Asexuality - no snogs, kisses, hugs?

[Spike]

First I'd like to apologize if my English sucks, it's not my mother tongue.

I've just met someone. I'm sexual and he tells me he is asexual but that it is a period for him. Now I'm wondering about "being close", physical. He's not too much for that either so I'm wondering, can that be right? I mean, asexual people doesn't like to kiss, snog, cuddle? I just got the impression that is was the sexual attraction that wasn't there and not the cuddly stuff. He tells me he's inlove with me and he calls me a lot, we hang together and he likes to hold my hand.

Please, give me some answers. I'm going crazy not knowing and how I'm supposed to react. The thing is I have been diagnozed with borderline so I'm very sensitive. Extra even.

[Orbit]

Different asexuals have different levels of intamcy they feel comfortable with. Some of us like no touching at all, some like holding hands, others cuddles, some of us like kissing, others can have sex.

So...there really isn't a 'proper' way to behave with an asexual. You have to figure out the specific person you're dealing with - have you asked him? It might seem like a tough question to bring up - but often times talking about it is a lot easier than making a move and having it be unwelcomed. Plus, people who are in love should be able to talk to each other about how they are feeling. :)

hawke

[Spike]

hawke - we've talked some but it's all very new. I feel I don't really know him yet and he doesn't know me too well either. I'm thinking about whether I should tell him about my borderline so that he'll know things gets to me more than to other people. It's such an important, yet difficult, part of me.

[The Evil Cashew]

I think you should tell him that. . LIke Hawke said communication is important. He needs to know how you feel and you need to know how he does.

~Cashew

[myra]

there is no general rule about 'the asexual', some like to cuddle, some like to kiss, some don't.

I agree that talking about it is the most important part.

[Spike]

I'm trying to talk to him now. I gave him the link to this great site where borderline is explained. He's read it, he'll call me later tonight.

[The Evil Cashew]

Good for you! keep it up!

~Cashew

[Rabger]

I agree with Hawke and everyone else. Communication is very important. And also as they said, different people have different comfort levels. This is true even amoung sexual people. Some sexuals hate cuddling, for example. As for your "snogging," I have absolutely no idea what that is... Anyone? Also, in first relationships (if its a first), people often have to explore to find their comfort levels. People that are especially unsure or uncomfortable have to have an understanding partner that is willing to take things slowly.

As for his "asexual period," I don't buy that. Asexuality is not a phase. He could be misusing the term, or is confused about who he is or what he's feeling.

[Hallucigenia]

I believe that "snogging" is British slang for various permutations of kissing and cuddling.

[Lady Heartilly]

I believe that "snogging" is British slang for various permutations of kissing and cuddling.

LOL, I learned that from Harry Potter! :lol:

[LostPenguin]

As everyone else has said, communication is first. It varies for everyone. Some people like myself like doing just about ANYTHING that doesn't come close to sex or require removal of clothing. Hugging, kissing, cuddling, snuggling, actually sleeping together- I'm fine with and like all of it to one extent or another. Best you can do is find it out together.

(P.S. Yay Spike! I love Spike of Buffy. Nice pick. )

[foodie]

Some people like myself like doing just about ANYTHING that doesn't come close to sex or require removal of clothing.

That be me too!

For me, affection is important

[Indigo]

As for his "asexual period," I don't buy that. Asexuality is not a phase. He could be misusing the term, or is confused about who he is or what he's feeling.

Perhaps he meant the opposite, as in, "He is asexual. Period." Or I could be wrong. It's a bit unclear.

[Gem]

I'm not inclined to go out and snog all the boys. Although, when I have done, on occasion I have been turned on by it... :lol:

But at the same time I still don't like the idea of having sex... I don't know, it's odd. Very confusing.

[Steeple333]

I believe that "snogging" is British slang for various permutations of kissing and cuddling.

LOL, I learned that from Harry Potter! :lol:

...Me too. XD I think...

On Topic> Communication is important, I'm glad you'll talk to him about the borderline thing. ^_^ Also, your English is good. Keep it up, man. English grammer = no friggin' sense. =o

[Wild Seven]

Finey, some more person who has better English than me. Neh, this sucks. *goes into em's cave and promises never go back*

*goes back*

It's fine to have you aboard. And don't worry about your English, here are crowds of non-primary English speakers, and nobody beats them or something, so it's not a major problem. Also, what are dictionaries and fellow Swedish AVENites for?

If you will, keep us posted how your relationship goes and if it's going good way for you both. Good luck.

[me2]

I am a asexual female who has no interest in sex (intercourse or oral) but otherwise I am very affectionate. I love to cuddle & hug.

I am so happy I found this site, since I am 51 and have lived like this for 90% of my adult life and it's great to know I am not alone.

Communication is so important. Ask him if it is the sex alone or any type of physical contact, as I avoided physical contact as a way of avoiding it leading into sex. Maybe this is his problem.

Good Luck

[coolfrequency]

oh dear, I think a borderline sexual and an asexual, are a deadly combination

being sexual and dating an asexual tends to bring out feelings of rejection in just about any sexual person, whether or not we *should* feel that way. And, if you're borderline, you're going to be hypersensitive to fearing rejection...and if you combine that with actual sexual rejection...I just think it's going to bring out every fear of rejection you ever had, and make both of your lives a living hell

I mean its hard to make blanket statements without knowing both of you, but I don't think the two of you are a good match...at the very least, you've got a lot stacked against you from the beginning, here.

[ApplePie]

oh dear, I think a borderline sexual and an asexual, are a deadly combination

I don't agree. Remember that a persons degree of interest in sexual interaction with others is not a boolean function - i.e. it's not like anybody just has the attraction/interest or doesn't - there is a whole scale ranging from utter dislike of even the thought of sex at one end and sexual Olympians at the other. We all sit somewhere on this scale, 'asexuals' occupying an area around the bottom end. Finding a partner who is 100% identical to you in this area is gonna be difficult.

Not all 'asexuals' are totally unwilling to engage in some form of sexual activity - purely for the benefit of their more sexual partner. Even two people who don't wish to engage in sexual intercourse may have differing interests in other activities such as kissing even hugging. Relationships are all about compromise, reaching understanding and common ground.

There have been plenty of examples of successful relationships described by members of this site where the level of sexual interest is not equal.

ApplePie

[Fleabus]

Well, my wife and I kiss each other good night every night. I get hugs on demand and so does she. That's about it for the physical demonstration of our love and it's enough for us. We always are willing to drop what we are doing to listen to a problem, let the other person vent a fustration or give advice and we think that is what it is all about.