Therapists & asexuality?

[Cove]

Have you met with a therapist before and talked about asexuality with them? What was your experience? What happened the next session?

Here's why I'm asking:

Tuesday (the day after I joined this forum) I had a session with my therapist. Towards the end I was able to tell her about my discovery of asexuality and AVEN and what I think it means for me. My therapist is a wonderful, wonderful lady. She has her doctorate too, so she's got that extra proof that she's smart and knowledgeable about psychology. For some reason I just assumed she'd know about asexuality (ignoring the fact that she's older because I know age doesn't mean everything).

But she didn't.

I got a little caught off guard, but as I explained my experiences to her she would sometimes ask a question or two to clarify and/or verify information. I think I explained it pretty well despite not being prepared and having only one night of research under my belt. I told her that asexuality is a sexual orientation just like the others. Heterosexuality just means being sexually attracted to the opposite gender, homosexuality to the same, and asexuality is just not being sexually attracted to anyone. And romantic orientation is separate from that. She said she'd get more information on it, educate herself kind of thing. So that was kind of nice. At the same time though I feel a bit more alone than I did Monday night.

[sparklingstars]

I'm currently looking for a new therapist, but when I find one I would like to be able to discuss my a sexuality with him/her.

I think a lot of people out there still aren't aware of a sexuality. Although you would think that someone in the mental health profession would try to stay up to date on this sort of thing.

[wakeywakey]

My therapist took a while to accept it, or more specifically that my dating for the first time in a few years wasn't sex-motivated. After a while she took it upon herself to research asexuality and actually apologized for some of her previous comments (which I never actually took offense to), noting that they would not have been appropriate if directed at someone of a different orientation. Since then any questions she's had directly concerning it always seem to genuinely be an effort to learn more.

http://www.nytimes.com/2015/07/05/fashion/asexual-and-happy.html?_r=0

I'm reminded of this article if you haven't read it - AVEN got pretty excited over it when it came out if my memory serves me right =]

[verily-forsooth-egads]

You're actually lucky. I've seen stories from people on here whose therapists outright refused to accept asexuality when it was explained to them.

[Frigid Pink]

I think a lot of people out there still aren't aware of a sexuality. Although you would think that someone in the mental health profession would try to stay up to date on this sort of thing.

To be fair, it's not something that's taught or is that visible in the medical community. It's actually pretty invisible, so, unless you yourself were asexual or knew someone who was asexual, then you probably wouldn't know about it. Visibility has increased a lot since when I originally discovered asexuality, however, it's still not common knowledge.

I think it's okay if someone doesn't know and the best way to responsd is with acceptance, so, I think the therapist's response in this situation was positive.

If we want more visibility and allies, then it's best to educate others and interact with people different from us. Otherwise, we're drawing lines between us based on our differences and that will only isolate us more.

As far as my own experiences, I've had mostly positive ones. My only negative experience was when a counselor kept placing focus on the future and how I may be in the future when I had sexual compatibility issues in one of my relationships. I was straightforward and honest with my feelings and told them that I need help making my relationships work with the way I am now regardless of what my future may be and they were receptive to that and it was okay.

I think of my interaction with a counselor as a safe place to practice relationship and communication skills. It's important to express our feelings to others, especially when we have a problem or issue with the other person's behavior. Otherwise, we don't give them a chance to correct the behavior and it's really unfair and unrealistic to expect others to be mindreaders and know exactly what we feel or want or need in any given moment.

[scarletlatitude]

I told my therapist about it. She hadn't heard of it either, but she had a very positive reaction and asked me to explain it to her. After I had explained it, she told me that she thinks she has another client who is also asexual and that she would mention it to the other client in case they were interested.

I think there are still so many people who don't know about asexuality. That's why our visibility work is important. :)

[iamamiwhoami]

I haven't told my therapist much about this stuff or some other things. but then, they do sorta make me uncomfortable.. he is kinda of assertive in his body language and IDK all my therapists are assertive in their body language and I'm sick of it... like y'know sitting with their legs agape or leaning towards you or touching you or something. ew people.

[Distant Admiration]

I never used the term "asexual" but rather explained that I felt no sexual attraction towards anyone, but would not mind some sort of romantic relationship with someone and made she make sense out of it.

She thought it was my anorexia that caused lack of sexual drive (which is extremely common, so I can hardly blame her for that). We never addressed the issue later, but I'm pretty sure that she'd be understanding about it. Best of luck with your therapist Cove. Nothing is better than when the two of you are on the same page and actually cooperating instead of pulling in two separate directions :)

[tase]

I mentioned this in a similar thread. I am 55 so my expectation was that he would be fine with that. After getting mixed reviews here on aven as whether or not to discuss with therapist, I decided to do it so he would stop trying to push dating websites on me. So as I expected, he was totally fine with it. He then started telling stories of other patients who discussed their lack of desire. Then he even got into some tmi stuff about himself. Eww. Anyway he was thrilled that I had already joined a local ace group, and was super thrilled that I took the initiative to actually go to a meet up in person. So for me it was a pleasant experience. Hopefully it will turn out the same for the op.

[EccentricAce#]

My therapist didn't ask me about asexuality. First he asked me if I am attracted towards men. I said 'no'. And then he asked me if I am attracted towards women. I said 'no'. He had a puzzled look on his face. I then told him I know how to satisty myself and I don't need a man or a woman.

[EggplantWitch]

I'd been seeing my therapist for about a quarter of a year before I finally told her. I'd read so many horror stories on AVEN and I was scared out of my mind that her reaction would be negative, despite how amazing she had been on every other front. But she knew what it was, at least to some extent, and she told me that I shouldn't feel so bad about it, in the 'you should be proud of yourself and your identity' way, not the 'you've not got any problems so you have no reason to feel bad' way. I was so relieved.

The fact that your therapist is willing to become more educated on asexuality is a good thing, Cove. I hope it goes well for you!

[Fire Monkey]

I have discussed it with my therapist, and she was actually happy to have the information--both about me and about AVEN. Good lady. Another psychiatry person of my acquaintance doesn't get it and thinks that Match.com or going down to the local bar, ugh, is the answer to my prayers. B*tch please, just give me the meds.

[Sapphire Rose]

B*tch please, just give me the meds.

Lol this is how I feel anytime I go to the doctor

[Raina.]

Your therapist sounds absolutely wonderful. I'm glad to hear there's people willing to educate themselves!
My last psychiatrist told me that when I have a girlfriend, I should just "give in" and have sex to please her cause "we all have to make sacrifices for relationships."

Needless to say, I've got a different one right now. I haven't mentioned my being ace yet, though. Gonna wait for that til my admission and I'm in group.

[Cove]

Thank you everyone for your replies!

I feel bad for those of you who've had negative experiences with a therapist, but I'm also glad a lot of you were able and willing to find someone better.

When I see my therapist on Tuesday again I think I'll feel a lot more comfortable and confident going in because of what everyone has said here. Thank you!!

[pinkroses]

I mentioned this to my therapist. that i thought i was asexual. and he said something like i wasnt or probably wasnt because i participated in some sexual acts (not intercourse) with my bf at the time. and this made me feel kinda akward, that he said that . and then it made me unsure of myself. before that i was confused but thought i fall some where under the asexuality umbrella. and his comment made me doubt myself. :( but for other stuff he has been really helpful

[booksoversex]

I mentioned this to my therapist. that i thought i was asexual. and he said something like i wasnt or probably wasnt because i participated in some sexual acts (not intercourse) with my bf at the time. and this made me feel kinda akward, that he said that . and then it made me unsure of myself. before that i was confused but thought i fall some where under the asexuality umbrella. and his comment made me doubt myself. :( but for other stuff he has been really helpful

Asexuality is not about what you do, but about attractions. An asexual person can still have sex and still enjoy it, they just don't have an urge for it and don't feel any sexual attraction towards others.

[Frenchi]

I'm hoping that when we can finally go see our couples therapist, he can clarify whether my partner is in fact asexual and if so, how we can try and make our relationship work, as I am sexual. All the information on AVEN is making my anxiety levels go through the roof. I'd almost rather just live in denial that try and make sense of all of this on my own

[booksoversex]

I'm hoping that when we can finally go see our couples therapist, he can clarify whether my partner is in fact asexual and if so, how we can try and make our relationship work, as I am sexual. All the information on AVEN is making my anxiety levels go through the roof. I'd almost rather just live in denial that try and make sense of all of this on my own

Have you seen the "for sexual partners, friends and allies" subforum? You should find a lot of advice - and support - there. :)

[stresstwig]

When I talked to my psychiatrist and therapist about it (well, second time with the therapist) I had just read an article that described aesthetic attraction as it relates to asexuality -- you know how every sexual person seems to think Emma Watson is absolutely smokin' hot and wants to jump her bones? I mean, yeah, she's definitely gorgeous, but I don't want to jump her. I just want to go on coffee dates and talk about books and stuff with her. And aesthetic attraction is like.... I'm about as attracted to this person as I would be attracted to a lamp. They are a very pretty lamp, but still a lamp in terms of sexual attraction. There's just nothing for me there. (Sorry to any people who may actually be sexually attracted to lamps.)

I think that really helped them understand. I also did the coming out monologues on my campus earlier this month and I read my monologue out to them. I recently edited and published it on Medium (PM me if you'd like to read it, I can send it along) and the original monologue got a lot of compliments and people saying they identified with the feelings and frustration, even if their experiences were dissimilar. Writing has also always been cathartic for me, so having something written out to read aloud really helped. I like to explain things right the first time, and that gave me a chance to do it. :)

[eloise]

when i told my psychologist i was asexual i assumed that she didnt know what it meant even though i was expecting her to know. she asked me some questions and i explained it to her, and she also said she needed to get up with the times. it feels good that shes open to it and that i got to show her, but at the same time i think its something that she should have looked into, especially given her position. we have a responsibility to do other people justice and educate ourselves where we need.

[Frigid Pink]

when i told my psychologist i was asexual i assumed that she didnt know what it meant even though i was expecting her to know. she asked me some questions and i explained it to her, and she also said she needed to get up with the times. it feels good that shes open to it and that i got to show her, but at the same time i think its something that she should have looked into, especially given her position. we have a responsibility to do other people justice and educate ourselves where we need.

As I said before (in this thread):

To be fair, it's not something that's taught or is that visible in the medical community. It's actually pretty invisible, so, unless you yourself were asexual or knew someone who was asexual, then you probably wouldn't know about it. Visibility has increased a lot since when I originally discovered asexuality, however, it's still not common knowledge.

I think it's okay if someone doesn't know and the best way to respond is with acceptance, so, I think the therapist's response in this situation was positive.

If we want more visibility and allies, then it's best to educate others and interact with people different from us. Otherwise, we're drawing lines between us based on our differences and that will only isolate us more.

[ajanderson78]

I've never brought the topic up with my therapist but I'm sure it would be a positive experience. She is encouraging me to be more social and has mentioned setting up a profile on match.com or similar website. Our discussions lately have been more on the social aspect of my life so an opportunity to discuss this may come up soon.

[Skycaptain]

Maybe because I'm in a different country and therapists / counsellors have a different training syllabus, but it was actually my counsellor who suggested that I may be asexual and actually provided me with AVEN's Web address.

[Emily_On_Earth]

The best therapist I ever had was in the last city I lived, and she was wonderful. She was an older woman, who had seen it all, until I came along. She seemed genuinely into working with something new, and I thought her take on working with me was very fair. She said she was not comfortable with trying to change my sexuality. I did not like to hear asexuality referred to as "my sexuality," but I thought it was fair given what she followed it up with. I said I wanted to be able to have sex, even if she wasn't going to help me learn to "want" it. And she agreed. She was wonderful, we really did good work together, I became more comfortable with more sexual images, stories, and even sexual acts like touching a man's penis, all in a very short time.

She made me feel so normal. Mostly because her suggestions sometimes were insane. I once brought up that sometimes I feel I'd be happier as a housewife because I hate working. She says, "Well, there are men, who order women from overseas, and that's what they're looking for." She was dead serious. I go, "Moraine, I don't think men who buy mail order brides are typically good husbands..." She SHRUGS HER SHOULDERS and just goes, "Well, it is an option."

My favorite memory of her, this lovely 60 something year old woman, was when I told her I had touched my (willing) male friend's penis. She says, in this sweet, older lady voice, 'Well i guess I should say congratulations!!!" Cracks me up whenever I think about it.

[Hizu]

My therapist told me I was schizoid, when I might actually just be asexual. He confused me even more...

[Ioras]

Oh gosh. That made me super nervous when I was looking for a therapist way back in January. I found one who is really great and also knows what asexuality is but ....
She apparently thinks that just because I'm in a relationship means that my 'sexuality might awaken' at some point. I mean no???
So yeah she doesn't believe me that I'm asexual.
We have already established that I have a problem with men. I mean I can find SOME men aesthetically pleasing but that's about it. And I'm in a relationship with a woman. But I'm (obviously) not sexually attracted to her or any other woman. So uh ... it's sometimes hard, to be honest.

She said something like, if I were 70 and told her I've been asexual all my life she'd believe me but I'm 26 so she doubts me.
And that really, really sucks. I sometimes don't know myself really well but I know I'm asexual and that's a fact.

[Frigid Pink]

Oh gosh. That made me super nervous when I was looking for a therapist way back in January. I found one who is really great and also knows what asexuality is but ....

She apparently thinks that just because I'm in a relationship means that my 'sexuality might awaken' at some point. I mean no???

So yeah she doesn't believe me that I'm asexual.

We have already established that I have a problem with men. I mean I can find SOME men aesthetically pleasing but that's about it. And I'm in a relationship with a woman. But I'm (obviously) not sexually attracted to her or any other woman. So uh ... it's sometimes hard, to be honest.

She said something like, if I were 70 and told her I've been asexual all my life she'd believe me but I'm 26 so she doubts me.

And that really, really sucks. I sometimes don't know myself really well but I know I'm asexual and that's a fact.

I'd ask them if they'd say that to someone that self-identifies as "homosexual." Also, I'd consider switching therapists, regardless of the response to that question. I'd definitely be open and honest with my therapist about my feelings in response to what they said to me as I've learned that therapy is a great place to practice communication and conflict resolution skills.

[Ioras]

Oh gosh. That made me super nervous when I was looking for a therapist way back in January. I found one who is really great and also knows what asexuality is but ....

She apparently thinks that just because I'm in a relationship means that my 'sexuality might awaken' at some point. I mean no???

So yeah she doesn't believe me that I'm asexual.

We have already established that I have a problem with men. I mean I can find SOME men aesthetically pleasing but that's about it. And I'm in a relationship with a woman. But I'm (obviously) not sexually attracted to her or any other woman. So uh ... it's sometimes hard, to be honest.

She said something like, if I were 70 and told her I've been asexual all my life she'd believe me but I'm 26 so she doubts me.

And that really, really sucks. I sometimes don't know myself really well but I know I'm asexual and that's a fact.

I'd ask them if they'd say that to someone that self-identifies as "homosexual." Also, I'd consider switching therapists, regardless of the response to that question. I'd definitely be open and honest with my therapist about my feelings in response to what they said to me as I've learned that therapy is a great place to practice communication and conflict resolution skills.

Eh. In all honesty, I'm NOT going to switch therapist because this lady is excellent with everything else.

I have to admit that I'm very much offended at this suggestion because it's very, VERY difficult for me to find a therapist (or doctors in general) who I can trust.

I'm not going to therapy because of my asexuality, I'm going to therapy because of my depressions. Which is something she's really great about because when I feel extremely bad I can barely talk and she can read my face and gestures extremely well.

We don't talk about sexuality all that much anyway. Sexuality isn't the reason for my depressions.

(I'm always surprised and appalled when someone suggests to me to 'just leave' because nothing is ever as simple as that.)

Please be careful with your words.

[Frigid Pink]

Oh gosh. That made me super nervous when I was looking for a therapist way back in January. I found one who is really great and also knows what asexuality is but ....

She apparently thinks that just because I'm in a relationship means that my 'sexuality might awaken' at some point. I mean no???

So yeah she doesn't believe me that I'm asexual.

We have already established that I have a problem with men. I mean I can find SOME men aesthetically pleasing but that's about it. And I'm in a relationship with a woman. But I'm (obviously) not sexually attracted to her or any other woman. So uh ... it's sometimes hard, to be honest.

She said something like, if I were 70 and told her I've been asexual all my life she'd believe me but I'm 26 so she doubts me.

And that really, really sucks. I sometimes don't know myself really well but I know I'm asexual and that's a fact.

I'd ask them if they'd say that to someone that self-identifies as "homosexual." Also, I'd consider switching therapists, regardless of the response to that question. I'd definitely be open and honest with my therapist about my feelings in response to what they said to me as I've learned that therapy is a great place to practice communication and conflict resolution skills.

Eh. In all honesty, I'm NOT going to switch therapist because this lady is excellent with everything else.

I have to admit that I'm very much offended at this suggestion because it's very, VERY difficult for me to find a therapist (or doctors in general) who I can trust.

I'm not going to therapy because of my asexuality, I'm going to therapy because of my depressions. Which is something she's really great about because when I feel extremely bad I can barely talk and she can read my face and gestures extremely well.

We don't talk about sexuality all that much anyway. Sexuality isn't the reason for my depressions.

(I'm always surprised and appalled when someone suggests to me to 'just leave' because nothing is ever as simple as that.)

Please be careful with your words.

I said I'd consider it and you (and anyone else) can take it or leave it (my "suggestions").