Anyone depressed that they're Asexual?

[cgom]

I was going to be ok with being asexual. But I think I may also be aromantic, and that is depressing me. I don't recall ever "dreaming and wishing" about one day having a sexual relationship, but growing up long before I knew about asexual/aromantic, I always assumed I'd one day somehow fall in love. I'm coming to doubt this now and I don't like it.

Same. Always at the beginning of a new year, I would think 'Maybe I'll fall in love this year! Who knows!'. But this year I've realized it's very likely that will never happen. I like being single, but the thought of growing old all by myself scares me and is kind of depressing.

I'm always worried about the capacity I have to meet people .... I'm heteroromantic, so I really hope to meet someone and have a partner, but I just don't really understand the social cues that go into someone being romantically interested in me because I feel like it's often tied to sexual attraction as well for them: I feel like other (allosexual) people will evaluate a potential partner based on romantic and sexual attraction, but I just don't get the sexual attraction part at all; I can think that someone is pretty or good-looking, regardless of gender, but I just can't pick up on the social cues that say that someone is interested in me as a partner. Not only that, but when I'm talking to someone in a social situation who I'm potentially romantically attracted to, it's never to get in their pants, but just to get to know them as a person. I honestly feel a lot of the time, during dates or what have you, that I'm being evaluated on my flirting ability or ability to give off some sexual nature, which I totally fail at because I'm never going for those things and just want to be my goofy self. For about four or five years, despite my ability to really experience genuine romantic attraction, I just didn't bother trying to pursue romantic interests.

I read "success" stories about aces meeting people irl but I don't get it. Even when I do like someone, I'm terrified of making my interest known because I know they aren't aces, and I wouldn't know what to do with them if I got them ;) hahaha. I laugh to keep from crying .... :) Nah, its cool though to see other people feel that way!

Do you mean it's cool that we feel the same way about those situations?

I had a successful dating experience ... and it turned out the person I was dating was also ace, which I found out about a couple months into the relationship. :D Go figure, huh? :P

[anoelk]

Yeah, I just meant I totally sympathize with those statements I bolded! And that's totally crazy that that happened to you, that sounds the premise of a rom com or something haha!

[Beyourownspotlight]

I don't know if depressed is the right word for how I feel about it, but it's not something I like about myself. And it's pretty obvious I think to anyone who knows I'm ace, that I hate that part of myself. Honestly, I go through little phases where being ace upsets me more than usual, and some little phases where it doesn't really upset me too much. Then the rest of the time I just try my best to ignore that I'm ace, pretend like it's not a thing.

I probably drink a little too much when it does end up bugging me, I want to say it makes me angry at myself more than it makes me 'sad'? I'm not very good at wording things, especially regarding this sort of stuff. I feel kinda like there's something not quite right with me, but I can't quite put my finger on it. I guess, I could fake being sexual, if I wanted to. It's just exhausting, been there, done that. Mind you, being angry at yourself all the time is just as exhausting, but I figure you at least get points for being yourself??

I was in highschool when I figured out what was wrong with me, and I wasn't one of those aces who didn't have any crushes or who didn't think anyone was good looking in highschool, I did have crushes, I did find people attractive. So none of that sort of helped. I didn't really care about gender, I think that was the biggest thing that helped me figure stuff out, I know that sounds backwards or whatever but it makes sense in my head.

Though, I will admit, one of the best things to happen in a very, very shitty year of my life happened when I was able to put aside my self hatred for my sexuality (I'm talking about the kind of twisting in your stomach, feeling sick kind of hatred, disgusted might be a better word?), put aside my pride and go to a meet, so there is that. The only good thing to come out of this part of me.

ANYWAY, yes it gets me down. Yes, I hate it. No, you are not alone in feeling that.

[Freckled_penguin]

I've gotten pretty depressed lately over my asexuality. There is a lot of pressure from my family to start a relationship, but I've known for a long time that I'm simply not interested. Coming out to my family as ace didn't help either- my dad feels I'm simply too focused on my schoolwork to bother with relationships (going back to the whole "It's a phase" mentality), while my mother thinks I am literally broken and wants to send me to a therapist. My family has expressed a viewpoint which basically sums up to 'if you don't end up in a heterosexual relationship you are a loser and less than human'

So yeah. Not feeling too great lately.

[anoelk]

Sorry to hear that :( I find older people have a hard time grasping the concept no matter how you explain it to them. It's not like straight up saying "I'm gay" or something that people immediately recognize, most of the time they've never heard of it.

Maybe as time goes on they'll get more used to the idea. I try working it in to conversations in a comedic way... but uh, it's not always very well received. Maybe I'm just not that funny!

[Someone Else]

I don't know if depressed is the right word for how I feel about it, but it's not something I like about myself. And it's pretty obvious I think to anyone who knows I'm ace, that I hate that part of myself. Honestly, I go through little phases where being ace upsets me more than usual, and some little phases where it doesn't really upset me too much. Then the rest of the time I just try my best to ignore that I'm ace, pretend like it's not a thing.

I probably drink a little too much when it does end up bugging me, I want to say it makes me angry at myself more than it makes me 'sad'? I'm not very good at wording things, especially regarding this sort of stuff. I feel kinda like there's something not quite right with me, but I can't quite put my finger on it. I guess, I could fake being sexual, if I wanted to. It's just exhausting, been there, done that. Mind you, being angry at yourself all the time is just as exhausting, but I figure you at least get points for being yourself??

I was in highschool when I figured out what was wrong with me, and I wasn't one of those aces who didn't have any crushes or who didn't think anyone was good looking in highschool, I did have crushes, I did find people attractive. So none of that sort of helped. I didn't really care about gender, I think that was the biggest thing that helped me figure stuff out, I know that sounds backwards or whatever but it makes sense in my head.

Though, I will admit, one of the best things to happen in a very, very shitty year of my life happened when I was able to put aside my self hatred for my sexuality (I'm talking about the kind of twisting in your stomach, feeling sick kind of hatred, disgusted might be a better word?), put aside my pride and go to a meet, so there is that. The only good thing to come out of this part of me.

ANYWAY, yes it gets me down. Yes, I hate it. No, you are not alone in feeling that.

That strange middle ground we're in -- we're attracted, but in this society, generally are unable to do anything about it. I envy both the sexuals and the asexuals who feel no attraction. Being in between is absolutely miserable sometimes.

[Desmister]

Back in high school when I wasn't aware that asexuality was even a thing I was pretty depressed about it. I felt so different from everyone else and I always felt that I had to lie to fit in. I eventually learned about what asexuality was (Obviously) and I saw that there were other people out there like me. I didn't feel so alone anymore and my general unhappiness about it went away.

I wasn't really ever depressed about my asexuality itself, but rather how alone and isolated it made me feel at the time. I actually love being asexual.

[Guest]

I feel like there are so many things wrong with me but to find out i was asexual was a kick to the stomach. I've had depression since i can remember, i just found out only a month ago that i have body dysmorphia which is no help at all. I also have anxiety which i think they all relate to each other in some way. I'm the black sheep of the family, the odd one out. Phsyically, mentally, socially.

I find it peculiar that people actually speak to me, that i can makes friends and have had a best friend for 10+ years. I've been asked out 4 times in the past 6 months which is also odd because i've never been asked out before and i'm almost 23!

I'm introverted too but the most calm, chill person you could meet. That's something i can positively say about myself, also that i'm humble, forgiving, generous, selfless and kind.

Why does it have to be so hard for us? I've finally fallen in love with someone i could never be with, it sucks to be heartbroken.

[Squirrel Combat]

I'm only depressed about being Ace when I'm in love. Otherwise, it's awesome!

[anoelk]

I hear people say that they love being ace, or its awesome, but could someone elaborate? Like what advantages come with it that's making some people happy that that's they are? I don't mean that people shouldn't be, I want to know cause I want to be happy about it too! I mean, I'm happy that I know that's what I am, but like if I was able to choose not to be... idk... maybe not...

[Anthracite_Impreza]

(double post)

[Anthracite_Impreza]

I hear people say that they love being ace, or its awesome, but could someone elaborate? Like what advantages come with it that's making some people happy that that's they are? I don't mean that people shouldn't be, I want to know cause I want to be happy about it too! I mean, I'm happy that I know that's what I am, but like if I was able to choose not to be... idk... maybe not...

You don't have to deal with sex stuff; as it grosses me out that's a wonderful thing.

[quiet000001]

I hear people say that they love being ace, or its awesome, but could someone elaborate? Like what advantages come with it that's making some people happy that that's they are? I don't mean that people shouldn't be, I want to know cause I want to be happy about it too! I mean, I'm happy that I know that's what I am, but like if I was able to choose not to be... idk... maybe not...

I dunno that I'm happy to be asexual, but I'm not unhappy to be asexual, either. It's just how I am, like my height or that I need glasses. I'm happy to have figured out that there's a NAME for it and have resources to understand exactly what's actually going on in my head about this stuff, but in general - I'm me. I can't be anyone else, might as well work with what I have. :)

That said, I have had trouble in the past with feeling depressed (as opposed to struggling with depression, which is also a thing but not the same) about being on the asexual spectrum but not aromantic - after my husband died (we were both quite young and it was sudden) I eventually realized that I missed having a close relationship with someone, but thinking about actually dating and looking for someone and finding someone who understood the asexual thing... Well, it just didn't seem realistic, and society likes to tell us that pairing up romantically is The Way To Go so then where did that leave me?

One thing that helped with that was to realize that you don't HAVE to do things the 'traditional' way. A close friendship isn't the same as a romantic relationship, but it can fulfill some of the same needs in terms of social interaction, particularly if you're comfortable being physically affectionate with each other. (Like hugging, etc.) So maybe a romantic relationship would be the ideal solution for my desire to have companionship and closeness, but maybe it isn't the ONLY solution that will end up in a comfortable and happy outcome. If I'm open-minded and don't try to force relationships with people to fit neatly into socially-defined boxes, then there's quite a lot of potential there for things to work out pretty well.

So that's about where I am now - I'm not looking for a romantic partner actively (my late husband and I were friends first and I never really dated, so I figure if I do meet anyone else it'll probably be that kind of thing anyway, friendship that turns into more) and I'm putting time into my friendships and family relationships. I already have a close friend where we've kind of jokingly agreed that if we're both feeling lonely and don't want to live alone in like ten years, we'll look into finding some kind of housemate arrangement that will work for us. (We're both kind of introverted, so something like a house that was partially converted into two apartments would be perfect - individual spaces but also shared spaces. That kind of thing.)

I don't want kids, though. I've never had any desire to have kids of my own. I can see how wanting kids would introduce an additional complication.

[emma-can]

I felt this really hard today (though I think part of it is PMS); my teacher had on a Radiohead playlist and one of the songs mentioned "making love." And I suddenly felt so bad cuz it hit me that a huge majority of people find sex to be amazing and beautiful, and I will never feel like that. Like I'm missing out but there's nothing I can do about it.