Does everyone else feel disconnected from LGBT+ and straight/cis community...?

[SirEl]

I feel sort of lost because I can't compare my feelings to another person's feelings because I'm not that person. How can I know for sure if I'm asexual when I can't know for sure what "asexual feelings" are? I can define what asexuality is but I can't know exactly how it feels. So I can't know for sure if I'm heterosexual, asexual, bisexual, homosexual, heteroromantic, biromantic, aromatic etc. and it just makes me feel like an alien to everyone of LGBTQIA+ and straight and cisgender and absolutely everyone else, because we're all unique and different and grew up with different feelings.

Am I just overreacting and making a big deal out of nothing?

[Tja]

Your feelings are a big deal. :)

Unfortunately, there's not one word to magically describe your situation.

As you said, " I can't compare my feelings to another person's feelings because I'm not that person". The most we can do is research the information and form a "self-definition".

I also feel detached from the LGBQ-whatever. It seems to have become a catch-all for everything not "straight". ;) Everyone there appears to have their own agenda, without interest in there fellow 'letters'.

[allrightalready]

while the sex thing does set me apart from most *letter scramble* people i am far more like them than "normals", i fit even more poorly with regular accepted society and i find they are more accepting of me.

sure every being (human or not even) is an individual totally different from others when everything about them is looked at, but there are clusters of things that people have in common and that is why most of my friends are NOT "normal" (as defined by society as a whole)

[TruBluMOM]

Agree. In my world, sex doesn't come up as a topic in general polite society, and I'm not the kind of person people generally spill their inner secrets too, so I have very little experience talking about matters of sex or even relationship type issues outside of support group and anonymous on-line forum settings, and in those spaces, I've never really been able to relate to anyone who wasn't self professed to be within the asexual "end of the spectrum". That said, I have developed a new respect and comradery for the trans community, but again, unless there is also an intersection with asexuality, the conversation also goes in ways to which I can't relate. Maybe it's more of an 'analytical curiosity' than comadery, it's more kind of that I wonder if I'm trans and just don't know it, or more likely if my life experience was different by XYZ, but all else being equal, that I WOULD have felt trans.

However, there are many that use the term asexual as an absolute and an "end all and be all" identity, and I can't relate to that either. While I relate well to the asexual identity, and even go so far as to claim the identity of asexual, I have the same question of if my life experience was different by XYZ, even my experience of the last 20 yrs (married), 12 yrs (non-sexual/non-physical) or even 2 yrs (prior to embracing the identify) had been different, would it never have occurred to me to "feel" asexual.

Note also, that I was raised "hetro" and despite never desiring or enjoying hetro sexual relations, it never occurred to me that I was anything other than "hetro". Over the past two years however, I have come to the realization that had I been raised with lesbian or bi expectations, that I think I would have found them every bit as easy (or difficult?) to fulfill. So, back to if my life experience was different by XYZ would I have felt on even "been" bi or lesbian in the same way that I felt or "was" hetro for so long. So in the end, I wonder how many people have just assumed their orientation and accepted it to be truth, and actually have no idea what they "really are", or what they really feel, or have the capacity to feel. (But also realize that these wonderings likely just reinforce that I truly AM asexual.)

[anabsolutehorizon]

I also feel as though I don't fit in with either LGBTQIA+ people/spaces or 'straight' people/spaces. I know that I often feel dissociated from my straight friends, and feel uncomfortable when talks of romance/sex/sexual & romantic relationships come up, mostly because I end up feeling awkward and alienated. (This occurs with my non-straight alloromantic friends as well) I do feel completely cut off from everything LGBTQIA+; however, I'm still not sure if I even belong in those spaces to begin with. I felt incredibly disconnected at NYC Pride, which I had expected, although apparently at some point after my friends and I left, this happened:

And If you're not sure where you fit in terms of your identity, I would encourage you to either keep looking for a label that you feel fits you and your experiences (if that is what you want to do), or try and be comfortable without one. I've always found labeling myself to be a comfort, a way to feel like I belong somewhere, and in doing so I learned that I wasn't alone. However, you may feel entirely different about them, so I would only encourage searching for one if that's what you feel is best for you.

In terms of being unsure about who/what you are, know that the progression of labels I have applied to myself throughout my 21 years of life goes as follows: straight, bi-curious (because of one experience that I had assumed - and had hoped - was a romantic crush, but for many reasons I now believe was not), bisexual (same reason), heteroflexible (same reason) demisexual (which I thought I was because I had experienced some level of sexual attraction in the past), panromantic demisexual (after all - if I didn't feel romantic attraction to anyone, maybe I just could experience it with anyone, regardless of gender), to panromantic gray-asexual, and finally, to the label that feels like the endgame, aromantic gray-asexual. So, for me, labels feel freeing, but I know that not everyone feels that way.

'How can I know for sure if I'm asexual when I can't know for sure what "asexual feelings" are? I can define what asexuality is but I can't know exactly how it feels.' Well, asexuality is a spectrum, after all. Gray-asexual is part of it, as is demisexual. So, not everyone's asexuality is the same. Yes, asexuality is pretty much defined as a lack of sexual attraction, and many, many asexuals have never felt it at all, but there are people (like me) who experience it to some degree, although differently and to different extents than allosexuals, or 'the norm', I suppose.

Either way, your feelings are valid, and I wish you the best in figuring them out as much as you need to.

[scarletlatitude]

All feelings are valid. Normal is just a setting on the clothes dryer. :) Don't worry that your feelings are strange or abnormal. There are many that are just like you.

I know it is incredibly disheartening that people act like we don't even exist. That's why visibility is important. The more people who see us, the more people will know we are here and we are not strange. :)

[RachaelE]

I want to be a part of it- I feel very strongly about LGBT+ rights- but I also feel alienated from it in terms of my own sexuality . My university has an LGBT+ society but they don't have any resources on asexuality and I don't feel welcomed by it. I feel like the issues I face are less important than the blatant homophobia, etc, that is often (unfortunately) still around, but that also makes me feel isolated.