Uncomfortable with Other People's Sex Lives.

[Simone_Ferocious]

First post here, recently out as asexual, though I don't really know where I fit. I've struggled for a long time with uncomfortable feelings towards other people's sex lives intersections with me. Only recently have I recognised that I feel uncomfortable about sex that involves me too! I'm still processing a lot of these feelings.

More immediately though, my closest friend/housemate has a thing going on with a girl we both know, and the idea of them together is incredibly, intensely uncomfortable for me. I'm finding myself getting physically nauseous. At the same time, I'm really happy that she's found someone who is totally lovely and awesome, and I don't begrudge her all of the enjoyment as a sexual person that she can get from that. I just don't want to get too weirded out and make things difficult for her.

It's not just her too - someone I used to sleep with, who is now in a monogamous relationship still brings up sex stuff about what she's up to with me. And it makes me, again, feel very awkward/frowny and nauseous.

So TL;DR: Do awkward feelings about other people's sex lives go away? Is there anything you've found that helps?

[Telecaster68]

It's perfectly okay (though a bit awkward I guess) to politely say you don't feel comfortable talking about other people's sex lives. Or just move the conversation on.

As for feeling nauseous about other people having sex - all I can suggest is try not to think about it. It's not something you can do a lot about.

[allrightalready]

i just sort of figure that what other people do in private time is none of my business

when people "get busy" in my presence that makes me uncomfortable (people eating each others face off on the bus and such) and i just tell them they need to get a room

[SkyWorld]

I'm quite oblivious to it. They don't usually share their sex lives with me, in which I actually greatly appreciate. It's none of my business to begin with and nor do I want to make it my business. So when they don't bring it up... I don't think about it. If they'd ever bring it up, then I am most certainly very uncomfortable and even try to zone out from the conversation.

So perhaps ask politely if they could spare you all the information from their sex lives.

[furor]

I'm very uncomfortable with people's love and sex lives. I've never liked it, ever since I was very young and grew up around a lot of it.

[nanogretchen4]

Outside of AVEN I very rarely discuss or think about other people's love lives. I only do so on AVEN because people bring up the topic or ask for advice. In real life I don't ask nosy questions, and I generally don't have any love life of my own to discuss. I'm pretty neutral about the topic, except that before I figured out that I'm demisexual I was embarrassed because I didn't have a good explanation for my own lack of activity on that front. Now I think I would feel comfortable just coming out if a friend happened to ask.

If your friend is going into graphic detail I think it would be fine to say you're uncomfortable. If it's just a matter of knowing that they're dating a certain person, probably you should just try not to dwell on it.

[Frigid Pink]

It's none of my business what other people do in their personal lives (as long as it's "safe, sane, and consensual"). If I didn't want to know about the details of someone's sexual activities, then I'd be upfront about that and speak up if I feel uncomfortable. If I was uncomfortable with what other people do in their personal lives (even when it's "safe, sane, and consensual"), then I'd work on that because it's not all about me and my feelings; it's about others and what makes them happy and comfortable, too.

[lyptonv]

I'm new too, and still figuring out (and probably will be for a while) where I fit. I've always been secretly trying to figure out how to pass through life without anyone finding out that I had no personal experience to draw upon when others start talking openly and grapically about their sex lives. I thought my being uncomfortable was just because it's seen as strange for someone of my age (mid 30s) to have no experience, but your post caught my eye because it made me realize that I've ALWAYS felt uncomfortable with other people's intimacies, even at a very young age. When my older sisters talked about their boyfriends, ended up pregnant, wanted to bond with the teenage me -- all the conversations were directed to sharing their sex stories. But meanwhile my skin was crawling.

I try to recognize that this is just what people with sex lives do, and if they're not being otherwise inappropriate (like colleagues bullying me to share - in which case I'd say that I'm uncomfortable), I just change the topic as quickly as possible. I think how important the individual is to you could impact how their behavior affects you - when my best friend was coming out as gay and very focused on his new partner, I had difficulty sharing a room with them because they never stopped touching each other. He thought I was disgusted with his sexuality, which couldn't have been further from the truth - it was that witnessing their foreplay made me feel like running for the hills, which was itself confusing. Now, I put their intimacy into the context of them being in a secure, happy relationship, so it bothers me far less than a random couple making out on a train.

[El-not-so-ace]

I'm lucky that my friends don't tell me about their relationships in such detail, but I think that they possibly say more to each other (as in between other friends). They do hint at some things or make certain comparisons and I'm usually alright as I don't try to imagine these scenarios actually playing out. :P I believe that this is a very private matter and so even if I do go down that path later, I don't think I'll be any more interested in hearing graphic stories.

[marauders]

I have always been uncomfortable with hearing about sex. My roommate in college talked about it constantly; she always shared details, despite the fact that I asked her multiple times to stop. It used to bother me a lot more then, but I have since developed two coping strategies; tuning people out when they discuss it (if I am in a big group and I am the only one uncomfortable), or, preferably, being more firm when I ask them not to share those details with me.