Childhood Rearing

[Jenya]

Hello folks! I am new here and this is my first post.

In this new topic I would like to ask all who identify themselves as asexual, how they were raised. Please explain in as much detail as possible.

From the earliest time you can remember, up to the age of 13. What do you recall in your childhood rearing?

The reason I ask is because at about five years, a child's lovemap is being formed. When the child turns 10 his sexual orientation is formed from hormonal change. And the child Libyans an orientation that is conditioned by h** environment.

After reading and doing much research on the book: How Sexual Desire Works, The Enigmatic Urge by Fredrick Toates

I am convinced that we are not born with a sexual orientation. I know some may not agree with me on this understanding, but please bear with me. I have done much research and this book I mentioned is a 2014 Cambridge University Press publication. I would highly recommend reading the book if you do not agree with my stance on the topic of sexual orientation.

Going back to the original question regarding your childhood. I want us to focus on specifically what you think caused you to form an asexual sexual orientation. And also one other small details that may seem irrelevant, such as how you played and interacted with toys. How was masturbation and sexuality viewed in the household?

I hope that I have not upset or disappointed anyone as I know that not all would agree with I said. My goal is not persuade or argue for my stance, but rather to learn. I hope that this new topic will be beneficial and insightful to all who participate and for those will be passing through. Thank you.

[Autumn Season]

First of all: Yes, I disagree. I follow the nature over nurture theory. Otherwise how do you explain sexual people who break free from a prude environment they were forced into as children and then enjoy their sexual lives as adults?

Secondly, to answer your question:

I was raised in a qiet little family. My parents were indulgent with me, without going out of their way to please me. My sister paid a lot of attention to me when she was still young, trying to reteach to me everything she learned in school. Sometimes I would throw fits because I didn't want to play with her, but otherwise we were good friends. The paternal grandfather used to invent stories to amuse us children, the paternal grandmother liked to complain about how nobody loved her. The maternal grandparents were always very proud of their family. The maternal grandfather likes to act like he knows everything best, so there is no arguing with him. The maternal grandmother always took care of us children when our parents were busy, stuffing us with candy and taking us for walks.

Basically I spent a lot of time with my family at home and in the surrounding area. While I found it easy to make friends in kindergarten, spending time with the other children was tiring.

When we moved to another country, I was five years old. I went to a couple of new kindergartens and finally to school. I kind of still talked to the other children, though I found it difficult to understand 1) what they said in the new language and, more importantly 2) their behavior. From my point of view they were hyperactive and annoying. (Just being honest.) I had friends, but only superficial ones. This situation almost didn't change, until I went to university. There I could finally connect with like-minded people and form satisfying relationships.

In my family we never talked openly about sexuality. I learned everything about this topic in school. Not that I was ever particularly interested. And I'm pretty sure I could have always brought up my concerns if I had any. But I was perfectly satisfied with what I knew.

I never had a libido and I didn't know masturbation even existed until... not sure. I needed a while and I didn't care.

I had rare crushes on boys ever since my first kindergarten. But I never wanted anything sexual with them, neither did I consider that they could want this in a romantic relationship. I didn't even want a relationship tbh. It always l looked like this boring thing that adults did.

Also, I was always happy to flee from social activities (incl. a relationship), which I already had way too much of.

Basically, I was introverted, self-absorbed and overwhelmed with school. I don't mean the subjects, I mostly had very good grades as a child. I mean being surrounded by a mass of people and being expected to interact. Every day was close to a nightmare.

Coming home, I usually did my own thing in my own room and my parents did their own thing in their own rooms, thankfully leaving me alone. To prevent misunderstandings: They were always there when I needed them.

And yeah... I nurtured my hobbies and made plans to change my life as soon as possible, which I did when I entered uni.

I tried to think of things which might be related to asexuality, but there really aren't any. Still maybe this post somehow helps anyway.

[Keumi]

I disagree. What about the people who grew up in a very homophobic environment but were homosexual/anything-but-heterosexual themselves? Or as Autumn said, those who were forced into a prude environment and then enjoy their sexual lives as adults? Or even those asexuals who grew up in a very sexually open, sex-positive environment?

Onto my childhood. I can't really think of much that I'd view as being linked to asexuality. I grew up with my parents and three older brothers. Pretty average family I guess. We all got along with each other for the most part. I suppose my parents liked to spoil me sometimes, being the only girl and the youngest haha. As for toys I played with things like dolls and Polly Pockets...Barbies even when I was young. The "generic girl toys" I guess you could say. I also spent a good amount of my time watching my brothers play video games--it was probably my favorite pastime.

I was a super shy kid. I still am very shy, but work and such has forced me to break out of that more. I had my first "crush" in first grade. My best friend at the time told me she liked this one guy and asked who I liked. I'm 99% sure I didn't even know what that meant at the time, so I just agreed with her and said I liked the same guy. We both "confessed" and had this awkward little 3-way thing going on. Anyways. We moved across the city after that and I went to a new school where I met new people who I went to school with until grade 9. I had maybe one or two other crushes from then until the time I graduated. The thought of doing anything sexual never really crossed my mind. It simply wasn't something I thought about or desired. I was curious about kissing and later on in high school I was also curious about sex, but it wasn't actually something I desired. It was more of a "oh well everyone is starting to do it, should I be too?" I sort of thought people just did it because it was what everyone was doing rather than doing it because they enjoyed and desired it.

My household wasn't necessarily super open about sex and masturbation, but it also wasn't really closed off. My brothers often poked fun at each other about masturbation, commenting on their shower times and sounds they can hear from the shower and so on. My dad even joined in on that sometimes. Of course, they always assumed such things went right over my head. I was often told by my parents when I was still pretty young that one day my chest would grow in and then "all the boys will be after you". Lol. We never really openly talked about sex, but they always told me to come to them if I had any questions, which I never did. It was pretty clear though that my dad was very homophobic which also spread to my brothers. I wasn't very social and generally only had one or two good friends growing up. They weren't sex obsessed or even interested in it. Heck, my best friend since 3rd grade recently told me she might also be asexual.

Yeah...that's about all I can think of saying.

[El-not-so-ace]

I do believe in the environment being influencial in cases where it changes you a bit from what you were by nature. Apparently, after a couple years in a small US town as a child, I went from a regular Russian child that didn't like wearing clothes to someone who would be very prudish. When we moved to Montreal, Canada when I was 7 years old, there was a big street with so many strip clubs and apparently I had an emotional breakdown. I've had a lot of anxiety and disgust towards any kinds of physical touch or sexual themes so I just learned to be very self-sufficient in terms of never really looking to date or anything. It stressed me out too much otherwise. I felt like I was definitely an asexual for many years and had just come to accept it. Then, someone challenged my way of thinking (in a good indirect way) and after doing some self-searching thanks to my university psychology classes, I found out that I was really just pretty much repressed and anxious even though this hadn't caused me any distress or been a conscious decision.

So yes, it can definitely have an effect on reducing any sort of attraction, though I don't believe it would make me change where my attraction would be going. So, for instance, I don't think environment could make someone who's gay to change to straight, but they can internalize and convince themselves that they're not attracted at all potentially. It's easier than changing someone completely from gay to straight for example, but I'm rambling now... :P

[Queen Under the Mountain]

I disagree for the same reason of everybody else. I do believe that the environment has power to change how you deal with your sexuality but not the power to change it.

I was a very active child, loved playing football (soccer) with my cousins, volleyball, ping-pong, run all day long, video games, computer games... I lived near the shore, so I was always going to the beach with my family too.

We don't talk about sex in my family but we aren't a prude one, my parents aren't super religious or anything. When I wanted to know how babies were made, I simply open a 3° grade sciences book and find out by myself, not because my parents wouldn't answer me but I always rather research my doubts alone.

I remember I never liked wearing girly things, play with dolls, wearing make up or anything typically female. I also never had crushes, I said once I liked a boy when was about 8, but I really only thought he was pretty. Along school people were always asking who I liked and I would invent someone, by high school I simply said I liked no one, but I was sure someday I would like and then I would feel like kissing and etc. Masturbation was something kind of alien to me until I was around 17, but until today I have a hard time believing people really masturbate thinking about real people.

The only sexual thing from my childhood I can remember, was that once I saw a James Bond movie at night and there was a sex scene, I was 9 and this was the first sex scene I ever saw. I remember I thought "wow he could do X" and the bondgirl said the same thing, Bond did and I was ":00000000". It's a very ridiculous story, but was my first contact with sex, and I think I can say it was rather positive.

[poindexter]

I think it can be down to nurture, as I've expressed before on this site, I think the nature argument is mainly used as a defence mechanism against suggestions that we can somehow change, which doesn't automatically follow anyways. I think nature/nurture is something of a false dichotomy and nurture can change our nature to some extent.

My family are all rather prudish about sex, it is never talked about, or at least if it is it's generally negative/detached like talking about biological systems/health that kind of thing. I'm the third of four sisters and a twin, and I think my relationship with my twin definitely shaped who I am as a person, and may well be the reason I don't feel the need to seek the company of others.

[Sisky]

Let's see...

I was a girl for all intents and purposes. My main interests were dinosaurs (and the hunting of imaginary ones with my predominantly male friends), action figures and TV shows (Power Rangers is one that comes to mind), adventure books, pirates, everything you can file under "you need a medieval weapon to do it", and video games. I also played with Barbie dolls (mostly for the clothes), plushies, kitchen stuff (real and toy versions), and ribbons/hairclips and the like. Nothing of this was ever encouraged or discouraged by my parents. When I showed interest in something, they accepted it.

Clothing wise, I usually wore clothes that would count as gender neutral today (mostly because they weren't as extremely gendered as today and were just kids clothes). Almost exclusively pants, though I did wear dresses on special occasions, not because I was pressured, but because I didn't really care. Clothes were just something that kept cold and nasty nettles away.

I was always the odd one out, so I had a lot of leeway, I literally cannot remember a single instance where anyone disapproved of something linked to gender and sexuality (my complete lack of awareness of social cues must have come across as flat out not caring, so they probably didn't see any point in trying to make me conform to anything), though I was frequently told by teachers I should be more like other children, as in more cheerful, more social, more everything you really have no interest in being when humans are that weird species that either leaves you alone or tortures you for fun.

There was one incident in 10th grade (!) when my teacher tried to tell me I couldn't wear the pants I was wearing, and I still did because I was unable to comprehend those unspoken gender expectations. If boys can wear them, I can too. I ignored her and it never came up again.

Later in life (this is way past 13, but I think it's relevant), and this is where my asexual/aromantic orientation became visible to whoever cared to see, it was generally understood that the usual rules of love, sexuality and relationships didn't apply to me, so I was left alone in that regard. This was also true for my family, who, aside from occasional "you'll eventually find someone" comments from my grandmother (which were about as relevant to me as my teacher's opinions about my pants), never cared who I dated or not. It basically went "Well, you're not interested in boys, we wouldn't be surprised if you brought a girl home instead." "Nope, not interested in girls either." "Okay. You're not the type to interact much with people anyway."

My parents were also very open about sex, answered my questions (I was always curious about everything), and didn't care who I would end up having sex with as long as I was responsible about contraception and made sure I wasn't pressured into it. Oh, and their general "if something bad happens, we'd rather you tell us so we can work things out together" mentality.

So, with that "We really, honestly don't care what you do with whom as long as it's ok for you", shouldn't I be everything but asexual?

[SkyWorld]

From what I have learned in AP psychology (of the previous year) is that most no longer do with the nature vs. nurture subject, but nature and nurture, which makes great sense. There are some things that are more reliant on nature than nurture and vice versa. They play in together as a variable for the whole and are equally important in its own ways.

As for how I grew up and my family views about the general subject of sex... we don't really bring that up. And if we do, it's not like I'm paying attention, quite honestly. I always zone out in those conversations because it never interests me and it only makes me feel ill, so I'd rather think about something else.

[Frigid Pink]

I disagree and think that everything is always some combination of both nature and nurture. Also, this was addressed in a recent scholarly article about "asexuality." With that said, I don't feel like describing a general overview of my childhood because that's quite a broad thing to cover, can't cover it with a short response, I don't feel like typing that much right now, and the origins of sexual orientation don't really matter all that much, anyway (except for academic purposes and curiosity's sake).

[Sally]

I disagree. What about the people who grew up in a very homophobic environment but were homosexual/anything-but-heterosexual themselves?

Yes. And just about everyone who is homosexual and over the age of 20 DID grow up in a very homophobic environment, and some tried very hard to turn themselves "straight". And yet, they're still homosexual...

[The Great WTF]

Add another to the disagree pile. I have a rather unfortunate cousin who we knew was gay from the time he could talk. His parents were extremely religious and he grew up hearing gay people being insulted and slandered on a regular basis. He came out to me when we were in middle school, but when we were three or four he was already telling me he wanted to marry a boy. One of my nieces, too, knew she was pansexual from almost infancy.

As for my childhood, it was full of adults and not many people my own age. I don't think anything caused me to be asexual, I just was. When my peers at five and six were getting crushes on other kids, I was daydreaming about making friends with dragons and reading books full of words most kids my age couldn't even pronounce. My parents were loving, affectionate, and a little unconventional. They divorced when I was seven, but it was amicable and they remained good friends for the rest of my dad's life. They had a giant middle finger attitude about gender roles and spent most of their time encouraging me to pursue whatever struck my fancy, mostly dinosaurs and Lego fortresses guarded by Power Rangers and pokemon.

My dad was very open about sex, happy to answer questions and give information to all who wanted it and thankfully he was extremely knowledgable. My mother is asexual like me and tended to answer every sex related question by blushing and telling me to ask my dad. It used to frustrate the hell out of me, but I understand now that she's sex repulsed and was raised much more conservatively than my dad was. I've got 12 older siblings and 2 adopted ones who were raised almost identical to how I was and they all ended up some variety of sexual.

[Sally]

My family background was highly conventional -- nothing unusual whatsoever. Everyone was cordial and/or loving to each other, my mother was sexual, my father was sexual, my sister was sexual, my aunts were sexual, everyone had children and loved them, nobody physically abused or assaulted anyone else, and yet I was asexual from the get-go.

For the OP: generally when we disagree with someone, we don't read a book just to make sure we still disagree (or to check to see if we should agree). Your post posits something that is both opinion-based and experience-based, not academic-based. If we disagree with you, we're doing so from our lives, not out of mere whim.

[SpiffyParadox]

My response is a tad long so I put them in Spoilers to lighten the post size.

The first is about my view on nature/nurture along with a background of my home life.

The second is more specific; about my upbringing concerning how sex/masturbation was treated/viewed in my family.

I believe both nature and nurture contribute to what we become as a person, where particular factors rely more on one than the other. Not just from our families but with whom we associate with (friends, classmates, neighbors, etc.). However, this is coming from an asexual who comes from a rather sexual family (let's say i became aware of what a 'booty call' was quite early in life). I do acknowledge and accept that some display certain behavior from an early age in regards to their sexual orientation. In fact, i'm happy for those who knew, pretty much off bat, what their sexual orientation would be. I suppose for some individuals, nature is automatically stronger than nurture (if that makes sense).
So, what happened to me not following in their footsteps, so to speak? Maybe I'm one of the individuals who knew from an early age of what their sexual orientation would be, so, maybe, I possessed a stronger nature, thus subconsciously resisting nurture from 'molding' me. Sounds just plain strange, I know, but, that is the best way I can explain. I was quite stubborn growing up and never listened to the whole 'one day you'll find someone' and 'it's just a phase' and their variants. Though, i'm uncertain if my stubbornness contributed to my asexuality.

As for my upbringing, well... it's difficult for me to remember isolated instances. My memory is atrocious but i'll try. It's long so bare with me. And this is the first time I openly shared my upbringing (besides with very close friends).

I grew up in a rather dysfunction family. My parents were both into drugs during their younger years but seemed to have kicked their habits (except for marijuana) when it came time to raise me and my older sister (my other two siblings were already grown up). My sister and I are Irish twins--born 9 months apart--so we were very close, both in a positive and negative way. My mom kicked out my dad when she found out he was cheating on her (they were never married). From that moment, I think that's when anger became more prevalent in our household. My mom was already an angry person (flipping her shit about almost anything) whereas I was very emotional (crying and/or getting mad about the slightest mean thing and/or inconvenience; don't worry, i'm pretty chill now lol). We eventually moved to another town to start life anew.

I was an active kid growing up. I played with the neighborhood kids (until we moved to said location where there were no children other than me, my sister, and a neighbor down the road who had 2 kids; we didn't stay friends). I remember playing with dolls like Barbie (only to steal their clothes to give to another doll of mine--an angel kitty doll--and feeding the Barbie doll to the dog). I grew up watching Animal Planet, Cartoon Network, and Nickelodeon. Mom didn't care what my sister and I watched as long as there weren't sex scenes. So, hello violence! I absolutely loved the Jurassic Park and Godzilla movies growing up so I played with dinosaur toys (making the dinosaurs eat my plastic army men lmao). Early on, it was quite evident I was a tomboy, too. I hated girly stuff and despised wearing dresses when I used to go to private school (a Baptist church private school paid by my grandparents). I still dislike girly things.

I was bullied throughout my entire time in school. Nothing physical though. It was more emotional and mental-based bullying. Which took it's toll on my, since I was an emotional mess to begin with. Miraculously, I never got into a fight. Nor did I ever get a referral or any type of disciplinary action. I was a good student with good grades who had trouble socializing and dealing with bullies. I DID go to a school counselor briefly (and I was actually responding well to it) until my mom caught wind and flipped her shit, cursing out the school, and making damn sure I never went to see him again (it worked so well that the counselor pretended to not know who I was when I tried to talk to him again...). It all changed when I was a junior in high school; made amazing friends and by the time senior year rolled around, I was rather happy with myself; still had social anxiety but it wasn't as bad as it used to be.

Now, with the background stuff out of the way, here's the main point: My family is a very straight-forward and vulgar bunch. Mom always answered my sister's questions about sex, again, in a straight-forward and sometimes vulgar way. She also joked about sexual stuff, even at an age that was inappropriate for my sister and I. Masturbation never came up in our conversations but it was often joked about too. The only time I asked about anything remotely related to sex was when I asked my eldest sister what it felt like to be horny, then, realizing I never experienced that feeling--and still haven't--that's when I started to suspect something was different about me.

My older sister somehow found out about asexuality and claimed that I had to be asexual. I did my own research and discovered that she was right. Of course, after accepting that, my sister blabbed to my mom with out my consent. She was not happy, to put it politely. My siblings didn't care either way. My friends were overall positive and supportive. I didn't officially come out as asexual until I was 17 or 18 (my senior year of high school). And I only did so with in my friend group. They were the only ones who truely knew. My other classmates automatically assumed I was a lesbian (because I hung out with 'the gays' and because I never dated a guy and rejected those who asked me out; both guys and girls; obviously they didn't know I rejected girls too so whatever...)

I'm the only asexual in my family. Everyone else is heterosexual except my older sister, who is pansexual. I never experienced sexual arousel. I'm sex-repulsed. I don't care if anyone else is partaking in it, I prefer not to hear/read about it. I've never been sexually abused. I never dated and don't wish to pursue a relationship anytime soon. I'm still a virgin and I never done anything remotely sexual in nature. All the ones who expressed some sort of romantic/sexual interest in me, and asked me out, I declined (as politely as a could; yet some were more persistent than others; but, they eventually gave up in the end). Although it appeared many people were obsessed with dating and sex, I was off doing my own thing, like drawing, reading, writing, and playing video games.

Your question: What do you think caused you to become asexual?

My answer: Not a damn thing. It appears i've always had been since I was little.

I hope this was informative. I'm sure I forgot some details but, meh. I tried.

[Frigid Pink]

Your question: What do you think caused you to become asexual?

My answer: Not a damn thing. It appears i've always had been since I was little.

My answer: It doesn't matter. I am how I am now (sexual orientation and otherwise) regardless of how I came to be.

[Sally]

I do believe that the environment has power to change how you deal with your sexuality but not the power to change it.

Well said.

[Sally]

When my daughter was diagnosed as autistic, we were told that it was the parents' fault. Actually, we were told it was the mother's fault. That was pretty much what doctors felt they had to say, because brain science was pretty much non-existent then, and doctors aren't good at saying "We don't know." As research techniques advanced, those "blame" claims weren't made anymore, and we now know that there are a number of genes involved. (Not that anyone has apologized to the parents.)

There's very little (if any) knowledge about the causes of orientations at this point. I don't see any point in trying to claim to oneself or anyone else what the possible causes of asexuality are. If you talk yourself into a certain belief, you'll probably have to revise your thinking 5-10 years from now, and giving up one's beliefs is not a comfortable thing; I'm kind of enjoying the thought of how those doctors felt when they found out what autism wasn't. Hopefully, if they had any sense, they were embarassed.

Don't believe anyone who isn't a longtime researcher who tries to tell you why you are asexual. In fact, don't believe researchers, because they don't know yet. Just be who you are

[Peachyy]

Holy mother of Zeus, I wrote a novel.

My mother was a "make love, not war" type. She gave herself the title of the "flower child" out of her sisters. She introduced me to "Mr. Darcy Takes a Wife" (basically, there's lots of sex, it's a fanfic) when I was 13 because I had read Pride and Prejudice by then and watched the BBC mini . Rather than have me watch violence on film, she cared for romantic or (tasteful, and not too mature) sexual plots because she thought that there was something wrong with thinking killing someone was better for a child than for them to see two people love each other. She didn't allow me to watch R-rated movies with heavy sex, but the conversation normally came down to "either or" and she wanted to make a point that there was something a-moral to thinking sex was wrong for children to know about, but shoot-them-up movies weren't. Note: she gets uncomfortable if we watch a movie with "explicit" sex if I'm in the room, and she's been known to turn off the movie. When I was 11, she gave me a picture book called "It's perfectly Normal" and even though I had already been through the sex-ed at school, she wanted to make sure I understood everything; I tried to turn off my lights and go to bed but she turned them back on and made us read it together. it was one of the lesser appreciated moments of my life. BTW: this book that comes after it was apparently banned, and this one was highly controversial??? Like, wow, mom.

My father and I have always had a tendency to both watch the same television shows, and they always seem to have lots of sex/nudity? He started watching Sons of Anarchy a few years before I did (because it had violence, Mom didn't want me to). So we would sit down and watch these shows and he never really seemed to care about a pair of tits on the screen or two people having at it, or whatever else. He's less preachy than my mother, but he and her share a similar "way". Unlike my mother, my father never told me that I couldn't watch something (and that may have been because my mother beat him to it) but I always got the idea that he wanted my sister and I to be okay with things like nudity or even violence. Like he thought we should just be "chill" about it and just deal with stuff even if we didn't particularly like it, or not make a "scene" about something and bother other people.

Both my parents are agnostic, and my mother has called herself an Atheist a few times They were raised catholic. They didn't talk about religion to us unless we asked, which, never. It was a lot like how sex was. We never asked, but if we would have, they would have talked to us about it. My mother and I have lots of conversations about religion and all I had to ever do was give a topic---off it went. The last few times I took a drive with my mom i remember the conversations being about sex and sexually transmitted infections. That's always fun, but nothing appeared to be out of topic. But that being said, I've never been particularly open to either of my parents about any of my struggles/problems. I don't like to gush, and I don't like anyone knowing intimate details about me. I never enjoyed being around them if they kissed or hugged ( anyone, really) but I don't resent them for showing affection towards each other. You know the movie "Mean Girls", Amy Poehler's character as Regina's mom? My parents are this character. "If you're going to drink, I'd rather you do it in the house".

I played lots of sports when I was young, including Basketball/Baseball/Tennis/Soccer/Volleyball/horse back riding. I took piano lessons, and excelled in art. My favorite movies were the Jurassic Park series, and I would enjoy killing my Polly-Pockets with the Dinosaur action figures I had. I've always liked rock music, even if my taste was more pop-rock when i was younger, I still always listened to it. I used to be obsessed with Green Day and Good Charlotte. My mom didn't want me to listen to one of Good Charlotte's songs because it talked about "crack" and I didn't know what it was. This all is around grade 2-5. In grade 2 I randomly "developed" trichotillomania and have been dealing with it ever since, but I still don't know what triggered it (you may wonder what causes you to do the things you do, but even after writing this summary on my parents & my childhood, i still can't figure it out). I had a lot of friends in elementary school and did talent shows. I was very outgoing and liked to play wall-ball with a group of male friends (before they were taught not to play with girls because we were love interests). I sincerely enjoyed 2nd grade. I remembered calling this girl named Gloria a "bitch" in front of my teacher.

In 6th grade my mother told me that I needed to wear more conservative shirts because I had little boobs at 13 and she went along with everyone else in thinking it would grab the attention of male students and teachers (uh, yuck). We also found out that I had a hypothyroidism, so i had to start taking medication. I was bullied lot and from making the transfer between year 5 (elementary school) to the middle school, I lost almost all of my friends. Year 7 was hell, and year 8 I stopped caring. High school years 1-2 were hell and I don't really want to talk about them. Year 3 of high school I earned my credits at a community college. Gradation year, I took one class at the high school and felt considerably better about myself by then.

I began questioning my romantic orientation (I didn't call it "romantic orientation") when I was in 8th grade. All the years before I was focused more on the romantic-plots of other people in real life or in stories (like Pride and Prejudice). When my parents began asking me about boys, i realized that there really weren't any. There also weren't any girls. I remember being slightly infatuated with a boy in 6th grade, but it was so long ago that I honestly don't remember how I really felt about him. Years 1-2 in high school, I wanted to start dating but I didn't want to start dating. Those years were a really bad fog because I somewhat worsened in my depressive personality (which was just real depression) and I stopped noticing anyone or anything. But while away at the college, i spent more time researching these new terms and concluded that I was aromantic. Same year I found "asexual" to mirror me very well. Probably what really set me off to it was that I became "interested" in a teacher who taught a writing class and I first mistook my feelings for him to be romantic/sexual (because that's what you feel for teachers, if there was anything I learned from peers and stories), but I realized that it wasn't at all like that. And then I realized that the way I felt about him, was almost like I had felt about all the other "crushes" I had in my previous years, right down to the pin. Because I felt so strongly about him and I had to wonder, "but.. I don't want to kiss him, or have sex, or hold hands, or marry him, or go on dates, or love him, or, or...." I just wanted to be his friend ! As it turned out.

That sums it up.

Do you know why I'm asexual/aro?

Btw my parents never caught me masturbating so that takes a whole "Johnathan, that's the devil's temptation!" narrative out (my name isn't Johnathan but if I was male and the universe put me in a religious household, my name would have been that). My parents would have never acted that way. My father probably would have told me to be more private or just walk away "jesus christ, lock your door" and my mother would have told me "honey, it's perfectly natural" and then flip to the page in the picture book that talked about it---seriously, this is the sex-ed book a liberal gives to their kid and it was brilliant. I actually learned a lot from it and grew a special hatred for the school system.

Long story short: pinch the tip of the condom and never open the packet with your teeth, also, don't touch me or try and take me out on a date.

[Guest]

I was raised very normally. Was very aware of sexuality from a young age though as my grandma works in the medical industry (sort of, its just easier to say that lol) and had heaps of books on anatomy and how the body works and things. I was also very aware of my body and masturbated from quite young. My family isn't religious. Never sexually abused as a kid or anything. Realized I was different from other people sexually when I started having sex at 18ish and never enjoyed it, always found it boring and couldn't wait for it to be over. Learned about asexuality when I was about 24-25 and knew that's the answer I had always been looking for, the missing piece to my sexuality.. I'm asexual!

My brothers and sisters have regular sexual relationships, enjoy and desire sex etc, I'm the only ace (other than my 15 year old brother as he doesn't identify as anything yet, still too young - some develop awareness of their sexuality younger than others though of course)

So yeah. The way I was raised has absolutely nothing to do with my asexuality lol.

[Alexander88]

Interesting topic and interesting posts. Can't spot any reoccurring themes, to be honest. Maybe some people should limit the information to what they deem necessary in relation to their sexuality, although it makes for an interesting read. ;)

I grew up relatively privileged if you ask my family.

My mother had me when she was 19, so she hadn't lived her life yet. She spent my childhood partying and traveling with and without me, and I visited my dad every other weekend, but he was somewhat violent and had no people or communication skills whatsoever. I think she reason why I'm much more interested in intimacy and finding a real connection with somebody rather than having a superficial sexual relationship is because I never experienced that as a child.

[Frigid Pink]

Your question: What do you think caused you to become asexual?

My answer: Not a damn thing. It appears i've always had been since I was little.

My answer: It doesn't matter. I am how I am now (sexual orientation and otherwise) regardless of how I came to be.

Yeah, I'm trying to take that view. It's not easy for me just to essentially say "it is what it is"... I'm a natural (over?)analyser. But although sometimes analysis is useful, other times it really isn't all that much. Things are as they are... knowing the "why" doesn't necessarily help you deal with them. Much to my personal dismay, haha. I've psychoanalysed my entire childhood and family members and I'm actually pretty damn good at it. Still haven't cured my own mental illnesses, though.

Yeah, I've found it's only helpful to maybe understand how the past may contribute when there are problems and issues that we want to work through or change, such as low self esteem or a tendency towards anxiety. However, we have to accept ourselves and whatever issues we have and recognize that we don't have to let the past define us (even if it shaped us) and that we can take some responsibility for the now and influence what happens now.

Interesting topic and interesting posts. Can't spot any reoccurring themes, to be honest. Maybe some people should limit the information to what they deem necessary in relation to their sexuality, although it makes for an interesting read. ;)

... except everything in our lives affects us (all of our collective experiences are part of our "nurture"), therefore, anything we experience could be related to sexuality and have some influence on our sexual orientation.

[Guest]

I disagree and think that everything is always some combination of both nature and nurture. Also, this was addressed in a recent scholarly article about "asexuality." With that said, I don't feel like describing a general overview of my childhood because that's quite a broad thing to cover, can't cover it with a short response, I don't feel like typing that much right now, and the origins of sexual orientation don't really matter all that much, anyway (except for academic purposes and curiosity's sake).

I agree with 100% of this.^^^

I'm sexual and it's entirely possible my icky dad is why I'm gay, but I doubt it and in any case I really couldn't care less.

I was a highly introverted kid who disliked touch, even from her parents. My mom says she was glad to have my brother because he'd hug her. I only played with boys toys and I only wore boys clothes. As an adult I identify as cisgendered female.

[flesh-pocket]

i think ill add my story here, just because i think its a little different than a lot of people's here.

i was raised in a at least moderately religious family in that we went to church every week no questions asked. but other than that, my family was not very strict, and even though my mother is at least low-key homophobic and it did rub off on me when i was younger, it was not so ingrained that i couldnt shake it off in highschool with no negative repercussions from her or the rest of my family. i think all of us kids either shook it off or were never effected by it.

sex wasnt something we openly talked about but if i had a question it was always answered, and strangely enough i was really sexual as a child. i was the kind of toddler that grabbed boobs and a child that commented whenever any sort of media i saw, even child friendly stuff, had a naked boy. i started masturbating at age 4-5 and can remember having fantasies when i was 5-6. the only thing i was ever told about masturbation was "dont do it in public" (i didnt connect the action with the word until highshool) but i was never punished or made to feel ashamed about doing these things even though i was from a religious household.

i loved dresses and hated sports. i had many stuffed animals and played with bratz dolls, polly pockets, play mobile. my sisters and i made very elaborate kingdoms and families out of our various shared toys. i really liked dinosaurs and lemurs. i was far more outgoing as a child than i am today, but i think i was a bit shy then too. we didnt move around a lot. i never had a real crush growing up, in elementary school i thought they were a fun way to tease a boy. that was my main social role as a child, the annoying little sister to my older sister 2 years ahead of me. my "liking" of a boy was the same as how i would try to annoy her. when i was in middle school i liked the ~drama~ of having a crush but never felt any of the associated butterflies and lost interest without noticing, because id just pick a boy that was funny in class and never even want to be his friend particularly.

when i was older my libido picked up but i still had no feelings of actually wanting to involve another person and did not see what was so hard about abstinence. ive though vaguely to myself "i should date, isnt that what other people are doing?" but there was never anyone i wanted to go on a date with and that is where i am today.

i was never teased or pressured to do anything sexual or even romantic and on the very few times my mother tied to tease me about liking a random boy in highschool i got very angry that she would dare insinuate that i would ever care about any of that, especially with some rando because i didnt have many guy friends i hung out with and those were the only boys she was there to see me interact with one on one.

although i think i am more aromantic than i am asexual..... i find it very difficult to tell, but i very badly want to know where i fall in all this so i can stop thinking about it >.>;;

[Fjording]

I’m in the combination of nature and nurture camp. I can easily identify a number of patterns and occurences in my childhood that corresponds in nature with my orientation. However I don’t believe it’s that simple. Another person in my exact situation would not have turned out the same.

[Frigid Pink]

Hey everyone! I just came across a blog post that really adds to this (nature and nurture) discussion. Please check it out here and let me know your thoughts!

[DannyFenton123]

Huh, well if sexual orientation was formed at ten, that was the exact age my mother died. You could call that a prominent memory in my childhood rearing! :P

But I'm personally of the opinion that you are born with an orientation. I could be wrong!

[RK800]

I think it's a combination of nature and nurture, sometimes more nature and less nurture or vice versa due to a wide range of variables.

With that being said my 'childhood rearing' was a fair bit wobbly. Aside from numerous family issues which various relatives were involved in like cheating, lying, attempted murder, stealing, abuse, mental illness, drug abuse, you get the idea, I'm not sure my family would have been considered any odder than most. My childhood from birth to age 3-ish was pretty good then some of that stuff occurred and it went downhill until finally stabilizing within the past three or so years. With that being said my Mom and Grandma basically raised me from age 6 on up and they've done a pretty darn good job.

As far as my personality as a kid goes I was very quiet, calm and observant. I didn't involve myself with other kids too much I just preferred to watch and see how everything played out. I was very much a 'tomboy' (oh the irony), I wasn't fond of dresses or frilly things and had strange reactions to every 'girly' toy that I came across. I will say I became less trusting and more stand-offish after my family took a bad turn but I'm still relatively kind.

And all this could have a lot or absolutely nothing to do with my orientation.

Impossible to know for sure.

[ajanderson78]

I think for the vast majority of people their sexual orientation is nature and the others are "confused" by nurture.

There are multiple things in my childhood which would cause a nurture person to say those events "caused" my asexuality. BUT I know of only 1, possibly 2 other people who grew up in the same strict religious environment and are probabbly asexual. I know of several of my school/church peers who are homosexual and the numbers come out to around the same as the national averages.

I also have Asperger's and there are a higher percentage of asexuals in that community than in the general population.