A Long Story About Me and My...

[Awkward JoJoeh]

Alrighty, there's practically a novel written down below so, just in case you don't have time or feel the need to read the entirety of it, I'll summarize it here in just a short couple words: I met a guy, we had sex however I would not give up my virginity, he was a Scorpio, it was intense, I learned a lot about myself, we no longer know one another now, The End.

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When I first learned that I would be stationed in Montana - of all places - as active duty military, I of course had no idea what to expect Having lived here for three years, like all places, it has it's ups-and-downs but Montana isn't a "bad state". I don't know which state would qualify as a "bad state" (I read negative things about Michigan which houses Detroit, but I harbor no negative feelings toward any one state). Montana is a great place to live if you love cold weather; if you're a fan of high winds; if you enjoy an outdoor sport. Montana isn't a bad place.

But it's not Montana that I want to talk about, it's the people who live here. The people I've met generally are not from here. They're military like me and so, were stationed here. Most of the original residents I've met are elderly or getting nearer to the age to when they can get special discounts at movie theater. It's uncommon to see someone like myself living in Montana so it's not that difficult to assume I'd receive a military discount at the checkout counter. As for other Montanans I've met or observed, I'd say a majority are middle-age white men with beer guts from jolly good times whose pride and joy are their American flags and Dodge trucks.

My first dorm wasn't a cop dorm, it was a...not a cop dorm. The base has dorms specifically located and designed for cops. If you were to see our rooms, one of the first things you'd notice is how small they are compared to other dorms. That is because there are so many cops at this base, the dorms were constructed to house any many as they could fit - comfortably and fairly. I mean, it wouldn't seem fair for a military base to build dorms with rooms that are only 5-by-5 in order to house a large population; so, the rooms are a fairly good size. Again however, my first dorm wasn't a cop dorm so I was given more space than I knew what to do with (strangely though, my closest now is practically a walk-in closet compared to my first closet which was could fit maybe, a large box). The kitchen and the bathroom were...well, they were amazing compared to what I have now BUT I do not complain because it could be worse.

How I met my first roommate was writing on the miniature magnetized whiteboard she had on the side of the refrigerator. After I had come home from work, I find that she left her personalized greeting and phone number for me to contact her.

It wasn't long before we got to know one another. It's funny thinking about how we were then because today, we see each other in passing and she'll ask if I have her number, I'll say yes because she gave it to me once before in passing and nothing will happen for months at a time. This is my relationship with most people I've met throughout my military career.

I think I reminded her of her best friend, a girl who looked like me who also happened to occupy the same room. This friend was stationed half way across the world.

I'd say not a month passed before she was trying to hook me up with one of her friends. It was moreso for him than it was for me because we rarely spoke about dating, or of my past experiences. The first time I met the man she was trying to get to like me was when she planned for the three of us to go bowling at the on base bowling alley. I've never been a fan of bowling but I considered this to be one of those times in my life when I should try my best to "be cool" and make new friends, so I dressed as nice as I could. I wore my tightest black skinny jeans, my black and white converse shoes, a tank top and a leather jacket.

We all met by the side of the bowling alley and the one thing I remember more clearly each time is the look he gave me then her upon meeting up. I'm guessing she didn't describe how I looked. I would later find out that I was his "fantasy" in other words.

We bowled, and that was that.

A couple weeks later, I would come to pass him on opposite sides of the street going in different directions and little did I know that by me not really caring for his presence at the time though sluggishly waving to him would be the catalyst for all things to fall.

He had text me that same day asking if I didn't like him. He had gotten my number from my roommate, his good friend, my new friend. I'd tell him the truth which was that I did like him. He'd then go on and on, very emotionally, about our passing. This surprised me. Some time after that, me and my roommate would walk to his dorm to watch a movie and eat popcorn. The only place to sit was his bed. Days go by and before long, he's asking to hang out - just me and him. Just the two of us.

I was attracted to him in the sense that I'd never been alone with a guy in this context before. Plus, he was the type of guy whom reminded me of the other men whom I fancied: mainly middle-aged white male celebrities. He had similar traits: pale skin, lean muscular build, a thick head of hair, the height. Not to mention that his eyes were the most incredible shade of blue I had ever seen, up close and personal, in my life! They scared me. How I felt that I couldn't be in his gaze for more than couple of seconds because he I felt he was literally looking into me and seeing everything I was - I had. I had an idea of what events were transpire this night but for the life of me, I couldn't fully imagine it like I can now with just about anyone. I'd never been with somebody, let alone an attractive man. I just had to see what it was all about, even with all of my insecurities. I had to do, if only to say I have and to know what all the fuss was about.

I was so innocent then. So clueless and gullible. The absolute virgin - though, I am still a virgin today. I was child-like then and he knew it. He was my "first" - though I was never penetrated, I had never been kissed or touched like that before. I wouldn't allow him to touch me below the pants. But I would come to regret it when I had...

He is the prime example of a Scorpio: addicted to pornography in all forms, super-sociable, the life of the party, and everything else I hadn't mentioned. And I don't mean to sound like I'm saying that all Scorpio's are addicted to pornography. He was complicated yet easy at the same time. He played me and I played him. Even though we were never officially in a relationship, we went through the high's and low's; a pseudo relationship. What I meant earlier by me being his "fantasy" is that, as I gave my body to him more and more, he opened up and let me in. Uncommon for someone like him. He showed me his world, what little of it I wanted to see. All of the pornography sites he'd visit were related to black women in some way or another. The more I learned about him, the less I wish I knew him. The more I realized that I was simply a sexual exploit intertwined with some fabrication of friendship.

We tried venturing out of his bedroom. He took me to see a movie once. And that's the only real thing we ever did.

I gave in. I would leave the door open for him just wide enough to take a peak, then wider so that he could stick a foot in and then slam it shut. He is the only man who has ever seen me naked. He is the only man I've had to explain about my insecurities, both physically and mentally. He is the only man I've ever gone to deep lengths to impress. And for what? It may be because he had me in his claws. I never wanted him as much as I wanted to hold him and he learned this. After experimenting, I learned what I liked and didn't like and I told him that the only things I ever liked doing to him was cuddling and kissing from time-to-time. But he needed more than that. Our relationship was awkward at best but fun for a short time then disastrous.

He left for a year and two months before he'd return, he wanted to facetime. I was so camera shy back then. Still are now to some extent. I remember going to the Airmen's Center and using the webcams there and feeling more ugly than I possibly ever have before. I've seen so many beautiful woman on the internet through means of social media and back then, I wanted to cry knowing how I could never compare to them. Not only that, but what he must've been thinking of me during the call.

He surprised me at my dorm the first week he returned to base. I had no idea when exactly he'd get back. Of course, being unprepared for his arrival, I had no time to dress nice or clean my room. What did he want to do upon seeing me? He wanted to have sex. I refused and I swear, with the many times I've seen his grumpy pouty face because I wouldn't do this to him or let him do that to me, I would've never thought a grown man could be so childish.

I knew our "relationship" was coming to an end when we had done things for the first time in my bed. He was upset mostly because I woudn't let him have my virginity. After a heated session of nothing, I laid atop of him, my head on his chest (secretly happy) as he rubbed back. One arm behind his head. I remember thinking, "this is what I want out of a relationship. This and only this. Togetherness. Being able to feel his skin and him, my skin. This is all I want. Nothing more." (something along those lines). To me, us laying there, the heat emanating from our bodies, was all I ever really wanted. That is all I am truly comfortable doing. I'd never roll my eyes or stare at the ceiling; I'd never fake moan or pretend to like it. I didn't feel pressured in any way just laying there.

The only thing that made that moment horrid for me - the both of us, was the "talk". We talked about the end of it. And surprisingly, I was okay with it. The thought of never intimately knowing him again. The fact that we'd be like two strangers, exchanging greetings as we walked passed one another following separate goals. I always felt dirty and so, I decided to take a shower. He got dressed and left without saying goodbye.

Everything beyond this point is fuzzy because I tried my best to forget him but there are a few things I've learned:

1) I don't like to have sex; I probably hate it...

2) I unintentionally play with men's emotions

3) Men and Woman can never be just friends...

4) I'm insecure about my body because I don't look like the women I see in the media

5) To refuse or say, "no"

6) Never, ever, ever mess with a Scorpio (man) again...

7) If I am ever with someone I truly like, if I know it will bring them pleasure and that they would like it, I would do things for my "significant other" that don't require me to jump too high over my barriers...

8 ) Sex really isn't all that hard to do. Not at all. No experience, no problem! Someone will feel something either way.

9) Never to give my heart to someone so easily because it will only crack and ultimately, break...

10) My breasts look and feel best when it's almost time for my period (heehee)

I don't have too much more to say. I could say more, like the time we met each other at the gym a year and some months later in front of my leadership or the how I yearn for the soft intimacy I once had with him but, I guess that's for another time.

You actually read this far?!

Nah, no way! You skimmed!

Thanks so much for reading

[chromanebula]

All right, I have 3 extra bits of advice for you.

1. Astrology descriptions are frequently written broadly to include as many people as possible, so they aren't accurate as gauges of a person's character. Don't paint every Scorpio with the same broad brush. Another could give you just what you want out of a relationship.

2. Don't think men and women can't be just friends. Sure, there's definitely the possibility of it turning into something more, but Man + Woman =/= Automatic Romantic/Sexual Relationship. Not all guys are inclined to that. My lab partner (who's a boy) and I have been friends for a long time with nothing romantic or sexual.

3. Don't let anyone use you ever again. Your feelings matter. You are worth more than that. Know it. Live it. Love it.

[l0tus]

The guy sounds like a creep just wanting you because you haven't had sex. Be careful in the future. Not only in terms of who you allow into your bed, if you feel uncomfortable with them - don't let them in your bed! Situations like that can easily turn to rape when he's pressuring you to do things you don't want to do. Also make sure guys get tested before doing sexual things with them, you don't know where he has been.