Thinking you're gay but really you were just asexual all along (& vice-versa)

[xSkylar]

I'm sure a lot of yall have been through this too :P Going through a period of your life battling with the possibility that you might be gay because you'd never felt anything more than surface attraction to a guy (or girl, if you're male) while all your friends have had tons of high-school crushes... Until you discovered 'asexuality' in which everything you felt and experienced kinda just fell into place and made sense? And then you realize "Ahhh.... so I was just ace this whole time. LOL"

But has anyone ever experienced the opposite? Where they thought they were asexual, until they actually had an experience with a person of the same gender, in which they realized they were just gay. How would you know?

I identify as a panromantic asexual. I feel like I could date both guys and girls, but I don't like the idea of sex, it just puts me off. I've only dated guys though, and I do wonder if maybe I just don't know yet with girls since I've never been with one before.

[nerdperson777]

I'm sensually and platonically attracted to femme people so before I realized my gender, I thought I was gay for a bit but didn't want to admit it. I had squishes on girls which I thought were crushes since I kept thinking about them. But eventually I realized that my attraction wasn't sexual or romantic and that I wasn't really a girl.

[dissolved]

Haha sort of :D

I've always known I was attracted to girls, but tried to do the heteronormative thing... that failed of course :P the attraction was also never really enough to act on until pretty recently... a combination of being completely true to myself and finding someone incredibly accepting...? I dunno. I don't like saying "I've found the right person" but I guess it's kinda true in a way...

But during my teens and most of my 20s, identifying as ace was completely correct... now, I'm inclined to go with demisexual... but I'm not gay in the sense that I don't identify with my body... I'm not female and attracted to females, I'm probably a trans guy attracted to one female so... kinda straight? :D

[That asexual guy]

I had a lot of people try to convince me I was gay just because I was so indifferent to women. Some of them to this day continue to tell me I'm gay even though I flat out say I'm asexual. One woman at work constantly comes to me to tell me about guys who are hot and waits for me to respond. I just sit there and stare at her.

[Dizzard]

Sometimes I'm not totally certain. I mean for a few months now I thought I was asexual, but now I think I must be gay. I mean on one hand it seems pretty clear but on the other hand it still feels like it could be clearer. I guess the only way I could make it clearer is if I actually got together with somebody......I'm kind of scared of trying some hook up app though. I made an okCupid account but I haven't worked up the nerve to add a picture yet.

Off topic rambling. :P

It's not usually like instant attraction though, it's more like I have to study them for a while before I feel anything. I mean I think there's certainly instant aesthetic attraction and maybe a slight "vibe" or "feeling" about them (which is probably what makes me interested in studying them in the first place).....but it's incredibly rare that I look at a guy and get a "wowzers!" type reaction. I think I also have to catch myself in a particular mood too. Although I guess it's normal for a persons capacity to be attracted to move through phases? I think maybe I'm more likely to feel something at different times of the day too.

Since I started seriously looking at pictures of guys about a month ago only one has caused an instant reaction, the others may have caught my attention by being aesthetically attractive (or giving off a vibe) but I still had to study them at length before I felt anything deeper, anything that I would call "sexual attraction". Multiple pictures help a lot and gifs help a lot more than static images. Although thinking about it now that seems pretty obvious.

I'm not used to imagining these kind of things, so even though I do feel like it causes a reaction it's usually something I have to consciously facilitate. So while I do feel like my body reacts to guys, I'm not sure if my mind is as likely to follow, or at least it takes a while to catch up. I guess it's possible I'm just not used to considering guys in this way? I'm not sure.

[Frigid Pink]

No, however, my level of sexual aversion and sexual repulsion seems to have lessened a bit over the years. I mean, it's at a more tolerable level now, I guess. I still don't like sex scenes in movies or sex talk, however, I can tolerate it better now. Fortunately, I'm generally not around people that talk about sex explicitly and I usually don't watch movies that involve a lot of sex. As far as sexual aversion goes, I think that was more related to environment and experience, and it makes a difference to have a large set of positive experiences to counter all the negative ones. I'll also admit that I used to be pretty anti-sexual and that's definitely changed over the years. I used to hate sex and wish it didn't exist and, while I wouldn't say I love sex now, I certainly feel more neutral about it and am okay that it's there and that some people really enjoy it. So, that was a bit of a tangent, and not what you really asked, however, it seemed I wanted to answer about what's changed about my (a)sexuality over the years, so, there you go. It's more of my outlook and attitudes that have changed and not really my sexual orientation or how I identify.

[xSkylar]

No that's okay, it's exactly what I wanted to hear - people's individual responses and experiences about their own journey :)

But I do wonder if one needs the actual experience of being physically intimate with another male or female to really know if they're asexual or not. Because for me, everything is theoretical and speculative at this point. I never wanted to go any further than kissing with my ex-boyfriends because I was uncomfortable to do so. And all this time, even though I'd never been with a female, I know that I am attracted to girls too, but not in the sexual way. Just a romantic way. Or so I thought... because now I'm not sure if I actually just don't know what I feel about it since I've never had the experience.

I've recently become very close with one of my girl friends, and she's openly gay. I feel like there is definitely a sort of mutual attraction between us (just to clarify again, a non-sexual attraction for me). But the reason why I'm questioning my sexuality yet again is because I definitely feel different with her than with my exes. As cliche as it sounds, I actually get the butterfly feelings in my chest when I'm close to her. But then I don't think of her sexually in any way, so I really don't know why this feels so different than with guys.

I'm just wondering if anyone has been through something like that and what the outcome was.

[dissolved]

But I do wonder if one needs the actual experience of being physically intimate with another male or female to really know if they're asexual or not.

Certainly not for everyone. It definitely confirmed it for me, or at least being with someone I truly cared about (I've been somewhat... indifferent... towards girls I've been with in the past).

I actually get the butterfly feelings in my chest when I'm close to her. But then I don't think of her sexually in any way, so I really don't know why this feels so different than with guys.

It's quite difficult for me to think of someone in a sexual manner until I get close enough to them, both emotionally and in a physical sense, so I understand why you're wondering. There is an element of "you don't know until you try" but again, THIS IS NOT THE CASE FOR EVERYONE. If it is something you want to explore, talk to someone you trust and who respects you. They must know that as soon as you feel uncomfortable and want to stop, it HAS to stop. Don't go past your level of comfort.

[Frigid Pink]

But I do wonder if one needs the actual experience of being physically intimate with another male or female to really know if they're asexual or not.

I never really thought about it that far because I knew what I did and didn't want and acted accordingly. For me, it wasn't about figuring out what sexual orientation I was or even having a label to identify with, it was about finding out there were others like me, a supportive community, and mostly it was about knowing that it was okay to be and feel the way I do about sex.

[magazine-smiles]

I'm kinda floored reading this subject because I was honestly thinking about this exact thing yesterday. I believe what has helped me is the fact that I have had both boyfriends and girlfriends. I realized I was just more comfortable with women than I ever have been with men. And by comfortable, I mean emotionally & mentally mostly (since I'm fairly aro.) Plus, aesthetically, I adore women. I can't say the same for the opposite sex. It's just been little things for me...personal preferences.

[Distant Admiration]

I did think that I was gay for the longest time. From about 15 years old and on I thought I was gay, but "just didn't care" as in: "I know I'm gay, but I don't want to do anything with it" as the years went by I figured that the interest of homosexual sex was purely a mental construct and in actuality a sense of wanting to fit in, to be like everyone else around me and, well "be normal". Years later I'm far more confident in myself and my sexuality (or lack thereof) and I can safely say that I'd prefer not to have sex with anyone, may they be male or female

[xSkylar]

I'm kinda floored reading this subject because I was honestly thinking about this exact thing yesterday. I believe what has helped me is the fact that I have had both boyfriends and girlfriends. I realized I was just more comfortable with women than I ever have been with men. And by comfortable, I mean emotionally & mentally mostly (since I'm fairly aro.) Plus, aesthetically, I adore women. I can't say the same for the opposite sex. It's just been little things for me...personal preferences.

The thing is, I am visually attracted to both men and women. I can imagine myself holding hands with a guy, cuddling him etc. I could imagine dating him. But I will get VERY uncomfortable with the thought that of being intimate with him, even if we're just cuddling and if his hands start to wander. But with girls, I don't feel uncomfortable with that thought at all. Also with this girl that I mentioned before, she is pretty touchy, and I actually don't mind it. In fact, I like it.

I wonder if I feel uncomfortable getting to close to men because of that underlying assumption that all men are sexual and have sexual intentions? I don't know D:

[That asexual guy]

But I do wonder if one needs the actual experience of being physically intimate with another male or female to really know if they're asexual or not.

Not everyone. I think that's like telling a straight guy he needs to have sex with another guy to see if he's really straight. But having said that I think for some people they might have to. I did with both sexes. I'm confirmed asexual. But I don't recommend it. I did it before I knew what asexuality was. It was not pleasant and it was embarrassing. I will say I have a friend who made an offensive comment like "well you know for sure then" which actually rubbed me wrong. So I did say when she had sex with a woman she would know for sure herself. She thought her comment to me was justified but didn't think I had the right to say the same thing back to her.

[magazine-smiles]

I'm kinda floored reading this subject because I was honestly thinking about this exact thing yesterday. I believe what has helped me is the fact that I have had both boyfriends and girlfriends. I realized I was just more comfortable with women than I ever have been with men. And by comfortable, I mean emotionally & mentally mostly (since I'm fairly aro.) Plus, aesthetically, I adore women. I can't say the same for the opposite sex. It's just been little things for me...personal preferences.

The thing is, I am visually attracted to both men and women. I can imagine myself holding hands with a guy, cuddling him etc. I could imagine dating him. But I will get VERY uncomfortable with the thought that of being intimate with him, even if we're just cuddling and if his hands start to wander. But with girls, I don't feel uncomfortable with that thought at all. Also with this girl that I mentioned before, she is pretty touchy, and I actually don't mind it. In fact, I like it.

I wonder if I feel uncomfortable getting to close to men because of that underlying assumption that all men are sexual and have sexual intentions? I don't know D:

I can totally understand that as well, because I have similar experiences and a similar mindset. With my boyfriends, I enjoyed their company. You know, I dated them because I wanted to spend more time with them. haha But I became very uncomfortable as time went on, and they rushed into more sexual things. It would be unfair of me to say women don't do this either, I just haven't experienced it (to the same degree and intensity) personally.

In any event, you can still be biromantic if you wish to identify as such. :) You can definitely have a clear preference too. I know now that I wouldn't enjoy a relationship with a man. It wouldn't make me the happiest. I just wouldn't question your feelings TOO much. Continue to go with what you're the most comfortable with, and to me that sounds like you definitely would want to be with a woman.

[KendraPM]

Sort of. I'm physically (aesthetically) attracted to women with the occassional man, but I had my first crush at a very young age and it was on a boy. So I always knew I liked dating men, but I spent a long time wondering if I was more physically attractedt to women. But then when I'd think about sex, neither souded appealing, but I could see how having sex with a man would be...easier, I guess, so I figured I was heteroflexible or something. Then I developed a crush on a girl in junior high and decided I was bi with a preference for men. Once I became sexual, I found sex with a women to be slightly better than sex with a man, but not enough to really make me want to date women exclusively. Plus, my feelings for women never stuck around. I did a lot of questioning on my romantic orientation than anything before I finally realized I was defining sexual attraction wrong and that no, people were not exaggerating when they talked about how much they wanted to sex or to sleep with specific people, etc. After that, I realized I wasn't bi like I'd always thought, but rather ace.

[Peachyy]

I had a friend in middle school who suggested that I was lesbian because i told her that "boys make me uncomfortable" and I was referring to how I didn't like the way hetero men were acting around me---but I half believed her because up until age 12-ish, i assumed that heterosexuality was the default and everything else was out-of-the-norm. If I didn't enjoy being around guys, then I must have been into women (I had no idea about any of the other sexual orientations). Wasn't true though, because as it tuned out, I was disinterested in men & women equally. It just appears that hetero men were more invasive than homo women, and it was the sexual advancement I didn't like (I would have felt the same discomfort around women if they acted the way those select men had). My romantic orientation also later explained the rest of what I had been feeling.

but yeah.... for about 1 week I thought I was homosexual.

[That asexual guy]

For some of us older guys, gay characters were portrayed in a very asexual way in the early days. They were usually just single men who didn't date women and were interested in other things. The mass portrayal of gay sexuality came later. If you were growing up in the early days it would be easy to relate to one of these gay characters, way more than now days, and you may have thought you could be gay.

[Riverstar]

For years I couldn't tell the difference between romantic and sexual attraction, so I was convinced I was bi/pan, then I asked myself "well, who would you have sex with" and I realised that the answer to that was "no one". Still trying to figure out my romantic attraction

[Fjording]

This kinda struck home for me, sure don't envy your dilemma :/ Had a similar experience myself, as in I had a couple of reluctant intimate encounters with guys. I wanted to want it, but that wasn’t enough and it never ended well. I couldn’t figure out what was wrong until I fell for a girl. I though I’d solved a riddle or something. Being with her was wonderful, until we got intimate and it wasn't for me. Back to square one. Figuring out I was ace was years ahead, but even then I knew that my attraction to these people had nothing to do with sex. I wanted to please them and be with them, and frankly cuddle the hell outta them - and I went out of my comfort zone hoping to find something that wasn’t there.

From what you write, I get the impression you have a stronger romantic attraction to this girl than you’ve ever felt for anyone else before. Might be because she’s a girl, might be because she’s just special. It also seems you are more inclined to be sensually comfortable with a girl, reasons for which could be inclination but also other things like a sense of safety. Romantic attraction can be powerful enough to make you wonder, I get that, even though you don't really think of her in a sexual way. And your experience might very well be different - maybe you do need to try it in order to know for sure, you gotta decide that one. Just, don’t feel like you have to, don’t force yourself.

[marauders]

When I was a teenager (maybe around fifteen or sixteen?), I came out to my mom as bisexual. At the time, I did not really realize that there was a difference between sexual attraction and romantic attraction. I realized nearly a decade later, through many mishaps and one catastrophe of a relationship, that I was actually biromantic and asexual.

[proud_of_me]

in 8th grade, my 2 best friends came out as bisexual and homosexual, respectively. i had dated guys but hadn't really been interested in them, and i wasn't really interested in girls. i didn't know this was asexuality though, so i labeled myself pansexual and went on with life. this year i dated a girl and realized i was sex-repulsed and asexual/panromantic. i don't know if that counts as thinking i was gay, but i was definitely wrong about myself xP

[Skycaptain]

Particularly before learning about asexuality I can understand why people could ask themselves " if I'm not heterosexual am I homosexual? ", that there are other alternative orientations may be something they're not aware of until later. For others it's, not heterosexual, not homosexual, what else can I be?

The lucky ones are aware that there is a null option early in life

[ElleW]

I've identified as ace for about 2 years now. I'm definitely not sexually attracted to males, and I don't think I'm sexually attracted to females? I do find females more aesthetically pleasing than males, but I'm married to a male and don't plan on exploring anything with females to find out for sure.

[DannyFenton123]

I thought I was bi for a time :P

[Diamond Dust]

I've considered the thought of being bisexual or gay because I find lots of people the same sex as me adorable! x3

However, learning the difference between being interested in a person sexually and aesthetically made me come to the conclusion I was asexual. ^^

[booksoversex]

Sure have, but not really, because I know I'm not attracted to women in any other way than aesthethic (some women are so beautiful, I could stare at them smiling forever and be happy). I suggested to a friend of mine that I thought I might be lesbian because I wasn't really that interested in guys, but that the thought of being with a woman was weird; and she (she is in a relationship with a girl now) told me she'd felt the same. She basically pushed herself to have sex with a woman just to try it while she was figuring herself out, and all through it she kept thinking "this is weird, this is weird, this is weird"... But she began liking it and fell in love. I guess it's possible. She says she didn't really realize she was lesbian because she hadn't had major crushes on girls/she hadn't found it a natural thing to think of girls that way. It's possible I would've gotten the same epiphany as she had, so I have considered trying it. But I don't really want to at the same time, something's stopping me. Making out with a woman can be okay, but never really wanted to go further than that and always just saw women platonically.

[xSkylar]

Sure have, but not really, because I know I'm not attracted to women in any other way than aesthethic (some women are so beautiful, I could stare at them smiling forever and be happy). I suggested to a friend of mine that I thought I might be lesbian because I wasn't really that interested in guys, but that the thought of being with a woman was weird; and she (she is in a relationship with a girl now) told me she'd felt the same. She basically pushed herself to have sex with a woman just to try it while she was figuring herself out, and all through it she kept thinking "this is weird, this is weird, this is weird"... But she began liking it and fell in love. I guess it's possible. She says she didn't really realize she was lesbian because she hadn't had major crushes on girls/she hadn't found it a natural thing to think of girls that way. It's possible I would've gotten the same epiphany as she had, so I have considered trying it. But I don't really want to at the same time, something's stopping me. Making out with a woman can be okay, but never really wanted to go further than that and always just saw women platonically.

Same here. I can't even think about having sex with a woman, but I can imagine being with one romantically. Though people say that it changes after you actually have sex so I don't know...

But also, I think that personally, I don't look at a person and see them as that gender. If I like a guy, it's because I like that particular person, who happens to be male gendered. If I like a girl, it's because I like that particular person, who happens to be female gendered. I find that gender really doesn't matter to me in terms of romantic attraction. But if it has to boil down to sexual attraction, I have absolutely none for men (almost a sex repulsion) and for some reason less of an aversion for women. Cue chaotic identity crisis x___x

[Nea Rose Symphony]

I have not experienced the opposite. I've always thought I was straight. But it turns out I'm gray-hetero ace. In middle school there was a rumor going around that I was lesbian even though I don't swing that way ever. Even now, a friend I know from high school told me one of her friend's boyfriend thought I was lesbian (but it may have been somebody else he saw).

[Guest]

Personally I floated around back and forth between thinking I was gay and thinking I was straight. I knew I wasn't attracted to men and according to society by default I should be lesbian. So then I considered being a lesbian: sure girls are prettier, but am I attracted to them? No....So I don't think I' gay, because you know you're gay if you are right? So then I went back to thinking I was straight, because if you're not gay then you must be straight, Lauren. Still no attraction, therefore I must be an emotionally defective human right? Nope, tears still intact....huh.....maybe bisexual as in equally (NOT) attracted to "both" genders?.....but that would require being attracted to someone in the first place.......

So yeah, that though process kept going in circles for a couple years :P now I'm pretty positive I'm aro-ace.

[OldAceGuy]

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