My Boyfriend might be Asexual

[erinlynn]

I'm hoping I can maybe get some advice. I've been with my boyfriend for 3.5 years and we had been best friends two years prior to this. He knows me better than anyone and he is everything I have ever wanted in a partner. When we started our relationship there were sexual aspects to it. We were (and are) both virgins. We would basically do everything but intercourse. And that was great. But probably six months after we started dating he lost interest. At first we would kiss a little but slowly even that stopped. Now he'll only kiss me when I ask and its quick little pecks. He doesn't seem to want to show any sort physical affection. He always talked about how he was depressed and thats what was keeping him from me but recently he told me he has absolutely no interest in sex. He said he can picture us getting married some day but never having sex. Which is hard because I do think about it quite a lot. I always thought it was something that was going to get better that his problems were going to be fixed and we would have a healthy sexual relationship but now it seems that there isn't a problem that its just his sexuality. I guess what I'm hoping for is in site into if he is actually asexual since he seems to think he isn't and what that means for me. I don't want to continue hurting him by pushing him to do something that he doesn't want to do but I don't think I could live without him. Sex isn't everything but I can't shut my desires off anymore than he can turn them on. Is there anyway to find a compromise?

[khathleesi]

Hey!
The good news is that there is possibly a way to find compromise. The less good news is that the only way to know how or what kind is to talk to him.

It does sound like he's asexual. I would look around on some of the forums if I were you--see if some of what you see seems to apply to him. You may want to encourage him to do the same. You can't necessarily label him as asexual, but it's your sex life too (or lack thereof), so you deserve the right to open a dialogue about it. And probably both of you could do with additional information and reading about other people's experiences.

The important thing here is going to be communication. If you two can't openly communicate, it's going to be difficult for this problem to go anywhere but south. It's also going to take a lot of patience, and a lot of open-mindedness on both your parts. But in order for anything to get resolved, you both have to know where you stand on sex. Are you willing to give up sex? Is he willing to have it every once in a while? Is he completely repulsed by sex or does he think he would/could tolerate or even enjoy it? Are you willing to open your relationship so that you can have sex with others?

I know this wasn't particularly helpful, but it's what this matter boils down to. If you ever need to vent or you need an ace perspective on things, feel free to message me. I know what you're going through is complicated and not at all what you expected when you got into this relationship. I wish you the best of luck. <3

[Star Bit]

Did he lose sexual desire toward you or did he never desire it in the first place and eventually couldn't bring himself to sexually compromise anymore? You said he denies being asexual? All an asexual is is someone who doesn't desire sex (this has nothing to do with masturbation or sexually compromising). Though maybe he'd feel more comfortable identifying with something he has instead of something he doesn't. There are romantic orientations. If he's not bi, it would be called heteroromantic. Now, if it's the first thing i asked in my very first sentence, then he may be Fraysexual (which is under the Gray-asexual/Gray-sexual umbrella; depending on which way one feels they fall more toward, and it sounds less odd lol, though it's far less specific as it's a large umbrella). It means he started out with desiring sex with you, but that it faded away after a period of time. Well, either way, you either accept a sexless relationship, have an open or polyamorous relationship, or end what's not working because of a perfectly valid major issue that's too disruptive/unhealthy to ignore. And about the sensual lacking, some asexuals can dislike sensual things they feel may lead to sex. Not everyone is into kissing either. Are you also lacking a satisfaction in romantic things as well? Then there's not just one issue, but two. Love can be blinding, really, and that's why you need to step back from that emotion and properly evaluate the relationship. Do not stay in a relationship because of Fear (of not finding another partner), Obligation (the years you've spent in it), or Guilt (not all break ups end in malice and it's perfectly normal to break up with love still present).

[Frigid Pink]

I'd ask myself, "Why do I want this relationship so badly?" and then think of ways I can give myself whatever it is I think this relationship gives me. It's okay to want a relationship and they can (and do) certainly add to happiness, however, it's not healthy to depend on a relationship (or another person) for your happiness. Your happiness is your responsibility.

Also, if there's an incompatibility, then there's no workable "solution," and it sounds like that may be the case here, and that's okay. It's up to you to decide what is and isn't tolerable. Overall, it's important to remember that your wants/needs/desires are just as important as those of your partner and a "solution" is one that works for both of you and is about the happiness of both people and not just one person.

As an aside, I think open relationships are okay if everyone involved is truly okay, comfortable, and happy with the arrangement. Open relationships aren't for everyone and I don't think they need to be forced on anyone, especially not as a solution for a relationship issue or problem.

I don't think love has to be so painful and I highly recommend this article about it.

I wish you the best!

[Telecaster68]

Sex isn't everything but I can't shut my desires off anymore than he can turn them on. Is there anyway to find a compromise?

Logically.... he has to get to a point where he's okay with having more sex than he naturally would, and you have to get to a point where you're okay with having less. Or none. Ever.

Speaking as the sexual partner in a 16 marriage which has gradually become sexless as my wife's menopause/lupus/other stuff killed off her already fragile sexuality, the hardest thing isn't the lack of physical sex, it's the lack of desire for you. It's never being jumped on, the feeling that your sexuality is always being tolerated (however lovingly) rather than reciprocated, it's never seeing that 'Gimme! Now!' look in their eyes... Ever. Not once. Ain't going to happen.

Some people can deal with that, others can't. (And asexuals are reading this thinking 'yes? And the problem here is?' :) )

And you have to keep that up for the rest of the relationship. Sometimes (from posts on here) that compromise gets easier, but it seems to me there are more posts where asexuals are saying 'I've tried, but I can't put up with sex any longer', or sexuals saying 'I really thought I could cope with not being sexually desired, but turns out after x months/years, I can't'. As StarBit says, love may not be enough, however much you both try to persuade yourselves it is.

I'm being a bit apocalyptic, I know. Some people make it work, because they can navigate that stuff. If they can't, it's probably better for both sides of the relationship to rip off the band aid sooner rather than later.

[erinlynn]

I just wanted to thank you all for your lovely advise. It has really helped me a lot over the past few days. I realize that the only way to get through this is to talk to him but I am grateful for your perspective since you know more about this than me. Unfortunately love isn't always enough but we are going to try to figure this out. He said his past desires for me were very real and honest. I'm not holding out hope that they will come back but I am hoping we can figure out a compromise of some sort. And I believe the only reason he denies being Asexual his just because of the label. He probably felt like I was diagnosing him when I asked more than anything. Again thank you so much for your advice.

[Star Bit]

Hmm, i wonder if there's a Fraysexual support group *looks it up*

[erinlynn]

So before you brought up the term Fraysexual I had never heard it! It basically means that you are only sexually attracted to someone when you first start going with them right?

[Star Bit]

Correct.

It's under the Gray-sexual/Gray-asexual umbrella which some people prefer to go by since it sounds less obscure. Perhaps he'd prefer Gray-Heterosexual. But if you're looking for support for him then it's not the best term to look for that under because it's a wide umbrella. You're better off looking for Fraysexual or Reverse Demisexual (what it was called before) or Lithsexual threads (an umbrella term for an unpositive reaction to reciprocation; immediately or over time; more specifically it resulting in indifference, loss of interest, aversion, or repulsion; which has Fray under it in a way; Lith's loss of interest is reciprocation based so a way to keep the attraction is for the partner to be indifferent; while not every Fray loses interest for that reason/any reason, so the two terms have overlap but it's not actually fully under it).

[erinlynn]

Hm. Its hard because unfortunately my boyfriend falls into the stereo type that guys hate talking about there feelings for the most part. Its like when he's interested in talking he'll talk about anything but if he doesn't want to he can't. So I'm not sure because this sounds like what you are describing could be him but over the past couple years he's has been battling depression because of personal and family problems (deaths etc) so I feel like through all of this he has changed the way he feels about sex. He still seems the same in almost every other way and some ways he seems even better except this. And I'm trying to figure out how to help him and me keep our relationship together. I know love isn't always enough unfortunately but I don't want to give up quite yet. And even if we do break up he is still my best friend and he deserves to be happy. I'm still just trying to understand which why I'm grateful for all of the advice you guys have given me

[Star Bit]

If he won't talk to you then perhaps he'd talk to a therapist? It sounds like he needs one anyways with having possibly lingering issues from his previous (if not lingering) depression. Sometimes people need motivation, so perhaps a "if you don't get help I'm leaving you" will motivate him to get mentally healthy; which will benefit both of you. Such a heavy ultimatum is obviously a last resort, but I'm just saying. Also, was he on medication for the depression? I recently read a thread where the person had become asexual after going through a bad episode of depression and some commenters proposed it may have been caused by the medication she also took for it. Though he didn't have the depression/medication 6 months into your relationship now did he?

[erinlynn]

I've suggested talking to a therapist in the past but I think he is a little wary. I definitely think he would benefit from it. I honestly have been thinking about giving him an ultimatum but thats a hard decision to make. It seems with the new information he's put forth that it is probably what its coming down to. I'm pretty sure he hasn't been on any medication and I think that might be part of why he is afraid of talking to a therapist because he doesn't want to be put on anti depression medication. I guess this is whats making me confused about this situation because I'm not sure if its his depression or if its his sexuality and I feel very selfish for making it such a big deal but its been quite along time. So I'm just not sure what to do.

[Frigid Pink]

(excerpts below from the Baggage Reclaim website)

"‘Putting you first’ doesn’t mean that you are selfish; it means that you recognise that you cannot ignore or deprioritise you and expect to have a self left."

"You cannot enjoy healthy relationships with others or have anything left for you, if you’re drained out or broken down. Before you write off your endeavours to improve the way you treat and regard you as “selfish”, remember that if you don’t learn how to treat you with love, care, trust, and respect, you will find that even when others try to put you on equal footing, you will always be coming from a less than position. You must be for yourself before you can be for another."

"You can care about others *and* care about you too. They're not mutually exclusive and in fact work best when done together. When you treat and regard you with love, care, trust and respect, you engage in your relationships from a healthy place. Any person who expects you to destroy your well-being to meet their needs, expectations and desires, is not someone who has your best interests at heart."

[Star Bit]

I don't think people are forced to fill out perscriptions or even take them when in their presence. If he doesn't want them then he doesn't have to take them. He can tell the therapist that up front; "i want to get my issues sorted out without medication." If his sex life is going to be brought up in the therapy then i suggest a LGBT therapist because they're more likely to accept asexuality. Whether his asexuality has a cause or not, it sounds like he needs therapy for other reasons; depression, issues with his asexuality.

[erinlynn]

Those quotes are very true. And I guess I shouldn't feel guilty but its hard because in almost every other way he his the most loving and supportive person I know. He has always been there for me, so its hard to not feel guilty. But I started realizing that I'm not going to be happy until this issue is resolved and that we both deserve some answers. They definitely aren't forced to take prescriptions but I think its more the idea of being diagnosed and being offered the medication would make him feel like he's "crazy." I think he definitely needs to talk to a therapist. I'll do some research on therapists and LGBT therapists and give him the information and encourage him. If that doesn't work it may come down to an ultimatum. I feel bad that he his having to deal with all of this and I think when I bring up these issues he feels guilty and like he's hurting me which I guess to an extent he is but he's hurting himself more. I'm just nor sure how to get him to realize that.

[Sally]

I just wanted to thank you all for your lovely advise. It has really helped me a lot over the past few days. I realize that the only way to get through this is to talk to him but I am grateful for your perspective since you know more about this than me. Unfortunately love isn't always enough but we are going to try to figure this out. He said his past desires for me were very real and honest. I'm not holding out hope that they will come back but I am hoping we can figure out a compromise of some sort. And I believe the only reason he denies being Asexual his just because of the label. He probably felt like I was diagnosing him when I asked more than anything. Again thank you so much for your advice.

Compromise might be possible, but it would mean that neither of you are really fully happy with the situation. What you said that he told you struck me very definitely: "but recently he told me he has absolutely no interest in sex." He also said he would like to marry you, but with no sex involved.

So he has been honest with you. Now you need to be honest with yourself: knowing that, does this sound like a lifelong relationship that is right for you?

[Star Bit]

I feel bad that he his having to deal with all of this and I think when I bring up these issues he feels guilty and like he's hurting me which I guess to an extent he is but he's hurting himself more. I'm just nor sure how to get him to realize that.

Then tell him exactly that.

Considering his masculinity complex, i would say "I'm not saying you can't take care of things yourself, but sometimes people actually can't. I just want you to be both mentally and physically healthy because you know i care about you. If you end up not needing it then fine, but i want to make sure because of your past bad batch of depression. Our relationship could also be causing you grief and needing to talk about that with someone more informed is good too."

[erinlynn]

"Now you need to be honest with yourself: knowing that, does this sound like a lifelong relationship that is right for you?"

That is the question that I am struggling with. Because I do love him and I do not doubt the fact that he loves me but I'm not sure what to do with this information. I'm not sure that a sexless relationship will work but I think he is trying to still figure out his sexuality himself but I hope this relationship will work. I also think that he needs to get help but I think the only way to get him to do that is an ultimatum.

​That is very good advice and I say things like this to him but getting him to work up the courage (or possibly motivation) to actually go seek help is a problem. I am going to do some research on therapists and give him that and like I said possibly give him an ultimatum. The thing that concerns me too is that if he is suffering from depression and I leave him he might sink deeper and I don't know if there would be any pulling him back once he's there.

[Star Bit]

Yah, depression isn't always visible so he may still be suffering from it.

[Raven Star]

I just joined this group but this sounds so much like my situation. I am sexual and my bf and I think he might be asexual but he's not sure. Our relationship is awesome but this is an issue that comes up. Don't have any advice for you but I just wanted to say hi and see how you are working through this because I know for me it's new territory and really confusing sometimes.