Asexaulity and fear losing weight and becoming attractive?

[fandomlover115]

Hi, i'm 17 and im quite overweight. For years I have struggled with my weight and struggled with my parents about my health. I understand that asexuality is not a major contributing factor to my weight, but i just wonder if it' a contributing factor to my lack of motivation to lose weight.( side note: I also have depression which adds on) I want to be healthy, but I can't stand the thought of excercise-it's humilating sometimes. I understand the importance of it though, but I plan to get my diet straight first-because what's the point of excercise if you don't eat right. Unfortunatly this is kind of hard right now since I live with my dad and he doesn't exactly have healthy food in his refridgerator...:( Yet critisizes me about not eating healthy!

But my point is in the past when I would try to workout my mom would sometimes say things like, "You know if you lost sone weight, you would have the perfect hour glass figure that guys would love," To be honest I felt quite offended by it kind of because I felt like it was wrong to try to get me motivated to lose weight by using BOYS. It also made me incredibly anxious as well. I DIDN'T WANT BOYS TO PAY ATTENTION TO ME!! I have witnessed my sister come home ranting several times because of boy drama or the girls who were jealouse because boys liked her. It seemed horrible.

Also I've seen how total jerks can switch up and act like Prince Charming when really they are just thirsty douches sometimes.

At some points I've wondered if one the reason why I don't try to stop myself fron getting bigger is because I'm really anxious about guys being attracted to me. One thing I learned in High School is that it seems pretty girls usually have the hardest time with drama. Do you think this could be an implicit reason I don't really try to stop eating?

* Also important: I know of cases in my family of sexual abuse and rape which has made me paranoid of men even more because the perpertrators were male, and my sibling got pregnant at 16 when I was 14(also when I found out about the cases) and that made me even more weary of becoming attracted.

[superpig13]

Ok I totally feel this-- sometimes I don't put makeup on/don't bother getting dressed up because I'm afraid to look attractive to my male friends.

[Scottthespy]

Its possible that it's a subconscious factor. But, having had the clarity of mind to recognize that that might be part of it, you can easily counter it by reminding yourself that the only drama you'll have to deal with is saying younarent interested. And yes, I realize that can sometimes be no small amount of drama. But you won't have to deal with all the other parts of boy drama so much, which is a plus. Furthermore, I find that even with a socially conventional 'attractive' body, you might not get as much attention as you think. A lot of asexuals seem to put out this subconscious "not interested" vibe, that many people pick up on, and they don't even bother to ask.

Use your health and how good you feel about yourself as motivators. It can feel good to feel attractive, even if you don't want to attract people, and feeling healthy is always a mood booster. You are worthy of feeling good and being healthy, and should try not to let hypothetical boy attention convince you not to strive for those things.

[Queen Under the Mountain]

I believe it can be a factor, like superpig13 I also don't like dressing very well to avoid attention, not only from boys but from girl friends/family saying I'm looking good.

However, weight is important for your health. Think that weight is not the only factor to call people's attention, clothes and make up make a big difference too and you don't have to become super vain and girly just because you're thin. You can use bigger clothes that don't cling to your body, use a plain hairstyle, avoid make up, and boys won't bother you very much. Now if you really like to dress well, you can go improving your clothes choice with time, as you get more comfortable with your "new" body and with the attention you'll start to receive by dressing better.

[El-not-so-ace]

Yeah, if you don't act interested, it will help on its own. I used to be a little overweight, wear very modest non-trendy clothes and barely talked to guys or the more popular girls. This definitely helped me not attract anyone in particular. I remember that the final half of the year of the senior highschool year, when I started talking with everyone, many people noted that they wished that I did this earlier as we would have been good friends. :P

[Meudwen]

I feel this! I often go through phases where I want to dress up, etc, look good for me, but then as soon as I step out the door it's instant regret realizing people might actually look at me, might think that I made myself look nice for them. Eek! I'm also overweight and really wish I could lose it so that I'd feel less dysphoric in my body... but I'm way too self-conscious to even bring myself to exercise properly because I don't want people looking at me. Honestly, I've been overweight most of my life and I've come to realize that in the past, it was definitely done unconsciously as a way to protect myself from being seen as attractive. At this point I still feel the same but I'm also so tired of not living my life for myself! I hope we can both figure out how to get past this. ^_^ I have depression and anxiety too so I know firsthand it's a lot easier said than done.

Like everyone else said, don't let the idea of other people's drama get you down. If you don't allow drama into your life, then 99.9999% of the time it won't be there. People who have those problems are most often because they get involved in stuff they shouldn't, and when conflicts arise they perpetuate them and play games instead of keeping things simple and honest.

Your mom's attempts to motivate you... what a perfectly terrible thing to say! I hope you can find some time to explain to her that even though she means well, all she's really doing is freaking you out instead, that way she'll stop accidentally sabotaging not only your weight loss but also your general peace of mind.

[MoraDollie]

People are always going to find you attractive, no matter what you look like. My fiance jokes that "You can wear a paper bag and I'd still find you hot as hell". The point is, people are always going to like your body type and/or make sexual fetishes out of it. So the solution? Build your esteem in your own body type and don't take shit from no one :P

[Tarfeather]

If any of you with the "I don't want to be found attractive" issue want to trade bodies, I'm up for it~ With my body you pretty much never get such comments of any kind. :)

[confusedbat]

Wow, that sounds really rough. I'm sorry about the struggles you've gone through. I get stressed out about eating right and exercising too, so I understand how you feel with that. It's really good that you want to get healthy, and I think you should really communicate to your parents how important that is to you and maybe ask if you can get ingredients to make something healthy that you like if you don't have them already. I love making myself an omelet now and then and packing it with random veggies like hunks of arugula/baby spinach, green onion, bell pepper, mushroom, and cheese.

And about the weight, as it turns out your weight doesn't accurately measure your health, as everyone is built differently. When you start exercising a couple times a week (even just 30 minutes of walking a day is enough) and cut back on heavy, greasy foods, you will probably lose a bit of weight, but it all comes down to how you FEEL. If you feel good at a certain weight then just rock it and don't let anyone try to convince you that you need to "shrink yourself" for them. And you have endless options for what you can wear, since our generation has successfully proved to our fat-shaming society that big girls CAN wear crop tops and look good in them, and therefore, nothing is off limits. :) Ah sorry, I hope I'm not getting off topic. But I'm just saying this because I love fashion and find excuses to bring it up. And you can get exercise by dancing and (I know I know) doing house work or yard work or renovating, pretty much anything that involves physical activity. So exercise doesn't have to mean going to the gym or doing exercise videos, but it can also be walking somewhere and listening to music, going up and down stairs or hills, or dancing and stuff. And don't be afraid of the guys being attracted to you, they really don't matter. And it sucks about what your mom said too, but don't let what she says get to you. Everything you do, you do for yourself and it has nothing to do with them. I hope this was helpful to you in some way, feel better!

Hi, i'm 17 and im quite overweight. For years I have struggled with my weight and struggled with my parents about my health. I understand that asexuality is not a major contributing factor to my weight, but i just wonder if it' a contributing factor to my lack of motivation to lose weight.( side note: I also have depression which adds on) I want to be healthy, but I can't stand the thought of excercise-it's humilating sometimes. I understand the importance of it though, but I plan to get my diet straight first-because what's the point of excercise if you don't eat right. Unfortunatly this is kind of hard right now since I live with my dad and he doesn't exactly have healthy food in his refridgerator... :( Yet critisizes me about not eating healthy!
But my point is in the past when I would try to workout my mom would sometimes say things like, "You know if you lost sone weight, you would have the perfect hour glass figure that guys would love," To be honest I felt quite offended by it kind of because I felt like it was wrong to try to get me motivated to lose weight by using BOYS. It also made me incredibly anxious as well. I DIDN'T WANT BOYS TO PAY ATTENTION TO ME!! I have witnessed my sister come home ranting several times because of boy drama or the girls who were jealouse because boys liked her. It seemed horrible.
Also I've seen how total jerks can switch up and act like Prince Charming when really they are just thirsty douches sometimes.
At some points I've wondered if one the reason why I don't try to stop myself fron getting bigger is because I'm really anxious about guys being attracted to me. One thing I learned in High School is that it seems pretty girls usually have the hardest time with drama. Do you think this could be an implicit reason I don't really try to stop eating?
* Also important: I know of cases in my family of sexual abuse and rape which has made me paranoid of men even more because the perpertrators were male, and my sibling got pregnant at 16 when I was 14(also when I found out about the cases) and that made me even more weary of becoming attracted.

[booksoversex]

Men aren't beasts. They daily interact with women, good-looking ones even, without necessarily being attracted to them or wanting to hit on them. Do what feels right for you. If you are very overweight, you should probably lose some weight for health reasons. Your health is more important than whether you are found attractive or not.

[El-not-so-ace]

Something that I do is exercise to videos on YouTube. There's a little of every type on there so I never have the excuse of bad weather or travel time to exercise in my room. :P I picked one that made me exercise my stomache a lot more than the normal ones (called Core rhythms if anyone's interested). Twirling my butt felt super awkward first even if I was alone in my room, but it made me laugh at myself at first and then built up my self-confidence! So just do you. ^^

[fandomlover115]

Thanks!! For replying to my post you guys are really inspiring!! I understand that getting healthy is the most important thing out there for me right now for me. Thanks for the advice you guys you really help not feel so alone and think about things. My mom doesn't seem to use the same type of motivation as much anymore, but when comes to my parents I HATE trying to get healthy with them. They turn into sometimes just end up going straight hardcore when they start. I can't just jump into a routine like that. My mom is in the military and has fibromyalgia so she has stay healthy, and my dad was in the military and played football in high school, so it can be tough trying to have the same level of motivations as them. I'm afraid to tell them if I start excercising because I do not want to raise their expectation! But Thanks you guys!!!

[Autumn Season]

I love making myself an omelet now and then and packing it with random veggies like hunks of arugula/baby spinach, green onion, bell pepper, mushroom, and cheese.

Ooh yes, talk veggies to me! (*_*) ^_^

Another person here who doesn't like attention and expectations.

I usually try to avoid an appearance that looks like I tried for it. Because for some reason many think that I want others' attention if I put any effort into looking good. Meh. For example when my date kept complimenting my eye makeup, I stopped using it. I know they meant well, but it made me uncomfortable and I felt better afterwards.

Funny enough, most comments about my looks I get from family and friends and most comments which make me uncomfortable I get from my family. Stuff like "Stop biting your lips, they already look nice and rosy". Excuse me, what? 1) I am biting my lips because they're itching, not because I want them to look rosy. 2) The behavior you're talking about sounds messed up. 3) Stop assuming things and be so sure that you're right.

I can see how your parents putting pressure on you can be very uncomfortable. They need to respect that not everyone can (or should) live like them. I agree with the other posters who recommend taking baby steps and even staying at the baby steps level. The most important thing is to find a healthy behavior pattern which you can keep up long term, without having to think about it too much. It can change your life in an extreme way, so don't underestimate it.

Wish you lots of success!

[Peachyy]

Just today a man came into shop and proclaimed to me across the fucking store that I was, "getting more and more beautiful" everytime he came in. I was SO embarrassed. I mean, really. But those are compliments... He's not harassing me, and how is he (or anyone else) supposed to know that I don't enjoy being called out like that? No one knows that talking about my appearance makes me uncomfortable. And I really do like how I look, but its not for other people to unintentionally humiliate me. I dont even know why I feel so humiliated. But I do. I really dont like my mother to say that I have a "cute-little body" and I wish I could hide it. My father even assumed that I was trying to attract (male) attention because I got hair extensions. So, thats what people think. If you take care of yourself and have any ounce of aesthetic... You're looking for a date, or you certainly must go on lots. If you want to lose weight, its not just about health, its so that you'll look good for someone else. For "him". Feck. Nah.

Lose your weight, get yourself checked out (by a doctor!)

but I get it. And if you end up not having the motivation to work out, start by just maintaining your current weight or having a small goal to lose so that you dont have to overwhelm yourself all at once. It can be a slow process and you will gave lots of time to think about how you may cope with possible gazing or flirting if it means being healthy.

[fandomlover115]

This is one of many reasons I've preferred to be underweight -- you get less attention then, too. I don't just mean mildly underweight, I mean extremely emaciated. My desire to avoid being sexualised has been a factor in my struggles with eating disorders. (I'm currently within a normal weight range, though; I was severely anorexic in my teens and early 20s, recovered physically somewhat and gained some weight, and am now bulimic.) My mum used to comment on how I had such a nice figure prior to my disorder, how I could be really attractive again if I wanted to be, and I just kept thinking, "You don't get it, do you?! I don't want to be attractive! I want to be invisible."

It's a difficult feeling to get past, I understand that. If you don't want people to look at your body in certain ways, it's understandable that you'd try to make yourself not fit into society's ideals of conventional attractiveness. But a significantly unhealthy body weight -- whether overweight or underweight -- is a really harmful way to achieve this goal, and as I learnt the hard way, not worth it. You deserve good health and to be comfortable in your own skin. Is it possible for you to speak with someone, a therapist or counsellor perhaps, about the issues you're dealing with? Self-esteem, good eating habits, confidence, your fears regarding men, etc. are all things that people can help you with if you're interested.

Thank you so much, i'm sorry you have to struggle with that. I used to go to a therapist for my depression and anxiety, but haven't gone since I went away for the summer. I get quite nervous at the thought of telling my therapist that I'm asexual, because sometimes when you tell people that and try to explain it and your feelings behind it they can give you this look like, "You're being over dramatic right now" but i guess I can try seeing her again soon. I hope your struggle with your eating disorder gets better! But yeah sometimes when I think of reasons to lose weight other than to be healthy and comfortably wear tank-tops in public-I can't think of any real good ones. Like one reason would be to look better, but i don't want feel any pressure or anything. i naturally have a big butt and boobs and I know it sounds a bit dumb but I'm just worried that it would attracted unwanted comments or stares. I'm afraid of my family, because I may look a certain way, start assuming I'm doing sexual things or something, and I don't want that. I don't want family members or other people talking about me a certain way because I look or dress a certain way.

But I actually don't necessarily feel unhealthy, I just feel my weight which I know maybe unhealthy in size. But I don't really now at what point what my healthy weight would look like. I gained all this weight during puberty so my body has changed alot. I know I get a thick shape from my paternal side of my family but I don't neccessarily know what my healthy weight looks like. when I look in the mirror and try to imagine myself a healthy weight, gernerally it's an impossible skinny size, like the size I was when I was 12. Does a healthy weight consist of having a flat stomach or thigh's with little to know cellulite? Because the girls at my high school seem built like that but it seems impossible to get there. Does everything have to be toned on my body to be healthy? I just want to want to have a healthy goal that doesn't seem to impossible, something that seems more realistic.

[012]

Men aren't beasts. They daily interact with women, good-looking ones even, without necessarily being attracted to them or wanting to hit on them. Do what feels right for you. If you are very overweight, you should probably lose some weight for health reasons. Your health is more important than whether you are found attractive or not.

Thanks for saying this, now I don't have to. And it's more meaningful coming from a female.

[xSkylar]

I put on makeup everyday and take a lot of time to get ready and look presentable. But that is because I want to feel confident about myself, not for the sake of others.

Basically what I'm trying to say is, if you're going to make that decision to lose weight, lose weight for you. To have more self-confidence, self assurance, and something to be proud of. Maybe even happier! Don't worry about other people focusing more on you if you are attractive. It's also your body language and actions that may ultimately end up to guys approaching you, not just looks.