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Curious question on identifying other peoples sexual preferences


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Hello,

This morning I began to wonder if it was just me that has difficulties in identifying the sexual preferences of other people? When I was in my 30's it was a running joke among my friends that I had no "Gaydar". Or in other words I could not identify a Gay person if my life depended on it, unless they were overtly Gay. Now I'm wondering if this could be because I'm an Asexual and if others also have this sort of difficulty? Or perhaps I'm just naive? :blush::cake:

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LOL! I'm 20 years married to a gay man...and I still have no clue what that means. Except for the fact that our marriage is open, and that I trust that him telling me he is "stepping out" to be with guys is true, I can't see anything gay about him. So count me in, flamboyant/"butch" or effeminate/masculine I can recognize, but gay I can not!

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You generally can't just magically tell peoples sexual preferences unless they are very obvious in how they dress or act (ie a man wearing tight leather pants and flirting with other men instead of women at a club or something) but a lot of the time you can't tell who is who when it comes to sexual preference unless they verbally say "I'm gay" "I'm ace" or whatever.

EDIT: and a man wearing tight leather pants doesn't automatically mean he's gay, just as a woman cutting her hair off and wearing Doc Martens doesn't automatically mean she's a lesbian.

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One other comment....within the world of "mixed orientation marriages" (gay or trans spouse paired with a traditionally "straight" spouse) the stereotype in the literature (which may now be 20 years old a I haven't kept current) is that "straight" spouses who find themselves in this relationships, typically unknowingly, are persons with a history of sexual abuse/trauma or have "other sexual issues" which makes them well suited for relationships with low sexual expectations. Noting that logically I see asexuality as falling within the "other sexual issues" umbrella (which is not to say that I see it as an "issue" per-say, but rather as a difference and likely just a different point on a spectrum). What amazes me, is that of all the "straight spouses" I have met in person and on-line, and there have been a fair number (e.g., 50 or more) *I* am the only one who seems to fit this stereotype....and prior to finding AVEN and asexuality, aromantism, agender, etc., I never fit any stereotype!

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allrightalready

i know a lot of non heteronormative people (people who are out about it) and judging by them it is not really possible to tell by just looking at anyone

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You generally can't just magically tell peoples sexual preferences.....

I generally agree with this statement, but I think there is an unspoken language or vibe that many sexuals are attuned to, that just doesn't register with me. I also tend to be a fairly direct person, and if someone tells me, for example, that they do not have an opinion about something, I tend to believe them, only to find out after the fact that I was the only person in the room who did.....I think it's all related.

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It's nothing to do with orientation, but with unspoken rules of behaviour. I don't understand these rules myself, and I'm sexual. What it could be related to is the autism spectrum, and a lot of AVEN people are on there, so that would explain why a lot of people here have the same issue.

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Lol guys lots of sexual people can't automatically magically tell if someone is gay. I've known lots of lesbians who were always getting hit on by guys and then when they tried to say they were lesbian the guys were like "are you sure?" and kept trying to have sex with them because they couldn't accept the women were lesbian (you've got long hair and you're wearing a short dress, *clearly* not a lesbian -eye roll-) .

It's quite funny how people in the ace community come up with these odd theories about the magical ways sexual people are different to them. Seriously, it's normal to not be able to tell someone's sexual orientation unless they are very obvious about it.

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Apparently my cousin has been openly gay for years and has been bringing her girlfriend to the family christmas get-together for years but i only figured out 3 years ago she was gay.... sharp as a knife I am!

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It's quite funny how people in the ace community come up with these odd theories about the magical ways sexual people are different to them. Seriously, it's normal to not be able to tell someone's sexual orientation unless they are very obvious about it.

So, if you were to caught me enjoying looking at a woman's buns and melons, you'd assume I'm straight just because I might look there for more than just a couple of seconds. Yeah, ok...

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Lol guys lots of sexual people can't automatically magically tell if someone is gay. I've known lots of lesbians who were always getting hit on by guys and then when they tried to say they were lesbian the guys were like "are you sure?" and kept trying to have sex with them because they couldn't accept the women were lesbian (you've got long hair and you're wearing a short dress, *clearly* not a lesbian -eye roll-) .

A lot of them can tell much easier than I could. The guys you mentioned as example probably were too horny to even notice the signs they were probably receiving. But there are behaviour "codes" that most rationally behaving sexuals use to communicate attraction, and when someone doesn't use those signals toward the opposite sex at all, there's a higher chance than usual that they aren't straight. I couldn't tell, which is probably how I ended up with an asexual without realizing.

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It's quite funny how people in the ace community come up with these odd theories about the magical ways sexual people are different to them. Seriously, it's normal to not be able to tell someone's sexual orientation unless they are very obvious about it.

So, if you were to caught me enjoying looking at a woman's buns and melons, you'd assume I'm straight just because I might look there for more than just a couple of seconds. Yeah, ok...

If you read all my comments here you would see I said "unless someone is openly flirting with people of the same sex" .. that means "hey baby, daaaamn you're looking fine, you can't possibly be single can you? Your arse is looking damn fine in those jeans honey" (and so on and so on) and making gestures to touch them etc, ie openly flirting. And I didn't infer that was definitely indicative or their sexuality, just that it could be suggestive. That's generally the only way most people tell.

I never said "glancing at a woman's arse or tits" .. I do that all the time and I'm not sexual.

And you just said "enjoying staring at a woman's buns and melons for more than a few seconds" which is actually very offensive behaviour unless you're in a relationship with said woman, watching her on a screen, or at a strip club. There is a huge difference between a casual glance (most people do it) and actively staring. I hope you're not walking around doing that because that can make people very uncomfortable.

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nanogretchen4

Some gay people who are out and active in a gay community want to be easily identifyable as a political statement or to more easily meet other gay people. They make certain fashion choices or use certain vocabulary and mannerisms. I am a bisexual woman and have had a lot of exposure to the "gay accent". I would notice that within seconds.

Same sex couples are usually immediately obvious even when trying to be discreet. There's always something couply about them.

Some gay people seem to slip through almost everyone's gaydar, though. People always think I'm straight. Even when I identified as lesbian, was dating a woman, hung out with gay organizations, and wore gay pride gear, people thought I was a straight ally. Clearly I couldn't master the accent.

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It's quite funny how people in the ace community come up with these odd theories about the magical ways sexual people are different to them. Seriously, it's normal to not be able to tell someone's sexual orientation unless they are very obvious about it.

So, if you were to caught me enjoying looking at a woman's buns and melons, you'd assume I'm straight just because I might look there for more than just a couple of seconds. Yeah, ok...

If you read all my comments here you would see I said "unless someone is openly flirting with people of the same sex" .. that means "hey baby, daaaamn you're looking fine, you can't possibly be single can you? Your arse is looking damn fine in those jeans honey" (and so on and so on) and making gestures to touch them etc, ie openly flirting. And I didn't infer that was definitely indicative or their sexuality, just that it could be suggestive. That's generally the only way most people tell.

I never said "glancing at a woman's arse or tits" .. I do that all the time and I'm not sexual.

And you just said "enjoying staring at a woman's buns and melons for more than a few seconds" which is actually very offensive behaviour unless you're in a relationship with said woman, watching her on a screen, or at a strip club. There is a huge difference between a casual glance (most people do it) and actively staring. I hope you're not walking around doing that because that can make people very uncomfortable.

And none of those indicates they are of that sexuality. They're suggestive. And, I think I remember seeing some straight girls flirting with some other girls that way in high school and for the most part, I remember them being just into boys and not girls that way. As far as looking, I only look there when they wouldn't have a chance of me noticing. Why would I look just to make them think I'm into that or that, I wouldn't want to send the message that I am sexual, and I don't even glance there when they have a chance of seeing me glancing. I know that some people are curious about what am I into as I am very quiet, but it's really none of their business.

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It's quite funny how people in the ace community come up with these odd theories about the magical ways sexual people are different to them. Seriously, it's normal to not be able to tell someone's sexual orientation unless they are very obvious about it.

So, if you were to caught me enjoying looking at a woman's buns and melons, you'd assume I'm straight just because I might look there for more than just a couple of seconds. Yeah, ok...

If you read all my comments here you would see I said "unless someone is openly flirting with people of the same sex" .. that means "hey baby, daaaamn you're looking fine, you can't possibly be single can you? Your arse is looking damn fine in those jeans honey" (and so on and so on) and making gestures to touch them etc, ie openly flirting. And I didn't infer that was definitely indicative or their sexuality, just that it could be suggestive. That's generally the only way most people tell.

I never said "glancing at a woman's arse or tits" .. I do that all the time and I'm not sexual.

And you just said "enjoying staring at a woman's buns and melons for more than a few seconds" which is actually very offensive behaviour unless you're in a relationship with said woman, watching her on a screen, or at a strip club. There is a huge difference between a casual glance (most people do it) and actively staring. I hope you're not walking around doing that because that can make people very uncomfortable.

And none of those indicates they are of that sexuality. They're suggestive. And, I think I remember seeing some straight girls flirting with some other girls that way in high school and for the most part, I remember them being just into boys and not girls that way. As far as looking, I only look there when they wouldn't have a chance of me noticing. Why would I look just to make them think I'm into that or that, I wouldn't want to send the message that I am sexual, and I don't even glance there when they have a chance of seeing me glancing. I know that some people are curious about what am I into as I am very quiet, but it's really none of their business.

The point of what I was saying is that it's often very difficult to tell someones sexuality just from looking at them, regardless of what sexuality you are!

That's all I was saying lol don't try to pick arguments out of thin air. And I was in a hurry when I first replied to you this morning. What I was referring to when I said ''unless they are very obvious about it'' was if they make it obvious, ie if they TELL people they are homosexual, bisexual whatever.

I was in the middle of making lunches for school and kindergarten etc, as well as making breakfasts, during all my original posts in this thread, which is why I wasn't crystal clear with my wording (by that I mean, explaining every single little thing I said, like I am having to do now... as this seems to be the only way some people around here can understand what one is trying to say).

What I was saying is unless the person themselves intentionally makes their sexuality obvious by telling people, it can often be impossible to know (regardless of your own sexuality) .. You randomly pulled out of thin air ''If I stare at a womans tits or arse, that makes me straight? yeah ok....'' .. which is absolutely not what I was referring to (did I ever say ''if a guy is staring at a womans tits he's obviously straight''? no lol)

What you saw straight girls doing in highschool is regular female behavior (complimenting each other on looks etc) .. I personally can tell if a female is just complimenting me, or actively trying to flirt me. If she is trying to flirt with me (as in, actively being sexually suggestive in the hopes I will be sexually suggestive back, which may lead to some form of sexual interaction) I know she is bi or lesbian without needing to ask. If a man is actively flirting with me (same definition for flirting here) I know he is straight or bi. Maybe you can't tell the difference between flirting and general compliments, but I can, so for me, who someone flirts with is an indication of their sexuality (depending on the type and intensity of the flirtation)

Note I said indication not ''that tells me he is definitely gay''

Reptillian: And none of those indicates they are of that sexuality. They're suggestive
suggestion
səˈdʒɛstʃ(ə)n/
noun
  1. 1.
    an idea or plan put forward for consideration.
    "here are some suggestions for tackling the problem"
  2. 2.
    something that implies or indicates a certain fact or situation.
    "there is no suggestion that he was involved in any wrongdoing"
    synonyms: insinuation, hint, implication, intimation, innuendo, imputation
    "there is no suggestion that the Secretary of State was party to a conspiracy"

    This is my actual quote (as you clearly missed it despite having quoted me using it, lol)

    And I didn't infer that was definitely indicative or their sexuality, just that it could be suggestive.
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The point of what I was saying is that it's often very difficult to tell someones sexuality just from looking at them, regardless of what sexuality you are!

That is a fair point.

That's all I was saying lol don't try to pick arguments out of thin air. And I was in a hurry when I first replied to you this morning. What I was referring to when I said ''unless they are very obvious about it'' was if they make it obvious, ie if they TELL people they are homosexual, bisexual whatever.

Thing is the "very obvious" doesn't require one to interpret it as something like telling people what they are. It could refer to the behavior of a individual and the implication of that behavior. That's what I wanted to point out.

What you saw straight girls doing in highschool is regular female behavior (complimenting each other on looks etc) .. I personally can tell if a female is just complimenting me, or actively trying to flirt me. If she is trying to flirt with me (as in, actively being sexually suggestive in the hopes I will be sexually suggestive back, which may lead to some form of sexual interaction) I know she is bi or lesbian without needing to ask. If a man is actively flirting with me (same definition for flirting here) I know he is straight or bi. Maybe you can't tell the difference between flirting and general compliments, but I can, so for me, who someone flirts with is an indication of their sexuality (depending on the type and intensity of the flirtation)

Sometimes, the difference between flirting and complimenting is just hard to put down, and then there are people who do like flirting a lot, but they're not neccessarily attracted to the receiver of the flirting. I could tell you a story of the platonic relationship with a lady I had, and it has a tone of sexuality involved, but you already read it. I'll repeat the story.

One day, I was looking a girl, and I blushed so hard on her. She liked that I blushed on her. Then, for about 2 weeks, she seem to be obvious about looking up and down on me, and I was pretty cool with that. I responded by doing the same with her and indicating that I enjoy looking at her body. She liked that I do that, and I liked that she was doing that on me. So we continue with that for that long even if she was right next to her boyfriend (her boyfriend didn't really give a fuck about the obviousness of our behavior). So, in her mind, I'd probably have to wager a guess that she thinks I'm heterosexual, but she would be very wrong about that. Despite the behavior, I can't consider myself straight if straight means heterosexual. She never knew until I told her that I am not into sex or anything. She didn't seem surprised, or didn't care about that. If I had to wage a guess at her sexuality, either bisexuality or heterosexuality, but I can't really rule out asexuality at all. Hell, I can't rule out the possibility of her being homosexual, and she just like to flirt with guys like that. Also, for all I know, without her having a boyfriend, she could be very well be a lesbian (not neccessarily with the sexual attraction component), and she loves doing that with guys.

For many people, the interactions between me and the girl implies we're both heterosexual, or straight as in heterosexual, but that's all it implies. Most people do not know of aesthetic attraction can be separate from sexual attraction, and many people do not know about asexuality. If they did, then more people would question if our interactions even mean we're both heterosexual.

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Whoa, take it easy people! I really didn't think I was going to start such a controversy with my question! There is obviously a lot of strong opinions on the subject.

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ButterfliesOnWatch

I'm really bad at it. It took me several months to figure out that one of my friends who is in their own words "flamingly queer", was queer.

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