"it's better to have love and lost than never to have loved at all"

[iamme19892]

"it's better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all"

what do you guys think?

[Squirrel Combat]

I disagree. I've been in "love" plenty of times over the years, and frankly I would have been better off not having been in love in the first place. The anxiety, stress, depression, and suicidal thoughts just weren't worth it, especially since I never even got to ask any of the girls out. This doesn't change my heteroromantic-ness, however.

[Rising Sun]

For me, it depends on how you've lost the person. If you "lost" them because you / them / both of you had to, or because of other circumstances that weren't their fault, then yes, this love story was worth living. But if the other was just a heartless jerk who dumped you because they got tired of playing with you, it's definitely better to never have loved at all.

[Autumn Season]

I also tend to disagree. My love life was more on the pleasant side, but still I don't see how the existence of romantic love in itself is supposed to definitely improve a life. Maybe this applies only to a group of people, for example the ones who love everything exciting.

[Imagineer]

I on the other hand agree with this saying. But I put that due to "Waterfall love" I don't section off love and only certain people get it. I love everyone equally no matter what happens. My love from on person to the next might change through time, but I love them all the same.

[Guest]

Agree. I think nearly all experiences are better had than not, particularly ones that give us insight and connections to the people or nature around us. The pain of losing love doesn't negate everything that came before it and the knowledge that lingers afterward.

[Tarfeather]

Let me fix that for you: "It's better to have been loved and lost, than never to have been loved at all."

:3

Always just loving and not being loved in return is an experience I could well do without..

My love life was more on the pleasant side, but still I don't see how the existence of romantic love in itself is supposed to definitely improve a life. Maybe this applies only to a group of people, for example the ones who love everything exciting.

Well, we aren't necessarily talking about "romantic love" (an oxymoron anyway, if you ask me). For me, it's not really about the excitement, but just the little things like being able to stare at your partner without being considered a creep is amazing.

[SorryNotSorry]

Personally I'm just one iota away from believing "love" is some sick illusion that's been programmed into my mind to torture me.

Years ago, I read about an experiment in which some baby rhesus monkeys were paired with cloth-covered wire "mothers" while other rhesus babies got "mothers" made of bare wire. The latter group of babies became abusive and eventually died from lack of love.

Sometimes I wonder why it's taking me so long.

[butterflydreams]

Let me fix that for you: "It's better to have been loved and lost, than never to have been loved at all."

:3

Always just loving and not being loved in return is an experience I could well do without..

An extremely important distinction

I really dislike how people paint love/relationships/etc as something that must be experienced, and if you don't (often through no fault of your own) then you're somehow deprived, defective or missing out on a huge portion of life. How dare someone presume to tell me what things I need to do in order to live a full and complete life. Of course, I'm the kind of person who genuinely thinks I don't need to see the Eiffel Tower. Why? Because millions of other people have already seen it.

I'd rather have real goals that are really attainable. I want to know what it's like to drive a car over 150mph. I'd like to go kayaking with beluga whales. I think there might still be companies in Russia who bought old Soviet-era MiG-25s and if you pay them, they'll take you up to the edge of space.

Love? Sorry, it'll have to take a back seat.

[LocustTheLurker]

"Love is everything it's cracked up to be. That's why people are so cynical about it. It really is worth fighting for, being brave for, risking everything for. And the trouble is, if you don't risk anything, you risk even more."

-- Erica Jong, Fear of Flying

I haven't read that novel, so I can't verify the quote, but regardless of origin, those words express my feelings perfectly. Loving has been the greatest experience of my life! Nothing has ever been more ragingly intense and gloriously fulfilling.

It takes forever to heal, but then I am nothing but truly grateful for the blinding love I have felt.

If I die tomorrow, I will have lived fully because I loved madly.

For me, it's not really about the excitement, but just the little things like being able to stare at your partner without being considered a creep is amazing.

Ah, yes, but for me, that is excitement! I guess I'll keep on dreaming...

[Myssterry]

I find the notion of "romantic love" full of hyperbole, but whatever floats your boat. The important thing is to have felt love of some type. This could be a passion like music, an intense love of nature, or tap dancing to be honest, so long as it lifts you out of yourself and makes you feel something.

The losing bit eludes me, but maybe that was meant to comfort someone who had been jilted.

[Guest]

Always just loving and not being loved in return is an experience I could well do without..

I was going to ask this of Squirrel above too... I'm genuinely interested in how one can love someone without being with them in a romantic way. How do you even know them well enough to love them if you've never had the closeness that (I personally) consider necessary to love someone. Otherwise, aren't you just loving who you think they'd be? I'm not trying to be a bitch, I'm really wondering... unrequited love is something I've never understood.

[iamme19892]

I disagree. I've been in "love" plenty of times over the years, and frankly I would have been better off not having been in love in the first place. The anxiety, stress, depression, and suicidal thoughts just weren't worth it, especially since I never even got to ask any of the girls out. This doesn't change my heteroromantic-ness, however.

i feel you on this. having my mood/mental state dependant on someone else is almost degrading. i might as well have anyone with romantic/sexual intentions to just back off and leave me alone.

[iamme19892]

Let me fix that for you: "It's better to have been loved and lost, than never to have been loved at all."

:3

Always just loving and not being loved in return is an experience I could well do without..

Well said!

[butterflydreams]

Always just loving and not being loved in return is an experience I could well do without..

I was going to ask this of Squirrel above too... I'm genuinely interested in how one can love someone without being with them in a romantic way. How do you even know them well enough to love them if you've never had the closeness that (I personally) consider necessary to love someone. Otherwise, aren't you just loving who you think they'd be? I'm not trying to be a bitch, I'm really wondering... unrequited love is something I've never understood.

But even if you're loving someone for who you think they'd be (illogical as that may be), that's still an expenditure of "love" energy, and it ain't coming back.

[Guest]

Always just loving and not being loved in return is an experience I could well do without..

I was going to ask this of Squirrel above too... I'm genuinely interested in how one can love someone without being with them in a romantic way. How do you even know them well enough to love them if you've never had the closeness that (I personally) consider necessary to love someone. Otherwise, aren't you just loving who you think they'd be? I'm not trying to be a bitch, I'm really wondering... unrequited love is something I've never understood.

But even if you're loving someone for who you think they'd be (illogical as that may be), that's still an expenditure of "love" energy, and it ain't coming back.

It may be a matter of semantics but I've been hung up on people for years who weren't interested in me, and I've never considered it love. I guess this is a whole different conversation :D

Agreed re: energy expended. Often in the form of tears :'(

[butterflydreams]

Always just loving and not being loved in return is an experience I could well do without..

I was going to ask this of Squirrel above too... I'm genuinely interested in how one can love someone without being with them in a romantic way. How do you even know them well enough to love them if you've never had the closeness that (I personally) consider necessary to love someone. Otherwise, aren't you just loving who you think they'd be? I'm not trying to be a bitch, I'm really wondering... unrequited love is something I've never understood.

But even if you're loving someone for who you think they'd be (illogical as that may be), that's still an expenditure of "love" energy, and it ain't coming back.

It may be a matter of semantics but I've been hung up on people for years who weren't interested in me, and I've never considered it love. I guess this is a whole different conversation :D

Agreed re: energy expended. Often in the form of tears :'(

Ahh, gotcha, no you're right. I guess unrequited "love" isn't the same as other kinds of love, so there could definitely be a discrepancy. Being hung up on people for years who aren't interested in you can suck in its own way though :(

[iamme19892]

Personally I'm just one iota away from believing "love" is some sick illusion that's been programmed into my mind to torture me.

Years ago, I read about an experiment in which some baby rhesus monkeys were paired with cloth-covered wire "mothers" while other rhesus babies got "mothers" made of bare wire. The latter group of babies became abusive and eventually died from lack of love.

Sometimes I wonder why it's taking me so long.

i sometimes think that it is an illusion too. i read a quote once that said "we are all blinded with the illusion that love, and only love could save us" and maybe that's true

[Jea]

I can't say if I agree or not with the expression...but if I were to lose someone I love, I'd never wish I had never loved them.

[Tarfeather]

I was going to ask this of Squirrel above too... I'm genuinely interested in how one can love someone without being with them in a romantic way. How do you even know them well enough to love them if you've never had the closeness that (I personally) consider necessary to love someone. Otherwise, aren't you just loving who you think they'd be? I'm not trying to be a bitch, I'm really wondering... unrequited love is something I've never understood.

I don't think that being with someone in a "romantic" way necessarily implies anything about how well you know them. One of the people for whom I've felt this unrequited "love", I've been friends with on and off for over 10 years. I knew her well enough. I knew aspects of her that her long term partner did not understand about her (either because he was unwilling to see her as who she is, or because he simply didn't get it). And there were actually also romantic feelings on her side, but they were certainly not of the kind that I'd consider "love", as she chose to rationally shun them to protect her relationship.

But yes, I agree, in most cases where you just crush on a stranger, that's not really "love" in any meaningful way. And to be honest, those cases are also insignificant enough that I don't mind them at all. Feel bad for a few weeks, forget about it, no problem.

[Tetus]

Personally, I'm still waiting for time to do its whole "healing all wounds" thing, so it can be hard for me to have proper perspective.

That said, while I don't really think regrets are worth having, I also wouldn't wish the experience of losing someone you love on anyone.

[somethingrandom]

I think of this quote a lot and I worry that I'm not experiencing something amazing that nearly everyone else has - not gonna lie I would love to experience 'love' but it isn't happening any time soon.

I suppose it's a bit like any relationship. I have siblings and love them but if something were to happen to either one of them, I would obviously be devastated. But no way would I wish I had never have had siblings because pain and grief is part of life.

So basically, yeah I kinda agree with the quote I guess...

[allrightalready]

nope, i have been there, my partner committed suicide

Men in Black - "Better to have loved and lost"

[nerdperson777]

I'm a hurry to get to class so I'll read all the previous responses later but, I'm in between on this. I lived life on the other extreme. I've been a robot for the first 19 years of my life. Once I discovered that there was something wrong with my person. I'm actually very anxious about everything, I have a type of depression, I don't think "normally". I was left to fend for myself in an abusive household. I started to learn how to feel more, and it's given me more emotions than neutrality. There are times I feel so bad that I wonder why I even bothered doing all this. Why am I pursuing my gender? Why am I pursuing a queerplatonic relationship with my friend? I'm taking so many chances out of my comfort zone that I sometimes just want to return back to who I was before. But is that really right either? Living a dull unfulfilled life, not understanding what it's like to feel extreme emotion, sitting at a boring desk job that does the exact same day with no changes? Do I really want that? I was taught logically, I'd be making a good living as an engineer, if I was able to follow through on it, which I couldn't. I've been trying to find out who I am as a person this last year. I'm not the robot I saw myself to be. I torment myself occasionally for having feelings and times for not. Both sides have arguments that can't seem to win me over completely.

[Anthracite_Impreza]

Much as the pain of loss hurts, I do believe it is better to experience love (in whatever form that may be). Our memories effectively define us, and having some very happy ones in there is better than having nothing.

[SkyWorld]

Moved thread from Asexual Q&A to Romantic and Aromantic Orientations.

SkyWorld

Asexual Q&A Co-Moderator

[praetorius]

To reach the conclusion that "it's better to have love and lost than never to have loved at all," one needs a proper control group of never-loveds for comparison. I guess I'm part of that control group? So far, I'd say the experiment fails to disprove the null hypothesis of indifferent betterness.

[SpiffyParadox]

Ehh, can't say I agree or disagree with this saying, mostly because I don't think i've ever fallen in love with someone. I've had my crushes/squishes but never anything beyond that. But, i'll side with CBC.Radio.Girl about having fewer headaches and fewer emotions to deal with. Perhaps it has to do with me being Aromantic. Or maybe not. Who the hell knows, aha.

Also, I can see why people would agree or disagree with this saying. Everyone has their own unique, individual experiences with 'love' and it's numerous definitions. I can respect those who continue trying to find love despite any and all losses while trying. And I can respect those who don't bother for their own reasons.

[Mostly Peaceful Ryan]

I think I've grown and discovered stuff about me from some relationships and didn't from others so it depends for me.

[.diva plavalaguna.]

Disagree....so much nope. And the fixed quote sounds even worse, honestly. I'm not even sure what love is supposed to feel like.