Frustrated, Confused about A-ness, being a lesbian? -_-

[songchick]

Yesterday, I was feeling 100% asexual. Today... ?

I saw my therapist today, he's a new one, I've only seen him 3 times so far. But he is very good. VERY good. We briefly touched on me, and my aversion to relationships. I had also told him (at an earlier session) that I sometimes have fears that I'm a lesbian, or that I'm trans. So he had this in mind.

He asked me if I had ever felt betrayed or conned in a relationship. I said that, with all my flings, I was always like a "secret" in the closet. No guy I've dated, and it's all been brief... no one ever told their friends about me.

So... am I really asexual? Or just traumatized?

Today, I was talking to a coworker of mine, about another coworker who was taken to the ER this morning. I was concerned. I said that I wanted to visit her. Then he said:

"Oh, you two seem to really get along. You have a strong bond it seems."

"Yeah, she's a really special person to me..."

WTF!!!!!!!!!!!???? What did I just say???! I sound like a lesbian here!

I don't know wtf is going on.

As far as being trans, I am pretty sure I don't want to be such. I was thinking to myself, "Would I like to be in the men's locker room? Or at a men's homeless shelter?" My thought was HELL NO. I'd rather be in the women's rooms. So there.

But being a lesbian...? I just don't like how it seems like I have no control over it. People say, "Oh, I was born this way, etc." It's frustrating though. Why can't we choose?

I mean if I could choose, I'd just choose asexuality. I actually find relationships and intimacy to be embarrassing. I don't even like looking at my naked body. It's gross. People just look better when they wear clothes.

But are my asexual thoughts simply repressed feelings, or an actual sexual orientation?

I mean, when I masturbate, I NEVER think of other people. I used to maybe watch some porn or whatever, or have a fantasy about a woman's chest, but now, nothing. Maybe I am close-minded about this. Maybe I should try again and watch some. But... I don't even care. It doesn't occur to me, except now when I'm writing about it. And masturbating doesn't even feel good until the end, and that end is very short. It's a long, drawn out experience that is more frustrating than anything. I even realized that I can get an endorphin high by just using my foam roller and by exercising. I'd rather exercise than masturbate.

I guess... my fear right now is just about what I said to my coworker. "She's a really special person to me." WTF. Maybe I'm homoromantic? This is SO frustrating. And embarrassing.

Why do I find relationships embarrassing and gross? I have always found them such. So I always always freak when I say a tender word... does that mean that I am a lesbian? Maybe... maybe if I accept my A-ness, maybe it will disappear and then I'll become sexual and a lesbian.

I'm very confused right now. Thanks for reading.

[Anthracite_Impreza]

Do you ever look at anyone and think "Mmmm, I'd like to have sex with them"? That's pretty much the definition of asexuality, nothing else matters. I'm not entirely sure why saying "Yeah, she's a really special person to me..." makes you gay? I'd say exactly the same about my friends but it doesn't mean I'm homo-anything (I'm AFAB for simplicity). It's called caring about someone...

As for trans... I can't tell you that anyway, but you haven't given much info on that. Wondering whether you'd be more comfortable in another gender's locker room once doesn't strike me as being trans; is there anything else?

[Kalyke]

There is a total difference between a totally deep, intimate, and wonderful relationship and a sexual relationship.

[kitsuneyaro]

I want to add that asexuals can have romantic feelings toward others. It's the sexual attraction we lack.

But thinking someone's special to you doesn't mean you want to sleep with them, you said

yourself you're not interested in it. It can also mean you're interested in her as a close friend and not necessarily

as a partner.

In the end it's not your therapist but you who truly know how you feel, and it's only you

who can label yourself, if you want to.

[songchick]

Yeah, I'm less worried now. I get these freakout moments at times, but it's all about the big picture.

[TruBluMOM]

You're hitting on several themes of thought for me, and I don't have the time (or discipline or inclination) to organize my thoughts, so this is going to be a little rambling, so deal with it, or don't, your choice :)

Years back, before learning any "a" vocabulary, I used to joke that I was a gay man trapped in a straight woman's body. It's not that I ever really felt dysphonic, but just that I never really fit in anywhere, and given the way my mind works, I can typically relate better to the male (note I didn't say masculine) way of processing things.

When I recently came to the realization that I was asexual, agendered, and aromantic, I also came to the realization that had societal norms been different, I probably could have been just as successful in a progressive lesbian relationship as I have been in my progressive hetro, though mixed orientation relationship. I was never attracted to women, add in normal societal pressures not to be and a general aversion to the drama that seems inherent to most females that I have known, and I never had to question whether I was lesbian. Further I always assumed I would end up in a traditional marriage, and the stereotype for a long time was that women didn't like sex anyway, it was more a cost of achieving the other benefits of marriage, and so it never really occurred to me that I was "outside of the norm" of female heterosexuality either. Plus, I'm not sex repulsed, so I put sex more in the category of doing dishes or going to the dentist, and was willing to comply "as needed".

For me, I don't experience romance or emotions or attraction the way I perceive others do. That said, I am still drawn to wanting (and luckily having) a compatible relationship focused around mutual commitment, intellectual and broader compatibility, companionship, etc. But for me, my commitment was never more than an intellectual commitment. Given that the brain is the largest sexual organ, and given that we asexuals tend to over think things, I too struggle with why we can't simply decide our orientation. Turns out I intellectually entered into what I though was a traditional hetro relationship (but ended up being a "twice exceptional" mixed orientation marriage given I am "a" and he is gay), but if I had had a more open thought process or different societal pressures earlier in life, I can see where I could have easily internalized the fact that I was lesbian, in the same way I assumed I was traditional hetro.

[Laurens]

Why are you so afraid of being a lesbian? You're asking whether you're asexual, traumatised or repressed. The only person who can answer this question and figure out your (a)sexuality is yourself and you don't have to decide today if you don't feel sure. However, my advice would be to look into your aversion for lesbians (which sound a bit homophobic btw). I think you can analyse yourself better when you've a clear mind and insight into your motives and desires and you're more calm inside and open for whatever your true nature is. In this way, I believe, you can connect better with what you truly want and do or don't desire. Good luck with figuring yourself out!