantic, [EDIT] as well as experiencing aesthetic and sensual attraction.

But then (like so many others haha) I don't know if I really feel sexual attraction or sexual desire. In high school, I crushed on guys, but when I think back on it this is how I felt: DEFINITELY strong sensual and aesthetic attraction. But did I think about what it would be like to have sex with them? I honestly don't think so. Trying to picture it now, it doesn't seem familiar. I don't think that I thought about it once. And in my every day life, if I see someone attractive, I never once have thought explicitly of sex off the top of my head. Something that I saw posted on here was something along the lines of "I used to think that when people said 'I'd tap that' it was some kind of exaggeration.' I resonate with that.

SO: In these situations, I was both emotionally invested in the attraction (the crushes...like I could have pursued a relationship) and emotionally uninvested (random people on the street who I'll never see again.) And in both these contexts, I don't think that I thought of sex, though I definitely felt sensual attraction.

THEN: Since learning about the asexuality spectrum, I have definitely been thinking more about sex since I'm reading all this stuff and trying to figure things out constantly. So like today, looking at an attractive guy, my mind goes to "do I want to have sex with him??"It seems like a very conscious thought...like I am TRYING to experience the sexual desire and/or sexual attraction that I think may be lacking (I know there's constant debate on these terms so I'm just putting both). And if I think long and hard enough, I think I can kind of experience a feeling, at least something more emotional than before. (When I say feeling, I'm talking psychologically) It's more than indifference, but it definitely doesn't overwhelm me by any means.

Also with photos (or I suppose in real life too--I'm just thinking of a specific situation) of a shirtless guy, I never undress them in my mind, or if I try to, it's more like "hmm, so that's how the muscles and bones and things connect." I can't imagine calling someone's junk attractive. It seems much less interesting to me than like, biceps (and those damn shoulders, man, they get me every time). But I mean, I am aware of the fact that "this is a sex organ that turns people on." So I feel like anything that goes beyond indifference is just me thinking about the stigma of sex-- not actually really having my own emotional/sexual response. So again, it seems like it requires conscious thought about sex.

Another time I think of sex is when I think "damn, I want a boyfriend..." and then I'm like "oh no would he expect us to have sex?" I understand that celibate people who are sexual still feel sexual desire...and when I think about this situation, I seems like the only reason I might consider having sex with said hypothetical boyfriend is because it is expected or because I feel like I need to get over my reservations about sex-- not because I have actual psychological sexual desire. [And for the record I am not the type of person who would do something just because everyone else is/it's expected... I would only do it for myself...thanks ahead for the encouragment/advice in that regard...it's an important message that all people should hear!)

SO MY POINT IS: I think that being in a society that is surrounded by sex just makes me think about it more. I am primed. But when I think back to experiences that were just pure emotion-- crushes, times when I haven't been reading about asexuality, times when I didn't just watch a movie with a sex scene, feeling this powerful want for a significant other(and then the thought thought of sex only comes after as a worry)-- sex isn't involved.

I understand that often the view of sexuals can skew towards hypersexuals. So maybe what I am experiencing is just like "average-less sexual." I am also 19, so maybe it is also just late blooming or maturity or just stubbornness (not wanting to do what everyone else is doing--I've never been a crowd follower) or something.

Any thoughts?

[Star Bit]

To start: I am definitely heteroromantic. I experience aesthetic and sensual attraction.

Aesthetic and sensual attraction isn't romantic attraction.

Sexual attraction is an impulse, so if you have to force yourself to think about it then it's just not there. Asexuality is simply not desiring sex with anyone.

It's plausible you're a late bloomer, but unlikely since people normally sexually late bloom as late as 15. Not wanting to follow the crowd (unless you're really extreme about it) wouldn't really prevent you from desiring things/feeling impulses that are beyond your control.

List of attractions:

There are 6 types of attraction. They're all typically felt with romantic attraction (and why there can be confusion between attractions) but they aren't needed to make it valid. Other than romantic attraction, obviously, they can all be felt platonically, separately, and in different combinations. The desire to act in a certain way can also be separate from the attraction (e.g. sexual attraction with no desire to act on it, or no sexual attraction with a desire for sex). That is, if the attraction has an action to pair itself with; i.e. sexual, romantic, sensual, and platonic attraction. But the two are typically together, which is why the aforementioned examples being someones norm is under the Gray umbrella.

· Sexual attraction - the impulse/compulsion to have sex with a specific person; to do genital involving things to their body.

· Romantic attraction - an emotion; so it doesn't translate well into words, but it can be inadequately put as soft/warm/fuzzy feelings with some degree of fixation (at least in comparison to one's normality with others). Some people have a physical reaction to the feeling and others don’t (i.e. butterflies in their stomach, heart rate increase [though those are also symptoms of platonic nervousness], dreamy mindset, anxious euphoria, infatuation, etc.).

· Aesthetic attraction - the pull to look at someone because of their looks and or mannerisms. It's different from recognizing good looks/what is aesthetically pleasing.

· Emotional attraction - the fixation on someone because of their emotions (their optimism, stoicness, etc.), and by extent personality. I would compare it to having a favorite character or admirance.

· Sensual attraction - the urge to have non-genital physical contact. Platonically displaying this above the norm qualifies as a type of queerplatonic relationship (QPR). I would compare it to how many people have the urge to act toward their pets. Though this term is typically applied to other humans. There are 3 forms of sensual attraction; platonic, romantic (which only differ by chaste kissing), and sexual (in the sense that it’s done for sexual arousal, not because it includes sex/genital contact --and it’s still under asexuality as a kink).

· Platonic attraction - (aka a squish; a play on the romantic word crush) the strong urge to know or befriend someone.

· And it's possible to find someone charming without romantic attraction. (look up charming's definition/synonyms for further clarification)

· It's also possible to have queerplatonic feelings for someone; to emotionally feel platonic but have the characteristic(s) associated with a romantic relationship. It can be an importance/closeness stronger than the best friend norm, displaying platonic sensual attraction above the norm (only differing from romantic sensual attraction with chaste kissing, although preferring chaste kissing or no kissing does not make one’s feelings unromantic), friends with sexual or make out benefits, romantically pleasing someone they platonically love (QP to one and romantic to the other, although it's their decision on what they call the relationship), or any combination of those. They may or may not have monogamy, live together, have kids, or look like a couple to the public. Romantics and Aromantics can have QPRs.

[LemonLetters]

Aesthetic and sensual attraction isn't romantic attraction.

Thanks for the clarification! I guess what i meant is that I am romantic, as well as experiencing aesthetic and sensual attraction.

[LemonLetters]

It's plausible you're a late bloomer, but unlikely since people normally sexually late bloom as late as 15.

Wow that's actually really interesting cause I was like just starting to actually think about guys then (but I mean lots of shyness probs involved in that). It sounds like maybe I don't often/never experience sexual attraction and/or desire (the "impulse"), and since my love life definitely wasn't a priority (high school boys, amiright?) I just never really paid attention to the whole blooming thing!

[RachaelE]

I feel quite similar, because I'm evaluating where I fall on the asexuality spectrum I keep looking at people and thinking 'do I fancy them? What am I experiencing?' and almost trying to feel sexual attraction, and then getting caught in a panicky loop of being confused about who I am. I think that I'm ultimately just over thinking it and that eventually I will come to terms with my sexuality and hopefully go back to the natural state I was in before I realised that I was 'different'. Still, I appreciate that things are fluid and maybe I'm more grey ace than ace, but who knows? All this over thinking is tiring me out!

[Guest]

It's plausible you're a late bloomer, but unlikely since people normally sexually late bloom as late as 15.

This is grossly, wildly inaccurate and should not be presented as fact.

OP, your conception of sexual people is really, really off. I don't know if you are or are not sexual, but being attracted to someone IS an emotion of sorts, and it is often completely inseparable from the other emotions you're feeling. Very few sexuals see people and want to have sex with them.

[Omitted]

My logic is that sexual attraction, since it is a requirement for procreation in a variety of living organisms, should be somewhat instinctual. If you have to think yourself dizzy for that feeling, you may not be experiencing it. That's not to say you never will or can't, just that if you have to think really hard about it it might not be natural for you at that moment in time. Only you can fundamentally be the judge of this. I personally attempt to just go with my feelings (and that's very hard to do and is taking a lot of practice). Go with what feels right for you. Ultimately, when you feel most at peace with yourself is when you are probably feeling and experiencing in ways that make you happy and are healthy for you.

I hope that made sense.

[LemonLetters]

Ultimately, when you feel most at peace with yourself is when you are probably feeling and experiencing in ways that make you happy and are healthy for you.

Thank you for this! I think that no matter what I label myself, one of the most valuable things I've learned through all of this is that my level of sexuality can be whatever it needs to be. I don't have to feel pressured to feel the desire to have sex if I'm not comfortable with it, even if I am sexual. Whatever I feel is what I feel, whether it makes me asexual or just less-sexual. :)

[LemonLetters]

OP, your conception of sexual people is really, really off. I don't know if you are or are not sexual, but being attracted to someone IS an emotion of sorts, and it is often completely inseparable from the other emotions you're feeling. Very few sexuals see people and want to have sex with them.

Thank you for clarifying this, as well as the comment about late blooming. I am finding that a lot that I read on here is exaggerated, so it is helpful to have your thoughts in this case. As I said, I understand that often the view of sexuals can skew towards hypersexuals, and it's really confusing. Though, this doesn't discount the fact that before I even came to AVEN, when I learned that someone could be romantically attracted but not sexually attracted, without knowing any details, my first instinct was "wait that sounds like me." I don't know why I would have thought that. I have no idea what's going on anymore, and I'm starting to think maybe I'm just barely sexual, but anyways this is all helpful, thank you :)

[scarletlatitude]

I am 28 and I have yet to sexually bloom so... yeah the idea of late bloomers in your teens is a misconception.

[binary suns]

I am finding that a lot that I read on here is exaggerated

while this takeaway is possibly valid, I would more so simply recognize that any human only has their experience and vantage to speak from. What we say about ourselves is usually easier than what we say about others, whether we are speaking about others like us or not. and, whenever we do speak of any experience, we'll inevitably use context that we're familiar with that others might not be. as such, it's not uncommon for things said to sound odd sometimes

[binary suns]

So maybe what I am experiencing is just like "average-less sexual." I am also 19, so maybe it is also just late blooming or maturity or just stubbornness (not wanting to do what everyone else is doing--I've never been a crowd follower) or something.

Any thoughts?

when I was a teen, I decided relationships were something I'd put off to later. when I was 21, I had sex for the first time. I was more or less, making myself experiment for the sake of feeling normal. I wouldn't recommend that, I ended up hurting myself.

take some time to recognize and accept that people exist who have never had sex and have never been unhappy because of that.

once you are comfortable with that idea that it isn't weird to not want sex, then look into yourself and ask if you want it, if you want to try it. for yourself, do relationships sound like a good idea? does sex, romance, etc sound like good ideas? form a sense of what you want out of intimacy, if you want anything. and then if you look for and find a relationship, be honest about your feelings, and aware of any feelings whether they change or are expected. sometimes the real experience turns out different than the fantasy.

I'm not sure if I'm answering your question lol xD so lemme stop myself before I get too wordy.

[LemonLetters]

whenever we do speak of any experience, we'll inevitably use context that we're familiar with that others might not be. as such, it's not uncommon for things said to sound odd sometimes

solid. 8)

form a sense of what you want out of intimacy, if you want anything. and then if you look for and find a relationship, be honest about your feelings, and aware of any feelings whether they change or are expected. sometimes the real experience turns out different than the fantasy.

also solid. 8) i honestly don't remember exactly what the point of my question was, but this is great advice-- thank you!