Why is it hard for many people to find a relationship?

[The_Halfmoon]

in my experience, every woman who's interested in me (whether attractive or not), I am not interested in

and any woman I'm interested in, is not attracted to me.

The couple of times where there actually WAS mutual attraction, we broke up over insignificant problems... The COUPLE of times where there WAS mutual attraction, AND we stayed together for at least a year, it was a nightmare where I hated them and I'm sure they hated me.

so basically like most people say, just because you WANT a relationship doesn't mean you are ready to actually have a real relationship with all the good and the bad that comes with it. When I say I want a relationship it simply means I want someone to watch a movie with and cuddle with on a couch.

Are there prostitutes that aren't for sex, but just come over and watch Netflix with you, laugh at your silly jokes, talk to you in a baby voice, then leave?

Because I'd be in for that if it was reasonably priced

[Frigid Pink]

I meant it like this (excerpt from website):

3. Relationships are not a 50/50 partnership – they’re 100/100 because if you do anything less, not only will you not be authentic but you’ll be thinking about things in terms of your ‘share’ and your cut and anything less than full effort is subjective.

Mmmm, I agree when it comes to commitment and priority... but the statement lends itself to interpretation, do you know if she's written more in detail on that?

No, actually, I don't, however, I'll keep on the look-out for any new articles or posts about it. Comments are allowed on the site, so, a comment with a question to elaborate is an option, too.

[UncommonNonsense]

I've always found relationships difficult...

I suspect there's a lot of reasons why, and one of the reasons is that I'm not always sure I want a relationship. I'm a solitary person who needs a lot of alone time, since I'm autistic. I may really like/love a person, but I can't be with them all the time without going wiggy and getting overwhelmed. If I have come home from work, I need that time to be people-free to recharge my social batteries. It takes me at least 4 hours to get myself back to 'baseline' after having to be social at work, and I need to be alone during that time. I literally need to recover. I can't just come home from work and be a good relationship partner. I'm also very used to being on my own and making my own decisions. My Mum lives with me now that she has gotten more frail, and for the first year or so, we locked horns constantly simply because we were both set in our own ways. Living with someone else after being on my own for so long was very difficult, especially since we're both strong personalities.

I'm also kind of... well.. complicated (and I kind of suspect that most asexual people are). In addition to being ace, I'm also agender.. I present as a rather 'butch' female, since I wear only mens' clothes, don't fuss over my hair, don't wear cosmetics, and actively try to appear more gender-neutral. I'm also not the physical type that is considered attractive by most of society. I'm rather short, and I'm a plus-sized person. I am also rather plain of face.. I like some aspects of my face, but the features don't combine to make an harmonious whole that fits society's increasingly narrow view of attractiveness. Also, as I get older, the more I suspect that I may be edging toward aromantic, despite identifying as heteroromantic for most of the last 8 or so years. So I'm not even sure I **want** a romantic relationship.. the kind or relationship that really feels appealing is the kind where I end up living with my best friend ever, with no romantic/sexual expectations/demands at all.

And yeah... I *am* picky. I won't accept certain things just for the sake of being in a relationship that I'm not really sure I want anyway. I do have some dealbreakers.. the big things are that the person can't be closed-minded, illogical, narrow, hateful, dishonest, controlling, pushy (especially about sex), anti-feminist/anti-choice, rude, lacking compassion, cruel to animals and disadvantaged people, and overly conformist. I have to be able to trust the person, so I also draw the line at frequent alcohol use/drinking to the point of drunkenness, hard drugs like methamphetamine and crack, and criminality. And given my history with losing my father in a very painful, horrible way to lung cancer, I just can't date someone who smokes (plus I dislike the stink that cigarette smoke leaves on people's skin, hair, clothing, and breath). Other stuff, I can be flexible about... it doesn't bother me if the person doesn't have the same tastes as I do, whether they're neat or messy (clutter doesn't bug me, but dirt does), whether they're outgoing or not, etc. And some stuff, like social class/income and appearance don't even register on me at all.

Relationships are just a lot harder to navigate when you're outside the generally established concept of 'typical'. And the further you stray from conforming to the narrow social ideal, the harder it will be for you to find someone you are really compatible with and can end up loving.

[Hardly any]

I have standards that I want to be met, so that's Normal Person Obstacle 1. Not unreasonable ones for the most part. Employed, working towards goals rather than being stagnant. However meeting people who will walk 4 miles with me on a whim is difficult. I'm a huge nerd too, but I mean it when I say "long walks".

The other obstacle is of course being terrified that a person I'm dating will want to have sex with me.

If I hadn't decided that it's worth it to find what you want instead of settling for the first nice person who is willing to give you the time of day, well it'd be easier to get into a relationship.

[borealmist]

Interesting, I didn't even know there were studies like these. I'll just trust you on the meaning of the statistics here. It really makes me wonder though, why a household needs more work per person when there is one more person.

It is very interesting yes. It's consistent over most life situations as well it seems.

My personal suspicion is that they raise the bar and aim for a higher standard than they did alone. As long as they're doing it for themselves and each other then I think it's a good thing, the relationship is making them both better in some way they appreciate. But too often I think it's done to provide a social status facade towards friends and family, and if that's leading to stress and friction in the relationship, then it's one of those corrosive things that can break both relationships and the people in them.

[MystiqueSister]

I feel more alone in a relationship than on my own.

[El-not-so-ace]

I know exactly what I want and I didn't want to be like those that waste their time on people that they know they're not compatible with in the long term. For me, if I don't see a long term potential or a minimal amount of attraction, why should I get their hopes up when I could just hang out with my friends or pets instead? Then that random guy might want to get close and whatnot... I'd rather not be the reason for any bad feelings for them and I feel very responsible for any of my decisions.

So, in addition to the fact that I have very little attraction to people, am picky with what I want (I'd rather be alone than in those countless bad relationships people seem to get into)... I also am a bit anxious about getting hurt or someone trying to get too close too fast. To be honest though, I feel free to then pursue anyone I truly like instead of having to finish a relationship with the last incompatible person because I feel sorry for them and missing out whom I'd really like to be with instead. :P Simple, really.

[breadsalad]

Finding someone to be in a relationship with is the most difficult thing for me.

I've not been able to be with someone since my ex-boyfriend, every time I meet a potential guy, I compare him to my ex and as a result I end up believing hi is not good enough for me. Also, I think I'm lithromantic. The last guy I tried to be in a relationship with, ended up making me feel disgusted because he developed romantic feelings way too soon and he also found me attractive which means he wanted to have sex with me and the idea of someone thinking about me in a sexual manner is simply repulsive.

I don't know why that didn't happen with my ex and I think nowadays he is the only person I could be with but we are an ocean apart.

One time I liked this guy (the only guy i've liked besides my ex), we were compatible and I found him attractive but I never acted upon my desires so he never knew I liked him and now he's got a girlfriend.

[Znkyou]

Are there prostitutes that aren't for sex, but just come over and watch Netflix with you, laugh at your silly jokes, talk to you in a baby voice, then leave?

Because I'd be in for that if it was reasonably priced

YES. The popular term for them is 'cuddlesluts'. It's not a very common thing overall, but in the US and Canada it shouldn't be too hard to find one. I'm in the same boat as you.. Inside I know that I'm not cut out for a normal relationship in the long run. I just want someone (like a cuddle buddy) who I can be intimate with without worrying about any misunderstandings. Not sure why it's so hard to just find a regular female friend I can cuddle with... Somehow I attract all the super heterosexual people who only want to cuddle with their boyfriends/husbands ugh. -_- I'm in a mood, I should probably stop typing heh.

By the way, regular prostitutes would probably do the same for you.

[Znkyou]

And yeah... I *am* picky. I won't accept certain things just for the sake of being in a relationship that I'm not really sure I want anyway. I do have some dealbreakers.. the big things are that the person can't be closed-minded, illogical, narrow, hateful, dishonest, controlling, pushy (especially about sex), anti-feminist/anti-choice, rude, lacking compassion, cruel to animals and disadvantaged people, and overly conformist. I have to be able to trust the person, so I also draw the line at frequent alcohol use/drinking to the point of drunkenness, hard drugs like methamphetamine and crack, and criminality. And given my history with losing my father in a very painful, horrible way to lung cancer, I just can't date someone who smokes (plus I dislike the stink that cigarette smoke leaves on people's skin, hair, clothing, and breath). Other stuff, I can be flexible about... it doesn't bother me if the person doesn't have the same tastes as I do, whether they're neat or messy (clutter doesn't bug me, but dirt does), whether they're outgoing or not, etc. And some stuff, like social class/income and appearance don't even register on me at all.

Relationships are just a lot harder to navigate when you're outside the generally established concept of 'typical'. And the further you stray from conforming to the narrow social ideal, the harder it will be for you to find someone you are really compatible with and can end up loving.

I also can't compromise with the things you mention, and it surprises me how many people either 1) don't care about one or many things on that list, or 2) care, but are still willing to compromise! Why?!!!

[.diva plavalaguna.]

I'm not good enough and nobody wants to deal with that.

If you're good enough for you, then that's what matters most. I wouldn't depend on others to validate my self worth. It's difficult, and I think most of us probably struggle with this to some extent, however, it's our own view of ourselves that makes the difference as we tend to search for things in the external world to confirm whatever views we have of ourselves, so, better to make those views positive or actively work towards that.

Well, I'm not even good enough for myself. Not now, anyway. I like some things about me but there are still lots of things I don't like. I don't think that I depend on other people so much as I'm disappointed that other people can't seem to find anything particularly likable about me. I don't know how much the average person can pick up about how I feel about myself if they don't even acknowledge my existence/talk to me/interact with me in some way.

To be honest I'm kinda giving up. I don't know if anything will happen, even if I become prettiful and actually go out more often (by myself...I like to do solo outings, actually). And even if I met someone, I'd get freaked out because I can't handle someone I don't know asking for my number. I don't want to call them or talk on the phone and I certainly don't want them blowing up my texts...can you see how fucking stupid that is??? Oh god!

I don't think it's stupid because I'm the same. xD I used to beg my partner not to call me so often on my phone. I felt sorry for them, because it was a way for them to express their feelings, but phone calls - in particular the time before picking up the ringing phone - are really stressful for me.

And don't get me started on texting. xD I'm this horrible person who ignores their messages for a whole week or longer.

But for some reason I'm OK with talking on the phone for hours. Only picking up the phone is bad. And there are way too many people who love to call for a short time, but frequently. "Hey, how are you doing? I just wanted to hear your voice! Bye!" Grraaah! "Hey, I couldn't send this email, but now I figured out how to do it so I don't really need your help anymore!" Graaaaah! "Hey, how are you doing? I heard you're coming over tomorrow! So will I see you tomorrow?" Yes! Yes you will! Did you really need to call me for this nonsense? *resigned sigh*

And I enjoy chatting, as long as I don't need to wait too long for a reply. So texting is bad, but chatting is OK.

I found that it's easier to find nice people and contact them, than to get approached. This is why dating sites work for me. Maybe they would for you, too?

I really hate Caller ID for this stressful "before picking up the phone" time sometimes! XD If I know who it is that's calling and it's not an immediate member of my family I'm usually very hesitant to answer. I will sit there and think about why they are calling, and if someone else is home I will definitely hold out on answering until one of them comes to get it. LOL usually it takes me some time to reply back to someone. If I feel like they might try to drag me into a long texting conversation I might ignore the message until it's a bit later. Especially if it's just for small talk.

I can't do the phone for hours, though. I haven't needed to too much recently, but I've started coming up with excuses because it literally hurts to be stuck on the phone for too long. The inside of my arm just starts hurting really bad, not to mention I'm not able to split my attention well so I kinda have to just sit there on the phone which is really annoying. I never mastered that "hold the phone between your head and shoulder" thing either. Lol those are definitely some annoying calls >.< In the past I would chat with certain groups of people off and on for hours. It was nicest when we were all doing something together but it has changed now and I just don't seem to have the patience for that, either.

Mm, I dunno...I tried acebook but it was kind of boring tbh. And I'm highly uncomfortable with putting up a pic of myself, which pretty much seems necessary on the "normal" dating sites. A lot of people make judgments based on looks first....The past couple people I had managed to get anywhere with I did meet online, and I approached both of them first I believe. But none of that worked out and I guess I'd have to say it has definitely kinda turned me off. But it seems like you and Sally are on to something, about us doing the approaching. Except now I'm too discouraged to do it.

[Autumn Season]

x

[Anime Pancake]

Everyone thanks for the comments, I'm still reading them!

I'm not sure what exactly does it, but... What I can think about.. is :

1. It depends on how "flexible" you are, if you are looking for a particular person or a variety of posibilities...so, it is more difficult to find someone that you are looking for particularely.
2. it depends also on how much sociable you are, how much do you look for what you want, how much time spends knowing people, chatting, talking, etc..

So I don't know, another thing could be the feeling of self confidence or not that ones has, how much do you open your heart, and we now that for MANY PEOPLE it is more difficult to do this at first. So when you are looking for someone specialy, the appearence may be confusing you, because you dont really know the person, but we judge for appearence many times.

Do you really want a relationship?
Why do you want a relationship?.

PD: I'm from Argentina, sorry if I have grammar mistakes! Nice question by the way, I think it is something true!.. see ya!

Hey thanks for your comment!

I agree with you, I think it has to do with if someone is looking for something particular or not.

That's true, because there are a lot of people that I'm glad to be friends with, but I wouldn't be in a relationship with them.

For me, when people ask why I want to be in a relationship, it's basically because I like having someone I can spend time with and relate to. Being friends with people is great, but people get busy a lot, so I'm alone a lot of the time.

I'm a really social person, so spending time with people makes me happy. If I don't have people to be around, then I'm usually not really happy lol

So I like having friends, but having a person that I can talk to regularly, someone that considers me more than the average friend is probably ideal for me and what I prefer.

Thanks again :)

[sindi]

Maybe nowadays romantic relationships are made out to be so complicated, in everything from magazines to soap operas, that people become overly picky, just making lists what their perfect partner would be like, and miss the ones they actually have chemistry with?

[N'Pol]

Finding someone for me to even consider being in a relationship with, is getting harder and harder because of not only my asexuality, but because i do not want to have children, ever. And no, i won't change my mind. The older i get, the more i am sure of it. Most men run away as soon as i mention that. I've been in 4 relationships, all lasting quite a few years, almost every one of them ended because of that reason.

That's it. :)

[Salted Karamel]

Being a demisexual who has experienced sexual attraction before, and who knows what it’s like to have fulfillment of that sexual attraction and be with someone who you not only have romantic feelings for but also want to have a sexual relationship with, I want that. But being demisexual…finding that is pretty much like finding life on other planets while factoring in the Drake Equation.

I could possibly compromise and settle down in a sex-free relationship with someone I’m not sexually attracted to, since 99% of the time I would not miss it—and the idea of a sex-free relationship certainly has its own allure, the most prominent of which being lack of stress of needing to sexually compromise with someone I am not sexually attracted to—but would that make me happy forever? I don’t know. Maybe that 1% would kick in and I would always feel like I was missing out, like I had chosen wrongly, and I would become distant and resentful. It’s happened before, with my last “compromise” relationship (which was with a sexual and also sexless, so I daresay neither of us was happy).

When it comes down to it, I think any man who is attracted to me is going to put me off because of the pressure to have sex, and anyone who is not attracted to me is going to put me off because of the 0% possibility of ever having sex. And also, they’re not into me, so that’s a moot point. I don’t come around to liking or being physically attracted to someone until I’ve known them for a while, and generally, by then, guys have just accepted that we’re only going to be friends or acquaintances because there’s been no “chemistry” already.

And then I also echo all the “introvert problems” mentioned above, with not meeting new people, not knowing how to talk to new people, needing lots of alone time, etc. I've been lowkey shamed even by my coworkers and roommates for preferring to spend most of my time alone and indoors rather than going out and partying. I'm old enough that I just kind of roll my eyes at their closed-mindedness, but I tend to expect the majority of other people are always going to see being an introverted homebody as a very undesirable trait.

[RK800]

For others? I suppose the reasons vary. Far too lazy to go in depth with an explanation.

For me? Probably because I dislike everyone.

[gekkosan]

Well, for me it's a deadly combination of being both asexual and severely asocial. So I'm looking for a partner that is similarly asocial, because that's probably the only way it could ever work. Those who are somewhat introverted and asocial are rather off put by the severity of my asocial behavior. But I have found on this very site that such people have found each other and created a meaningful, loving relationships, so I'm not ready to give up just yet.

[Prufrock, but like, worse]

Because I am hideous.

[Xavy]

But recently I've noticed on the internet that there are hundreds of people that seem to be lonely and not in a relationship like they would like to be.

TBH, I would expect that people who are in relationships would naturally spend less time on the Internet.

Relationships confuse me.

[idekrncidc231]

I know my problem is most likely 3 to 4 things. I'm cold to strangers (unless I have to be friendly for work), either I'm tsundere to people who get close to me or I baby then....and then there is how wishy washy I am on what I like. I tend to flux a lot. One minute I like shy girly effiminate guys, then I'll like charming time, then I'll like silly flirty types but even that isn't really the BIG issue as I do not mind any of those types at anytime it's really more of just finding someone who isn't so pushy and sexual. I hate that. I really want to find someone who is kind to me and will just let me hold them and baby them, but will also want to hold and baby me. Never cheat as I know I never will as I am faithful and loyal and monogamous. I tend to push people awat though because I'm very pessimistic and I keep doubting if I can actually make anyone happy. People can see my scowl and crossed arms and that is off-putting I'm sure. But I really don't want another sexual in my life. Also, I am still figuring out things in my life such as being genderless... So... Meh *shrug*

[Kimmie.]

I would like to find a partner somehow but thing is that i am somewhat shy plus the thing that i dont really drink and i have speaking disorder( stutter and fast speaking)

And in my head if you dosent drink then you have nothing to do at a bar/club becuse it is a business that exists to make money and me and me being there will just cost them money. I know it is stupid to think like that but try get my brain to get it is somthing else.

Plus what i understand from people/radio/tv and more is that sex on the first date is practically a norm. And to find a girl/women in my town that is kinda small that have the same lack of interest in sex as seems kind of impossible.

But i wouldn't be surprised if this all excuses for my shyness that my brain makes up.

One thing though i can speak to girls after some time when i have warmed up.

I do get that i may sound whining in this.

[Frigid Pink]

And in my head if you dosent drink then you have nothing to do at a bar/club becuse it is a business that exists to make money and me and me being there will just cost them money. I know it is stupid to think like that but try get my brain to get it is somthing else.

Plus what i understand from people/radio/tv and more is that sex on the first date is practically a norm. And to find a girl/women in my town that is kinda small that have the same lack of interest in sex as seems kind of impossible.

I don't (and didn't) drink alcohol and I used to go to bars and clubs all the time (still do occasionally) for the sole purpose of dancing there. Usually, these places have a cover charge, so, that's how they make money off of me. Of course, if you personally don't feel comfortable going there if you're not drinking alcohol, then don't, however, there are no "rules" keeping you from going to those kinds of places if you don't drink alcohol.

Also, sex on the first date may be the norm for some people, however, some studies show that's it's not the norm for the majority, and I wouldn't base my understanding of sexuality on the media as it's not a very accurate representation (it's often fantasy as pornography is fantasy and doesn't reflect reality).

[Kimmie.]

ok

thanks for the answer.

About the first date sex part i based that mostly on a radio show i listen to at work and every Wednesday day have guest dthat is looking for a date and one of the personality quastions they have is: how do you feel about sex on the first date?

And i am pretty sure that no one ever have answered no on that question on the 2 years i have listen to it. But then again it is a special type of people that wants to be on a show like that.

[SorryNotSorry]

Why is it hard for many people to get in a relationship?

The only answer that I can think of is compatibility.

You pretty much answered your own question.

Some of us know what we like and want (and what we don't like or want), and this is totally at loggerheads with the "take what you get"---or more to the point, ça, suffi---mentality that prevails among those who treat relationships as a game.

[starry-night-sky]

I've just never met someone I could seriously picture being in a relationship with. Yes, I had several crushes but they were never really intense and I never ended up falling in love with my crush. I don't know why but my feelings just don't grow stronger. And even these kind of crushes don't happen often. Additionally I'm afraid of being in a relationship and I don't know how happy I'd be in one.

[moonnymph]

OP The inability to pick up on subtle cues in body language, inability to flirt or to know when being flirted with, inability to communicate what they want in a relationship (QPRs included) etc. these are some of the reasons why people do not find themselves in a relationship.

[oldgeeza]

There are many reasons for not being able to meet the right person, in my case, it's looks, asexuality, then also the case of work, some now work very long hours, the days of 9 to 5 jobs are long gone, I'm a truck driver, I work an average 15 hour day, that for me means I'm up for 19/20 hours a day, I don't know whether or not I'm going to get home every day, or even if I'm going to get home that week, that can't be fair for any relationship? In my occupation, most of my colleagues are either single or divorced, some on second or third marriages, others who've accepted they're divorced and going to remain single for life. There's managers, mechanics, doctors etc on 24 hour call out, they don't have time to find a life partner, there's so many reasons why sexual and asexuals can't find a partner

[Hermit Advocate]

I am currently in a committed relationship with my cat. He's much nicer than most humans.

[danigirlawkward]

I watched a video that provides some interesting perspectives on dating and relationships. Some of the points I agree with. I'll make another post later to elaborate. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3y5t8rVglFc