Open Relationship?

[Bobbilybubblestwentytwenty]

Hello!

I'm new to the forum and have actually been passed the website by my partner who has been looking into the possibility that I may be ASexual.

Me and my partner (both male) have been together for close to 6 years. As I've seen from others on here our sex life started well, and was in my opinion 'Healthy,' but over the years has become less often to the point now where we have simply stopped all forms of sexual relations.

As can be expected I was (and still am) very concerned that this lack of wanting sexual contact with my partner means that perhaps I am falling out of love with him, however this website has given me a sense of reassurance. If nothing else knowing that I am not alone is a great comfort. For me the most concerning part is the feeling I have when I can see the moment heading towards sexual contact, a huge feeling of dread just comes over me - Something which I did / do feel is just not normal.

Anyway, over the last 2 years where our sex life has near enough stopped we have had many conversations about how we can move forward. We are very open with our communication which helps, however the main point we continually come back to, and more so now (2 years on) is that my partner still wants sex, and what are we going to do.

I had a heterosexual relationship in my teens and have always been of the traditional mindset that sex is for relationships, and that it forms part of love. My partner is on the opposite opinion, and always has been, that sex is just an act and can be separated from love.

Me simply not wanting sex, and my partner very much wanting sex, has led us to move closer to the decision of 'Opening' the relationship, and me allowing him to have sex with other people. We have 'fooled around' with other guys in the past together, but I've always drawn the line at sex. I'm unsure if this is because I know that I can't give it to him, so don't want others to out perform me, or maybe it relates back to the above. In conversations my point has always been "If you have sex with someone else what is the difference between being just friends who care a lot about each other to being in a loving relationship" I have trouble with this.......

I do believe that we are heading in this direction and it wont be long before I "allow" him to have sex with someone else (most likely to be someone we know opposed to a random) because I know that he want's it greatly. I guess I am partially getting my feelings down by writing this post, but of course also looking for other's experiences? I've read that some relationships just accept that there will be no sex, I know that in ours this wont work, and something needs to give. Currently it won't be me changing.

I know also I don't help myself as I'm not at all confident with my body and do very little to change it. I've recently been to the doctor for blood tests and testosterone is fine, and will be starting phycosexual counselling soon - Did anyone else find that this helped them?

So I guess the question is - Does an open relationship work for you and what advise would you give on making it work?

Thanks for your time reading this, as I said just writing it down helps alot!

Chris

[Arte]

It all depends on if you think you'll be jealous and if you think he'll be loyal. A lot of people can have open relationships and just have sex for sex and not get emotionally attached, but I'd also say that there's always a risk for emotional attachment no matter what the situation, especially if it feels like your relationship isn't going well or at least not as well as it has in the past. If he says he can have sex and not get emotionally attached and still love you and you wont get jealous then opening the relationship might be good for you two. When my partner is off having sex I just catch up on work, it's honestly really helpful for me, having alone time. But everyone's different. Just do what your intuition tells you is right.

[simplyalex]

Thanks for having the courage to tell your story to perfect strangers and ask them for advice, dear Chris.

That says a lot about you and the love you feel towards your partner.

Please, do not be so hard and let go of the fears you have.

Allow an open relationship, because it could make the bond between you and your partner even stronger.

He told you about the possibility of you being asexual, right?. That means he loves you a lot.

I repeat: have no more fears and allow an open relationship with other people.

Save your existing relationship, my friend.

[Frigid Pink]

I don't think it's a wise decision to be involved in an "open" or "poly" relationship if it's not something someone is truly comfortable with or really wants. Otherwise, I think it's okay and can work. I wish you the best as you decide what to do!

[allrightalready]

i would not do an open relationship but i do very much favor poly relationships. i would not like being with someone who went out and had sex with random people but if i know the people being involved then i am fine with it (i have done this before even though most of my relationships have been monogamous)

[The Great WTF]

My partner and I are both of the "sex is separate from love" school of thought. Sex is a way for him to show his love and he's hard-wired to want it with the people that he loves, but it's also something that purely pleasurable and can have nothing to do with love to him. He prefers sex with me because he loves me and it's more enjoyable that way, but he doesn't need to have sex with me to satisfy his libido. Him being free to have sex with other people takes a huge burden off of me, because I just don't care about sex. I don't need to remember that he needs it as much and don't have the expectation of providing it lingering over me.

Beyond that, I just don't do monogamy. I'm not actively looking for anyone else, neither is he, but I'm not comfortable with being in a relationship where I'm expected to be someone's one and only and I've had one too many bad experiences with jealous partners having a problem with my male friends and my adopted brother, so open relationships are easy for me. I like to see him enjoying himself with other people and staying out with someone else all night means I get a little time to myself to recharge and do the things he doesn't necessarily like to do, like watch Independence Day for the ten billionth time with my brother or cover my bed in books and notes for my research papers so I don't have to keep in confined to my desk and my laptop.

The best advice I can give you is not to expect to be his one and only. No one can satisfy every one of their partner's needs. My pet's got the reading comprehension of a child, so I can't talk books with him like I'd like to (though, recently he's discovered the wonder of audiobooks and has been devouring them at an insane pace), and I have major dysgraphia, which means I can't play Halo or Destiny online with him like he'd like to, I just get killed over and over again. We treat sex the same way, something that we just can't share very well, but that doesn't mean he can't share it with someone else. It doesn't mean he loves me any less, just that it's something that he can share with other people.

And, of course, communication. Lots and lots of communication. Be honest about how you feel every step of the way and let him be honest, too, but make sure you separate your feelings from concrete problems. Not to say that feelings aren't important, but there's a difference between "I'm scared you'll lose interest in me" and "You are losing interest in me" that a lot of people miss and it makes things messy. And, of course, if you decide you can't do an open relationship, tell him so and talk about other things you can try. Talk about things that ARE exclusive to the two of you, the important things you share, because it makes letting go of things like sex that we're trained to perceive as more important easier. In the case of my relationship, my partner and I still have our nerdy passions and I love to teach him, which sounds weird but I'm a useless fountain of stupid trivia and history knowledge and for some reason he loves all the stupid shit I teach him about things like the history of the word hysteria and random bits of knowledge about Japanese culture that leads to some of the strange tropes we see in anime, so it works.

[Bobbilybubblestwentytwenty]

Thank you to each and everyone one of you for spending the time to read my post and reply. Your thoughts are really very much appreciated :-)

[KaijuPanda]

I'm in a very similar situation, and we have taken the first steps into open/poly. I've been with my partner for 7 years, and while he'd sorta kinda brought up the idea of non-monogamy before (after some drinks, lol), it scared the bejeezus out of me. But after coming out as asexual, I realized that my fear was because I felt him having sex with others would be a direct result of my "failure" to satisfy him sexually. But suddenly I realized that it's not because i'm a failure, it's because we're simply mis-matched in one department, and any resolution should be fair to both of us. So I actually brought up the idea of non-monogamy more recently, and we did quite a bit of research, reading, and soul searching. He was pretty into the idea right away, haha. But I realized that I actually liked the idea of being able to have other romantic, intimate relationships aside from what I share with him. And I think he's definitely wired for non-monogamy. Anyhow, not a lot has happened so far, but he's gone on several dates and had sex with a couple other people. He's not that interested in random sex, he'd like a "friends with benefits" situation at least. What we've both learned from our reading is that polyamory, as opposed to just opening the relationship to sex with other people, appeals to us more.

Anyhow, everyone will experience things differently, but after the first date and the first time he had sex with someone else (both evenings were pretty upsetting for me before, during, and after), I realized "hey, I think this is actually fine." I certainly have moments of fear or jealousy or concern about him falling in love with someone else. But so much of my fear is based on monogamy "conditioning", which is interesting to dig into.

I would highly recommend both of you reading the book "More Than Two". It's focused on polyamory, but also touches on related arrangements. It's a really great book, I've actually learned a lot about relationships in general (especially communication, conflict, dealing with your own shit, etc) that is useful to ANY relationship. And as for the poly aspect, I didn't expect to find the idea so appealing. I was really just looking for tools to deal with jealousy and things like that. But now I think it's a really good option for a lot of asexual people, especially asexual romantic people. It's clearly not easy, however, and takes a lot of internal work and communication. Another book is "Opening Up". It's a little older, but it spends more time on things like open relationships, FWB, swinging, etc. And do an internet search for "asexual poly" - there are some great blog articles out there from ace and aro/ace people doing poly. I've found some info on poly websites, but also a lot of people misunderstanding and invalidating asexuality, so it's not all useful.

So my advice is to take it slow, and do lots of research. Read other experiences, ask yourself questions, and talk through everything you can think of with your partner. Even if it's just him who will have the additional relationships, this is something both of you need to work on together. I think done right, it can strengthen a relationship. But if there's a lot of hand waving and fear about talking it through, it could breed resentment.

Good luck!

[aceghost]

I'm going to come at this from a slightly more pessimistic side, since you asked for other aces' experiences. I don't intend for it to colour your decision at all, but simply to provide a data point.

You both need to recognize that this is an extremely serious, can't-ever-take-it-back decision both of you are making for the future of your relationship. And no matter how many books/articles/forums you read, no matter how many people in poly relationships you talk to, neither of you really has any idea how this is all going to go until it goes.

You will want to spend some time at the beginning establishing boundaries of what you both are comfortable with. Make these very explicit, so there are no misunderstandings that could lead to hurt feelings. Personally, I would lean towards at least starting with more restrictive boundaries; you can always negotiate later to open them up more as the situation changes and you both get some experience under your belts with polyamory (whereas, placing new boundaries where there formerly were none feels restrictive/controlling/reactionary).

Your partner—especially if sex has been lacking for a long time (years in your case)—is going to have a lot of pent-up demand. And when those needs finally get met, there's going to be an extremely powerful chemical/biological reaction. This new person is going to be able to meet fundamental needs for him that you simply aren't able to. Chances are, this new person has had more relationships than you and is really *good* at it, too. This might feel threatening to you. If so, make sure your partner knows it's part of their "job" in a polyamorous relationship to reassure you (and not like a "sigh, we already talked about this" reassurance, but repeated positive reinforcement) that you guys are still ok.

Regardless of this reassurance, while he's out with someone else you are probably going to experience some bad feelings: fear, anxiety, loneliness, etc. The books will call this "jealousy" and maybe it will be for you (it wasn't for me, but I mistakenly chalked it up to that for way too long). To offset that, try really hard to plan some quality "you" time on date nights. And talk a lot about how you both are feeling. Don't shove your feelings down to make them happy. But *do* try and "tidy up" your feelings a bit to make them less "raw", e.g. "When you do ___, I feel ____, so can you ___ so that we can ____."

Also, that other person is an actual person, with real feelings/emotions/wishes/desires. Make sure to remember that.

The last thing you really, really need to know about this is that your partner, despite all his best intentions at the outset to keep that relationship limited to sex and keep you as his "primary," as a result of finally getting these needs met on a mutual level, might accidentally (and shockingly *quickly*) find his feelings growing far beyond cute little "New Relationship Energy" (NRE) and into a full-fledged, serious emotional/romantic attachment with that other person. To the point that *they* become the new "primary." So you need to do some soul-searching first, and see if you'd be ok with that outcome.

Finally, it's playing with spider-covered dynamite to embark on an open relationship when your own relationship isn't rock-solid first. I worry a bit that you're mulling over taking this step because you are feeling pressure to do so, not because you have "enthusiastic consent" for the idea. If so, that doesn't feel like a good starting point... Maybe get a couples counsellor lined up first?

[Tarfeather]

Finally, it's playing with spider-covered dynamite to embark on an open relationship when your own relationship isn't rock-solid first.

To be honest, I did have the impression that the OP's relationship is pretty solid, at least they seem to care about each other a lot and discuss openly.