I never felt alienated?

[GloomyGhost]

Hi, I'm still kinda new to it and still a lot confused.

I'd seen stuff about asexuality before and never really seriously thought it would be me... until I came across it again and when I read something about "being sexually attracted to this and this gender", I stopped and thought "wait... how do I know which gender am I attracted to anyway?", I read the definitions again, cleared up a lot of misconceptions, read some descriptions of what sexual attraction was supposed to be and didn't really know what they were talking about. That made me think I might be asexual after all.

However, I never felt out of place or different than everybody else about this (in many other non-related aspects, yes). Yeah, I decided I was never gonna date (so probably never have sex as well… which never bothered me at all), but it never really striked me that I didn’t fit in. I knew that it was a little unusual, but I felt proud of it. Maybe I felt I was weird (still proud though) about the dating part, but not the sex part. The thought of sex didn’t repulse me, I’ve thought about it a lot and it was entertaining for me (but the more I think about it, the more I believe that in reality it would be a different story – which I now realized is something I didn’t really think about, actually doing it in reality). But I didn’t have a huge lack of interest in the topic. I never really felt confused when sex was mentioned either... I guess I didn't relate, but that's probably because I never had sex. I haven’t had many occasions when I would hear people talk about sex on the other hand.

But a huge majority here says how they always felt very different, confused, never fit in and didn't know what it was that was different about them etc. It's one of the things that make me unsure if I am asexual or not. And I guess I feel kinda alienated in here by never having felt alienated :D I know it is not a requirement for being asexual, but why would I have a different sexual orientation than the majority and never notice it or feel different? I’m already 22… Could I have been just too much of a weird introverted loner to realize how different I was? Anyone else who never really felt different, but then discovered asexuality and related to it?

[Guest]

In my opinion, and this is, granted, from a sexual perspective, but... my partner also never felt weird or different, and I suspect many people fit into that category. There are so many things that can make a person feel left out or odd, and I see a ton of stuff on AVEN that really has nothing, or at least little, to do with asexuality. Since this is an internet forum, the people who hang out on it are going to naturally be part of a self-selected group of people who engage in internet socializing. You've got to figure, then, there's a lot of asexual people who either never thought to look it up or who don't fit in with the specific AVEN culture (which is notably young, nerdy, and introverted).

[SkyWorld]

I was actually one of those few who never really thought that I was broken or different, at least in the case of sexuality. I've heard many people say how they've always felt that they were broken because they don't feel the same way that many other people felt. I never had experienced that feeling. I thought that I was strange enough as is as a (younger) kid, but I didn't think it had anything to do with my asexuality.

I found out about asexuality through a friend. I never had heard of it elsewhere or was trying to figure out what was "wrong" with me. I thought that in the case of my a/sexuality, I was normal. Which is why it took me a while to come to terms with because it was hard to wrap my head around the fact that I'm not actually part of the majority like I thought. I was actually part of the minority of the minority.

So although there may not be as many people who never felt broken or alienated, there are certainly people who can relate. *raises hand*

[Autumn Season]

Yeah, I never felt different from my peers. I thought everyone was like me. xD Still I'm very happy with my asexual identity. It just describes me very well.

Hum, when I "came out" to my mom, she made a big fuss about it, treating me as if I was an unhappy, insecure, confused little thing in the overly sexualized world of today. But none of this is true. I am happy, confident (about my identity and when talking to the "opposite sex"), well-informed (about sex) and comfortable in my own skin. So, she thought that "different" was "bad". However for me it was just one more thing I thankfully learned about myself.

(Didn't intend to brag, hopefully it didn't look that way. )

[Cove]

I'm 24 and only discovered two weeks ago that I'm asexual. All that time before I assumed I was "normal." There were certain other things where I felt alienated, but it was never related to my sexuality. I just assumed (for some odd reason) that I'd become more sexual when I met my future husband. It never occurred to me that things don't really work that way. So no, I never felt like the odd one out either. Now... sometimes it's a different story. But up until recently I'd never felt different like that.

[GloomyGhost]

Thanks guys, I feel like I'm reversed. So many people felt confused, then found out about asexuality and it clicked. I never thought about orientations much, then found out about asexuality and started feeling confused. Good to know I'm not alone. Also realized some things while writing that post.

[Autumn Season]

Edit: And I still have this innate, gut-level "belief" that everyone must be bullshitting about sex and that 99% of people have it -- or want it, for that matter -- somewhere between never and a few times a year. :P Even though I know that's not true.

Me too! xD I have to keep reminding my self "No, this is not a joke", "Yes, they were honest", "No, they don't sleep on separate beds" and so on.

[TruBluMOM]

Add me to the list of folks who never really felt different.....still don't. I enjoy this community, but it's a bit confusing at the same time that folks for whom sex isn't important gather so as to talk about sex. It makes sense to me that the majority of folks who aren't interested in sex aren't interested in talking about it either, and thus their "voice" is unheard. I suspect their are a lot of folks who fit the definition of asexual, and I suspect there is a lot of exaggeration of what is "normal".

[Wild Seven]

Feelings of belonging or alienation aren't a prerequisite for any sort of identity.

And identities are fluid and changeable by nature. That you didn't experience dysphoria with some or any of them, doesn't mean you're somehow 'less' a (insert identity). It just means that luckily, you've been spared some mental anguish because of that identity. That's a good thing in my book.

[nanogretchen4]

When I was young enough to still be dating people I knew from high school there was no reason to think I was different for that reason. It was normal at that age to know people platonically for years before dating them, so demisexuality was not obvious. Then I was in a six year relationship so I didn't have to deal with dating. Then I was mourning that relationship and focusing on my career. When I noticed that years had passed with no desire to date anyone, I figured I'd just have to grit my teeth and try dating people I didn't already know well like everyone else did. I could not make that work and after a while I stopped trying. There wasn't a word for why I was so bad at dating and I didn't know that others had similar experiences. People kept asking me if I was seeing anyone or if there was anyone I liked, and I was really embarrassed by the whole topic. I thought I just wasn't trying hard enough, like if I just put my mind to it I could find someone attractive, or maybe everyone wasted large chunks of their lives dating people they had no interest in and maybe I should just suck it up and do the same. I didn't hear of the word demisexual until a few months ago.

[SpiffyParadox]

I suppose I never felt alienated or broken or anything like that regarding my asexuality. I knew my feelings were different from others, in that sense. When my family found out, they were none too thrilled (especially my mom who straight up denied it; my siblings not caring either way) but, even then, I didn't feel bad about it. I just shrugged it off and continued doing my own thing. When I came out to friends in high school (around 16 or 17) they were very positive and supportive of me; never made me felt bad. Of course they had their questions with a dash of light teasing but I always laughed it off and answered them to the best of my knowledge.

I am sex-repulsed. I prefer not to read/see/hear about what's going on with people in that department. However, over the years, i've become rather indifferent towards it. Maybe because I keep coming across it so much that i've grown used to it. As long as it doesn't involve me, it doesn't bother me.

Ever since joining AVEN, i've only embraced my asexuality even more. I do my best to educate myself about the spectrum and anything else related to it in hoped inform and enlighten others. Knowledge is power, my friend. Who knows, maybe i'll help another ace not feel so alienated or alone? :)

[DoubleU]

It was similar for me as well, the first time I heard that term asexual was when my friend suggested I might be one. I had never felt out of place before then, Still don't. I have yet to come out to my parents but my friends were very excepting. Before I had heard the term I never assumed I was the strange one, I thought everyone else was. Now I know that I'm actually the minority, but it doesn't bother me at all. I can also relate to being kind of an outsider on the forum because I'm a very extroverted Male and don't come from some kind of negative background nor have I had very many negative experiences involving my sexuality or really anything at all. I only found this community about a week ago but I already love it, even if I am the minority of the minority of the minority.Anyways, enough rambling from me. (=

[Kuebiko]

Same here! As in, I've been different for as long as I could remember, being a major geek/nerd/introvert/naive child and all, so it's become so normal that I've never actually felt different despite knowing I was different from the rest.

I have some pretty conservative parents who don't talk about sex and the internet and basically everything you need to know in life. Also, conservative girls' school for 10 years of my life and major nerd. Also I didn't bother getting friends because emotional connection was one of my greatest weaknesses. So maybe it was this super sheltered naive lifestyle I was living that caused me to never quite understand why sex and romance were such important things to everyone. As a result, I've never felt different for not wanting sex/appreciating people in certain ways.

There's also this issue about the "you're not broken" thing on tumblr and other websites with aces (AVEN included). It's always made me feel very uncomfortable. Like, I've never felt broken. Am I supposed to feel broken? Is this some sort of initiation thing where you feel broken and then discover your identity and then get reassured by people with experience? And these positivity posts have actually done quite a number on my self esteem. While I understand that people do need positivity posts (although they annoy the ever-living hell out of me), I think it's great to know that there are people who don't feel different in their daily lives.

[Ioras]

Oh boy. I'm currently feeling like the weirdest weirdo ever.
Aka so alienated, I don't understand what's going on around me:
I fell in love with a girl and we have a long-distance relationship now (about 300 km distance, that's about 3 hours on the train) and we stay in touch through texts and social media and here's the thing that has me feel like I'm such an outsider to life:
Whenever she posts a pic with a friend and said friend happens to be male her other friends or peers automatically make assumptions about them having sex or being in a relationship and that hurts me sooo much. But I don't know what to say?? I'm way over here and I'm not interested in even *trying* to have sex.
I really don't know what's going on. I don't know if this is normal. And I really, really hate this.
It makes me feel so broken and I never felt like this before about my sexuality. Like I'm insufficient or something. Like I'm not doing enough, not trying hard enough to feel something that I just don't. I just don't know what to do??
):

[booksoversex]

Sort of the same. It didn't even occur to me I was different when it came to sex until the last couple of years. I have always had these "deals" with myself on that I "had to" make out with a guy before I turned 15, "had to" have sex before I left high school etc. It was mostly a bet for me, something I told myself I had to do. I didn't care about sex for years and years, and then I decided that I was gonna have it when I turned 18, turned 18 in spring and had sex that following summer. It was mostly a conscious decision, never anything I wanted. I suspected (and still do, to be honest) that it was the same for a lot of people, I think very few of my female friends honestly had sex for the first time because they desperately wanted to.

I have had several sex partners since. I have tried many different things. I am more experienced than quite a few of my friends. And I have many friends I never talked about sex with. To this day, I don't know how they relate to sex except the little they've told me about them and their partner, preferences etc. Most of the friends in that gang have been in relationships for years. I have other friends who prefer to go home with different people each week. Those are two of many aspects of sexuality.

I have only started feeling a bit different when friends in general became more open about sex. I was always interested in knowing about sex and about people's sex lives, but I never really felt it related to me - even though I've had it. I have heard how differently people have started talking about sex, and realized that when some of my partnered-up friends talk about how they can't stand to be away from their partner for week, this actually has a lot to do with sex (I just thought they missed them in other ways, or didn't understand why they didn't rejoice in the opportunity to be alone with the dog, the fridge, red wine and the TV for a week - seemed like an exaggeration to me, whenever they complain about it). I have gotten more friends and realized they have this very conscious drive towards sex that I don't have. I've had it when I felt I "had to" because it had been so long, to fit in. The last time I tried, I realized even before we tried having sex that there was no chemistry, no interest there. It was basically just a chore to me, something I had convinced myself to believe I had to do. It was sort of the drop, I guess, and after that I was just like, well, why do I even bother? I couldn't care less about sex. Sure, it can be good. Especially if it's with someone who knows my body. But... Well... It's not something I can be bothered with seeking out. And that was a thought which, after all these years, made me wonder if I had a different atittude towards sex.

I still don't know. I believe there are many aspects to sexuality, and many asexuals oversimplify it. Maybe I am asexual. Maybe I am sexual, just one who prefers masturbation. Maybe I am demisexual. Maybe I am just sex-indifferent, but not asexual. Maybe I am just lazy. Maybe I've just been so long without, I don't remember what it's like. Maybe I'm really just not interested in dating, and therefore never get in a sexual situation anyways. Maybe I am gray. Either way, I agree that discovering asexuality has in many ways made me more confused. Although, it has also made me sit down and really consider what I think about sex, so it has at the same time made me more confident in my (potential a)sexuality.