WheelCuddle Posted October 10, 2015 Share Posted October 10, 2015 I am in my first relationship since understanding my asexuality. I am with a hyper sexual person who gets those needs met elsewhere. So far we have mostly cuddled, held hands, and just today shared a few kisses. But since becoming enamored with this person, even before the first date, I have lost all desire for masturbation, even on a purely mechanical basis. I have always needed to do that prior. I can feel the fact that I haven't done so in a long time, but I feel no need or desire. To be clear, nothing sexual has happened with this person. I imagined that I would feel more desire or need in a relationship, not less. I feel completely physically satisfied. I don't really understand this and it feels counter intuitive. Has anyone else experienced a complete loss of the need for orgasm once they entered a relationship? My feelings are very deep and I love touching them and being with them, but feel nothing else. Link to post Share on other sites
Philip027 Posted October 10, 2015 Share Posted October 10, 2015 I haven't (never had any libido or anything that I would call a "need" to orgasm), but at least to some limited extent, my partner kinda has. Link to post Share on other sites
Hooded_Crow Posted October 10, 2015 Share Posted October 10, 2015 Hi! I'm Philip's partner and I have experienced what you're experiencing. I'm a libidoist ace. I've masturbated from a young age and felt the urge for it regularly, often even, for years. And then, last year, I met Phil. We do share some sexuality (mutual masturbation, cyber and last summer IRL) and ever since I was with him, even before we started sharing that sexuality, I have felt a very noticeable lowering of my libido. So much so that today I have lost nearly all urge or desire to masturbate. It's like "if it's not with him: boooooring!" Not that we are sexual all that often. I used to masturbate every day and now I go months without any kind of sexual release, no problem. I don't know why. But I feel satisfied without it :) I don't miss it at all. Maybe the love and cuddly affection replaces sexual satisfaction? Link to post Share on other sites
Demi-Marko Posted October 10, 2015 Share Posted October 10, 2015 I had that feeling only this year, 27 years old male, still virgin, I've been with my first girlfriend for the very first time after a year of Skype sharing stories, we live 2000km apart. Back then before we meet I would still masturbated to Porn on regular basis. But once we were together in real it was romance, the feeling of closeness, affection, touch that made me miss it the most. While around her i didn't feel butterflies I felt more confident and all around a better version of myself, we also connected like we know each other our whole life. But once that week was done and I was back home I lost all my will to masturbate. I was confused. In a way I felt I'm cheating if I was to go back to my old habits and masturbate watching other people, because I just can't fantasize anything while masturbating, but that was not it. Ever since I left her side, my body felt like it shut down, it felt cold. This felt like a flatline, but my old habits got back the more I would connect to my partner on Skype. I would imagine that you will eventually go back to you old ways of masturbation, it took me 2 month of not feeling like masturbating at all, but I had this rare days where when I was to connect with my partner on a more deeper level, I would later crave to get some practice going. Honestly I could leave masturbation for the rest of my life, no problem. But I had this only after being in my first relationship. I don't know but I feel we are little alike, I still consider myself Demi-Heteroromantic Asexual or possible hetero-demisexual because I would take shower with her day one and love it, It was just sex that my mind didn't crave for even while she was the first person to give me an erection just by holding her hands not thinking of anything sexual, yet nowadays missing romance with her the most. Question: Did you fantasize of you and your girlfriend while taking bed? I would realize that fantasizing of me and my girlfriend is the only fantasy that would effect my body, nothing else could ever do this. Its that connection we share. I would fantasize of us a lot before bed before we meet, but i would realize that after we saw each other and i came back home, I would have harder time getting any result fantasizing of us anymore or even the need to fantasy, she felt shut down also. It was mutual feeling but even she gain back her desires 3 months in, while mine took 2 months and fantasy once again had effect on my body like that time before we meet. When my desire to fantasy got back I gain back my desire to masturbate, but again something I can forget if I want to completely. I personally think you have a high control over your body. Link to post Share on other sites
Philip027 Posted October 10, 2015 Share Posted October 10, 2015 It's like "if it's not with him: boooooring!" It's exactly like this for me, except that I never had any previous interest to begin with :p Link to post Share on other sites
WheelCuddle Posted October 10, 2015 Author Share Posted October 10, 2015 Hooded Crow: That was incredible helpful to read that. It helps to feel like this is a normal asexual thing. Ales: This is fairly new relationship, so I feel like what you are describing is fairly accurate. masturbation has felt like a chore since I realized my asexuality, and it just doesn't compare to touching her. I have felt sexual tingles (I dont know what else to call that) when i kiss her, but I haven't had an erection in her presence. I have had idle thoughts about sexual activities with her that have caused them, but it felt more like porn does, something you can think about but not actually do. I think you are right about control, I never considered this as a choice. I have always felt very out of control of my sexuality. I thought I was straight for 30 years, and i certainly wished I could have controlled some better outcomes at the time. But now, in this moment, I do feel like I'm making a choice to not need masturbation. Or maybe I'm romanticizing it, I don't know. At the very least I want to thank everyone for their responses, I feel like this is ok. Link to post Share on other sites
Demi-Marko Posted October 10, 2015 Share Posted October 10, 2015 Hooded Crow: That was incredible helpful to read that. It helps to feel like this is a normal asexual thing. Ales: This is fairly new relationship, so I feel like what you are describing is fairly accurate. masturbation has felt like a chore since I realized my asexuality, and it just doesn't compare to touching her. I have felt sexual tingles (I dont know what else to call that) when i kiss her, but I haven't had an erection in her presence. I have had idle thoughts about sexual activities with her that have caused them, but it felt more like porn does, something you can think about but not actually do. I think you are right about control, I never considered this as a choice. I have always felt very out of control of my sexuality. I thought I was straight for 30 years, and i certainly wished I could have controlled some better outcomes at the time. But now, in this moment, I do feel like I'm making a choice to not need masturbation. Or maybe I'm romanticizing it, I don't know. At the very least I want to thank everyone for their responses, I feel like this is ok. I know what you mean, when one is asexual one can get easily confused. I would never get why I never had the craves all friends of mine had, the one night stand, I couldn't get how could one sleep with a person they basically don't even know anything about. Imagine this, I was shy around girls until I meet my recent girlfriend and after a year of Skype chatting, first day meet I took shower with her and didn't felt forces or even nervous/shy about it. I felt at home completely confident. Masturbation is out of the question for me I feel as she is very sexual I will rather preserve myself for her. Porn honestly I can deal without Link to post Share on other sites
WheelCuddle Posted October 10, 2015 Author Share Posted October 10, 2015 I think you described the sensation perfectly. I did notice when kissed her I wanted to do it more but it also made that distancing sensation slightly (3 parts I wanted it 1 part I felt weird), the one that comes with sexual contact. I never considered it as a stress response. It feels nice for the second that it occurs. I am always interested in quantifying things. What is a stage 3 sensual and do you have a link to some sort of list? I want to explore that. Link to post Share on other sites
Autumn Season Posted October 10, 2015 Share Posted October 10, 2015 Since I don't have a libido, I might be confusing things. My urge to masturbate never declined since I never had one to begin with. What did happen though when I spent a lot of time with my loved one, is that I did less and less pleasurable things for myself. It just didn't feel necessary anymore. Even during days when we didn't see each other, I would still patiently wait for our next meeting without indulging in any nice activities in the meantime. So maybe mutual love really does change our behavior. Link to post Share on other sites
timewarp Posted October 11, 2015 Share Posted October 11, 2015 I think I experienced the same thing before. Masturbation is not necessary related to libido, it can also be a tool for raising dopamine levels (not very different from eating chocolate, to give just one example). If your relationship gives you the kind of experiences which raise your dopamine, then there's obviously no need to obtain that otherwise. I'm not an expert in these things, so this might be oversimplified, but I like it as some kind of working hypothesis. But who cares anyway? If you don't feel like it, just don't do it :-) Link to post Share on other sites
WheelCuddle Posted October 11, 2015 Author Share Posted October 11, 2015 I have no idea of the scientific validly of that, but i really like that conception. I do feel like I've treated masturbation as a medicine. Thanks for sharing that. Link to post Share on other sites
Demi-Marko Posted October 13, 2015 Share Posted October 13, 2015 I think you described the sensation perfectly. I did notice when kissed her I wanted to do it more but it also made that distancing sensation slightly (3 parts I wanted it 1 part I felt weird), the one that comes with sexual contact. I never considered it as a stress response. It feels nice for the second that it occurs. I am always interested in quantifying things. What is a stage 3 sensual and do you have a link to some sort of list? I want to explore that. stage 3 sensual meant as in stage one: Physical attraction, a magnet to be close to somebody and find them attractive, stage 2 romantic attraction: where you wanna be with them outside on dates, sensual is stage 3 kissing, hugging, cuddling, , stage 4 is sexual attraction which is basically magnet in touching their genital area and wanting to have sex with them (true desire). I think some people gain some wanted desire by kissing a lot. Asexual lack stage 4 most of the time Link to post Share on other sites
WheelCuddle Posted October 13, 2015 Author Share Posted October 13, 2015 Thank you for that, I would say that you are correct, I am most comfortable in stage 3 and really view it as the height of my expression, Link to post Share on other sites
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