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My Intelligence Keeps Flirters Away


songchick

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Hey all.

I actually usually never get hit on. I even wonder why, like I'm missing out. I mean, yeah I've been hit on by people I've never been attracted to. But I always wonder: What if someone who I was actually attracted to... flirted with me?

The thing is, no one is really attracted to me, or if they are... it's just weird. I think that I'm good at keeping people away. I am very eloquent, and I come across as extremely intelligent. From what I know. So I am very talkative and brainy, and it keeps flirters away. Basically, I'm always talking and analyzing and thinking a million miles a minute, and so people just get exhausted talking to me. I'm definitely not ugly, I'm pretty attractive in that I take care of my appearance. But surprisingly, I've never been the subject of "crushes."

I wonder though. If I ever know that people had "crushes" on me, would I not be ace? I honestly feel like romance and relationships are like, a joke or concept that I just don't understand. So even when people flirt with me, (and I know they have), I just don't even register it as flirting. It's horrible actually. I've ended up in situations where I was molested seriously because I just didn't *get* it.

Is anyone else out there really good at not being flirted with?

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I love your subject line and can totally relate. I'm an introvert, and the excessive talking thing definitely doesn't apply, but I think I am very intimidating from a "sexual attractiveness" perspective. I think I generally give off a "don't bother" vibe that shuts people down within the first 30 seconds. That said, over the years, I have had several people "crush" on me, and I have been in several dating scenarios where we toyed with flirting at some point. It was a little fun in the moment, but mostly just in a knowing they were thinking about me and cared about me sort of way, nothing romantic or sexual, and for me, it always felt contrived even in the moment, and it never lasted long.

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Intellogence is, on the contrary, often considered as attractive. At least, for most people it is. It might be that when you talk, you say various things that are a turn-off.

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I'm actually an extrovert, but I have very strong opinions in a few areas related to social justice. I work in the mental health field, and am very committed to the fight against stigma. I'm excellent at public speaking, persuasive talk, etc. So when I talk about these things with fervor and zeal, it makes people think I'm "beyond" relationships and flirting. Which I basically am... I mean I have doubts though. Maybe I *am* just in denial?

But when I'm in a relationship, or whatever, my brain starts to become less sharp. I start to not care about my interests, and I just start to obsess and worry about my partner. It is uncomfortable, and in order to get myself *back*, I have to break it off.


Rising Sun: hm I wonder what I say that is a turnoff? I probably do say things like that, but I just have nooooo idea.

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If you say that you're so passionate when you talk, and especially when it comes to serious topics, maybe it's simply that when you start talking about something and you don't stop, others simply get bored because they can't change the topic, and that would obviously be a turn-off for them (both because they're bored and because the topic is too serious to have them in the mood for flirting). Flirting is playful be definition, and there is no flirting if there is no fun.

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I think it's natural to divide personal from professional (or is that just how my mind works?), and what I'm hearing you say, is that you present yourself as professional.

I agree that intelligence is attractive, but I also think there is a double standard, especially when it comes to attractive women, and thus it can become a hindrance.

I can also relate to losing yourself in a relationship, and all I can say is that for me, I was able to find a relationship and give it enough time to get past the "new relationship weirdness" and to come out the other side still in the relationship, but as my authentic and continuously evolving self (as was he).

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I usually project disinterest and I don't do flirting, so if someone has a crush they'll either get over it or they'll have to be explicit about it. Still, there have been a few I've identified as probably having had crushes in hindsight, where women I considered friends have reacted in ways that make no sense otherwise to topics around my own relationship status.

The ace aspects certainly figure into the picture; for me to initiate or cooperate in moving a relationship in that direction there have to be entirely different reasons than sexual attraction so a crush or flirting just isn't a relevant aspect when considering partners.

If you have had a tendency to break things off or other reasons to think a relationship might not really make you a better you, then you could have an aversion to relationships that causes you to act uninterested, but I wouldn't consider that denial. A lot of people seem to cling to relationships from fear or loneliness, in which case they can become worth having simply to alleviate those feelings, but if you're a largely self-sufficient and independent person, if you get many parts of human social needs from your job and social engagements and if you can deal with any libido on your own, well, then the cost-benefit analysis of relationships simply shifts so much that it has to be something really worthwhile to actually add to your life. Perhaps you let the probable negative outcome affect your behaviour, but in essence it would be rational.

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I agree that intelligence may keep people away, but I think it's because some find it intimidating. Although, I don't think it's intelligence that keeps flirters away from you, it's a variety of other factors. A couple of examples are height, muscle mass, complexion, or (if you're of the female persuasion) breast or butt size. If you think about it, people who are flirty (aces excluded) are generally $%ual, and as such, are only flirting with you so as to get you into bed.

Well, that's just from my, admittedly rather cynical, perspective. As a 5'7" skinny dude with an annoying nasally voice, who just so happens to be quite smart (no bragging intended), I can count the number of people who've flirted with me on the hand of a blind butcher (i.e. None).

But, who knows, maybe you'll find someone who's willing to flirt with you because you're smart and doesn't care about your physical appearance. There's plenty of fish in the sea!

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Intelligence is mighty attractive. Having quite specialised knowledge is also attractive, far more so than that of general "know-it-alls". However, the way in which you present yourself is such a huge part of it. For example, I'm an Evolutionary Geneticist, right? It's rare and intriguing. I'm also reasonably introverted, but mostly come across as laid-back, casual etc, and I don't talk about what I do for a living unless people ask. So I'm kinda mysterious and that's usually why I get attention (well that and the fact that I have great hair :D).

You say:

I am very talkative and brainy [...] people just get exhausted talking to me [...] I have very strong opinions in a few areas related to social justice [...] I'm excellent at public speaking, persuasive talk, etc. So when I talk about these things with fervor and zeal, it makes people think I'm "beyond" relationships and flirting. Which I basically am...

See the difference? If you ram your intelligence down people's throats, they don't like it. If you go all social justice warrior on their ass, they don't like it (unless of course they're a fellow SJW). Flirting should be easy, full of jokes, teasing each other a bit, showing off in a daft way, not about displaying how much more intelligent you are than everyone. It's insulting. And if you come across as being "beyond" relationships or that you don't want to be in one (and people certainly can and do give off that air), of course people won't try, because it'll be waste of time for the poor folk :P

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There have been many people romantically or sexually interested in me because of my intelligence. I've known many people, of all genders, to flirt with someone because they like intelligent discussion. As much as I...disagree with establishing a term, especially THIS term, for the interest, there are many people who are starting to identify as "sapiosexual" or "sapioromantic" - meaning they're attracted to people based on their mind and not gender.

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Feeling inept....can't figure out how to pull in a quote....

From SnowCone, "many people [ ] are starting to identify as "sapiosexual" or "sapioromantic" - meaning they're attracted to people based on their mind and not gender"

Hadn't heard that before...may need to rethink my labels. My one and only slightly erotic dream was in 10th grade and featured my geeky old physics teacher! I awoke horrified on multiple levels! :o

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Sapphire Rose

Lol I'm never flirted with because I suffer from a condition known as "resting bitch face".

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I thought most people was attracted to intelligence.

Something about wanting to have kids that could survive on their own or something.

I know that I personally becomes very selective about the people I want to be friends with if I feel that they are less intelligent.

I am not mean about it but I really don't want to talk to people who have nothing going on in their life and can only talk about relationships or sports or something else I I could care less about.

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Lol I'm never flirted with because I suffer from a condition known as "resting bitch face".

I just love it that that phrase is beginning to be common -- entertainment stars have even admitted that they have RBF.

OP, I don't think it's your intelligence; I think it's as others have said: no one can get a word in edgewise, and flirting is fun, not serious.

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I don't think flirting is fun. I think it's stressful. I would agree that it's supposed to be fun or should be fun. I don't know if anyone has ever flirted with me. Oh, maybe at a Ren Faire, but that's not personal; it's part of the "game" of the faire. It's also possible that I'm just oblivious. If someone acts nice I assume they are a nice person in general or maybe they're acting nice because of their position (such as a cashier at a store), or at most, that they're being friendly but that's all. So, if I've ever been flirted with I guess I avoid it by being oblivious to it.

I do think I give off some "vibes", through body language, facial expression, whatever, that tells people to not get too close. I remember that when I was a kid other kids sometimes thought I was "stuckup".

As far as intelligence being offputting - I like intelligent people, but not everyone does. Some guys (but not all), especially, seem to feel threatened by women who are smarter than them. But I guess I'm one of those sapioromantics. :)

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.diva plavalaguna.

I find intelligence attractive! I knew a few types like that in middle school, but some of them would definitely talk and talk and sound as if they were only interested in giving a strong impression of how intelligent they were. If you do that, that's most likely why nobody flirts/is attracted to you. I'm hella starved for some passionate/intelligent conversation but I don't want to be talked to death about something I may or may not even have a firm grasp on. ^^;

As for myself, I don't think I would really know if someone was flirting with me unless it was something more obvious...along the sexual lines I guess lol. It doesn't happen much if at all. I definitely suffer from resting bitch face and I've been told throughout the years that I seem to come off snooty/snobby which is hilarious because I'm a huge derp who constantly feels inadequate in relation to everyone around me soooo yeah lol.

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Could it also be a case of not realizing you are being flirted with? I have large amounts of anecdotal evidence that aces are bad at detecting more subtle flirting. <points to the ace moments thread>

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Oh gosh, I can NEVER tell when I'm being flirted with. It's actually dangerous for me. Like, rape dangerous. I'm like a baby with candy when it comes to "nice" people, who actually were hitting on me the whole time and I never knew.

I'm not trying to ram my intelligence down people's throats. It's just, with conversations, when questions are asked, I always have immediate, comprehensive answers for them. I'm also very stoic, and I don't laugh at jokes easily. Actually I have trouble even getting jokes in the first place. I take things very literally. I mean, my therapist even tries to joke with me, but I never crack a smile. I don't even get the jokes.

I probably am pretentious. The only people I seem to attract are rapists, molesters and older men. I probably have an underlying psychological condition. I mean... I do, lol. Anyway, the whole notion of sex and relationships just scares me. Sometimes I have fears that I'm gay. Or trans. I get attacked by thoughts fairly often, part of my diagnosis.

As for physical condition, I am pretty ok. I eat very healthily, I work out (although not now, for a health reason), etc. I wear makeup.

Gender, sexuality, relationships... it all scares me. Sometimes, I put on a headband because I think it's pretty, and then I look in the mirror and think it's disgusting and then I take it off. I think also that "flirting" and "smiling" on a woman's face is wrong, because women are supposed to be seen and not heard. Daddy dearest was abusive, and this was what he expected of women. Cultural as well, he's from Asia. I'm just totally ashamed of being female, and I find that flirting is a "disgusting" trait of women. Women who "tempt" men with their disgusting ways. When I frown, I feel like I am being strong. And yet this makes me miserable.

This is not as much asexuality as just psych issues.

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Sometimes I have fears that I'm gay. Or trans.

Why are these fears, though? There's nothing wrong with being gay or trans.

This is not as much asexuality as just psych issues.

Haha maybe you should've said this in the OP :P

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There are various types of intelligence, so we can't generalize anything about it.

Know what's a turn-off though, for most people? Honesty. Saying things explicitly and literally, instead of hiding what you want to say behind three layers of social conventions. You can be great at organizing and expressing your thoughts and still be absolutely terrible in talking to regular people.

With regards to intelligence being attractive, that's rare from what I understand. It's like.. sure, if someone already finds you attractive physically, then intelligence can be a bonus point. But if you're not attractive to begin with, especially as a man, you will be practically "invisible" as a romantic interest to most people, and displaying intelligence in some way will very rarely change that. What most people mean when they say that they find intelligence attractive, is that among the people they already find attractive for physical reasons, they find those with intelligence especially interesting as potential romantic interests.

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Know what's a turn-off though, for most people? Honesty. Saying things explicitly and literally, instead of hiding what you want to say behind three layers of social conventions. You can be great at organizing and expressing your thoughts and still be absolutely terrible in talking to regular people.

With regards to intelligence being attractive, that's rare from what I understand. It's like.. sure, if someone already finds you attractive physically, then intelligence can be a bonus point. But if you're not attractive to begin with, especially as a man, you will be practically "invisible" as a romantic interest to most people, and displaying intelligence in some way will very rarely change that. What most people mean when they say that they find intelligence attractive, is that among the people they already find attractive for physical reasons, they find those with intelligence especially interesting as potential romantic interests.

SO TRUE. I am brutally honest at all times. I cannot live any other way, it's stressful. Maybe I could change? Who knows. That's probably it!!!! Among other things of course...

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Still can't get the quote feature to work :unsure:

From Tarfeather,

"With regards to intelligence being attractive, that's rare from what I understand. It's like.. sure, if someone already finds you attractive physically, then intelligence can be a bonus point. But if you're not attractive to begin with, especially as a man, you will be practically "invisible" as a romantic interest to most people [...] what most people mean [...] is that among the people they already fin attractive for physical reasons, they find those with intelligence especially interesting as potential romantic interests."

You say "most" a couple of times, and I can only speak for me, but this is not the case. You link physical attraction with romantic interests, and for me, they have never been related. In high school and into college I tended to date those I found to be aesthetically pleasing, noting that I've never experienced what I understand to be physical attraction, but the guys I've found to be attractive from a relationship perspective, have always been those who I found to be attractive from an intellectual or "personal passions" perspective. I'm 20 years into a marriage, and my spouse was the first person I ever allowed myself to date who I did not find aesthetically pleasing, actually, rather the contrary. I associate as aromatic, but I will say, that I think consistent with what you are getting at, if I had found someone who was both aesthetically and intellectually appealing, they definitely would have had "an edge", but as it is, I do find myself drawn from time to time to someone's intellect, whereas while I can appreciate someone's aesthetics, I have NEVER found myself drawn to someone on that basis.

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I definitely find intelligence sexually attractive, especially wit. Lack of wit is a dealbreaker for me - I'm definitely not sexually interested in someone who doesn't make me laugh (it's not a choice at any level. I just find any fleeting interest that might've been sparked by their looks disappears if we get talking and they're not funny). I have a threshold for looks I guess, but it's not particularly onerous. On the repulsive 1-10 scale, maybe a four or a five. Average looking plus smart and witty will get me every time. Nine or ten with no sense of humour and I have no interest.

On the other hand, someone with a huge ego and massive vanity dominating the conversation and bludgeoning everyone with their opinions is just tedious on all levels.

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I had a friend that wasn't appreciated at her job - but luckily she had just graduated college and got a new job in her field. But, they didn't appreciate her there either. Then she got another job... where they didn't appreciate her. Followed by another where they didn't appreciate her... She's had each job approximately 1, at most 2, years. She's now on another job.

At what point should she stop and say "maybe it's not them...".

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I have had very few cases of people being interested in me (that I know of). I think that part of it is that I am very good at avoiding any subtle signs of interest. Looking back on it, I think that I had a few people during junior high and high school that were interested in me, though I was blind to it at the time. I have become very paranoid about accidentally giving off signals of interest and so now am very aware of my tone of voice, expressions, body language, appearance, etc, as well as everyone else's mannerisms towards me. Apart from one guy (whose interest was the reason I got so paranoid and aware), I have not had any interest (that I've noticed) expressed in me in several years.

That said, I am intelligent and I feel like it has the opposite effect. I don't attract flirters, but I do get along with a lot of people because of it.

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That said, I am intelligent and I feel like it has the opposite effect. I don't attract flirters, but I do get along with a lot of people because of it.

TOTALLY. I get along with many many people as friends.

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Lol I'm never flirted with because I suffer from a condition known as "resting bitch face".

perfect profile pic for that comment. i love daria!

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Lol I'm never flirted with because I suffer from a condition known as "resting bitch face".

perfect profile pic for that comment. i love daria!

I was thinking the same thing!!

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