What is it like to not be asexual?

[PlasticNebula]

I'm sorry if this is the wrong place to ask - I have just always wondered this, and it's only recently that I've actually started to identify as asexual.

What is it like not being asexual - from what you understand from people you know, what is normal for allosexual people - do they look at people who they may not know and want to have sex with them? What does it mean when people think that other people are hot?

[ClayDaDalek]

I'm also very curious, tbh. Being asexual AND aromantic, I don't understand it when people want to be "more than friends" like, what.. best friends? MEGA best friends?! Or the difference between Cute and Hot. Like.. wha?

[Star Bit]

Yes, some sexual people look at others and immediately desire sex with them, others it takes a bit of time (but not an extended amount of time; like a month at most and a week at least). Others just desire sex on its own and not due to an individual triggering the desire. When most people; the allosexual majority, say someone is hot they mean sexually attractive or an optimal target to vent their sexual desire. They may or may not also have aesthetic attraction with it; the pull to look at someone because of their looks and or mannerisms, which is different from aesthetically pleasing which has no such fixation but is simple recognition.

[Frigid Pink]

Being asexual AND aromantic, I don't understand it when people want to be "more than friends" like, what.. best friends? MEGA best friends?! Or the difference between Cute and Hot. Like.. wha?

It's how I want to express my feelings for someone that makes the difference for me. If I desire to express my feelings with a cuddle or a kiss on the lips, then that signifies to me that I have romantic feelings for that person. Also, I desire to be in a committed monogamous relationship with someone when I have romantic feelings for them and haven't discovered any incompatibilies.

[Pikachu27]

I'm also very curious, tbh. Being asexual AND aromantic, I don't understand it when people want to be "more than friends" like, what.. best friends? MEGA best friends?! Or the difference between Cute and Hot. Like.. wha?

I wish I had a good answer for the question about romantic attraction, or as you put it, wanting to be more than friends. But as excellent of a question as it may be, I don't have an excellent answer. I think it varies from person to person, but when it's happening for me, it's wanting to be around them all the time. It's seeing their name written somewhere, and getting totally sidetracked because suddenly you're thinking about them and grinning and getting lose in thoughts pertaining to them. It's the urge to know them: what they enjoy doing, what are their passions, who are their inspirations, their quirks. It's being around them and suddenly it feels like all your internal organs are turning to mush, in a good way. It's feeling like your heart is melting when you see them smile and laugh, and wanting to be happy with them, but hurting with them when they're hurt, too. It's wanting to help them in any way possible, just because you want to make things better fro them. It's loving all their little idiosyncrasies, finding their flaws endearing. It's smiling like an idiot at random times just because you thought of them. It's having a crappy day instantly remedied because of just one exchange with them. It's this overwhelming feeling of wanting more. I don't really know how to explain the feeling of wanting more. I guess to me it's just this intense want for them to be special to them, above others in some way, and them to you. For me, romantic attraction is coupled with sensual attraction--getting the urge to hug them, kiss them, really just wanting to cuddle with them and fall asleep in their arms.

I'm not sure if this answered the question or not, but that's how it is for me.

As for the hot vs. cute, for me, I don't use hot, because it's pretty sexually charged, and I'm asexual. For me, 'cute' usually has a romantic connotation.

[My alias]

at this point in my life i consider myself normal or the term ya'll have coined is "allosexual"

-What is it like not being asexual

Its really not that different.

I have a SO we have a sex life which I enjoy, in which i spend 1-2 hours a week with them doing that. Which means the other 167 hours of my week i spend doing the same stuff you all do. its about 0.6% of my life. so we spend over 99% of our time doing the same things.

-do they look at people who they may not know and want to have sex with them? What does it mean when people think that other

If somebody is hot, then they are attractive. Pleasing to look at. It doesn't necessarily mean sexually attractive. I can easily see an attractive person and say they are hot and not feel any sort of desire towards them.

For example suits hella hot. Most guys in a suit are more attractive. ergo, "I like that guy's suit it makes him look hot" it rolls off the tongue much better than "that guy's suit makes him look visually pleasing"

[Frigid Pink]

As for the hot vs. cute, for me, I don't use hot, because it's pretty sexually charged, and I'm asexual. For me, 'cute' usually has a romantic connotation.

Yeah, same here. I don't use "hot" and "cute" can be applied to my romantic partner or, more often, my cat! :P

[aussiekirkland]

About the comments to do with cute vs hot this often stumps me being aro ace because calling someone cute feels too romantic for me whereas calling someone hot used to be fine until I noticed what other people meant when they referred to someone as hot (noticing that saying someone is hot is usually followed by a comment, whether serious or not, about sleeping with them).

I find it so awkward when someone asks me if I find someone hot because I don't find that many people aesthetically attractive to which I'd call them hot and even if they were good looking I'd still feel awkward about it. Lately I've been responding with ehh

[Lost247365]

Unless our sexuality changes....we will never really know. We are like a cave full of prisoners who have never seen the outside world, and can only make guesses based upon the shadows that cross the cave wall.

[Xavy]

Both of my brothers are married and have multiple extra martial affairs that have become known to their wives and has created a lot of problems in both marriages. Both marriages have children. This may be what my asexuality has spared me from. Maybe, sexual attraction is such a powerful force that it could make a person loose perspective if they are not careful.

[furor]

I've always wondered this too, it confuses me a lot being in a fandom where allosexual people will vocalise their sexual desires for their favourite member of a music group. I just sit there scanning through my twitter thinking 'do these people really get turned on just by looking at someone?' I doubt I'll ever understand it.

[Frigid Pink]

About the comments to do with cute vs hot this often stumps me being aro ace because calling someone cute feels too romantic for me whereas calling someone hot used to be fine until I noticed what other people meant when they referred to someone as hot (noticing that saying someone is hot is usually followed by a comment, whether serious or not, about sleeping with them).

I find it so awkward when someone asks me if I find someone hot because I don't find that many people aesthetically attractive to which I'd call them hot and even if they were good looking I'd still feel awkward about it. Lately I've been responding with ehh

Yeah, I feel like it's TMI for someone to tell me who they want to have sex with and would prefer they keep that information to themselves.

[Telecaster68]

You might find the 'questions for sexuals' thread in Musings and Rantings helpful.

It's this overwhelming feeling of wanting more.

This, for sexual attraction too. The more includes the intensity and urgency and closeness of sex. It's satisfied for a while by having sex, and orgasm, but getting there is pretty amazing too (or mostly is). And then a while later, you get to experience all that again.

[TotallyNotEmmaRose]

I've always found it to be a bit weird, to be honest. Like, when I found out about the "third date rule" I was horrified. And in movies I always get upset when good characters start kissing / having sex for no good reason. I'm not sure if I'm aro or what, but all of it doesn't seem to make much sense. Apparently people just know the right moment? Seems shifty...

[El-not-so-ace]

Actually, at least for many Christians I know, they don't follow the 1st date, 2nd and 3rd date rules. :P One of my allo friends did that once but otherwise took years for her first boyfriend and a couple months for a second one. So it's definitely not what applies to all allosexuals. When I stopped seeing them as hormone-bound people ready to jump in bad with any stranger, I saw how much we had in common afterall. :P

[Telecaster68]

The third date thing isn't a law of nature, it's just a convention in some parts of the US dating scene, no more than that.

Do a search, it was discussed a couple weeks ago.

[Pikachu27]

I've always found it to be a bit weird, to be honest. Like, when I found out about the "third date rule" I was horrified. And in movies I always get upset when good characters start kissing / having sex for no good reason. I'm not sure if I'm grey-aro or what, but all of it doesn't seem to make much sense. Apparently people just know the right moment? Seems shifty...

I know! There were various instances--in The 100, Grey's Anatomy, One Small Hitch--that two characters went straight from their first kiss to sex, and I was just like O.O Is that a normal physical escalation rate? And then there are people who have sex on the first date, and I can't wrap my head around that. I simply can not comprehend the idea of casual sex, of just seducing someone attractive at a bar, having sex, and never seeing them again. I can't imagine having sex with someone I didn't love. I don't see the point in that.

Once, I made a poll on another website about how often they'd have to have sex (once in a relationship) in order to be satisfied and content. I got on comment from a girl talking about how she dumped a guy because he only wanted to have sex one a week, and according to her, only old people have sex that little. She wanted it every day. And that just made me freak out. Is having sex every day a normal expectation? Because while I could handle having sex every once in a while (when I'm much older and in a committed relationship with someone I love and trust), I sure as hell am not doing it that often. I' not sure I'd even want one a week. And worse, I did another poll, and a lot of people expect oral as easily as they expect vaginal, and I don't want to do that, either.

I hate the idea of all these expectations I won't fulfill. The more I talk to people, the more unrealistic it seems for me to want a guy who would only have sex with someone he loved who also didn't need sex often or oral.

[Telecaster68]

All couples vary, across time as well as from couple to couple. But there are some broad brush averages that are pretty robust.

According to Kinsey, couples in their 20s, on average, do it two or three times a week, falling off to more like once or twice in their forties, and many couples have sex into their seventies. An asexuality activist quoted Bogaert (I think) on the BBC with overall averages of most couples doing it once a week (which kind of works with the Kinsey stats), and mixed couples doing it once a month. Less than ten times a year is clinically classed as a sexless marriage.

All average and broad brush, etc. but better than nothing.

A lot of sexuals would completely agree with you about casual sex. And like everything in drama, relationships are concertina'd in time and ramped up for effect. Even so, I'd guess most sexual relationships would probably move into the bedroom in a month or two at most, quite possibly less.

[Frigid Pink]

I've always found it to be a bit weird, to be honest. Like, when I found out about the "third date rule" I was horrified. And in movies I always get upset when good characters start kissing / having sex for no good reason. I'm not sure if I'm grey-aro or what, but all of it doesn't seem to make much sense. Apparently people just know the right moment? Seems shifty...

I know! There were various instances--in The 100, Grey's Anatomy, One Small Hitch--that two characters went straight from their first kiss to sex, and I was just like O.O Is that a normal physical escalation rate? And then there are people who have sex on the first date, and I can't wrap my head around that. I simply can not comprehend the idea of casual sex, of just seducing someone attractive at a bar, having sex, and never seeing them again. I can't imagine having sex with someone I didn't love. I don't see the point in that.

Once, I made a poll on another website about how often they'd have to have sex (once in a relationship) in order to be satisfied and content. I got on comment from a girl talking about how she dumped a guy because he only wanted to have sex one a week, and according to her, only old people have sex that little. She wanted it every day. And that just made me freak out. Is having sex every day a normal expectation? Because while I could handle having sex every once in a while (when I'm much older and in a committed relationship with someone I love and trust), I sure as hell am not doing it that often. I' not sure I'd even want one a week. And worse, I did another poll, and a lot of people expect oral as easily as they expect vaginal, and I don't want to do that, either.

I hate the idea of all these expectations I won't fulfill. The more I talk to people, the more unrealistic it seems for me to want a guy who would only have sex with someone he loved who also didn't need sex often or oral.

Everyone is different and, while there are some "sexual" people out there that would ideally like to have sex on a daily basis, there are some where that would be too frequent for them and prefer once a week and sometimes less. It really depends on the person. Same goes for the type of sexual activity, whether that be vaginal, oral, or anal, or even no intercourse. Some "sexual" people, including males, don't like oral sex and would prefer not to have it (receptive or not). Some "sexual" people don't really care what type of sexual activity it is, as long as they're able to connect sexually with someone. I don't think it's unrealistic to have the expectations you have, however, I think it's difficult to find someone that meets those expectations. However, I wouldn't let that hold me back, if a relationship with someone is something I'd really like to have. I wouldn't focus or depend on that potential relationship as the key to my happiness, however, I'd be patient and stay open to the idea, because those people are definitely out there and a connection with someone like that might happen one day. It's definitely not impossible.

[Telecaster68]

You're right, technically, but I suspect the 'some's are fairly small minorities, especially men who don't like receiving oral.

[Pikachu27]

I've always found it to be a bit weird, to be honest. Like, when I found out about the "third date rule" I was horrified. And in movies I always get upset when good characters start kissing / having sex for no good reason. I'm not sure if I'm grey-aro or what, but all of it doesn't seem to make much sense. Apparently people just know the right moment? Seems shifty...

I know! There were various instances--in The 100, Grey's Anatomy, One Small Hitch--that two characters went straight from their first kiss to sex, and I was just like O.O Is that a normal physical escalation rate? And then there are people who have sex on the first date, and I can't wrap my head around that. I simply can not comprehend the idea of casual sex, of just seducing someone attractive at a bar, having sex, and never seeing them again. I can't imagine having sex with someone I didn't love. I don't see the point in that.

Once, I made a poll on another website about how often they'd have to have sex (once in a relationship) in order to be satisfied and content. I got on comment from a girl talking about how she dumped a guy because he only wanted to have sex one a week, and according to her, only old people have sex that little. She wanted it every day. And that just made me freak out. Is having sex every day a normal expectation? Because while I could handle having sex every once in a while (when I'm much older and in a committed relationship with someone I love and trust), I sure as hell am not doing it that often. I' not sure I'd even want one a week. And worse, I did another poll, and a lot of people expect oral as easily as they expect vaginal, and I don't want to do that, either.

I hate the idea of all these expectations I won't fulfill. The more I talk to people, the more unrealistic it seems for me to want a guy who would only have sex with someone he loved who also didn't need sex often or oral.

Everyone is different and, while there are some "sexual" people out there that would ideally like to have sex on a daily basis, there are some where that would be too frequent for them and prefer once a week and sometimes less. It really depends on the person. Same goes for the type of sexual activity, whether that be vaginal, oral, or anal, or even no intercourse. Some "sexual" people, including males, don't like oral sex and would prefer not to have it (receptive or not). Some "sexual" people don't really care what type of sexual activity it is, as long as they're able to connect sexually with someone. I don't think it's unrealistic to have the expectations you have, however, I think it's difficult to find someone that meets those expectations. However, I wouldn't let that hold me back, if a relationship with someone is something I'd really like to have. I wouldn't focus or depend on that potential relationship as the key to my happiness, however, I'd be patient and stay open to the idea, because those people are definitely out there and a connection with someone like that might happen one day. It's definitely not impossible.

I definitely don't have all my future happiness riding on it. I want a writing career, and a home by a forest. I want to travel, and take a road trip around the US and Canada. I know what I want for my life, and although I want a romantic relationship to be part of it, I won't be miserable without one. Still, I'm hopeful for having one, although I really should work out some of my own personal issues before I get into one.

[Frigid Pink]

You're right, technically, but I suspect the 'some's are fairly small minorities, especially men who don't like receiving oral.

Yes, it's probably a minority, however, I know it's possible because my current romantic partner (a "sexual" person) is okay without oral intercourse and I previosuly knew a male (also a "sexual" person) who didn't like it (receptive).

[Telecaster68]

Yeah, fair enough. There's probably a lot of men who wouldn't make it a deal breaker, but wouldn't dream of turning it down if it was offered.

[Visenya]

I know! There were various instances--in The 100, Grey's Anatomy, One Small Hitch--that two characters went straight from their first kiss to sex, and I was just like O.O Is that a normal physical escalation rate? And then there are people who have sex on the first date, and I can't wrap my head around that. I simply can not comprehend the idea of casual sex, of just seducing someone attractive at a bar, having sex, and never seeing them again. I can't imagine having sex with someone I didn't love. I don't see the point in that.

Once, I made a poll on another website about how often they'd have to have sex (once in a relationship) in order to be satisfied and content. I got on comment from a girl talking about how she dumped a guy because he only wanted to have sex one a week, and according to her, only old people have sex that little. She wanted it every day. And that just made me freak out. Is having sex every day a normal expectation? Because while I could handle having sex every once in a while (when I'm much older and in a committed relationship with someone I love and trust), I sure as hell am not doing it that often. I' not sure I'd even want one a week. And worse, I did another poll, and a lot of people expect oral as easily as they expect vaginal, and I don't want to do that, either.

I hate the idea of all these expectations I won't fulfill. The more I talk to people, the more unrealistic it seems for me to want a guy who would only have sex with someone he loved who also didn't need sex often or oral.

I think I could have written this post myself.

As an introvert, I can't even imagine wanting to see your partner every day. I couldn't do it without feeling suffocated. And as an introverted asexual, I would rather be forever alone than be in a relationship that requires me to have sex every single day. Just the thought of it makes me cringe!

Regarding the casual sex thing, I don't get it either. My mind just goes "Error 404: not found", so I gave up trying to understand it. :P

In the last few months, I've been considering the possibility of being demisexual (or maybe just a sexual person with intimacy issues... who knows?). I guess my biggest problem is that I'm not comfortable getting physical with people I don't love/trust/have a deep emotional bond with. Since it takes me a long time to actually connect with someone and it doesn't happen often (in fact, almost never), the current dating scene sucks for me.

Besides, I don't think I could be in a relationship with a guy who's into casual sex (unless he's ok with a sexless relationship). Not because I think there's something dirty or wrong about him, but, since I'm not wired for casual... anything, sex wouldn't feel intimate to me and I wouldn't be able to get an emotional connection out of it.

[Member54880]

I know! There were various instances--in The 100, Grey's Anatomy, One Small Hitch--that two characters went straight from their first kiss to sex, and I was just like O.O Is that a normal physical escalation rate? And then there are people who have sex on the first date, and I can't wrap my head around that. I simply can not comprehend the idea of casual sex, of just seducing someone attractive at a bar, having sex, and never seeing them again. I can't imagine having sex with someone I didn't love. I don't see the point in that.

Once, I made a poll on another website about how often they'd have to have sex (once in a relationship) in order to be satisfied and content. I got on comment from a girl talking about how she dumped a guy because he only wanted to have sex one a week, and according to her, only old people have sex that little. She wanted it every day. And that just made me freak out. Is having sex every day a normal expectation? Because while I could handle having sex every once in a while (when I'm much older and in a committed relationship with someone I love and trust), I sure as hell am not doing it that often. I' not sure I'd even want one a week. And worse, I did another poll, and a lot of people expect oral as easily as they expect vaginal, and I don't want to do that, either.

I hate the idea of all these expectations I won't fulfill. The more I talk to people, the more unrealistic it seems for me to want a guy who would only have sex with someone he loved who also didn't need sex often or oral.

I think I could have written this post myself.

As an introvert, I can't even imagine wanting to see your partner every day. I couldn't do it without feeling suffocated. And as an introverted asexual, I would rather be forever alone than be in a relationship that requires me to have sex every single day. Just the thought of it makes me cringe!

That's how I feel too. I've been in a relationship with someone who wanted to be around me all the time while I often wanted to be alone, and what made them happy stressed me out and felt suffocating, while what I wanted didn't feel like a "real" relationship to them.

Regarding the casual sex thing, I don't get it either. My mind just goes "Error 404: not found", so I gave up trying to understand it. :P

I could understand one-night stands, because it's sex without any expectation of seeing the other person again, and I could also understand sex being something people did in marriage (usually due to believing it's a duty someone must do for their spouse; I don't agree with that belief, but it's still a pervasive one in society), but I couldn't comprehend the idea of having sex on the third date or earlier with someone to start a relationship with, nor that anyone would be happy to have a partner who wants it so soon!

[El-not-so-ace]

Yeah, fair enough. There's probably a lot of men who wouldn't make it a deal breaker, but wouldn't dream of turning it down if it was offered.

I used to assume that it was almost a requirement which used to make me depressed since this is one of few things that I really really would rather avoid. It's reassuring to hold on to the hope that it's on a case-by-case basis. :P

[Pikachu27]

I know! There were various instances--in The 100, Grey's Anatomy, One Small Hitch--that two characters went straight from their first kiss to sex, and I was just like O.O Is that a normal physical escalation rate? And then there are people who have sex on the first date, and I can't wrap my head around that. I simply can not comprehend the idea of casual sex, of just seducing someone attractive at a bar, having sex, and never seeing them again. I can't imagine having sex with someone I didn't love. I don't see the point in that.

Once, I made a poll on another website about how often they'd have to have sex (once in a relationship) in order to be satisfied and content. I got on comment from a girl talking about how she dumped a guy because he only wanted to have sex one a week, and according to her, only old people have sex that little. She wanted it every day. And that just made me freak out. Is having sex every day a normal expectation? Because while I could handle having sex every once in a while (when I'm much older and in a committed relationship with someone I love and trust), I sure as hell am not doing it that often. I' not sure I'd even want one a week. And worse, I did another poll, and a lot of people expect oral as easily as they expect vaginal, and I don't want to do that, either.

I hate the idea of all these expectations I won't fulfill. The more I talk to people, the more unrealistic it seems for me to want a guy who would only have sex with someone he loved who also didn't need sex often or oral.

I think I could have written this post myself.

As an introvert, I can't even imagine wanting to see your partner every day. I couldn't do it without feeling suffocated. And as an introverted asexual, I would rather be forever alone than be in a relationship that requires me to have sex every single day. Just the thought of it makes me cringe!

Regarding the casual sex thing, I don't get it either. My mind just goes "Error 404: not found", so I gave up trying to understand it. :P

In the last few months, I've been considering the possibility of being demisexual (or maybe just a sexual person with intimacy issues... who knows?). I guess my biggest problem is that I'm not comfortable getting physical with people I don't love/trust/have a deep emotional bond with. Since it takes me a long time to actually connect with someone and it doesn't happen often (in fact, almost never), the current dating scene sucks for me.

Besides, I don't think I could be in a relationship with a guy who's into casual sex (unless he's ok with a sexless relationship). Not because I think there's something dirty or wrong about him, but, since I'm not wired for casual... anything, sex wouldn't feel intimate to me and I wouldn't be able to get an emotional connection out of it.

Now I'm thinking you're sounding like me. Now if it was more common for guys to share the same mentality we do, that'd be great.

I wouldn't want sex with someone who was okay with casual sex because it would mean we don't regard it the same way, and I want someone who sees it as meaningful as an act as I do. I think it's pretty damn huge; I can barely imagine letting myself being be in that vulnerable of a position. The idea of doing that with someone I didn't love and didn't love me is incomprehensible to me. I wouldn't want to be with someone who didn't see sex as meaning much, who would give it away any chance they got as long as they found the person attractive.

I also would rather be alone than having sex every day, maybe even every week would be too much. Although being alone would be saddening for awhile, I would rather be (romantically) alone and accomplishing my other life goals than be in a relationship that I hated, because if I was being coerced into sex that much, I certainly wouldn't be happy.

I can't really say much on the current dating situation, being fifteen and all, but still, I think about it. I have this fear that once I get older, out of high school--or maybe even in high school--and I get into a relationship, sex will be this expectation sooner than I'm ready. I'm a take-it-slow type of person, maybe even ultra-slow. There's that stupid Third Date Rule, of having sex on the third date, but for me, that would probably be the first kiss. Maybe it's because I find both emotional and physical intimacy completely terrifying, but I would be the type waiting months for sex, at least. (It would be years if I started dating anytime soon. I'm not having sex while I'm still in high school.) I don't rush into things, especially not things like that. But I have the fear that the sex expectation will come long before I want it to. Of course I would rather be alone than be having sex when I'm not ready, but still. I wish I didn't have to worry about the speed at which sex first happens or the frequency at which it continues to happen will be a problem.

[Telecaster68]

"I wouldn't want sex with someone who was okay with casual sex because it would mean we don't regard it the same way"

People change. Typically casual sex is a phase, people work out it's not all that, they prefer a serious relationship, decide they've seen their wild oats and go for commitment.

"Third Date Rule"

Sigh. It really is stupid. And awful that it seems to go unquestioned in the US young dating scene.

Your strategy sounds very sensible to me. You're 15, taken it as slow as you like.

[vegetablematrix]

well I feel energetically drawn to someone. it's not really about their aesthetics, more like the whole energy enchilada. it's something I can feel even with my eyes closed. A glowing warmth. A magnetic polarity. It goes both ways. Just wanting to stand closer, feel their presence. hold hands or hug. Feeling their hands wanting to hold mine. the biggest part is feeling their desire equally reciprocated. Just wanting to feel as close as possible.

When I feel comfortable with that closeness, the environment, myself, there's some kind of arousal which basically I experience as a heightened awareness and sensitivity over many parts of my body- skin, fingertips, lips, accelerated heart rate, dilated pupils.

I have never had sex (though I'm an avid cuddler/ kisser) but I recognize this as the way I experience sexual arousal and desire. there's nothing explicitly saying "I wanna put my genitals with their genitals!" it's much subtler. comes in steps, phases of wanting to by physically and emotionally as intimate as possible. But saying "I want to have sex with them" feels a lot ... more a la mode, more simply understood in today's culture, than "I feel a deep resounding urge to merge with this person in every way possible." that's just... such a vulnerable way to feel!

[Semtex in August]

it must be like the matrix

we took the green pill

they took the blue pill

they are stuck in a web of connectedness

and we see everything from a very different perspective