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Asexuality and alcoholism.


acepoppyheart

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I had a serious drinking problem until shortly before my gall stones hit with a vengence. It was probably because of my drinking  that I developed them, but I developed an intolerance some time previously. I celebrated 5 years' abstinence on 12th December and the odd time I wonder if I should try it, I remember the pain before the vomiting and decide against it. Is this what's known as 'aversion therapy'?

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In my younger days I had tons and tons of drunken sex. I don't really feel bad about it now. I was just trying to find my way through the twists and turns of being human. I only drink about 4 times a year now. and sex? No thank you.

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Phantasmal Fingers

I have been a very heavy drinker from time to time. I think there's a correlation between heavy drinking and some aspect of yourself or your past that is hidden (or half hidden) and that you don't like and are trying to deal with. For some this may be asexuality or perhaps the semi repressed idea that one ought not to be asexual. But then again I have also enormously enjoyed heavy boozing for its own sake.

 

I still like a few from time to time. Don't miss the feeling of being drunk though, or the hangovers.

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uRBAN_Spaceman

This is an interesting question the OP has brought up that I never really considered before. I don't enjoy drinking for the most part for multiple reasons. I don't like the taste of any of it, I don't like the feeling of intoxication, and I don't like hang overs. Now this doesn't mean I don't drink on special occasions or get a little wild from time to time. But I can say when I've entered relationships my drinking has gone way up and immediately returns to near nothing upon the end of the relationship. I'm sure there's multiple factors playing into this like I become way more social when im dating or the person I'm dating likes to drink more than I do so I accomdate them. I've never once felt guilty for who I am so I don't think that plays a factor when I do drink. When im single and do decide to drink it's usually because I'm stuck in a very uncomfortable coed situation with no escape route in sight. Or I'm in a very rare "let's burn this mother effer down" kind of mood. 

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  • 1 month later...

I used to drink an unhealthy amount when I was younger but hardly touch the stuff now. Looking back I think it's because I wasn't really at ease with myself and didn't really want to explore the fact that I was different so used drink to block it out. After discovering asexuality, it took me about a year to get my head around it but during that time I found my urge to drink really tailed off. I don't think this is a coincidence (although having my first two-day hangover on account of being older probably helped!). I suspect there are lots of asexuals who abuse alcohol for similar reasons so I was surprised to hear that most drink less than average! It would be interesting to see if alcohol issues were more prevalent in aces that don't yet know they're aces than those who are out and proud.

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  • 2 weeks later...
On 10/29/2015 at 9:51 PM, acepoppyheart said:

drinking problems tied in with lots of issues pertaining to sexuality, denying my asexuality to try and function in relationships (before I really addressed or acknowledged who I actually was) being one of them. In general, I have had severe drinking problems, if not being an outright alcoholic.

If this isn't me. I have always liked to drink because it makes me more social - but the most destructive and excessive way in which I've used alcohol is in trying to reject my asexuality. There was a good six months, right after I came out as gay, when I would get drunk almost daily and meet up with men in bars or on dating apps. I refused to believe I was asexual, and thought I could prove it to myself by having a lot of sex. Of course, there is no way I could go through with it while sober - I had to be smashed out of my mind. Sometimes, other drugs were involved. I have never had sex sober. 

 

When I start dating someone, my alcohol intake goes way up as well. Even if they don't expect sex from me. I think I am partly aromantic as well, and alcohol and other drugs help me fake the excitement and emotion I figure you're supposed to feel when dating. 

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  • 1 month later...

I'm in my late 30's, and my 20's were certainly alcohol fueled, much like a lot of people I suspect. I quit alcohol over a year ago for health reasons and started to realize I rarely had sober sex. I was using it to cope, yikes. I'm romantic, get aroused, and often enjoy the sensations of sex, feel attracted to people aesthetically, and personality wise, and I never think, "I want to bone them." Never sexually fantasize about anyone. It's more like, hmm, they seem sexually interested, I could give that a try. But I'd really rather kiss and snuggle and go on adventures. Maybe. Sometimes. If they're really awesome. The compounding and confusing factor is libido killing depression, which has been on and off for a lifetime.

Casual sex was never my thing, no matter how much alcohol. But not having sex at all? That meant being alone, and who wants that. There's so much out there saying that sex is the foundation of healthy relationships, and I'm starting to think otherwise. I know this wasn't started as a questioning thread, but that seems to be where I am going.....

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I enjoy a drink now and then, whether alone or with friends, and not much has changed about that over my lifetime. It's had little to do with my asexuality. I do remember working myself up toward asking a girl out once when I was drunk at a college party, but was too far gone to follow up - and the idea evaporated with the buzz.

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Guest Jetsun Milarepa

I suspect that aces can reflect the wider population in these things, some have had alcohol problems, some not.

I come from a temperance family, so alcohol never figured in our lives, but when I left and went to university, I dabbled a bit, but it wasn't really an interest I developed, so I guess I've been tee total for all but 4 years of my life.

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I do have a drinking pattern, just like I am popping Cetricizin when I am starting to sneeze the hay fever way. 

Fortunately there is no woman giving me heartache and a strong feeling of guilt + no chance to live up to her demands in my life so I am staying pretty dry. - If somebody moved in and made my life rather miserable I might quite likely become an alcoholic. 

Police checking me always tell I'd be fitting exactly into their junkie scheme. - I don't need substances as long as I have my door to shut Internet or books to crawl into and a bit of peace at home. 

 

Alcohol helps coping with misery. There might be better ways but I don't know them. So far the relationship triggered drinking lasted 2 nights until my plane out and back home went. I had a bottle of vodka or a sip less during last fortnights of vacation with others. Two thirds of a mug make me peaceful enough for a night.

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I drink socially sometimes, but rarely get drunk. I drink at home too, when it's just me, but I do it for the flavour - I love ales. I only drink one bottled ale maybe twice a week. 

Anything stronger than wine starts tasting of alcohol too much and I wouldn't touch it, ugh.

I'm originally from a country where vodka flows freely ;) so some of my English friends assumed I drink a lot of vodka. Nope, vodka is vile. 

 

My dad used to experiment with home made fruit wines and stronger liquor - I was always disappointed when he decided to turn wine into something stronger. He even used to pick some strange tree blossom and make wine from it, he's an artist :)

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jay williams
On 12/30/2016 at 2:56 PM, Spiritus55 said:

In my younger days I had tons and tons of drunken sex. I don't really feel bad about it now. I was just trying to find my way through the twists and turns of being human. I only drink about 4 times a year now. and sex? No thank you.

I had tons and tons of beer. I never had "tons and tons" of drunken sex, but the sex I always had was "drunken,"  and it never made the earth move. That is a certainty! When I was younger, I was also trying to find my way. I did find that my sexuality was basically muddled and confused. I have finally come to realize that I am bisexual. If I could have known that 40 years ago, would it have made a difference? Who knows?

There is no point in feeling bad about any sex we have had. In my case, it took having sex to know that I don't care for "boning" somebody...which is important in itself since we are told that all males want that.

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I'm not averse to a beer or three :ph34r:, but it's never lead to sex. 

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Guest Jetsun Milarepa

Haha! so there isn't an automatic connection between drink and sex! It's an antidote to hearing all the stuff in the papers....:D

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I think it's genetic too, right? My gran was an alcoholic (used to have a brown paper bag of something behind the microwave that she'd occasionally swig from, as if we couldn't see) and I think my mum has similar tendencies, so I'm aware that my love of alcohol is in my make up and I have to stay in control of it. I do love wine, though :ph34r:

I used to get hammered at uni but I think that was in an effort to do what's already been discussed - fit in and let people do stuff to you that society expects you to want to have done to you. Plus it helped me actually talk to people, which I used to struggle with. It's that age old thing - if I'd known back then what I know now, I'd have dealt with things differently, but all you can do is do what you can at the time, unless you have someone else telling you otherwise, and even then, you might not listen to them

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jay williams
On 6/25/2017 at 8:51 AM, Debris said:

I think it's genetic too, right? My gran was an alcoholic (used to have a brown paper bag of something behind the microwave that she'd occasionally swig from, as if we couldn't see) and I think my mum has similar tendencies, so I'm aware that my love of alcohol is in my make up and I have to stay in control of it. I do love wine, though :ph34r:

I used to get hammered at uni but I think that was in an effort to do what's already been discussed - fit in and let people do stuff to you that society expects you to want to have done to you. Plus it helped me actually talk to people, which I used to struggle with. It's that age old thing - if I'd known back then what I know now, I'd have dealt with things differently, but all you can do is do what you can at the time, unless you have someone else telling you otherwise, and even then, you might not listen to them

They say it is genetic. I know that there are lots of heavy drinkers in my family tree...on both sides.

I agree with you that alcohol seemed like a magic elixir, taking away my anxieties and shyness.

It also got me laid from time to time...and getting laid was something I really thought was important as a young man.

Now I don't drink and I don't get laid. I miss drinking a little bit, but not the hangovers!

I don't miss getting laid, not at all!

I am now glad that I don't drink and I don't fuck! LOL

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I'm 32 and don't drink alcohol. Never was really into it even though I tried. My parents would try to get me to drink wine every Friday night, starting at about age 11 or 12. For myself, I never really understood why people were so into it. I was happy for others if they enjoyed it and had it in moderation. I would try to go to bars with my friends in college. Just to hang out with them. Since I've always looked much younger than my actual age, I've had some bartenders not believe my ID and they kicked me out. I wouldn't even order an alcoholic drink.

 

Anyways, I think with aces it's a little different in general. Oftentimes, drinking socially can turn (or it seems to turn) into sexual situations. So, in that way, that might be a turn off for many aces. However, I think many people who aren't apart of the heteronormative mold drink a lot. (This could be by themselves more, too.) Either to try to feel more 'normal', they're angry/depressed with not fitting into that, they're in denial, they want to forget, etc. It's a bit more tricky than saying aces are or aren't more likely to drink. 

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On ‎30‎.‎10‎.‎2015 at 2:51 AM, acepoppyheart said:

So at a meet-up recently, I found out that there's apparently statistical parallels between very low alcohol consumption and people who identify on the asexual spectrum. It seemed many of my fellow aces who were present agreed, or were indifferent.

Just on a side note: Who dares to (brag about) drink(ing) where exactly? 

  • Ace meetups might demand quite a bit of commuting. <- Les than great mix with getting hammered. 
  • Surrounding people. - Most of them female? Some of them meant to get an impression of your "cultivated persona"? Most still strangers? - Entire group probably interesting? Maybe even talking in your 2nd language? <- More reasons to stay sober.

I think the casual public drinker does so in a somewhat predictable friendly / irrelevant environment. And addicts would try to hide their addiction and keep their tide on the lower end of functionality.

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  • 3 weeks later...

Looking back, I mostly had little to no interest in alcohol. I did have one parent that had a drinking problem, but my parents divorced when I was 12 so he was out of the picture at that point. I didn't have my first drink till I was 21 (CA's legal drinking age...no one ever believes me) and was never into drugs legal or otherwise. I did drink a lot socially in my 20s, and come to think of it those were the only times I had sex and it was rare. Then I had one sexual relationship in my late 30s that lasted about 3 months. Then nothing till I married in my early 40s, divorced 2 years later and nothing since. 

 

Anyhoo, I pretty much stopped drinking when I was in my late 30s as well. I had one drink in 2013 because I was at a company Christmas party and they gave out drink tickets. People kept putting alcohol in front of me, but I just wasn't interested. Would I have had sex in the past if I hadn't drank? Probably not. I remember being propositioned in high school, there was never any question in my mind it was always "no thanks". I never really thought "oh I want to so bad but I cant!" it was just ... "mmm no".. more like total apathy. 

 

I don't really know. I hope this offers some food for thought for you. My inclination would be to think that asexuals are more often non-drinkers. All speculative tho. :)

 

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SilverFlower

I think anytime someone is struggling to figure out anything about their identity or orientation, this can lead to overuse of whatever substance to self medicate and not have to think about it so much.  That little hamster running around on the wheel in your head won't stop so you pour it a shot of tequila and put it to sleep.

Once someone "comes out" as whatever and whomever they choose to be I think this leads to a more centered comfortable way of dealing with the world and other people where alcohol or other drugs are not needed.

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jay williams
1 hour ago, SilverFlower said:

I think anytime someone is struggling to figure out anything about their identity or orientation, this can lead to overuse of whatever substance to self medicate and not have to think about it so much.  That little hamster running around on the wheel in your head won't stop so you pour it a shot of tequila and put it to sleep.

Once someone "comes out" as whatever and whomever they choose to be I think this leads to a more centered comfortable way of dealing with the world and other people where alcohol or other drugs are not needed.

Yep, and those varmints are really thirsty when it comes to tequila!

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  • 3 months later...

The only reasons I had issues with drink and drugs was due to my upbringing, my father was very abusive, he hated me, (if he's still alive, he hates me), he's Welsh, I'm English, he would jump the bones of anything that moves, he cheated during his marriage to my mother and spawned many offspring, whereas I have no sex drive, never married, no kids, he was married at 19, he had spawned at least 3 kids by the time he was 21, two of us with my mother, one with a prostitute (so I'm told) from Catterick, he was very hateful, it affected me in all walks of life, so much so that because he was a drinker, I'd try to keep up with him as I figured the less he drank, the less he would be nasty, oh how stupid and naive I was back then, but because I was the one who worked and paid the bills, I got to the stage where I dreaded going home so I drank, smoked weed, snorted coke just to blank off the thought of going back home to hell, luckily, my parents split up and he soon went off with another woman, I believe he went back to Wales, that was back in 1989, at the end of 1989, I was asked to become a godparent, that was the point where I cleaned my act up, I still have the odd beer or shot of whiskey, not to the point of getting drunk, I don't like being drunk, I smoke cigarettes occasionally, no weed, no coke, but for most of the time, I'm completely clean.

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I never drank until my step father convinced me to enjoy some wine. I was 18 and we were playing a card game. I recorded the event on tape. One can clearly hear how even a small amount of alcohol affected me.  As a young adult I learned how and how not to drink. For me at least, one gets drunk twice. There is a feeling of happiness and relaxation which slowly fades as one continues to drink. If one drinks past this point the same thing happens all over again but it is far more intense. One begins to loose control and ends up "blind stinking drunk". Then begins a slippery slope towards getting violently sick and having a hangover the next morning.  It felt like I could not get out of first gear for at least half the day. Seldom however did I experience a headache. However the nausea and annoying lack of energy convinced me not to drink more than I should. One other thing that faded as the years passed was the dizzy feeling I sometimes got. If I closed my eyes I begin to get sick. Well, that's the past now. It took just a handful of unpleasant experiences to train me how to drink sensibly. However from my first sip of wine I have always avoided drinking and driving. I feel rather uncomfortable about the notion of a road trip even after just a small glass of beer. The alcohol tends to make me rather assertive on the road and this is not a good thing. As George Thoroughgood sang, I drink alone. Sensibly of course. Alcohol relaxes me at the end of the day. I can't deny it makes me less inhibited and this is another cause for concern. I have to be very careful when I drink and post, least I have a few good drinks and turn into a flaming were-troll. This only really happened on another server which might have been entitled alt.flame.american troll.  Even then I would get up the next morning and feel ashamed of what I had said. Oh well, I wandered into a hillbilly bar called the Dew Drop In and started a fight with a gang of red necks. Alcohol and sex? I once had a friend I traveled extensively with. She was born in a small Indiana town. One can take the girl out of the country - and I suppose you know how the rest of it goes. I wanted a friend. She wanted a husband. She tried everything she could to seduce me. Even "whiskey dick". One evening we were reviewing the photos I had taken that day and she unexpectedly became incredibly drunk. I can only assume that where she grew up, a drunk woman was incredibly attractive. I suppose I just grew up in a different neighborhood. I believe she may have taken some sort of medication beforehand that should not have been mixed with alcohol. I remember the evening ending with a scene right out of Winnie the Pooh. She had to climb only three steps to reach the camper's bedroom but her shins were about the same size of my feet. Pooh visits Rabbit and gets stuck in the rabbit hole because he's eaten too much honey. I wound up behind my friend pushing her back side up the stairs. As I returned to sleep downstairs on the floor she bid this "sweet prince" goodnight. Oh well, she got the husband she wanted, I got peace, solitude and Romulan ale on occasion.  Most of the time it's Ogre's ale - red wine and vodka.

 

Cheers!     

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Well, like most folks, I experimented with booze when I was younger...and found it lacking.  The first time I drank to excess was pretty much the last time, as hugging the porcelain God while offering up the contents of your stomach is NOT my idea of a good time.

 

I never really liked the way it made me feel...all woozy and uncoordinated and moody.

 

Yes...moody.  I'm a very maudlin drunk.   

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