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I'm sure there are so many topics like this out there but...I am very confused about my sexuality-or-potentially-lack-there-of and I was hoping people in this community could help me?

I figure the only way I'm going to work this out is if I'm really upfront and honest about things, so here goes I guess! (Sorry for the rambling!)

1. I know I can at least find both men and women aesthetically pleasing.

2. I think I have had crushes maybe three or four times in my life, but never personally acted on them and they mostly dissipated at a later date.

3. I have never had any real interest in dating specific people or 'fancied' celebrities. The idea of fixating on someone like that is completely bizarre to me. I do not understand how an aesthetically pleasing feature translates to being 'sexy'.

4. I have previously had a long-term boyfriend and sometimes enjoyed sex, but generally find it very hard to 'orgasm'. I find the idea of genitals a bit gross.

5. I do enjoy masturbation on-and-off but I find it nearly impossible to think about a particular person while doing so, or to imagine being with that person myself.

6. I do sometimes experience some form of sexual desire I think, but it pretty much always has to be triggered by prolonged intimacy (cuddling for eg) or by (embarrassing as it is to admit) reading a lot of fanfiction. I have out of curiosity looked up visual porn but it doesn't seem to have any effect on me. In the case of reading fanfiction, I am usually thinking about the characters involved with each other and not about myself.

7. Any desire I have to engage in masturbation or sex is incredibly sporadic and erratic. Even if I am in a period of time when I feel aroused, it is generally easy for me to ignore it. After breaking up with my long-term boyfriend, I went well over a year without any kind of sex and only occasional masturbation and was not in any way bothered by it.

(I think my ex was pretty perplexed by my unpredictable sex drive. He had a high sex drive but I would go for periods of weeks with no desire for sex whatsoever, with occasional short intense bursts.)

8. I recently started dating a new guy. We really clicked and I enjoy spending time with him, talking to him, cuddling with him and also some kissing, but find I'm not all that motivated to take things further. I don't mind, and will enjoy it to a certain extent, but I don't feel like I'm sexual attracted to him physically, or to anybody else really, although I enjoy being physically close with someone.

9. Kissing is weird. If I'm not in the 'right' frame of mind it just feels odd. It's also not an automatic jumping off point to sexual arousal for me, even if I do sometimes enjoy it.

Sometimes something might turn me on, but other times it does absolutely nothing or I find it uncomfortable. Sometimes I might feel like I really want to have sex but then find I don't enjoy the actual act. Sometimes I love cuddling and other times I don't want anyone to touch me anywhere at all!

I am thoroughly confused by the inconsistency of my own feelings and desires and don't know if I can class myself as asexual, sexual, or if there is some sort of in-between definition?!! I just want a way to understand why I feel the way I do.

Does anybody have any useful advice for me?!?!?

Sincerely,

Erratic.

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I define "asexuality" as "no innate desire for partnered sex." Basically, an "asexual" person isn't drawn towards sexual interaction with others. Beyond that, it varies from person to person, regardless of sexual orientation.

With that said, it's up to you to decide what your sexual orientation is and how you want to identify. I wish you the best as you figure it out!

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Distant Admiration

Hi there!

All of what you feel is normal, and some of it are even things sexual people feel, especially women. Do keep in mind that we're all unique and asexuality is not a binary state, just a helpful term for someone who has no desire for sexual intercourse with another person.

Point #4 especially is very common, and most people find genitals aesthetically displeasing.

Finding fanfiction romantic (or even erotic to some extent) is nothing unusual either. Especially given how emotionally driven a lot of them are, with characters and settings you can relate and fantasize with.

Only you can know if the label 'asexual' is a correct one for you. The label can be temporary, as in you can be asexual one year, and sexual the next. Only you dictate the labels you feel apply for you :)

Additionally, as you asked: There is something in between, called "Gray" or "Gray-A" it sounds as if something that would fit you

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Autumn Season

I define "asexuality" as "no innate desire for partnered sex." Basically, an "asexual" person isn't drawn towards sexual interaction with others. Beyond that, it varies from person to person, regardless of sexual orientation.

^ This.

Additionally, as you asked: There is something in between, called "Gray" or "Gray-A" it sounds as if something that would fit you

^ And this.

I once heard of the term "burstsexual": A person who rarely experiences sexual attraction/ desire for partnered sex and this desire is pretty much unpredictable. Then again I don't find this term to be very useful. I recommend the identity grey-(a)sexual. This is for everyone who sometimes feels sexual, but not often enough to consider themselves fully sexual/ as sexual as most people.

4. I have previously had a long-term boyfriend and sometimes enjoyed sex, but generally find it very hard to 'orgasm'. I find the idea of genitals a bit gross.

6. I do sometimes experience some form of sexual desire I think, but it pretty much always has to be triggered by prolonged intimacy (cuddling for eg) or by (embarrassing as it is to admit) reading a lot of fanfiction. I have out of curiosity looked up visual porn but it doesn't seem to have any effect on me. In the case of reading fanfiction, I am usually thinking about the characters involved with each other and not about myself.

7. Any desire I have to engage in masturbation or sex is incredibly sporadic and erratic. Even if I am in a period of time when I feel aroused, it is generally easy for me to ignore it. After breaking up with my long-term boyfriend, I went well over a year without any kind of sex and only occasional masturbation and was not in any way bothered by it.

(I think my ex was pretty perplexed by my unpredictable sex drive. He had a high sex drive but I would go for periods of weeks with no desire for sex whatsoever, with occasional short intense bursts.)

Sometimes something might turn me on, but other times it does absolutely nothing or I find it uncomfortable. Sometimes I might feel like I really want to have sex but then find I don't enjoy the actual act. Sometimes I love cuddling and other times I don't want anyone to touch me anywhere at all!

The phrases in bold indicate that you might sometimes experience desire for partnered sex, while everything else makes you sound asexual. This is why grey-a sounds like a fitting identity. (Some asexuals can also enjoy sex for various reasons, but they usually prefer a sexless relationship.)

You might want to think about what kind of relationship you would like for yourself. Once you are clear about this, it is only fair to tell your partner about it.

Finally I would like to offer you a piece of cake. ^^

Kuchen-k7.jpg

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Thank you for the advice! :)

I have come across the term Gray-A before I think, but wasn't sure what it meant. At the moment Gray does seem to describe me best, although I'm going to do some googling about Burstsexual now too

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I totally read that as burt-sexual and the thing that came to mind was being sexually attracted to Burt Reynolds. I'm tired, I dunno.

It sounds like you are getting things figured out, so I'm happy for you. :)

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Kissing isn't for everyone.

You just seem to say you want to cuddle with your partner, but do you actually feel romantically about the person/have romantic attraction?

Sexual arousal, sexual attraction, and sexual desire are all different things. Typically together, yes, but getting sexually aroused doesn't automatically mean sexual desire is there too.

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Kissing isn't for everyone.

You just seem to say you want to cuddle with your partner, but do you actually feel romantically about the person/have romantic attraction?

Sexual arousal, sexual attraction, and sexual desire are all different things. Typically together, yes, but getting sexually aroused doesn't automatically mean sexual desire is there too.

Oh god, somehow I hadn't even thought to examine how I fall on the romantic side of things! :/

Despite having been in a 3 year relationship previously, I'm pretty much convinced I've never been in love before. The guy I'm seeing now, I've only been dating for a couple of months. I'm really not sure how a person is meant to tell if they're in love or not, or what 'romantic feelings' feel like?!?! I like spending time with him, but it's not like I'm always thinking about him or anything. :s

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pretty much all of what you said are things that I also sometimes do or don't experience. I'd like to have a label try and understand and define who i am and what I experience, but even then under those labels there is so so much difference that occurs between individual people.. so it's really confusing.

Good luck in your journey :)

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"You're too young to determine your sexuality" said no one ever to the heterosexual person

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Having a crush/romantic attraction and being in love (which developes later) are two different things.

I'll just leave a full list of attractions.

There are 6 types of attraction. They're all typically felt with romantic attraction (and why there can be confusion between attractions) but they aren't needed to make it valid. Other than romantic attraction, obviously, they can all be felt platonically, separately, and in different combinations. The desire to act in a certain way can also be separate from the attraction (e.g. sexual attraction with no desire to act on it, or no sexual attraction with a desire for sex). That is, if the attraction has an action to pair itself with; i.e. sexual, romantic, sensual, and platonic attraction. But the two are typically together, which is why the aforementioned examples being someones norm is under the Gray umbrella.

· Sexual attraction - the impulse/urge/compulsion to have sex with a specific person; to do genital involving things to their body.

· Romantic attraction - an emotion; so it doesn't translate well into words, but it can be inadequately put as soft/warm/fuzzy feelings with some degree of fixation (at least in comparison to one's normality with others). Some people have a physical reaction to the feeling and others don’t (i.e. butterflies in their stomach, heart rate increase [though those are also symptoms of platonic nervousness], dreamy mindset, anxious euphoria, infatuation, etc.).

· Aesthetic attraction - the pull to look at someone because of their looks and or mannerisms. It's different from recognizing good looks/what is aesthetically pleasing.

· Emotional attraction - the fixation on someone because of their emotions (their optimism, stoicness, etc.), and by extent personality. I would compare it to having a favorite character or admirance.

· Sensual attraction - the urge to have non-genital physical contact. Platonically displaying this above the norm qualifies as a type of queerplatonic relationship (QPR). I would compare it to how many people have the urge to act toward their pets. Though this term is typically applied to other humans. There are 3 forms of sensual attraction; platonic, romantic (which only differ by chaste kissing), and sexual (in the sense that it’s done for sexual arousal, not because it includes sex/genital contact --and it’s still under asexuality as a kink).

· Platonic attraction - (aka a squish; a play on the romantic word crush) the strong urge to know or befriend someone.

· And it's possible to find someone charming without romantic attraction. (look up charming's definition/synonyms for further clarification)

· It's also possible to have queerplatonic feelings for someone; to emotionally feel platonic but have the characteristic(s) associated with a romantic relationship. It can be an importance/closeness stronger than the best friend norm, displaying platonic sensual attraction above the norm (only differing from romantic sensual attraction with chaste kissing, although preferring chaste kissing or no kissing does not make one’s feelings unromantic), friends with sexual or make out benefits, romantically pleasing someone they platonically love (QP to one and romantic to the other, although it's their decision on what they call the relationship), or any combination of those. They may or may not have monogamy, live together, have kids, or look like a couple to the public. Romantics and Aromantics can have QPRs.

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  • 1 year later...

I realise this was two years ago now but I just wanted to say thanks to everyone I didn't directly respond to. You were very helpful and I'm a little clearer about where I stand on things now. I'm no longer seeing that guy and have been happily single and uninvolved for a year and a half now. pretty much certain I'm ace at this point for a few reasons, and starting to veer towards aro too. Star Bits' list was helpful. I would say at the moment I probably some exhibit aesthetic and platonic attraction, possibly emotional and sensual, but not sexual or romantic. I believe I had been confusing those 4 for the other 2 haha!

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