Why is it hard for many people to find a relationship?

[Anime Pancake]

Hey everyone!

I've been wondering about this for a while, so I decided to make a topic about it.

Why is it hard for many people to get in a relationship?

I used to think that I was one of the few people that wanted to be in a relationship of some kind (platonic or romantic) but was still single. But recently I've noticed on the internet that there are hundreds of people that seem to be lonely and not in a relationship like they would like to be.

This makes me wonder, why is it hard for some people to get in a relationship?

The only answer that I can think of is compatibility. Basically that every person is individual and is looking for certain things in a significant other. Even with that, it seems like with all the people out there that are interested in being in a relationship, people would be able to at least find close friends to spend time with so that they wouldn't be lonely.

So my question is, why is it hard for many people to find someone to be in a relationship with? This includes any kind of exclusive relationship, not necessarily romantic.

Also this is not something that only asexuals experience, many sexual people seem to be single and wanting companionship also.

[Jeena]

One reason I have trouble getting into a relationship is because I have trouble meeting people, and telling them I would like to be in a relationship.

Don't get me confused, I am not afraid of rejection, but I just have trouble talking to people I don't know at all.

[SorryNotSorry]

I daresay the overwhelming majority of people who say they want to be in a relationship have only a vague idea of what they're looking for. They know they want to get into a relationship, but...

Those few who are more specific ("laundry lists"), tend to be the target of negative remarks by others, who do not share their prefs, or who find those prefs to be downright offensive.

I'm firmly in the latter category, that's how I know.

[allrightalready]

for me the biggest problem is finding someone who meets the main requirement, honesty.

[Visenya]

With the exception of me, one of my friends, and 3~4 family members, everyone I know have never had any problem finding a relationship.

In my case, I've never ever met anyone compatible. Even if I weren't ace, I'd still have a lot of trouble finding a partner.

[Megami]

I daresay the overwhelming majority of people who say they want to be in a relationship have only a vague idea of what they're looking for. They know they want to get into a relationship, but...

Those few who are more specific ("laundry lists"), tend to be the target of negative remarks by others, who do not share their prefs, or who find those prefs to be downright offensive.

I'm firmly in the latter category, that's how I know.

Laundry lists can be a problem in the fact that depending on how much you know about what you want, the more it narrows the pool as well. I would rather be aware of what I need than go through needless trial and error, though.

For me personally, asexuality is a giant stumbling block too. Not only is it hard for other people to understand, but most wouldn't be okay with a relationship with someone who will never, ever sleep with them.

[Autumn Season]

Compatibility is huge, yes. And then there are different personality types. Some are more open-minded to different kinds of partners than others I guess.

(1) As for me, there is the "problem" of being ace. (2) And then I have a rather troublesome personality in this regard. I get easily offended and (3) as soon as there is trouble, I need lots of alone-time in order to feel content again. (I do communicate with my partner, but only being alone makes me feel at ease at the end of a conflict.) (4) Also... I don't compromise. With compromise I mean regularly doing something which makes me feel bad for the sake of the other. (5) And I take things slow. A lot. No matter how overwhelming my feelings or the feelings of my partner are. I can make huge decisions for my love, but they have to be based on rationality addional to the emotions. (6) So I refuse nice offers. Which is pretty much like refusing the relationship to develop xD, except that in such cases I believe there are more healthy ways to continue with the relationship. (7) Finally, I would like to fall in love with the one I'm dating/ date the one I've fallen in love with. This happens very rarely though.

In conclusion, the main difficulty (apart from asexuality) is to find somebody I feel relaxed around, even in the more stressful situations.

[Ph03n1xF1r3]

My biggest issue is that I'm SUPER awkward around new people. Lol.

My husband was very persistent when we first started dating. It helped that it was long distance at first (we lived 7 hours apart). We talked a lot on the phone and got to know each other that way. :)

I couldn't do the dating thing today. Too much foolishness.

Good luck to everyone on finding love/the relationship they desire.

[sparklingstars]

I have a lot of trouble meeting new people, and then once we've met, forming a close relationship. This true for both friends and romantic relationships. Also I'm not as attractive as a lot of women so guys tend to pass over me and pursue the pretty ones.

[SweetieBot]

Well for me it is my hideous looks and awful personality (not to mention being an ace who would be unwilling to compromise). It sucks, but what can ya do.

I wish you all luck in finding your happily ever afters though.

[Chemic]

Mine is a mix of not meeting new people and the fact that I'm really damn picky. I have a "must meet these standards" list (for example, I refuse to date a smoker due to health concerns) but the biggest one is that I only want to be with a fellow ace (or gray-A or demi) as I don't want to put a sexual person through a relationship where they won't be having sex.

Plus, I've been told by guys that I'm intimidating because I come off as knowing what I want and don't want. I'd say that's a fairly accurate remark.

[scarletlatitude]

I do want a relationship, but I am asexual (maybe demisexual with the right person) and mostly aromantic (gray-romantic maybe? is that a thing?) and I am fiercely introverted. There are whole weekends where I just sit in my apartment in absolute silence. I hate being touched unless I know it's coming and I like you. Nothing creeps me out more than men (as I am hetero) trying to get all touchy feely with me.

Problem is finding someone who is also asexual (or maybe demisexual), and also mostly aromantic, and also who doesn't want to feel me up all the time, and also who would respect these feelings and wait until I'm comfortable, and also is introverted and can stand being quiet together, and also is willing to leave me alone when I have my extreme introvert moments, and also will deal with my general brand of crazy.... along with the traits I prefer to find someone romantically/sexually attractive. It's like finding a unicorn. :P

For now I'm content to let it happen when it happens.

[Anime Pancake]

True, it can be hard meeting new people sometimes. I usually find it easiest if I go to the same place on a regular basis.

I do have things that I look for in a significant other, but I usually don't say what those things are plainly lol. I just bring up things like that in conversation to see if we relate well. I can see how it would be kind of helpful to talk about a list of things though.

You haven't met anyone you felt you were compatible with before?

For me, it does happen sometimes, but they usually don't feel the same way about me lol

Thanks everyone for the replies! I'll reply more a little bit later. I really appreciate the comments!

[Asthoer]

I'm not sure what exactly does it, but... What I can think about.. is :

1. It depends on how "flexible" you are, if you are looking for a particular person or a variety of posibilities...so, it is more difficult to find someone that you are looking for particularely.
2. it depends also on how much sociable you are, how much do you look for what you want, how much time spends knowing people, chatting, talking, etc..

So I don't know, another thing could be the feeling of self confidence or not that ones has, how much do you open your heart, and we now that for MANY PEOPLE it is more difficult to do this at first. So when you are looking for someone specialy, the appearence may be confusing you, because you dont really know the person, but we judge for appearence many times.

Do you really want a relationship?
Why do you want a relationship?.

PD: I'm from Argentina, sorry if I have grammar mistakes! Nice question by the way, I think it is something true!.. see ya!

[Frigid Pink]

It wouldn't surprise me if unrealistic expectations are a part of the problem.

If I was unhappy because I wasn't in a relationship, then I'd ask myself, "Why do I want this so badly?" and then think of ways I can give myself whatever it is I think a relationship will give me.

It's okay to want a relationship and they can (and do) certainly add to happiness, however, it's not healthy to depend on a relationship (or another person) for our happiness.

[Limerence]

I think there are many factors that go into finding a relationship. Some things off the top of my head: compatibility, timing, and romantic interest.

Obviously, compatibility is a big one and is pretty self-explanatory. Personally, I've had the most trouble with this one. In my opinion, timing is another major one. Maybe that person just got out of a long relationship and isn't ready for someone new, or they are working really hard in school and don't have time for a relationship, etc. Lastly, as far as romantic interest goes, it just has to "click", I guess.

Sadly, I don't think any of these three can be helped.

It wouldn't surprise me if unrealistic expectations are a part of the problem.

I thought of this too. I don't know if it plays a role in finding relationships, but it definitely plays one in keeping them.

[Lord Jade Cross]

Various of the things that have already been mentioned. For me, I dont look for relationships because I dont consider them necessary and just a huge waste of time (bear with me this is my personal opinion. Dont go getting all riled up) but if I was going to look for one, people would have a hard time with me because they would be put to the test.

Nothing like some predetermined obstacle course but I will measure a persons honesty and straighforwardness. How open they are. This doesnt mean that they tell me deep dark secrets from the get go, but that they are not the type that go skipping around the truth and much less be the type that try to cover up their lies with more lies especially when they get caught.

Part of that openess must also be that they tell me when something is bothering them. I really hate having to guess and playing the blame game.

Obiously the compatibility. It goes without saying that if the person is the type that clashes with me, things will go sour very fast.

The no sex part is somethig that I will not compromise. No negotiating that one. So if the person is expecting that at some point, theyd be better off with someone else. I will be the type who openly and painfully if needed will tell them that I will not have sex with them, period.

[Frigid Pink]

It wouldn't surprise me if unrealistic expectations are a part of the problem.

I thought of this too. I don't know if it plays a role in finding relationships, but it definitely plays one in keeping them.

Some people have unrealistic expectations based on appearance alone. If someone values the superficial more than other things, then what they'll get is most likely a superficial relationship or connection. So, if someone is looking for a serious relationship and not something more casual, then looking beyond the superficial (appearance/common interests/etc) and paying more attention to things like shared values is important.

[Visenya]

You haven't met anyone you felt you were compatible with before?

For me, it does happen sometimes, but they usually don't feel the same way about me lol

Not really. Finding friends with similar interests is quite difficult for me. When it comes to romantic relationships, it's even worse, because I'd have to look for a guy who's ok with a sexless monogamous relationship, doesn't want kids, among other things. In other words, I'm incompatible with over 99% of people, so... yeah, I'll probably become a crazy cat lady. :D

[Chardog]

Compatibility is an issue.. I've only had two people in my entire life that I've felt 100% comfortable being myself with. Beyond that, I automatically have zero interest in anyone who finds me physically attractive because it pretty much insinuates that at some point they'll want sex (which is not going to happen). Not to mention, I don't identify as my birth gender but still present as such- which means their attraction is also based on me being something that I'm not.

[SorryNotSorry]

Laundry lists can be a problem in the fact that depending on how much you know about what you want, the more it narrows the pool as well. I would rather be aware of what I need than go through needless trial and error, though.

I totally agree... in fact, that's one of the factors that drives the popularity of custom sex dolls. It will be even truer of sexbots and lovebots when those become available. Why settle for ça, suffi when you can have a bot built that has everything you always wanted in a partner?

For me personally, asexuality is a giant stumbling block too. Not only is it hard for other people to understand, but most wouldn't be okay with a relationship with someone who will never, ever sleep with them.

Asexuals are the Rodney Dangerfields of the singles and dating world---we get no respect. As far as non-asexuals are concerned, we DESERVE no respect.

[Semtex in August]

There are so many reasons.

1) the person who is looking is unaware of what they really want.

2) they know what they want but have not focused on themselves enough to attract their dream person. (Boring slothful, unemployed, lazy man only wants to be with super model sex goddess neurosurgeon woman)

3) they know what they want, they have addressed their own issues, but they are socially underdeveloped.

It is so difficult to find someone whose baggage matches our own, who at the same time we are not put off by.

[Frigid Pink]

Laundry lists can be a problem in the fact that depending on how much you know about what you want, the more it narrows the pool as well. I would rather be aware of what I need than go through needless trial and error, though.

Why settle for ça, suffi when you can have a bot built that has everything you always wanted in a partner?

... because some people don't have unrealistic expectations (humans are inherently flawed and imperfect) and are actually interested in a human connection.

[Fire Monkey]

Well for me it is my hideous looks and awful personality (not to mention being an ace who would be unwilling to compromise). It sucks, but what can ya do.

I wish you all luck in finding your happily ever afters though.

Yeah, pretty much. Combine that with being "of a certain age" in a very small environment (7,500 souls on the entire island) and being a different heritage than most of those people, and yup, the pickin's are pretty slim. Which is not to say that I would reject anyone based on cultural differences alone, but that I am very likely to be rejected on that basis. I'm not even looking for the great love of my life. I'd settle for not having to die alone.

[nanogretchen4]

So after college I had a six year relationship that ended when he cheated on me. I focused on my career for awhile and moved to a smaller town where I did not fit in socially. In twelve years I was attracted to two people, both women, both straight. Moved to a city with a more compatible social environment and made a lot of friends, but by this stage of life everyone is married. One crush in four years, and of course he's married, so nothing to do except suffer in silence and wait for it to wear off.

The good news is, I handle being single pretty well. When I stop and take stock I find myself thinking that dating is something I should probably get around to one of these years. Bottom line, I just don't feel much urgency about it, and I'm easily distracted by more interesting projects.

[.diva plavalaguna.]

Good question. :)

I can only speak for myself. I was not attractive in the slightest from kindergarten till probably my junior year of college. Of course I thought I was okay at the time but definitely nothing to write home about. I've never been terribly confident and always very self-conscious. I am super awkward in public. And I have been depressed for an extremely long time. I don't trust people (why do so many people lie about stupid shit?) and eventually everyone gets tired of me. I can't be what people need, apparently. I'm extremely introverted (INTJ every time I take that test lol) and do value not just my alone time but also my space. I need quite a bit of it.

Most of the people I've met are very attached to socializing on their phones, whether that's texting or chatting on facebook or something else and over the years I've come to realize I'm just not into being stuck to my phone like that. I tend to ignore chat messages because I hate getting roped into being expected to answer back often. And I hate small, pointless chatter... They also like things like partying, clubbing and drinking. Especially drinking. I don't drink. I have a lot of artistic/creative hobbies but I've yet to meet anyone who A) shares any of them and/or B) could hold conversation about any of them over time. I'm somewhat jealous of people who have friends they can craft with! I don't feel that I can have meaningful discussions with anyone I know. I am also not someone who needs to have 800 friends and 50 best friends to feel needed. I'd much prefer to have a very deep connection with 1-2 people for life than flimsy ones with 10+ people. Most, if not all people I've met are not interested in building lasting relationships or sticking around in a person's life - well, if that person is me, it seems.

Ever since I can remember I seem to repel people and I guess that could partly be the whole anti-social thing. I honestly just don't know, though. Friends...romantic interests, it all pretty much ends the same.

Romantically speaking, I am still learning a lot about how I process this type of stuff. I just recently realized that 90% of the time I will not enjoy being "flirted" with or otherwise hit on. I've had older guys make comments towards me, and one probably younger guy ask for my number but they all feel so incredibly uncomfortable. I don't want passes made at me by people I've never spoken with. I need to be able to scope someone out first...it sounds kinda ridiculous but wait lol. I usually like to see if I'd like to be friends with someone first, whether that's cause I see them do something cool or they just look interesting. From there it would be most meaningful if we can somehow actually become friends, and get to know each other some before I even so much as consider admitting I like them. But I'm a little old-fashioned now in that I would really prefer the guy to mention he likes, after we've been friends for a while and something has mounted. Ok it still sounds stupid! But I've become this way after always being rejected by my guy friends I started to like, who then say we should be friends but then never talk to me again. It's just lies. I'm just sick of putting my emotions on the line only for some guy to stomp my heart into the ground. At least tell me what's wrong with me so I can fix it, or something... Nowadays, I stay at home a lot so I'm obviously not meeting any new people. There was one guy I kinda started liking at the end of my last semester in college, but then he went off to Japan and the crazy part of my brain started doing a real number on my confidence. I mean, I already had to deal with guys falling all over the girls in Japan when I was on study abroad and I could just see it happening all over again. Why have a potato when you can have filet mignon -.-

And on that note, I am least trying to improve my physical appearance by doing my makeup better, fixing up my hair, and losing weight. And once I lost the weight I want to get my ideal wardrobe of cute & comfy clothes >.< But all my life I told myself nobody liked me because I'm fat, ugly, have bad teeth and a scarred face. But then I look around the public and there are fat people, ugly people, people with bad teeth, people with NO teeth, people with acne and scars worse than mine, totally rude asshole-ish people who ALL have found someone. Yet it doesn't work for me. I'm a pessimist, too. Seeing all that doesn't give me hope, it makes me feel like the dirtiest trash ever. People always want to tell me I should be more social but I'm starting to feel like it's not fair. I have to change so damn much about myself, to the point where I'm not even me anymore, while these other people do....what? I am never going to be an extrovert and I am not a party person and I don't want to always be out in the open/exposed. But I'm not good enough and nobody wants to deal with that.

To be honest I'm kinda giving up. I don't know if anything will happen, even if I become prettiful and actually go out more often (by myself...I like to do solo outings, actually). And even if I met someone, I'd get freaked out because I can't handle someone I don't know asking for my number. I don't want to call them or talk on the phone and I certainly don't want them blowing up my texts...can you see how fucking stupid that is??? Oh god!

Ok all of that and we're not even at the worst shit? I'm only really identifying as asexual now, although I'm 90% ok about saying heteroromantic. I don't want to have casual sex at all and will only consider doing it with someone I can love/am in love with and want to be with for the rest of my life. -.- I don't want any fucking kids, no dependents at all actually and that includes pets. I love doggies to death but I just don't want to do it. I'm agnostic and honestly don't think I could live with someone who really does the whole going to church and whatnot. It's not 100%. It would be great if they don't drink but again it's not so bad as long as they are responsible. And I absolutely will not fuck with anyone who smokes -anything.- And I kind of think I'd like to get married. lol And yeah I'd love to be a housewife and be "taken care of" but that is just a hilarious dream. Me being in a relationship seems that way as well.

So yeah. I'm boned. :)

[Frigid Pink]

I'm not good enough and nobody wants to deal with that.

If you're good enough for you, then that's what matters most. I wouldn't depend on others to validate my self worth. It's difficult, and I think most of us probably struggle with this to some extent, however, it's our own view of ourselves that makes the difference as we tend to search for things in the external world to confirm whatever views we have of ourselves, so, better to make those views positive or actively work towards that.

[Sally]

I'm not good enough and nobody wants to deal with that.

If you're good enough for you, then that's what matters most. I wouldn't depend on others to validate my self worth. It's difficult, and I think most of us probably struggle with this to some extent, however, it's our own view of ourselves that makes the difference as we tend to search for things in the external world to confirm whatever views we have of ourselves, so, better to make those views positive or actively work towards that.

I'd guess you are trying to help Mimicura feel better, but that kind of thing really doesn't -- it's basically saying, "It sounds like you don't like yourself, but you have to like yourself to have anyone else like you." Which is not only a cliche, but isn't really true.

[raddestgrl]

This question is so simple for me.

I don't find it hard whatsoever to find someone who is good looking and has the personality to match. Like right now, I think three people are super adorable but I avoid them.

I'm lithromantic. When I got my first boyfriend I broke up with him right away because I could feel just how much he actually liked me. I feel suffocated and uncomfortable.

[JAKQ7111]

I have a really hard time asking for what I want, between natural awkwardness and social anxiety. Not to mention, I've been called 'creepy' one too many times by crushes, and I've been brow-beaten into believing that if I dare develop feelings for someone, I am automatically harassing them by nature of having those feelings. I really wish I knew how to fix this, so I could find the happy relationships that I want without being afraid of hurting other people, because right now, I'm the one who is hurting.