Why is it hard for many people to find a relationship?

[booksoversex]

I like to think it is because guys seem intimidated by me. MOHAHAHA. No, really, I know that's just a patethic excuse I tell myself (and which my friends are more than happy to tell me, too).

There are various reasons. One, I am not sure I ACTUALLY want a relationship. I think this goes for a lot of people. They want someone to be with when they're lonely but really, they don't have the time and when they are not being busy and can relax all they want is to cuddle up in bed with a carpet and watch Netflix for five hours. I think many people want the best of both worlds, they want someone to be there when they need it but they're not really ready to give up their autonomy and having to relate to another person every day. So that's one factor which I am sure affects how interested/uninterested people seem. And if you seem uninterested, you send out "unavailable"-vibes you might not even intend to send out, but people pick them up.

Two, problems with flirting/signals. Many people have this. They might like to flirt, but not if they ACTUALLY like someone, then they are horrified and try to act completely normal towards the other person. If the other person likes them, this could be interpreted by the other person as disinterest, and thus they won't pursue even if they ARE interested. Classic problem which a lot of people never grow out of. You end up with a circle of mutual interest, but no one daring to make the first move.

Three, personality issues. In my experience, there are usually two types of people who have problems finding someone: The people with very strong/dominant/expressive personalities, and the people who are very shy and introverted. The first group because they "scare" people off and can appear too demanding to be with, people say the world is made for extroverts but really, it's made for people who fall somewhere between very extroverted and very introverted. So the "extreme" end of the extroverts have problems finding someone because they rarely find someone who are comfortable with that level of extroversion. The second group are at the opposite end, "extreme" introverts, very shy people who might not like to go out or talk to people at all, and if they do, they prefer talking/hanging out with the people they already know. That limits the chances of meeting someone. They can have the opposite problems from the extroverts: People think they're difficult to be with because they are so "unsocial" and shy that it is difficult to communicate with them.

These are just some of the reasons, of course, there are also a lot of other aspects, life situation, how you approach others etc., but these are three main things, I think.

[somethingrandom]

I would like to experience being in a relationship - but I've never had any interest from anyone ever. I don't know why - I do go out and meet people, I do like to experience new things and I do try to make myself presentable everyday. I must have a horrible personality or appearance I guess. I've literally never been asked out or anything. I would love to just know what it feels like to be in a relationship and have someone like you, but I guess we can't all be that lucky.

[Lord Jade Cross]

I'm not good enough and nobody wants to deal with that.

If you're good enough for you, then that's what matters most. I wouldn't depend on others to validate my self worth. It's difficult, and I think most of us probably struggle with this to some extent, however, it's our own view of ourselves that makes the difference as we tend to search for things in the external world to confirm whatever views we have of ourselves, so, better to make those views positive or actively work towards that.

I'd guess you are trying to help Mimicura feel better, but that kind of thing really doesn't -- it's basically saying, "It sounds like you don't like yourself, but you have to like yourself to have anyone else like you." Which is not only a cliche, but isn't really true.

Actually it is. If you dont like yourself, youre going to give out that vibe which could scare away potential partners, not to be confused with the partners we may want to have. We tend to seek validation from others way too much to the point where it becomes unhealthy.

[Frigid Pink]

I'm not good enough and nobody wants to deal with that.

If you're good enough for you, then that's what matters most. I wouldn't depend on others to validate my self worth. It's difficult, and I think most of us probably struggle with this to some extent, however, it's our own view of ourselves that makes the difference as we tend to search for things in the external world to confirm whatever views we have of ourselves, so, better to make those views positive or actively work towards that.

I'd guess you are trying to help Mimicura feel better, but that kind of thing really doesn't -- it's basically saying, "It sounds like you don't like yourself, but you have to like yourself to have anyone else like you." Which is not only a cliche, but isn't really true.

No, that's not what I'm saying. I definitely know people can like and even love us even when don't like or love ourselves. What I'm saying is that it's better to depend on ourselves (vs. others) for our happiness.

[Autumn Season]

Plus, I've been told by guys that I'm intimidating because I come off as knowing what I want and don't want. I'd say that's a fairly accurate remark.

Somehow I'm disappointed with the guys' reaction. Knowing what you want is a positive thing. But they make it sound bad.

[Perissodactyla]

Many people claim to want to be in a relationship, although maybe deep down they're afraid of what might happen.

It's important to ask oneself not only what one gains but also what one loses by being in a relationship.

One gains super much, but there are many risks and vulnerabilities.

You have to be strong and patient, as well as very dedicated, forgiving and having the strength and flexibility to be humble and admit errors.

You lose your freedom, but you gain a different kind of freedom - commitment to a 'partner', another You.

One cannot be selfish or self-centered. And it helps a lot if you have the capacity to put another person first before yourself.

But everything that begins... ends or changes, eventually.

All that said, I encourage everyone to grow by being in a relationship.

There's nothing else you will learn as much from.

But be very careful to not hurt the other person or allow them to hurt you.

Honesty and communication. Duh. :)

[Autumn Season]

To be honest I'm kinda giving up. I don't know if anything will happen, even if I become prettiful and actually go out more often (by myself...I like to do solo outings, actually). And even if I met someone, I'd get freaked out because I can't handle someone I don't know asking for my number. I don't want to call them or talk on the phone and I certainly don't want them blowing up my texts...can you see how fucking stupid that is??? Oh god!

I don't think it's stupid because I'm the same. xD I used to beg my partner not to call me so often on my phone. I felt sorry for them, because it was a way for them to express their feelings, but phone calls - in particular the time before picking up the ringing phone - are really stressful for me.

And don't get me started on texting. xD I'm this horrible person who ignores their messages for a whole week or longer.

But for some reason I'm OK with talking on the phone for hours. Only picking up the phone is bad. And there are way too many people who love to call for a short time, but frequently. "Hey, how are you doing? I just wanted to hear your voice! Bye!" Grraaah! "Hey, I couldn't send this email, but now I figured out how to do it so I don't really need your help anymore!" Graaaaah! "Hey, how are you doing? I heard you're coming over tomorrow! So will I see you tomorrow?" Yes! Yes you will! Did you really need to call me for this nonsense? *resigned sigh*

And I enjoy chatting, as long as I don't need to wait too long for a reply. So texting is bad, but chatting is OK.

I found that it's easier to find nice people and contact them, than to get approached. This is why dating sites work for me. Maybe they would for you, too?

[BookTVLover]

(1) I'm a repulsed ace. (2) I have social anxiety. (3) I have never been asked out. (4) I'd like the guy to share my faith and have some common interests.

[Znkyou]

So many reasons....

I don't think actual compatibility is the biggest problem, knowing what you want and need in a relationship though, and finding those who are compatible is apparently more of a challenge. I think overall alot of people focus more on things that aren't a right fit, versus finding what is. My own parents are a good example of that. Neither of them was compatible for the other, yet they continued in their 'relationship' until one of them finally said "I've had enough". All that time was wasted with someone who wasn't right, when they could've been putting time and effort into finding someone right for them. I think in part it has alot to do with the value that is placed on commitment. Commitment is a wonderful thing, but commitment to a person needs to be within reason like anything else.

I complain about not beingable to find a relationship, and at times I'm really down about it, but deep down I know I'm actually not ready to create that situation.. When I am, I don't suppose it'll be any real problem at all. So, that's the story in Camp Znkyou for you. ;)

[borealmist]

I'm picky. And I get most of what I'd get from a relationship through other things like friends, co-workers and pets, so that pretty much leaves the possibility of an improved sex life as something I might get from a partner. And the 'sexual' compatibility list is probably a few dozen in the world. And I'm not doing the sexually incompatible thing again.

Well, that, and also that I consider it an essential aspect of a relationship that you make each other better together than you are on your own; challenge each other to grow and become more.

In hindsight I've also realized I only initiate relationships for seriously screwed up reasons that have nothing to do with attraction or romance. I'm not going to be doing that thing again either. So. *shrug* It's unlikely to happen.

[Frigid Pink]

I'm not good enough and nobody wants to deal with that.

If you're good enough for you, then that's what matters most. I wouldn't depend on others to validate my self worth. It's difficult, and I think most of us probably struggle with this to some extent, however, it's our own view of ourselves that makes the difference as we tend to search for things in the external world to confirm whatever views we have of ourselves, so, better to make those views positive or actively work towards that.

I'd guess you are trying to help Mimicura feel better, but that kind of thing really doesn't -- it's basically saying, "It sounds like you don't like yourself, but you have to like yourself to have anyone else like you." Which is not only a cliche, but isn't really true.

Yeah, it really isn't true. I can't fucking stand myself. "Self-love" is something I've never experienced; quite the opposite, tbh. My husband loves me immensely, though (and so do some of my family members, if you take other types of relationships into account). I'm pretty sure there are many people in a position like mine.

Yeah, which is why I said: "No, that's not what I'm saying. I definitely know people can like and even love us even when don't like or love ourselves. What I'm saying is that it's better to depend on ourselves (vs. others) for our happiness."

[ChihuahuaDaddy]

To be blunt, one of my problems is that I'm damn ugly. I look like a mutant Chernobyl survivor.

Another problem is compatibility. Here, in a conservative part of the USA, I feel like I might as well be from another planet. I don't know, maybe they are the ones from another planet. Frequently, I feel like I am in the future society in the movie Idiocracy.

Then there is the issue of money, which is related to the appearance issue. The younger generations of Americans, male and female alike, have largely been conditioned by the corporate media to feel that they are entitled to have a hot partner - especially if those conditioned come from money.

[SorryNotSorry]

Heh, I don't have a problem with liking myself.

For most of my life, others have tried to make me feel miserable about myself, and a few almost succeeded in driving me to suicide. But then I had a "what am I, nuts?" moment. I thought, why am I trying to be a good whipping boy to these people just because they have inflated egos? From that moment on, I was like, hey, screw you, Charlie... don't try to run my life unless you're going to trade places with me.

Unfortunately, this sort of independent attitude is not conducive to a relationship, but that opens another can of worms... nowadays it seems like nobody wants a relationship to be 50-50, everyone wants to be a dom.

[Flyaway4me]

For me, it is difficult to find someone who

1) Respects my boundaries

2) Respects my space and my need to be independent

3) Is not abusive

4) Is open to relationship anarchy/polyamory

3) Understands and accepts my Aro/Ace feelings and limits

4) Is willing to understand and accept the idea of committed queerplatonic relationships

No, I am not asking you just to be 'official' friends.. I am looking for a serious platonic partnership

No, the idea that "Well, if you really love someone you won't need anyone else." is not valid for me

I honestly think that I'm picky as well. I am not depending my happiness on a relationship, and I can live my life without a partner, so I'm willing to take my time to find the one right for me because I'm not going to settle for less :lol:

[Frigid Pink]

nowadays it seems like nobody wants a relationship to be 50-50, everyone wants to be a dom.

I think a relationship needs to be 100-100. I don't think it's helpful to view things as "I do 50% and they do 50%" and think it's best when both people give (or at least aim for) 100%. I think people need to be all in or not in at all.

[Chemic]

Plus, I've been told by guys that I'm intimidating because I come off as knowing what I want and don't want. I'd say that's a fairly accurate remark.

Somehow I'm disappointed with the guys' reaction. Knowing what you want is a positive thing. But they make it sound bad.

The guy who told me this didn't mean it negatively and was actually explaining why it took him forever to work up the nerves to ask me out, and it's understandable (sort of like how guys work themselves into a frenzy about trying to figure out how to ask a girl that's "out of their league" out). It didn't work out with him, but that's a whole other can of worms.

[SorryNotSorry]

I think a relationship needs to be 100-100. I don't think it's helpful to view things as "I do 50% and they do 50%" and think it's best when both people give (or at least aim for) 100%. I think people need to be all in or not in at all.

Like I said, everyone wants to be a dom.

[borealmist]

I think a relationship needs to be 100-100. I don't think it's helpful to view things as "I do 50% and they do 50%" and think it's best when both people give (or at least aim for) 100%. I think people need to be all in or not in at all.

The trouble of course is when both have different definitions of 100%. For just one aspect of a relationship, housework, at least here there's a significant difference between the genders. When they're single, men spend on average 70 minutes per day on housework (including shopping, care of close relations, etc), while women spend on average 120 minutes. When in a relationship (without children), both men and women spend on average 130 minutes instead. So, rather than sharing and getting an easier life, it's not even that it's 100-100, it's that both get more presumably boring work, and the men almost double it.

Like I said, everyone wants to be a dom.

If they actually were, that might be a good thing. A good dom would provide appropriate motivation.

[Anime Pancake]

Yeah, I can understand wanting to be alone after a disagreement or something like that. I get like that too sometimes.

For me, I think the main thing is finding someone with a personality that I like. I'm fine with most other things. I usually only find certain kinds of personalities interesting, so when I get the chance to date someone, if they don't seem interesting to me I usually just choose to stay alone lol

When you say you don't accept nice offers at first, is that because you want to be rational without letting too many emotions get in the way?

True, good point.

[Autumn Season]

I think a relationship needs to be 100-100. I don't think it's helpful to view things as "I do 50% and they do 50%" and think it's best when both people give (or at least aim for) 100%. I think people need to be all in or not in at all.

The trouble of course is when both have different definitions of 100%. For just one aspect of a relationship, housework, at least here there's a significant difference between the genders. When they're single, men spend on average 70 minutes per day on housework (including shopping, care of close relations, etc), while women spend on average 120 minutes. When in a relationship (without children), both men and women spend on average 130 minutes instead. So, rather than sharing and getting an easier life, it's not even that it's 100-100, it's that both get more presumably boring work, and the men almost double it.

Wow, I really hope this is not true. What are those stats based on?

Yeah, I can understand wanting to be alone after a disagreement or something like that. I get like that too sometimes.

For me, I think the main thing is finding someone with a personality that I like. I'm fine with most other things. I usually only find certain kinds of personalities interesting, so when I get the chance to date someone, if they don't seem interesting to me I usually just choose to stay alone lol

When you say you don't accept nice offers at first, is that because you want to be rational without letting too many emotions get in the way?

Pretty much. You know the phrase "Be careful what you wish for"? Even when my feelings say "Yes", my thoughts go "If I accepted, what would actually happen?" and then I realize that the plan needs a lot of fine-tuning. But I do listen to my emotions. No matter how rational something seems, I won't follow through if it doesn't feel right. Does this answer your question?

(I really like to make future plans with my romantic partners. My romantic partners mostly liked to be spontaneous. This... made things difficult. xD)

[Frigid Pink]

I think a relationship needs to be 100-100. I don't think it's helpful to view things as "I do 50% and they do 50%" and think it's best when both people give (or at least aim for) 100%. I think people need to be all in or not in at all.

Like I said, everyone wants to be a dom.

I don't want to be a "dom."

I want to be an equal.

I think a relationship needs to be 100-100. I don't think it's helpful to view things as "I do 50% and they do 50%" and think it's best when both people give (or at least aim for) 100%. I think people need to be all in or not in at all.

The trouble of course is when both have different definitions of 100%. For just one aspect of a relationship, housework, at least here there's a significant difference between the genders. When they're single, men spend on average 70 minutes per day on housework (including shopping, care of close relations, etc), while women spend on average 120 minutes. When in a relationship (without children), both men and women spend on average 130 minutes instead. So, rather than sharing and getting an easier life, it's not even that it's 100-100, it's that both get more presumably boring work, and the men almost double it.

I meant it like this (excerpt from website):

3. Relationships are not a 50/50 partnership – they’re 100/100 because if you do anything less, not only will you not be authentic but you’ll be thinking about things in terms of your ‘share’ and your cut and anything less than full effort is subjective.

[Anime Pancake]

Yeah, I can understand wanting to be alone after a disagreement or something like that. I get like that too sometimes.

For me, I think the main thing is finding someone with a personality that I like. I'm fine with most other things. I usually only find certain kinds of personalities interesting, so when I get the chance to date someone, if they don't seem interesting to me I usually just choose to stay alone lol

When you say you don't accept nice offers at first, is that because you want to be rational without letting too many emotions get in the way?

Pretty much. You know the phrase "Be careful what you wish for"? Even when my feelings say "Yes", my thoughts go "If I accepted, what would actually happen?" and then I realize that the plan needs a lot of fine-tuning. But I do listen to my emotions. No matter how rational something seems, I won't follow through if it doesn't feel right. Does this answer your question?

(I really like to make future plans with my romantic partners. My romantic partners mostly liked to be spontaneous. This... made things difficult. xD)

Yeah I know what you mean. That makes sense lol

[Sally]

but phone calls - in particular the time before picking up the ringing phone - are really stressful for me.

And don't get me started on texting. xD I'm this horrible person who ignores their messages for a whole week or longer.

But for some reason I'm OK with talking on the phone for hours. Only picking up the phone is bad. And there are way too many people who love to call for a short time, but frequently. "Hey, how are you doing? I just wanted to hear your voice! Bye!" Grraaah! "Hey, I couldn't send this email, but now I figured out how to do it so I don't really need your help anymore!" Graaaaah! "Hey, how are you doing? I heard you're coming over tomorrow! So will I see you tomorrow?" Yes! Yes you will! Did you really need to call me for this nonsense? *resigned sigh*

And I enjoy chatting, as long as I don't need to wait too long for a reply. So texting is bad, but chatting is OK.

I found that it's easier to find nice people and contact them, than to get approached.

Hmmm. I feel the same. I wonder if it's because we just don't want people coming at us? I don't want to answer the phone, and I simply won't if I don't know who's calling, and I don't want to answer one of those "met you yesterday at the meeting and I have a question" texts or calls. Just go ask someone else, OK?

[Autumn Season]

but phone calls - in particular the time before picking up the ringing phone - are really stressful for me.

And don't get me started on texting. xD I'm this horrible person who ignores their messages for a whole week or longer.

But for some reason I'm OK with talking on the phone for hours. Only picking up the phone is bad. And there are way too many people who love to call for a short time, but frequently. "Hey, how are you doing? I just wanted to hear your voice! Bye!" Grraaah! "Hey, I couldn't send this email, but now I figured out how to do it so I don't really need your help anymore!" Graaaaah! "Hey, how are you doing? I heard you're coming over tomorrow! So will I see you tomorrow?" Yes! Yes you will! Did you really need to call me for this nonsense? *resigned sigh*

And I enjoy chatting, as long as I don't need to wait too long for a reply. So texting is bad, but chatting is OK.

I found that it's easier to find nice people and contact them, than to get approached.

Hmmm. I feel the same. I wonder if it's because we just don't want people coming at us? I don't want to answer the phone, and I simply won't if I don't know who's calling, and I don't want to answer one of those "met you yesterday at the meeting and I have a question" texts or calls. Just go ask someone else, OK?

Probably. The next mystery to solve is why we don't like to be approached. I sometimes do confuse myself. ^^ But I'm glad that you and others feel the same.

[Sally]

I think when people call/come up to me/try to make contact, I feel engulfed. I want to come out to them instead. I was pretty distant when I first knew my husband, and also when I first knew my longtime partner. Which seemed to encourage them. Now I wonder if I got into those relationships because they pursued me so persistently and I just didn't know how to escape. Although I did fall in love with my partner. (Didn't with my husband; got married because I got pregnant, which is a very ironic situation for an asexual.)

This seems to be a just-rambling-blahblahblah day for me.

[BuggLover]

This is an interesting thread, it's comforting to go through all of the responses and and see that you aren't "crazy" and a lot of people are like you.

I think for me the biggest problem I have with finding a relationship is that I am asexual. I don't want to be in relationship with a sexual person because I can't imagine it working out (I don't want to have sex at all). When I first started identifying as ace a couple of years ago I actually thought of myself as gray-asexual because I had experienced some form of sexual attraction in the past, but I realized I haven't even felt any romantic attraction to anyone in approximately 5+ years. I haven't considered myself aromantic before but I'm starting to wondering if maybe I'm changing and that's where I'm heading. So, that is also compounding the issue of trying to find a relationship.

I think a lot of people making points about finding someone you are compatible with are spot on, whether it be personality, religion, values, etc... it seems incredibly hard. And I think as aces personal compatibility becomes the most important thing to us because we don't feel sexual and/or physical attraction to figure out who we want to be in a relationship with. And this is completely opposite to sexual people.

When I tell people that personality and emotional attraction is more important to me than sexual and physical attraction they act like I have grown a second head (e.g. discussions about why I don't get Tinder). I have had people actually start to get mad at me when I talk to them about stuff like this because they straight up think that sexual attraction is the main/first reason to decide to pursue someone and I am wrong. And these are regular normal people I work with who are married or in relationships themselves... it's hard for me to understand this perspective. And I think with our societal beauty ideals getting so warped everyone is completely screwed, no matter where you fall on the orientation spectrum.

[Diceman]

It's the circle of friendship-

Meet a Girl - Make Friends - Ask Friend Out - Rejection - Awkwardness - Lose Friend

I've lost WAY too many friends this way, and now I'm just afraid to ask people out because it never works and I'm tired of losing friends. Apparently I'm the kind of person who no girl wants to be asked out by, but makes a good friend. And that's why the friendzone is a thing, and people who get offended by that term don't realize how real it can be to some people.

[borealmist]

Wow, I really hope this is not true. What are those stats based on?

The Swedish central bureau of statistics runs one of the time usage studies ever decade. They know what they're doing so probably it's as usual, random selection mailed forms in statistically significant numbers, followed by nagging until everyone responds. This data view, time by gender and life situation is available here, first four bars are childless men and women, 20-44, single, then cohabitating (swedish unfortunately): http://www.scb.se/sv_/Hitta-statistik/Statistik-efter-amne/Levnadsforhallanden/Levnadsforhallanden/Tidsanvandningsundersokningen/12226/2010A01/Genomsnittlig-tid-for-hemarbetsaktiviteter-efter-familjecykel-ar-201011-Befolkningen-20-84-ar-Alla-dagar/

[borealmist]

I meant it like this (excerpt from website):

3. Relationships are not a 50/50 partnership – they’re 100/100 because if you do anything less, not only will you not be authentic but you’ll be thinking about things in terms of your ‘share’ and your cut and anything less than full effort is subjective.

Mmmm, I agree when it comes to commitment and priority... but the statement lends itself to interpretation, do you know if she's written more in detail on that?

[Autumn Season]

Wow, I really hope this is not true. What are those stats based on?

The Swedish central bureau of statistics runs one of the time usage studies ever decade. They know what they're doing so probably it's as usual, random selection mailed forms in statistically significant numbers, followed by nagging until everyone responds. This data view, time by gender and life situation is available here, first four bars are childless men and women, 20-44, single, then cohabitating (swedish unfortunately): http://www.scb.se/sv_/Hitta-statistik/Statistik-efter-amne/Levnadsforhallanden/Levnadsforhallanden/Tidsanvandningsundersokningen/12226/2010A01/Genomsnittlig-tid-for-hemarbetsaktiviteter-efter-familjecykel-ar-201011-Befolkningen-20-84-ar-Alla-dagar/

Interesting, I didn't even know there were studies like these. I'll just trust you on the meaning of the statistics here. It really makes me wonder though, why a household needs more work per person when there is one more person.