Demisexual's identify as...?

[WoodwindWhistler]

Having a *word* for not desiring sex until a bond is formed is a good thing, usually. It *should* mean that people who say "Well plenty of people feel that way" then pick up on the word and use it in general conversation since it's so common. For some reason, it sometimes doesn't work that way. I think we need to be brainstorming how to avoid THAT and examining and integrating allo's perspectives instead of policing each other.

I think the thing is, it's so common for sexual people they don't see the point in adopting a label for it. Why adopt a special label for ''I'm normal'' when you could just say ''I'm heterosexual'' or whatever. When you disclose your sexual orientation, it doesn't automatically mean something like ''I look at people of this gender and want to fuck them'' .. It means a massive range of things, including ''I only desire partnered sex with people of this gender once I have developed an emotional bond to them''.. That's a normal experience on the sexual spectrum, so sexual people do not see reason to come up with a special label for it. If a sexual person like this however wanted to adopt the label demisexual, there's nothing wrong with that. It's just that most don't see the need to.

It's not policing each other, it's trying to clarify asexuality to the outside world so they can eventually begin to take it seriously, not see asexuality as some joke identify that just any person identifies with until further notice.

. . . the only reason "demisexual" arose in the first place is because most allos would *not* accept that someone doesn't get attracted to them "fast enough"!!!!

So again, you're prioritizing the needs or views of, if not the majority, then at least the most visible and "default" group of people, over those who are not as visible or well understood. Good job.

Also, here's how I think it's different: an allosexual may feel secondary attraction (i.e., demisexual type) to *some* people. But they still feel primary on a fairly regular basis. Which is why demisexual people felt the need to say hey, no, that's not my default setting. You may be able to toggle between the two, but I cannot. I cannot in good conscience join your frequent discussions of "who would you fuck" because it would not be true to myself. So I feel excluded in your spaces.

There's also the issue of, primary is *usually* the orientation of males. Whereas demi is more common among females (I don't know any stats of this, I'm just going off of general social consensus). So there may even a bit of an unconscious sexist slant here in saying that demis cannot claim a name for themselves without being considered "silly." Oh you crazy wimmins, always doin' too much fretting and navel gazing. Heaven forbid you verbalize that you are, in fact, different from the mainstream and "sexual revolution" rhetoric. Heaven forbid you question that usual measure how quickly you are "required" to jump in bed with someone. (There are literally people who discuss this "rule" of dating) Stop yer whining. Swallow your misgivings. If you love someone, doesn't matter if you're strictly attracted to them or not, ya just do it, then you'll be emotionally closer to the dude. (Teen girls struggle with this implicit messaging *all the frickin' time* and it's only getting worse with the saturation of porn pushing them to do even *more* things they're uncomfortable with)

I for one propose *expanding* understanding of human sexuality, not keeping the status quo. It's one of those many things that I think the ace community has that's valuable for people to learn, not just respecting aces, but looking at things from a different perspective. Such as importance of friendships. Or, one of the first posts from AVEN that really sticks in my head is an allosexual browsing and going, "OH! that makes so much sense now! I felt romantic attraction to these few people, but not sexual attraction. That always really bothered me."

[Scarlet]

. . . the only reason "demisexual" arose in the first place is because most allos would *not* accept that someone doesn't get attracted to them "fast enough"!!!!

So again, you're prioritizing the needs or views of, if not the majority, then at least the most visible and "default" group of people, over those who are not as visible or well understood. Good job.

Also, here's how I think it's different: an allosexual may feel secondary attraction (i.e., demisexual type) to *some* people. But they still feel primary on a fairly regular basis. Which is why demisexual people felt the need to say hey, no, that's not my default setting. You may be able to toggle between the two, but I cannot. I cannot in good conscience join your frequent discussions of "who would you fuck" because it would not be true to myself. So I feel excluded in your spaces.

There's also the issue of, primary is *usually* the orientation of males. Whereas demi is more common among females (I don't know any stats of this, I'm just going off of general social consensus). So there may even a bit of an unconscious sexist slant here in saying that demis cannot claim a name for themselves without being considered "silly." Oh you crazy wimmins, always doin' too much fretting and navel gazing. Heaven forbid you verbalize that you are, in fact, different from the mainstream and "sexual revolution" rhetoric. Heaven forbid you question that usual measure how quickly you are "required" to jump in bed with someone. (There are literally people who discuss this "rule" of dating) Stop yer whining. Swallow your misgivings. If you love someone, doesn't matter if you're strictly attracted to them or not, ya just do it, then you'll be emotionally closer to the dude. (Teen girls struggle with this implicit messaging *all the frickin' time* and it's only getting worse with the saturation of porn pushing them to do even *more* things they're uncomfortable with)

I for one propose *expanding* understanding of human sexuality, not keeping the status quo. It's one of those many things that I think the ace community has that's valuable for people to learn, not just respecting aces, but looking at things from a different perspective. Such as importance of friendships. Or, one of the first posts from AVEN that really sticks in my head is an allosexual browsing and going, "OH! that makes so much sense now! I felt romantic attraction to these few people, but not sexual attraction. That always really bothered me."

thank you so much for this post, these past couple of comments have been really hurtful and demeaning. i thought AVEN was a place where everyone atleast TRIED to understand everyone but now i see that is not the case, I posted this forum just as a demisexual identifier question and got something much more so thank you very much.

[Valar Morghulis]

Im sorry to hear that people find offensive and hurtful that asexual people on the asexuality visibility and education network are trying to explain how identifying as asexual when you are demisexual can hurt visibility.

And I do the same as Frigid Pink, when outside of AVEN, where the labels have no meaning unless you get into them, I just say Im not interested in sex nor romance. In my experience thats the best way to get a point across and be understood, and whats more important at the end is comunication.

[SkyWorld]

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SkyWorld

Asexual Q&A Moderator