thekittyhawk Posted November 10, 2015 Share Posted November 10, 2015 Ummm help I've identified as ace for a few months now, and because I'm quite neutral about sex generally I thought it fitted me quite well. But now I have a girlfriend... I'm a bit confused. Slight TMI warning, sorry. I think I have sort of sexual feelings for her? Like, when we kiss it's awesome and I want it to continue, and I find myself getting a bit turned on?? But I'm not explicitly thinking about actually doing the frickle frack unless I actually play it out in my head and think "what would this be like?" and it does kind of *work* for me. I might be willing to try it, but I can't really imagine how I would feel about it actually happening. Just going to say, I really am not hoping for anything either way. Being sexual would probably be easier in relationships but just the same I don't mind being ace. I'm just looking for any insight! So... Do people really think explicitly about having sex with that person, fantasizing etc, or can it be more subtle like what I said above? Is this sexual attraction? Quote Link to post Share on other sites
CosineTheCat Posted November 10, 2015 Share Posted November 10, 2015 Congratulations on your girlfriend :) as for your questions about sexuality, have you been in a relationship before? because if not there is always a possibility that you're demisexual, or someone who does not feel sexual attraction until close emotional bonds are formed. sometimes I think that it would be hard to know if you're demisexual until you've had those emotional bonds before. Even if not, asexual can experience a libido, which is different than sexual attraction. I guess the real question is, are you getting turn on and wanted to be with her sexually (I personally would consider this demisexuality if you've already accepted your asexuality) or are you getting sexually excited at the situation because it's stimulating (something that falls more into a libido that is at play) Either way, and all other possibilities, hopefully this helped in some way :) Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Guest Posted November 10, 2015 Share Posted November 10, 2015 So... Do people really think explicitly about having sex with that person, fantasizing etc, or can it be more subtle like what I said above? Is this sexual attraction? That's sexual attraction, yes. I think one of the biggest misconceptions on AVEN is that sexuals get a big "put your penis in there" flashing sign over their heads or something. It's really far more subtle... it's a desire to keep going, to keep touching, to get closer and closer and closer, and eventually, closer means sex. Over time, as you have more and more sex, your brain makes shortcuts, and eventually, arousal will be shortcut to "I want sex". That's more of a classical conditioning kinda thing, though, and can't happen until you have some experience under your belt. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Hardly any Posted November 10, 2015 Share Posted November 10, 2015 One thing is for certain. If your girlfriend and discovery of sexual attraction make you happy, do not limit yourself by the labels you've chosen or the ones you want to use. Do what makes you happy ace or not ace. We'll still like you here. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Star Bit Posted November 10, 2015 Share Posted November 10, 2015 You can obviously try having sex, and may even enjoy it, but if you don't have the desire to; to do genital involving things with your partner, then that's asexual, no matter how sensual it gets asexuality strictly applies to sex. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Frigid Pink Posted November 11, 2015 Share Posted November 11, 2015 I define "asexuality" as "no desire for partnered sex." Other possible definitions are "an enduring lack of sexual desire for others" as well as "an enduring lack of sexual inclinations/feelings towards others." Basically, an "asexual" person isn't drawn towards sexual interaction with others. Beyond that, it varies from person to person, regardless of sexual orientation. With that said, I think it's okay to be whatever sexuality we happen to be (as long as it's "safe, sane, and consensual"), so, I definitely wouldn't let the labels dictate my behavior. I definitely believe and support equal rights for everyone (regardless of sexual orientation) and we all have a right to choose the life and lifestyle that works best for us (happiness isn't "one-size fits all"). I don't really have much to add other than that. I wish you the best! Quote Link to post Share on other sites
thekittyhawk Posted November 11, 2015 Author Share Posted November 11, 2015 Thanks for the support :) I do understand a bit better now, and I think it could be what Cosine said about the libido thing. I'm getting turned in by the kissing and by the fantasies but not necessarily wanting it to go any further. Having said that I feel... less ace than before? I could still be demi, so I'm just gonna see how it goes. I'll be happy either way Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Emily_On_Earth Posted November 11, 2015 Share Posted November 11, 2015 I feel this way too! I want to just keep getting closer and closer as I keep going with this guy, to the point where I wish we could be "one," but more like that I want to like dissolve into his skin lol. I totally get the part about thinking, what would it be like if, and then feeling like it would kinda work for me. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Guest Posted November 12, 2015 Share Posted November 12, 2015 Ummm help I've identified as ace for a few months now, and because I'm quite neutral about sex generally I thought it fitted me quite well. But now I have a girlfriend... I'm a bit confused. Slight TMI warning, sorry. I think I have sort of sexual feelings for her? Like, when we kiss it's awesome and I want it to continue, and I find myself getting a bit turned on?? But I'm not explicitly thinking about actually doing the frickle frack unless I actually play it out in my head and think "what would this be like?" and it does kind of *work* for me. I might be willing to try it, but I can't really imagine how I would feel about it actually happening. Just going to say, I really am not hoping for anything either way. Being sexual would probably be easier in relationships but just the same I don't mind being ace. I'm just looking for any insight! So... Do people really think explicitly about having sex with that person, fantasizing etc, or can it be more subtle like what I said above? Is this sexual attraction? I read this post aloud to my ladyfriend and she said "All I'm hearing is NORMAL PERSON, NORMAL PERSON. What the hell do they think regular people think about?" Of course, when I started typing the above she said "I don't know what you think you're accomplishing. You're screaming into the wind." Quote Link to post Share on other sites
R_1 Posted November 12, 2015 Share Posted November 12, 2015 So... Do people really think explicitly about having sex with that person, fantasizing etc, or can it be more subtle like what I said above? Is this sexual attraction? That's sexual attraction, yes. I think one of the biggest misconceptions on AVEN is that sexuals get a big "put your penis in there" flashing sign over their heads or something. It's really far more subtle... it's a desire to keep going, to keep touching, to get closer and closer and closer, and eventually, closer means sex. Over time, as you have more and more sex, your brain makes shortcuts, and eventually, arousal will be shortcut to "I want sex". That's more of a classical conditioning kinda thing, though, and can't happen until you have some experience under your belt. Well, if that is sexual attraction, then I must be lying to myself, but you know, I never did actually feel that I actually want to go further than just thinking about it. Lemme check the last time I think about that, yeah, that's when I was 16, and the urges to actually want to go further just died there. Also, I'm pretty sure there are people into certain stuff, but can't imagine them actually you know wanting to do that and they don't even feel the urge to actually do that. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Guest Posted November 12, 2015 Share Posted November 12, 2015 I don't know if you're lying to yourself or not, but that's absolutely sexual attraction. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Tarfeather Posted November 12, 2015 Share Posted November 12, 2015 ... This whole discussion is why I've re-modelled my view of sexuality in my mind. Lots of asexuals experience some of the "chain of sexual attraction". The difference is that for them, it doesn't get to the result of actually wanting sex. You can not possibly know that you're sexual, if you've never had sex. Maybe you like fantasizing about it, but don't like the experience itself? You wouldn't know. So for the OP, this just isn't the time to draw conclusions. You can't infer your sexual orientation from here; Rather, you have to observe/experience it. In other words, have patience. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
R_1 Posted November 12, 2015 Share Posted November 12, 2015 I don't know if you're lying to yourself or not, but that's absolutely sexual attraction. By that logic, if I fantasize about fucking a car, then it mean I am sexually attracted to cars. Um, ok... Yeah, I just can't even if I do... Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Tarfeather Posted November 12, 2015 Share Posted November 12, 2015 I don't know if you're lying to yourself or not, but that's absolutely sexual attraction. By that logic, I fantasize about fucking a car mean I am sexually attracted to cars. Um, ok... Yeah, I just can't even if I do... If you regularly and persistently fantasize about fucking a car, yes, I think that is a safe inference to make. :> Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Guest Posted November 12, 2015 Share Posted November 12, 2015 I don't know if you're lying to yourself or not, but that's absolutely sexual attraction. By that logic, if I fantasize about fucking a car, then it mean I am sexually attracted to cars. Um, ok... Yeah, I just can't even if I do... Yeah that's actually a thing. There are people who are sexually attracted to their cars and desire sex with them (and actively have sex with them too) http://www.telegraph.co.uk/news/newstopics/howaboutthat/2000899/Man-admits-having-sex-with-1000-cars.html He's still sexual, but he's sexually attracted to cars instead of people. https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Mechanophilia Apparently it's a crime to have sex with machines/bikes/cars in the UK http://www.telegraph.co.uk/news/uknews/1567410/Man-who-had-sex-with-bike-in-court.html Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Telecaster68 Posted November 12, 2015 Share Posted November 12, 2015 "Apparently it's a crime to have sex with machines/bikes/cars in the UK" Not if they give enthusiastic consent. And all us Brits know cups of tea are right sluts. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
thekittyhawk Posted November 12, 2015 Author Share Posted November 12, 2015 Ummm help I've identified as ace for a few months now, and because I'm quite neutral about sex generally I thought it fitted me quite well. But now I have a girlfriend... I'm a bit confused. Slight TMI warning, sorry. I think I have sort of sexual feelings for her? Like, when we kiss it's awesome and I want it to continue, and I find myself getting a bit turned on?? But I'm not explicitly thinking about actually doing the frickle frack unless I actually play it out in my head and think "what would this be like?" and it does kind of *work* for me. I might be willing to try it, but I can't really imagine how I would feel about it actually happening. Just going to say, I really am not hoping for anything either way. Being sexual would probably be easier in relationships but just the same I don't mind being ace. I'm just looking for any insight! So... Do people really think explicitly about having sex with that person, fantasizing etc, or can it be more subtle like what I said above? Is this sexual attraction? I read this post aloud to my ladyfriend and she said "All I'm hearing is NORMAL PERSON, NORMAL PERSON. What the hell do they think regular people think about?" Of course, when I started typing the above she said "I don't know what you think you're accomplishing. You're screaming into the wind." Haha! So you think this is attraction? Maybe I'm just scared or something? I mean, yeah I like kissing but I'm not sure about the idea of putting my face in genitalia. Doesn't seem like something I want to do. Maybe my body wants it and my mind doesn't. I don't know. Sorry to your friend xD Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Hardly any Posted November 13, 2015 Share Posted November 13, 2015 I think it's normal to take a while to actually get comfortable with the bits. Even if the desire to have sex isn't sprung upon you out of nowhere. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Guest Posted November 13, 2015 Share Posted November 13, 2015 Yeah I don't know what you guys think is normal, but being totally weirded out and not knowing if you're ready (and not being ready!) are completely and totally normal. Feeling attraction has nothing to do with whether you are or are not ready to have sex, whether you know or do not know what you're doing, etc. Apprehension is more normal than no apprehension, IMO. I'm 37 years old and have had dozens of sex partners and I still get nervous before I sleep with someone new. It's weird and nothing else is like it and it's intimate and it can be awkward and people all have different preferences (really different preferences)... so yeah, reluctance, reticence, apprehension... all very normal. Also, just FYI, you can be sexual and never, ever, ever want to have oral sex. That's not all that unusual. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Hardly any Posted November 13, 2015 Share Posted November 13, 2015 We assume that sexual people read the f*cking manual and we just didn't get one. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Guest Posted November 13, 2015 Share Posted November 13, 2015 We assume that sexual people read the f*cking manual and we just didn't get one. That's hilarious. I'd say I've seen more kids who are uniformed about sex than I've seen asexuals on AVEN lately. We need AVEN sex ed immediately I think. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
binary suns Posted November 14, 2015 Share Posted November 14, 2015 So... Do people really think explicitly about having sex with that person, fantasizing etc, or can it be more subtle like what I said above? Is this sexual attraction? That's sexual attraction, yes. I think one of the biggest misconceptions on AVEN is that sexuals get a big "put your penis in there" flashing sign over their heads or something. It's really far more subtle... it's a desire to keep going, to keep touching, to get closer and closer and closer, and eventually, closer means sex. Over time, as you have more and more sex, your brain makes shortcuts, and eventually, arousal will be shortcut to "I want sex". That's more of a classical conditioning kinda thing, though, and can't happen until you have some experience under your belt. can I frame this and put it on my wall? it puts everything in a better perspective than I thought even possible lol xD Quote Link to post Share on other sites
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